Today my "A" and I discussed his problem with drinking. I feel he has a major problem with alcohol and he feels that I imagine it all. I expressed my need to call an end to our marriage because he has a right to what he considers happiness and I too have rights. I feel extremely lonely and bitter. He makes me out to be an ungrateful bitch. He is a hard worker and is very much a functioning alcoholic for now. Our bills are all paid and he works as scheduled. He is probably a role model employee. I told him I have always been impressed with his work ethic. But being a good worker doesn't mean that you work as hard on your marriage. I feel like its time to wash my hands of this because again to him he doesn't have a problem... He got in my face as my daughter and I were watching TV and proceeded to tell me all women are evil including me. Then threw a PLayboy mag in my face and told me "Now thats what I consider HOT!!" Very inappropriate to say in front of a four year old.... He had been drinking of course. Am I wrong to want to put mine and my daughters life first?? Where do I start as far as getting the divorce process started. How much does it cost to discuss my rights with a lawyer? I told my "A" my intentions and again he is calling my bluff... I don't want things to get ugly. I just want my life back. Help!! I feel like I am falling is this normal? Any imput would be appreciated. I know I really need to take the first step of getting to my first f2f mtg quickly! I have wanted to end the relationship for 2 years and now its really bad. No abuse physically but mentally I can't take it! Well I am going to go to bed now and try to get a good nights rest so I can think more clearly about all this.
De Anna said
Apr 10, 2005
Hi,
You are on the right track about getting to a f2f meeting. They say (I don't know who they is?!) you should go to at least 6 meetings before making any decisions about al anon, like whether you belong or not. They also say not to make any major decisions right away. Remember this, it is what you put into the meetings. Listen, read, & re-read, then most importantly try to apply the steps into your life!
I try to never make major decisions when I'm hurt, angry, resentful. Go to the f2f meetings, & find yourself, work on yourself first. Later, when ever that is, when your more at peace with yourself, you can then make those big decisions.
Also remember each day is a new day.
cah said
Apr 10, 2005
I ditto what De Anna said, odaat, especially since you haven't been to an f2f meeting yet. I know it's hard, and it hurts, and my thoughts and prayers go out to you, but in addition to seeking legal advice, go to as many f2f meetings as you can.
Go talk to an attorney, even if you decide not to take action now, it's not a bad thing to know your rights.
*hugs*
Keep coming back!
debilyn said
Apr 10, 2005
I am glad you found this spot. There are wonderful people here that can
guide you and relate their experience.
You asked about attorney costs. What I did first was get a legal separation.
It can be done by yourself. The filing fee in Oregon is $300.
But you may want to be in alanon awhile before you make any major
decisions.
Alcoholism is a disease.
Do you love your A anymore? Sometimes the disease makes us so crazy we
forget how our heart feels. Alcoholism makes the whole family sick.
This is why it is a good idea to learn all you can and then make the decision
if you want to end the marriage.
I hope you keep coming back. We have meetings online here in the chat room.
And the chat room is cool too. love,debilyn
megan said
Apr 11, 2005
Hi and welcome,
First your earlier post - go to the wedding yourself. Why invite trouble? I have gone to many an affair in the 10 months since I found the alanon tools.
Your excuse for being alone? That's up to you to figure out.
I only recently informed my family of the exact nature of my marriage - that I am married to an alcoholic. they were VERY SUPPORTIVE. Some odd comments and some knew, all in all a helpful to me admission.
The Playboy - that is the disease talking. They like to criticize us and keep us down. They want things in their lives to be the same - ie they can keep drinking.
One of the best things that I learned was "you are living with insanity". Too true, even now that he has decided again to be sober...
My sister - married to a sex addict- why relevant? Well, she loves her husband but has come up with a "how to divocre "Pete" plan" She has worked through the finacial and legal aspects of what a divorce would entail. A good project in my opinion.
http://www.12stepforums.net/alanonmtgdir.html
here is the link to the face to face meetings. Try a few different ones. In my opinion some have spoken to me differently than to others.
And FINALLY, what about YOU? Have you done something nice for yourself lately? We get so caught up in the A's problem that we forget to live.......
Take a breath, take a walk, you are still in there
Megan
Diva said
Apr 11, 2005
Odaat, you are NOT wrong in wanting to put the concerns of you and your precious daughter first. You can find the divorce laws in your state by looking on the internet, but ultimately you need to find a lawyer. Many lawyers do not charge for an initial consultation. Call around until you find one. I know divorces can be accomplished without the assistance of a lawyer, but I feel that if I had to go to court I would want someone representing me and my interests. It's like trying to complete a complicated tax return; an expert can always do the best job.
Good luck to you as you travel on your path. Go to f2f meetings, stay strong, and forge ahead to the life you want. My prayers and positive thoughts follow along with you.
