hi all

feeling extremely overwhelmed since my first post my hubby has been in treatment coming home soon continues to speak to this other woman he has been having an affair with for the last two months . I have so much confusion ny hubby has been struggling with his recovery for awhile now and i have remained supportive he has never went outside the marriage before . In counseling before he went to treatment and while he has been in treatment all the counselors his sponsor etc have told him that this woman is part of his relapse. His sponsor likened it to a drink/drug she is his feel good and when that wasn't good enough he started to drink . Anyway things have seemed to just roll down hill i got to a point where i was starting to detach youknow let go let God and then we had a couples session at treatment and he blew up at me i basically sat there for an hour listening to him tell me taht all his problems were all my fault and that the other woman does not stress him . Well yeah she doesn't have 3 kids , a house,  bills and a dog with you not to mention your elderly parents living downstairs. Then the next day he calls me and starts to threaten me because i called his counselor at treatment about some issues we discussed during our couples session. I hung up on him and would not let him speak to the kids only to have him call his parents and a big fight broke out withthem. According to them their son only problem is he married a crazy low life like me. This is all too much I want to move yet because of finances I can't right now unless i go out of state to my moms then my kids suffer and lose all thier friends . Personally i don;t want to leave the state only this house . Just when i feel I have reached some sort of peace i get thrown a curve ball. Meanwhile I still want to hold out hope that my hubby and I can work something out one day .

Am i a fool or what? Hubby did call to apologize wasn't really worth much he sends so many mixed messages and I do know he is still in the grips of his disease should i just cut and run or should i hang tight .? I mean i know only i can make that decision but is my judgement being clouded by love or whatever ? I guess what makes it so hard is he never behaved this way before we always said we would do whatever to try and work things out this cruel , mean person is not someone or married.

Hello khadejah,

(((((((supportive hugs))))))) It sounds like you already grasp some good tools. You are the only one that can make up your mind. It is good that you are thinking of your kids too. I often get feelings of wanting to run away when I feel overwhelmed about all kinds of things. But, no matter where I go,,,I will still be there,,,and so will the same problems inside my self.

I hope that treatment counselor handled your feelings too. The counselor my daughter had at the family meetings was good at hearing all of us and making sure none of us left feeling bad. I have called her counselor too and talked knowing that the counselors do pass on the information. This is so we do not continue to live with a No Talk Rule where people keep secrets. It is important for things to be out in the open.

My daughter also used guys as part of her addiction. She realized this during treatment. She is working on this.  Inifdelity is an awful thing and my daughter is not married. We all have our own HP/higher powers to turn to to guide us and make decisions. Quick deicisons for me are never a good thing. My emotions need to calm down so I can sit back and look at things and maybe even get other people's of views. Journaling is a help or even re-reading what we type here a few different times.

New days come with new challenges and new feelings and perspectives. I will keep you in my heart and prayers. Maybe moving the furniture around or changing a few things in the home would make it feel more your own. Getting some new scents going too may help.Sometimes little things like that can help. your friend, cdb

((((((((((Khadejah))))))))))  big hugs to you!!!!

I can feel the hurt in your post and I do feel for you!!!  I have nothing to share but I just wanted you to know that you and your kids are in my thoughts and prayers.

When you figure out what to do you will be confidant with your decision. You know the saying that if you are unsure then don't do it.

Your friend JJ

((((((((((Khadejah)))))))))) 

Wow does your situation sound a lot like mine, with the exception that my husband is no longer in treatment.

First of all when he was in treatment we did have some sessions. You do not have to take a beating. Remember you are not to blame for his drinking and a councilor that lets him dump everything on you is not protecting you nor doing him any favors.

Hold to your boundaries,while you want to help him, being a whipping post is not good for your recovery.

As for his parents, boy do I know that drill. My In-laws have taken his side and blamed me for everything including the weather. As time has gone on, I realized that there was a lot of guilt in them, that they may have caused this. Also him being hteir son, they wanted to believe him, they wanted an easy cure and it was so much easier to have me be the problem and not him. They have started to come around slightly and we have begun to realize that we are all the victims.

Keep reminding yourself that it is the disease talking in their case as well as him. Work your own program and take the time to be extra good to yourself.

I know it is easier said than done.

You are in my prayers.

                             Love Jeannie

thanks all for the support everyday brings new challenges and thoughts , it is so helpful to post and read on this board it definately makes me feel as if i am not alone.

i have been taking it one day at a time and trying to focus on me not that he doesn't come into my mind but  i try not to dwell on it.

I have definately been taking ODAT sometimes one hour at a time.

again thanks and i will make sure i keep coming back sometimes it feels as if my life depends on it

(((((Khadejah))))) My alcoholic didn't chase women during our marriage, but he did replace his addiction with sex and control.  After 7 years in recovery I realized that I didn't love him and that the person I married was not someone I could live with the rest of my life. He verbally and sexually abused me and I realized one day that he was not going to change and I didn't have to put up with it anymore.  It was a hard decision to make, we had been married for 18 years. I didn't want to divorce him, but HP kept telling me this was the direction to go.  That is what I wanted to relate to you....listen to HP. Each person has a direction that HP guides us in our lives and only they know what it is.  The only thing I can suggest is that you don't have to put up with verbal abuse, and you have every right to take care of yourself and your children.  Will keep you in my prayers, SenoraBob.