i can't belive this! i just typed this whole share, and when i went to preview it, it disappeard! what i want to share is that my a finally went back to normal driving hours today, after being off work for 4 weeks because of a dui. he went back to work last week from 430 am to 9 am, helping load the trucks, but today he finally went back to full time driving. i felt like i was released from prison! cuz all these weeks, every move i have made has been scrutinized by him,and , to be honest, every move he has made has been scrutinized by me. i am so amazed that his presence around home so much affects what i do each day. now that he's back at work, i worked my butt off around the house and loved every minute of it. when he was home all the time, i could hardly make myself do anything!
but the one thing that i think all this has done for me, is that i can really really see how much the disease drives him... i can see it even more than ever. he can be randomly checked for alcohol in his system, but he still keeps drinking every day anyway. he knows he could lose his awesome paying job by doing this, but he obviously can't stop doing what he does, regardless. it is so sad, and really breaks my heart, but at the same time, it just shows so clearly that the man is clearly not in control of the drinking, know what i mean? i just see the drive so much clearer now, and it has helped me not take it so personally. i mean, if you can lose a job that pays 70,000 plus a year, cuz of your drinking, and you still don't stop....that's a pretty hard drive to drink!
guess i just wanted to update on the shares i've written lately, and any support/encouragement will be greatly appreciated
thanks, friends!
love,
search41...(lori)
megan said
Apr 13, 2005
when he was home all the time, i could hardly make myself do anything!
I can relate to this. I just get so drained sometimes with my A that I have little left over for anything else.
Once he started to get better last year (sober at least) I looked around the house and thought "why didn't I do more"?
then when he started drinking and the antics again I realized why - it is awfully draining of MY ENERGY to live with my A.
Last year we were supposed to go on vacation and the A was too drunk to go. I sure learned ALOT about his disease when I stayed home from work that week....
TLC2 said
Apr 13, 2005
AAHHH, peace at last :) sigh. I know how you feel! My A lost his license for a year. It was a year of H***. When it came time for him to get his license back, they interviewed me to see if I thought he'd ever do it again, if I thought he had learned his lesson? I told them I wanted to make a statement: "Next time you take someone's license, make sure you take their 'backseat driver's license' too!! I honestly wondered at times if we'd make it!! It punished me as much as it did him!!
As far as learning his lesson? Well.. this was a couple years after he had nearly killed us both by smashing into a cement pillar.That cost him a $20,000. truck, he was in a wheelchair for nearly a year. They told him he'd never walk again.. It broke a vertibrea in my back...and I still pushed the damn wheelchair! Funny, just last night, I was wondering to myself why we stay with them? Is it some kind of self-punishment??
I remember one time, we went to winterize his cottage (his binge home). He knew he had some booze hidden, and I saw a funny look on his face. He started towards me, and would have gone right through me if I hadn't moved. He got this uncontrolable urge to find that bottle. I didn't know what was going on! He started moving things and tearing the place apart!! Then he found it!! It was like a totally different person was in his body.
Things have been really good for about a year, but after that episode, I can see that it isn't something planned, it just takes over! Every time something stressful happens, I wonder if he'll give in. When he handles it without booze, I am so proud of him, and I let him know, with smiles and hugs. We don't mention it, but we both know we have come through it.
Anyway, I rambling. Enjoy your peace and quiet, you've earned it!! Give yourself lotsa TLC
cdb said
Apr 13, 2005
Hello Search,
WOW! You sound so strong in your thinking. :) You are so right in what you wrote. Our chat last night was great too. It takes gutts for each of us to pour our hearts out and reach out for support. It inspires me everytime I see someone change and progress here too. Your friend in recovery, cdb
Jeannie said
Apr 13, 2005
Hi Search,
Enjoy your newfound feedom and piece of mind. Take care of you.
i can't belive this! i just typed this whole share, and when i went to preview it, it disappeard! what i want to share is that my a finally went back to normal driving hours today, after being off work for 4 weeks because of a dui. he went back to work last week from 430 am to 9 am, helping load the trucks, but today he finally went back to full time driving. i felt like i was released from prison! cuz all these weeks, every move i have made has been scrutinized by him,and , to be honest, every move he has made has been scrutinized by me. i am so amazed that his presence around home so much affects what i do each day. now that he's back at work, i worked my butt off around the house and loved every minute of it. when he was home all the time, i could hardly make myself do anything!
but the one thing that i think all this has done for me, is that i can really really see how much the disease drives him... i can see it even more than ever. he can be randomly checked for alcohol in his system, but he still keeps drinking every day anyway. he knows he could lose his awesome paying job by doing this, but he obviously can't stop doing what he does, regardless. it is so sad, and really breaks my heart, but at the same time, it just shows so clearly that the man is clearly not in control of the drinking, know what i mean? i just see the drive so much clearer now, and it has helped me not take it so personally. i mean, if you can lose a job that pays 70,000 plus a year, cuz of your drinking, and you still don't stop....that's a pretty hard drive to drink!
guess i just wanted to update on the shares i've written lately, and any support/encouragement will be greatly appreciated
thanks, friends!
love,
search41...(lori)
when he was home all the time, i could hardly make myself do anything!
I can relate to this. I just get so drained sometimes with my A that I have little left over for anything else.
Once he started to get better last year (sober at least) I looked around the house and thought "why didn't I do more"?
then when he started drinking and the antics again I realized why - it is awfully draining of MY ENERGY to live with my A.
Last year we were supposed to go on vacation and the A was too drunk to go. I sure learned ALOT about his disease when I stayed home from work that week....
AAHHH, peace at last :) sigh. I know how you feel! My A lost his license for a year. It was a year of H***. When it came time for him to get his license back, they interviewed me to see if I thought he'd ever do it again, if I thought he had learned his lesson? I told them I wanted to make a statement: "Next time you take someone's license, make sure you take their 'backseat driver's license' too!! I honestly wondered at times if we'd make it!! It punished me as much as it did him!!
As far as learning his lesson? Well.. this was a couple years after he had nearly killed us both by smashing into a cement pillar.That cost him a $20,000. truck, he was in a wheelchair for nearly a year. They told him he'd never walk again.. It broke a vertibrea in my back...and I still pushed the damn wheelchair! Funny, just last night, I was wondering to myself why we stay with them? Is it some kind of self-punishment??
I remember one time, we went to winterize his cottage (his binge home). He knew he had some booze hidden, and I saw a funny look on his face. He started towards me, and would have gone right through me if I hadn't moved. He got this uncontrolable urge to find that bottle. I didn't know what was going on! He started moving things and tearing the place apart!! Then he found it!! It was like a totally different person was in his body.
Things have been really good for about a year, but after that episode, I can see that it isn't something planned, it just takes over! Every time something stressful happens, I wonder if he'll give in. When he handles it without booze, I am so proud of him, and I let him know, with smiles and hugs. We don't mention it, but we both know we have come through it.
Anyway, I rambling. Enjoy your peace and quiet, you've earned it!! Give yourself lotsa TLC
Hello Search,
WOW! You sound so strong in your thinking. :) You are so right in what you wrote. Our chat last night was great too. It takes gutts for each of us to pour our hearts out and reach out for support. It inspires me everytime I see someone change and progress here too. Your friend in recovery, cdb
Hi Search,
Enjoy your newfound feedom and piece of mind. Take care of you.
Love jeannie