my husband left me three years ago for another women who he has recently broken up with. He is an alcoholic and made my life hell for 12 years after which he left. Despite this I do and have always loved him deeply.
He is now attending AA and is trying his best to be sober, but it is so so so hard for him. I stupidly started sleeping with his again and his new sponsor has now told him that he should not have a relationship with me because it will hinder his recover. I feel he is dragging me down and leaning on me and I feel I am drowing and cant get out. I worry constantly about him and he I know he likes me to worry. I want us to be a family again, but yet know i am probably just dreaming and he is just using me for sex and some support. But i just cant help myself . Please help.
Jeannie said
Apr 6, 2005
Hi Melanie,
Welcome.
Especially in recovery, your ex husband needs to lean on and depend on himself in order to keep going.
You sound very confused, and you can't let yourself be dragged down. You need to take responsibiltiy for your life and your well being.
There is nothing wrong with hope and if you can forgive, relationships sometimes work the second time around, but it takes time.
As for having sex with him, you are not crazy, but when you say you feel you are being used for sex, that is not a good thing. As long as you both feel good about it, you are consenting adults, and no one should judge you, but you don't sound like you feel very good about it.
I know when you still love someone it is easy to fall back into the old ways. I know myself though my husband and I are seperated, on several occasions we ended up sleeping together. While it was wonderful at the time, afterwords I did not feel good about myself. He wasn't doing anything wrong and he wasn't forcing me, in fact I was all too willing, but I realized that it was just a bandaid and the next day I generally felt worse. When I had to explain it to him he got a little angry, his excuse was we are married, why do you have to analyze everything to death. I told him loving him, or our sex life was not the problem and I just didn't think it was good for me to continue like that. I had to set up boundaries on that for my own good.
Take your time. They say if it was meant to be it will. Let your ex husband deal with his own recovery and you deal with yourself. Learn more about the disease, read, try and attend meetings if possible and keep coming here. If you both want to try and reestablish your marriage it will come in time, but if you rush it, you might get hurt, worse than before.
Take care of yourself
Love Jeannnie
melanieL said
Apr 6, 2005
Thank you so much , I have started to attend Al-anon and have read an awful lot. I know what you say is true but trying to put it into practise is very hard. I want to support and help him, but sometimes feel resentful that i do even though i can help myself. I also know i have to set boundaries and be stronger. I have started to put Al-anon theories into practise and have stopped for sometime now arguing with him, but i know by doing this I am not always being truthful and biting my tongue a lot, he talks a lot of crazyness at the moment as I am sure u know.
But i will keep attending and keep learning on a daily basis.
Mel
QnJoan said
Apr 6, 2005
Welcome Melanie to this wonderful program.
In alanon I learned how to deal with my own uncontrollable behavior. And I also learned how to find out what it was that I really wanted. I learned how to take the focus off of my alcoholic husband whom I kept trying to change to make him give me what I thought I wanted. in these rooms, I learned that I was never going to get him to do anything he didn't want to do no matter how much I raged, stomped my feet, slammed doors, or cried. And I learned to put the focus on myself, so that I could become a woman of dignity and honor who knows what I want and no longer accepts unacceptable behavior from anyone else or even myself.
In alanon we don't give advice or tell anyone what to do. We offer to share our experience, strength , and hope on our own journeys to recovery. This gives everyone the right to choose what they like with no judgements from anyone. It is a wonderful program...gentle and loving and supportive. I won't deny that it is hard work but it is rewarding. I invite you to come to this room often and listen and learn. You won't regret it.
Love and peace in the program.
Joan
abbyal said
Apr 6, 2005
Hello Melani , well as we say here we do have choices, if u continue to put yourself in harms way don't be suprised if you get hurt in the process. I hope u are going to meetings for yourself , it is possible for an A to change but he isn't the only one who has to change, if you want respect u need to ask for it by setting some boundaries for your relationship. Al-Anon will help u in this relationship. IT's ok to love an alcoholic but not ok to make it at your expence.
This prog has improved every relationship I have , this program works if we stay long enough to work it for ourselves. AA will take care of him and his recovery , there is always hope. but don't forget about yourself while he recovers. You deserve to be happy and treated with respect,so far it dosen't sound like he is showing u much and until u believe in your heart that you deserve better,nothing is going to change. (hugs) good luck Louise
melanieL said
Apr 7, 2005
Thanks Joan for your advise. I dont stomp or stamp, moan or rave anymore, we dont live together so I find it easier to detach that way, anyway its not something he can help. I feel very sorry for him . I know over the past three years I have changed greatly but he still knows what strings to pull and I am trying very hard not to react.
