I'm interested in hearing from any of you with some time in the program about dealing with the alcoholic in the life of someone you know. I was recently contacted by the A husband of a friend of mine who is not in the program, but who has been doing some program reading, and thinking seriously about her marriage. As it turns out, he was not confrontational, but I was quite unsure when I heard his voice on the phone. I braced myself for some form of "What have you been telling my wife?" So, what is the Alanon approach to this? It seems to me that civility, coupled with a refusal to discuss anything confidential, would be the way to go, but I'd appreciate any feedback any of you have.

I can speak from all perspectives, not just Alanon-- it's all about setting boundaries.  We do not have to disclose anything that we choose not to disclose to anyone for any reason.  That is our right and our choice.  Our confidence in what we know to be right is all we need to rely on and we don't owe ANYONE any explanation if we have a peace about what we feel is morally right.  Of course, we all have different perceptions of what is right and wrong, but basically right or wrong, it is still up to us to decide to tell anyone anything and nobody can dictate that to us and expect us to jump to respond at their questions and if they do, it is THEIR problem that we don't have to get pulled into resolving.  Hope this helps.....  Take Care!

-- Edited by sanddie at 21:16, 2005-04-08

Hi,

When I have a conversation with any of my friends, I don't feel the need to discuss it with theri spouse.

If you are giving her Alanon literature and acting as a sounding board, you are not harming him, nor is it his business.

I would be polite, and if he wants to know more I would tell him to speak with her. It is between them.

If I was discussing Alanon issues, even if not at a meeting, I would still consider it confidential, and never discuss it with anyone else.

                       Love Jeannie

Hello lin,

I learned (the hard way) that it is appropriate for women to talk to women and men to talk to men as one on one contact. That was for alanon. My daughter in AA learned that same thing too. She did however find out that if she could not find a woman sponsor then it was okay for her to have a male one if they did not talk about sex issues and met in a public place.

I personally would not want to support a mate of my friends. To me that may cause problems for all. That is why they have their own programs and their AA sponsors. I am not sure if I understood your question completely so I hope this helped in some way. 

I guess what I am saying is even with not being a sponsor sometimes it is best to have the boundaries like these. Some alcoholics have problems with drinking/drugging and relationship boundaries. And sometimes they are not able to keep themselves out of tempting situations. Just my thoughts. Thanks for posting and do keep coming back. :) cdb

 

Hello ,  the best thing u can do for your friend is take them to an Al-Anon meeting, as far as discussing what is said with the spouse , NOT . I have been living witha sober alcoholic for along time now and I never share what was said to me in confidence by a fellow member regarless of whether they are a family friend or not.

I can't stop my husb from drinking and I sure know I can't help anyone elses hubby either. Like some one told me yrs ago never give the enemy your game plan . enemy  being this rotten disease (not the person who has it) al anon is for us " period " the alcoholic dosent understand it any more than I understand theiir compulsion to drink. 

Treat the A with respect and MYOB  hehe. Louise

Thanks for your input, everybody. I've been handling everything about the way you have all suggested - "You will need to ask her that question, not me...." Had to fight a bit against my desire to 'fix' everything, of course. Tell him a few home truths, get my AA husband to 12th step him, and so on. It's none of my business, though, and, actually, the desire to butt in was not too strong. The longer I spend in alanon, the less need I have to focus on the problems of others in order to avoid my own - I love the way I really AM seeing myself change. It's difficult to see people you care about in pain, though. My husband and I just watched the old movie "Days of Wine and Roses". Underneath all the hokeyness, there was a pretty powerful alanon message, along with the AA one. In the end, you cannot save another person. You can only try to save yourself, and hope that you will serve as an example, and as a sign of hope.