When my husband "decided" he needed rehab one month ago, and he went and admitted himself to a veteran's hospital, I really convinced myself and let him convince me that this would be the end to all of our problems.  He spent 20 days there, detoxed his system and got himself clean and sober.  When he decided to come home, I was happy to pick him up and glad to think that we would now "begin" our new life.  Wow.  Things went so bad so quickly.  I certainly wasn't prepared for how angry he would be, how much his moods would still be swinging.  Then I realized that while I didn't think he was drinking, he was taking the pain pills the VA had prescribed him for shoulder pain like they were candies.  Then on day 2 I found a beer cap on the kitchen counter.  He said he found it on the floor.  He hadn't been home for over 2 weeks and I knew that he couldn't have found it on the floor but I wanted to believe him so I did.  The next day I was shocked back into reality.  He went out to visit a friend and took my brand new truck.  It came home in pieces, including a piece of my garage.  Wow.  Would you believe I still stuck by him?  Thousands of dollars of damage and I didn't give up.  But I did tell him I'd reached the end of the line.  No more drinking.  No more abusing.  This was his last chance with me.  The next day he went to go to his first day of outpatient counseling and they sent him to the emergency room because he freaked out when he saw that is was "group therapy" and he just couldn't handle a group. He convinced the doc in ER to give him a shot of demoral because he was in so much "pain".  They wouldn't admit him as an inpatient because they said he had psychological issues.  They didn't tell me, but I'm sure it was really because they knew he didn't want to be there.  Why should they waste their time on him when there were other people who WANTED help?  Yet I still stood by him.  I spent the next day calling individual counselors, trying to get someone to see him right away.   When I got home that night he'd gone out with a friend.  His mother had spent the afternoon at our house with him and our daughter.  When she left I decided to take a shower and found another beer cap in there.  Wow.  No denying that.  When he got home, I asked him if he'd been drinking and he said that he had a few beers.  I asked him to leave.  No tears, no yelling, no anger.  Just leave.  His nephew came and picked him up.  The next day his mother drove him back to the VA hospital.  He saw a psychiatrist (a quack, according to him) who said he needed to be admitted to psych but they didn't have a bed at that time.  He spent the night at his parents that night and by the next morning she wasn't talking to him.  And yet she still had the nerve to be angry with me!  She said I'd been looking for a way out and this was my excuse.  She said it seemed like I didn't care about him anymore.  Wow.  I never expected that from her.  I thought she would understand.  Crazy.  The next day they admitted him to the psych ward at the VA and I've heard several stories since then - one that he threatened to kill everyone there, one that he's doing well.  He called me Saturday night and told me that if I gave him $500 he'd stop calling me.  I said I wasn't going to give him anything.  The next day he apologized.  He sounded normal again.  How do I know the truth from the lies?  How do I know if he's really trying to get better or if he's just manipulating the doctors up there so he can get out?  I honestly don't know if I could ever trust him again, even if he was clean and sober for years.  Our daughter is 2 years old.  I can't let her be around this kind of behavior, even though she cries for her daddy every day.  The thought of having a "normal" life is so tempting to me, but yet I know he'll never be out of my life because we do share this little girl.  I don't want to make any rash decisions, but I also don't want to give him hope by not doing anything at all.  I have an appointment to talk to a counselor on Friday and then I'm going on vacation with my parents next week.  He was supposed to go too - - - now I'm not sure I ever want to see him again even though his latest calls are filled with I'm sorrys and I love yous and I'm going to do whatever it takes. . . . I just don't know what my heart and my head are saying right now.  I feel as if my life is going from one extreme to the other in the blink of an eye.

Missy,

    It is very important that you take care of yourself right now so that you can take care of your daughter. You don't say if you attend alanon meetings. I hope that you do so that you can get the support that you need.  Try visiting the chat room also.  There are lots of good people there who can relate to how you are feeling.  Working the alanon program will give you the confidence and serenity you need to make rash decisions. Putting the emphasis on you and not your husband will give you a new life and freedom that you deserve.  Hope to see you on line.

 

                          Yours in recovery,

                             Danz

Hello missy,

I can really feel for you! Addiction is a tough disease for All. I believe things can get better for you. Getting away with your parents will be a time you may be able to think clearly and relax. Hopefully by then your husband can get some help too. It sounds like he wants help. 20 days to detox is not a long time to recover from addiction. He has a disease and addiction includes all kinds of drugs. Not only alcohol but prescription meds. etc. It is like a person with diabetes as far as his being ill. His cravings are there because he has this horrible disease. Removing him and his behavior from your daughter seems like a wise thing to do. It also helps the person to know you will not put up with things. Give yourself alot of credit for being strong enough to do that. Let your mother in law deal with her own issues. She could have not taken her son in and had him go somewhere else too.

For now, alanon is the place for you. I am glad you reached out here :) There are meetings here, a chatroom and lots of information such as speaker tapes, a bookstore to order alanon materials. etc. You are not alone. People here live what you do, know how you feel and understand what you are going through. Keep coming back. I am sure you will get other supportive replies too. So I will stop now. your friend, cdb