Diva
Jeannie said
Apr 11, 2005
(((Odaat)))
You are absolutely right to put your needs and those of your daughter above everything.
With an alcoholic it getting "ugly" is pretty much expected. They will do whatever they can to hold on to everything and continue drinking. Never expect a rational outcome when dealing with an A. The playboy nonsence was the disease talking. He was angry at you, and had to try and hurt you and put you down, to make you feel as bad as he does. Don't let him. Keep reminding yourself it is the disease talking.
Most Lawyers do not charge for a consult, but I know I was advised not to take legal action until I was sure and strong enough.
Try and get to a f2f and get some support. Keep reading and coming here. Take care of you and your little one. Try not to make any life altering permanent decisions while you are upset and angry.
Alanon can help make you strong, regardless of what you decide to do about him. The stronger you get, the less control his disease will have over you, and the clearer your decisions will be.
Love Jeannie
Mad4stevie said
Apr 11, 2005
With respect to your legal questions, I would go to www.lawyers.com and search for a family law attorney in your area. Make sure that the one that you speak with specializes in family law. You might also be able to call your local bar association (look in the phone book) for a referral to a family law attorney.
I am a practicing family law attorney in Pennsylvania, so I can't really advise you of any legal issues unless you are in PA. I can tell you that it is important to speak with a lawyer because you need to be aware of the initial custody and child support concerns that would arise as soon as you separate from your husband, if you decide to do that. Here in PA, alcoholism factors in custody cases heavily, but not in divorce cases. It all depends on your state law. Knowing how the state law affects your rights will help you feel at ease in making the decision.
In my practice, I consult with many people who are living in these types of situations. They may not be ready to leave when they first seek out a consultation, but they do gain valuable information about the legal process, so that if they do decide to leave, they know exactly what needs to be done. They also are better able to handle the "threats" that almost always arise when talking with the A about separating. Alot of the time, you will hear things from the A like "I will get full custody and you will get nothing" or "if you leave, I will take everything, including our child", all of which are manipulative threats to scare you into staying with the A. If you know your rights, you are more likely to recognize that these are tools of manipulation on the part of the A, and not things that can actually happen.
I hope that this helps :)
Mark S said
Apr 11, 2005
Odat,
Like your screen name!! Good for you in deciding that you want somthing different. The question then is how to acheive somthing different. As I see you suggest you attend your first f2f meeting and others re-affirmed this, it is a fantastic start for you! You ask if this is normal, all I can say is that I'm willing to bet that most have had the same feelings as you, I know I have...
Keep your chin up odat. Take it one day at a time
Mark S
odaat said
Apr 12, 2005
Thank you all for your love and support. Today was a better day. My screen name stands for One Day At A Time and today I enjoyed my day. I know each day is a gift and there are many people out there with larger problems. Today my focus was just on me. I feel good because the second I decided I was wasting my time being pissed about something he has no control over the brighter my day went. My HP is shining down on me and giving me the much needed strength to move forward. Am I so numb to it all I just have a screw it attitude?? I wondered today. It was nice that I was able to talk to my husband in a kind sincere tone this evening. I was proud of myself. I told him no matter what our problems are its unfair to allow our daughter to hear. Normal toned voices only. I made a promise to myself for just this day that I would only have kind things to say.. Because I can handle anything for a day at a time. I told my "A" I love him and it kills me to watch him kill himself little by little. I pointed to our daughter as she danced through the living room and asked him don't you want to see her grow up and one day walk with her on her wedding day many years from now. His doctor told him a week ago he has hypertension. Hummmmm..... He told him that in the next two months he wanted to do blood work and a complete physical. The results of the physical should be enough to scare the s*** out of him. He is on depression meds and drinks daily, I can't imagine that being good for the liver. Hope all is well but at the same time he needs a wake up call. I won't make any major decisions while in this mind frame, but I will gain the knowledge of what my rights are. I don't want to circle the drain with him. Thanks again for all your support and for holding me up. This group is exactly what I need!! :0) Ready to start another new day!
Hi,
You are on the right track about getting to a f2f meeting. They say (I don't know who they is?!) you should go to at least 6 meetings before making any decisions about al anon, like whether you belong or not. They also say not to make any major decisions right away. Remember this, it is what you put into the meetings. Listen, read, & re-read, then most importantly try to apply the steps into your life!
I try to never make major decisions when I'm hurt, angry, resentful. Go to the f2f meetings, & find yourself, work on yourself first. Later, when ever that is, when your more at peace with yourself, you can then make those big decisions.
Also remember each day is a new day.
I ditto what De Anna said, odaat, especially since you haven't been to an f2f meeting yet. I know it's hard, and it hurts, and my thoughts and prayers go out to you, but in addition to seeking legal advice, go to as many f2f meetings as you can.