Its funny but the whole time we were married it never crossed my mind to go to alanon. I am certainly learning new things every day.
melx
cdb said
Apr 7, 2005
Hello Melanie,
Welcome to MIP and to the message board :) The alcoholic in my life is my 20 year old daughter. She talked crazy many times when she was using/drinking. Some people say sober involves more that not drinking. It involves working their program. She had outpatient treatment over a year ago and kept relapsing every 3 months or so. She would have black outs when she would drink. She would not remember what she did or said. She would get violent too. During the last year she was getting alot better but still not herself. She recently went into an inpatient program to quit drinking completely. When she relapses she actually becomes crazy in her behavior. Now that she has been sober for about 2 months and has worked her program she is more like the daughter we knew 5 years ago.
I don't know if this helps but these are the thoughts I had when reading your post. When she is not talking or thinking clearly it makes it so difficult for us to even have a relationship with her. What it all comes back to is to work our own program and to focus on us, to take one day at a time, and to keep posting and coming here for support. your friend in recovery, cdb :)
Hi Melanie,
Welcome.
Especially in recovery, your ex husband needs to lean on and depend on himself in order to keep going.
You sound very confused, and you can't let yourself be dragged down. You need to take responsibiltiy for your life and your well being.
There is nothing wrong with hope and if you can forgive, relationships sometimes work the second time around, but it takes time.
As for having sex with him, you are not crazy, but when you say you feel you are being used for sex, that is not a good thing. As long as you both feel good about it, you are consenting adults, and no one should judge you, but you don't sound like you feel very good about it.
I know when you still love someone it is easy to fall back into the old ways. I know myself though my husband and I are seperated, on several occasions we ended up sleeping together. While it was wonderful at the time, afterwords I did not feel good about myself. He wasn't doing anything wrong and he wasn't forcing me, in fact I was all too willing, but I realized that it was just a bandaid and the next day I generally felt worse. When I had to explain it to him he got a little angry, his excuse was we are married, why do you have to analyze everything to death. I told him loving him, or our sex life was not the problem and I just didn't think it was good for me to continue like that. I had to set up boundaries on that for my own good.
Take your time. They say if it was meant to be it will. Let your ex husband deal with his own recovery and you deal with yourself. Learn more about the disease, read, try and attend meetings if possible and keep coming here. If you both want to try and reestablish your marriage it will come in time, but if you rush it, you might get hurt, worse than before.
Take care of yourself
Love Jeannnie
Welcome Melanie to this wonderful program.
In alanon I learned how to deal with my own uncontrollable behavior. And I also learned how to find out what it was that I really wanted. I learned how to take the focus off of my alcoholic husband whom I kept trying to change to make him give me what I thought I wanted. in these rooms, I learned that I was never going to get him to do anything he didn't want to do no matter how much I raged, stomped my feet, slammed doors, or cried. And I learned to put the focus on myself, so that I could become a woman of dignity and honor who knows what I want and no longer accepts unacceptable behavior from anyone else or even myself.
In alanon we don't give advice or tell anyone what to do. We offer to share our experience, strength , and hope on our own journeys to recovery. This gives everyone the right to choose what they like with no judgements from anyone. It is a wonderful program...gentle and loving and supportive. I won't deny that it is hard work but it is rewarding. I invite you to come to this room often and listen and learn. You won't regret it.
Love and peace in the program.
Joan
Hello Melani , well as we say here we do have choices, if u continue to put yourself in harms way don't be suprised if you get hurt in the process. I hope u are going to meetings for yourself , it is possible for an A to change but he isn't the only one who has to change, if you want respect u need to ask for it by setting some boundaries for your relationship. Al-Anon will help u in this relationship. IT's ok to love an alcoholic but not ok to make it at your expence.
This prog has improved every relationship I have , this program works if we stay long enough to work it for ourselves. AA will take care of him and his recovery , there is always hope. but don't forget about yourself while he recovers. You deserve to be happy and treated with respect,so far it dosen't sound like he is showing u much and until u believe in your heart that you deserve better,nothing is going to change. (hugs) good luck Louise
Hello Melanie,
Welcome to MIP and to the message board :) The alcoholic in my life is my 20 year old daughter. She talked crazy many times when she was using/drinking. Some people say sober involves more that not drinking. It involves working their program. She had outpatient treatment over a year ago and kept relapsing every 3 months or so. She would have black outs when she would drink. She would not remember what she did or said. She would get violent too. During the last year she was getting alot better but still not herself. She recently went into an inpatient program to quit drinking completely. When she relapses she actually becomes crazy in her behavior. Now that she has been sober for about 2 months and has worked her program she is more like the daughter we knew 5 years ago.
I don't know if this helps but these are the thoughts I had when reading your post. When she is not talking or thinking clearly it makes it so difficult for us to even have a relationship with her. What it all comes back to is to work our own program and to focus on us, to take one day at a time, and to keep posting and coming here for support. your friend in recovery, cdb :)