I relate to your discription of the roller coaster ride. Miss this is a perfect post to show you, what makes it so vital for us to take care of our selves. Your A is so sick and has to do it all on his own. I am talking phone calls getting to the va hospital, everything. I see you took care of you by having him leave. Good for you, and believe me, it helps him too. It is my experience if the A gets out of detox and does not go into an inpatient program, then get home to an outpatient one, then it will be an extreme miracle if they get well. I learned here that using is only a symptom of the disease. If an A does not have a program of recovery, nothing really changes. The pill thing was typical. I am so pissed how most doctors will give an A pain pills! I am especially shocked he got them at detox, if he really did. My A goes to the VA too in Oregon. The program is good, but my A tends to get detoxed and come all the way back home becuz a bed is not available. It is so dumb, they want them sober 4 days before inpatient, yet it can be days or weeks or months before they can get in... Anyway sometimes leaving them to get well on their own is the kindest thing we can do. But dang it is hard. My A is at his moms too. She has always been intimidated by me and jealous. She is sick. I have washed my hands of her. Even made it so noone can call me from her phone, including the A. Until my A steps foot in AA I know he is lost. He is so not on a program. He will not use for months, seem like he is on a program, then I go to town and he is right behind me heading in for a bottle. I don't freak or anything. It is his choice. But my choice now is, if he ever stays here he has the couch then he has to leave. I moved on. Well I am rambling. I would wish for you to step away from the insanity and build your own life. It is up to you if he is around or not I hope you can move ahead no matter what, and if he is a part of your life good, if not it is ok too. We may love them so very much, but that does not mean we can live with them. Glad to see ya here. love,debilyn

hey missy

feel for you and know that tug of war feeling..........between guilt and standing up for my self.

one tip........and this comes from my A husband.  if he's an alcoholic, and his lips are moving....he's lying.  don't expect the truth....you will be let down.  it is a difficult path, but nothing you can do can save him.  not phoning hospitals for him, arranging counselling.....none of it.  i tried.  and learned he had to fall down before he wanted to stand.  he had to feel the pain and consequences of his drinking to really want to recover.  it is a harsh lesson...we all learn it when we come to alanon.  if you're ready to throw in the white towel and surrender, you're ready to get better.  let him focus on himself...you focus on what's best for you and baby.  don't listen to the pleading........listen to your gut.  A's are great manipulators....they don't want to go down with the ship alone, so they cling to us.  we of course, think we're helping them by buying into the lies.  it does no one any favors. 

keep coming to alanon.  it will help you so much.  you will have a shoulder to lean on when you are in pain.  and you will learn from those who have been there before you.  that there is 'no pain that cannot be lessened'.  keep coming back,

hugs, jo

Thank you.  Just when I was beginning to waiver, I read your post.  My head knows you are right, it's just my heart that having a hard time.  He called again this morning from the hospital.  I feel like I need to take his calls so he can talk to his daughter - I don't want anyone to ever be able to say that I tried to keep her from him.  But he's not really calling to just talk to her, he wants me to believe that he's getting better.  I told him that even if he goes through this program, he's not just coming home to us.  If we have any chance at all to work this out - and I'm not sure we do - he needs to be clean and sober in the outside world and make it work there.  I know it's going to be hard, but I am committed at least to that.  I am so much calmer since he's been gone.  Before he called this morning my daughter got in bed with me when she woke up and she said "I miss my daddy".   It broke my heart and I don't know what to tell her except that her daddy misses her too.  But I haven't called him once, and I don't plan on visiting him there.  I'm trying so hard to send him a clear message that I'm done with this type of behavior and I'm done believing lies.

Thank you so much for the support.  I have a meeting with a counselor Friday and when I return from my vacation next week, I'm going to go to my local Al-Anon f2f meeting.  I know it will help, I just wasn't ready before.

Hi Missy

Well, not only can I feel your pain but I certainly can relate.  My A husband went into a treatment centre for 28 days. He got out on the Tuesday but never told me or came home until the Thursday. That was the start to the next phase of the nightmare. He stayed home with me and our 2 boys for 2 days, after which he left to supposedly go to an AA meeting and never came home.  He went to his mothers for a couple of days and them proceeded to basically move in with a woman with whom he was having an affair before he went into treatment! I am new to alanon myself since Feb but the strength you get from this program is unreal. I got the courage to pack up every piece of everything personal that belonged to him and put it into the garage. I hunted and found where his car was parked and left a note telling him to gather his things that night or they would be disposed of.  He did. I also let him know that I wanted to meet with him and then cancelled the meeting for a few days telling him my legal paperwork (which I never had) wasn't ready. Basically I shocked him back into reality! Since then, we have had a very productive meeting, he has taken the boys out for the day and he has called me daily sometimes twice/day.  The greatest part in all of this is that he has asked me if I want to attend theses marriage classes which a mutal friend and his wife are offering...of course I said yes. I have been married for 17yrs and no one said it was all going to be easy. I certainly have found that out. I have been betrayed but also have grown so much as a person as well as a wife and mother.  I no longer drink and hope to be able to show my husband that life without alcohol isn't that bad, actually it can be great!  I belive if you keep a positive attitude and a stiff upper lip, you can handle just about any situation.  I never hated my husband even after everything. I think that is why I never gave up. I think if you just let go and let God, whatever needs to happen will happen. Remember a saying that I keep reminding myself of...if you love something set it free, if it comes back it is yours, if not it never was.

Hang in there and keep coming back

hockeydal

hey missy...

i know how hard it is....guilt comes naturally to us alanoners.  i left my husband after 14 years with a 3 and 6 year old.  it really was a last resort as i knew i would break my son's heart.  it was the hardest thing i have ever done.  afterwards, i had to watch my son's daily tears, prayers at bedtime and at church for dad to get better so he would come home.  my husband went to AA when the'pain became sufficient"  only they know when that is.  he tried to come home early, and i had to fight guilt again, but deep down i knew i was still sick and not ready.  after 2 and 1/2 years in program, we decided to try again.  we have been back together now for about 1 1/2years.  i had no idea it would turn out this way....just focused on one day at a time and what was best for 'today'.  many today's later, it is so much better with the support of this program.  keep coming back.

jo