Go talk to an attorney, even if you decide not to take action now, it's not a bad thing to know your rights.
*hugs*
Keep coming back!
Hi and welcome,
First your earlier post - go to the wedding yourself. Why invite trouble? I have gone to many an affair in the 10 months since I found the alanon tools.
Your excuse for being alone? That's up to you to figure out.
I only recently informed my family of the exact nature of my marriage - that I am married to an alcoholic. they were VERY SUPPORTIVE. Some odd comments and some knew, all in all a helpful to me admission.
The Playboy - that is the disease talking. They like to criticize us and keep us down. They want things in their lives to be the same - ie they can keep drinking.
One of the best things that I learned was "you are living with insanity". Too true, even now that he has decided again to be sober...
My sister - married to a sex addict- why relevant? Well, she loves her husband but has come up with a "how to divocre "Pete" plan" She has worked through the finacial and legal aspects of what a divorce would entail. A good project in my opinion.
http://www.12stepforums.net/alanonmtgdir.html
here is the link to the face to face meetings. Try a few different ones. In my opinion some have spoken to me differently than to others.
And FINALLY, what about YOU? Have you done something nice for yourself lately? We get so caught up in the A's problem that we forget to live.......
Take a breath, take a walk, you are still in there
Megan
(((Odaat)))
You are absolutely right to put your needs and those of your daughter above everything.
With an alcoholic it getting "ugly" is pretty much expected. They will do whatever they can to hold on to everything and continue drinking. Never expect a rational outcome when dealing with an A. The playboy nonsence was the disease talking. He was angry at you, and had to try and hurt you and put you down, to make you feel as bad as he does. Don't let him. Keep reminding yourself it is the disease talking.
Most Lawyers do not charge for a consult, but I know I was advised not to take legal action until I was sure and strong enough.
Try and get to a f2f and get some support. Keep reading and coming here. Take care of you and your little one. Try not to make any life altering permanent decisions while you are upset and angry.
Alanon can help make you strong, regardless of what you decide to do about him. The stronger you get, the less control his disease will have over you, and the clearer your decisions will be.
Love Jeannie
With respect to your legal questions, I would go to www.lawyers.com and search for a family law attorney in your area. Make sure that the one that you speak with specializes in family law. You might also be able to call your local bar association (look in the phone book) for a referral to a family law attorney.
I am a practicing family law attorney in Pennsylvania, so I can't really advise you of any legal issues unless you are in PA. I can tell you that it is important to speak with a lawyer because you need to be aware of the initial custody and child support concerns that would arise as soon as you separate from your husband, if you decide to do that. Here in PA, alcoholism factors in custody cases heavily, but not in divorce cases. It all depends on your state law. Knowing how the state law affects your rights will help you feel at ease in making the decision.
In my practice, I consult with many people who are living in these types of situations. They may not be ready to leave when they first seek out a consultation, but they do gain valuable information about the legal process, so that if they do decide to leave, they know exactly what needs to be done. They also are better able to handle the "threats" that almost always arise when talking with the A about separating. Alot of the time, you will hear things from the A like "I will get full custody and you will get nothing" or "if you leave, I will take everything, including our child", all of which are manipulative threats to scare you into staying with the A. If you know your rights, you are more likely to recognize that these are tools of manipulation on the part of the A, and not things that can actually happen.
I hope that this helps :)
Thank you all for your love and support. Today was a better day. My screen name stands for One Day At A Time and today I enjoyed my day. I know each day is a gift and there are many people out there with larger problems. Today my focus was just on me. I feel good because the second I decided I was wasting my time being pissed about something he has no control over the brighter my day went. My HP is shining down on me and giving me the much needed strength to move forward. Am I so numb to it all I just have a screw it attitude?? I wondered today. It was nice that I was able to talk to my husband in a kind sincere tone this evening. I was proud of myself. I told him no matter what our problems are its unfair to allow our daughter to hear. Normal toned voices only. I made a promise to myself for just this day that I would only have kind things to say.. Because I can handle anything for a day at a time. I told my "A" I love him and it kills me to watch him kill himself little by little. I pointed to our daughter as she danced through the living room and asked him don't you want to see her grow up and one day walk with her on her wedding day many years from now. His doctor told him a week ago he has hypertension. Hummmmm..... He told him that in the next two months he wanted to do blood work and a complete physical. The results of the physical should be enough to scare the s*** out of him. He is on depression meds and drinks daily, I can't imagine that being good for the liver. Hope all is well but at the same time he needs a wake up call. I won't make any major decisions while in this mind frame, but I will gain the knowledge of what my rights are. I don't want to circle the drain with him. Thanks again for all your support and for holding me up. This group is exactly what I need!! :0) Ready to start another new day!