So I had my dental surgery and made it through it fine. I am very sore as it was pretty invasive and I must say my husband has been home everynight keeping an eye on me. Tonight after work he went out which I had expected and I am fine with, however he brought home a friend and they are currently passed out on my couches. I was PO'd because like I want company when I am swelled up, look and feel like SH!t. He binged tonight...like he did last week after he had to be home for a few days. This part of it bothers me because when he wakes up I always find him about to urinate in all sorts of places other than the toilet. Last time he actually peed the bed. Yuck... I don't think in my better or for worse I signed up for this. How do I be supportive when in situations like this???????????????????? Plain and simple it discusts me!!! I don't say anything any more like I used to and we don't fight but I am feeling like this is not what I want in my life!!!!!! I am confused....

I need to think of my kids and if they were home tonight how then would I have handled this situation. Should I act like this behavior is ok?? I don't want my kids to think this is ok, its not it is unacceptable to me.

I think it is time I talked to my husband, made a list of boundaries, give him some information on AA. I don't know what else to do I know I can't help him, the 3C's and all of that but I think that he should know what goes through my mind and how I feel about everything. I know this is probably not a good idea but I am feeling it is what I need to do for me.

Sory I am venting and thinking way to much again

JJ

hi jj!

i wanted to reply to you cuz i can relate to much of your post.  my a always thinks he 'deserves' to go to the bar after some time home, too, except for him, it usually consists of being home for a few 'hours' on the weekend, then since he's stayed home so long, he deserves to go.  that's only sometimes...otherwise, the bar is just a given...as soon as he's drank enough coffee to wake up!

i also relate to the bathroom thing.  i've seen it all with that one...i wont go into details....yuck!

but as far as your kids go...for tonite, anyway...don't think about 'what would i have done if they had been here?', cuz, tonite....they weren't there.  don't borrow trouble, hon!  if they HAD been there, hp would have guided you through how to handle that.  hp will show you how to  communicate to them that dad's behavior is unacceptable. if/when they are there when something unacceptable happens...in a way that won't be putting their dad down, but yet let them know he's not making wise choices at the time.  i have had extensive talks with our son about the disease, and when daddy is screwing up, we say 'the disease is winning.  daddy doesn't mean it, and wishes he didn't do these things.  but the disease is strong..." and things along that line.  but, believe me, i don't always handle it right with my son.  sometimes i'm not so forgiving regarding the disease with my comments!  progress....

there is nothing wrong in doing what you need to do for you, but try to remember that the result is up to hp and your a (good reminder for me, too!)

i wish you a speedy recovery with your dental work, and hp's guidance with all the other big stuff as well!

search41

Thank you sooo much search41, I definately needed some kind and wise words tonight. I will take your advise about how to talk with my kids.

Greatly appreciate your reply
JJ

JJ

I was so hoping you'd see the reply tonite.  i know how it is to post here and really need someone to say SOMETHING!  i really wish you hp's guidance, and know it will be there for you when you need it!

relating to you...

search41

(lori)

Hey jj

Peeing on the bed - not good not good.  If you feel you need to start setting some boundries you definately have some good material to back yourself up with - um hygiene, setting a good example for the kids, being respectful towards you ect ect.

When my A goes to the toilet wacked in the middle of the night with out light on and pees all over floor, next morning I show him the mess and I tell him this is just not good enough its disgusting and usually he agrees and says Yes thats not good I will try to get it in the toilet next time.

You are entitled to set some boundries if you are not happy its your right as a person.  Setting no boundries doesn't help them, its just kinda free for all. 

Hope you are feeling better after dentists visit.

Ava

((())) 

Thank guys, I know it is boundary time and I am working on that. I will keep you all posted.

Lori I think my hp sent you to me last night and wanted to say thanks again.

Your friend JJ

You have the right to feel your own feelings.  Don't be sorry about venting.  We all do it.  Boundaries are good.  I always make boundaries that are attainable, or ones I can stick too, otherwise my words mean nothing.  So, think it thru & decide what you can deal with, what you can't, & what the consequence will be (just remember to stick to your words) 

Communication in good form is never a bad thing.  I found the "I" word works best.  Ya know, I feel, I need, I hear you say, etc.  The "you" word puts people on the defensive side.  Like "you should", "you make me...." 

I've spoke to people both in al-anon & in AA.  When I wanted to confront my hub, they said leave the lit laying around.  You can't force them to read it, or you can't read it to them, just leave it laying around.  If they ask further, answer. 

If at all possible, let him clean up the urine. 

I hope ya feel better. 

Hi JJ

Hope you are feeling better.

You are definately entitled to your own boundaries, just make sure you keep it to ones you can stick to. Remember say what you mean, and mean what you say.

As far as your kids, I don't know what ages they are, but I have always found that honesty in a age appropriate way always worked best. My kids learned early that the things Daddy was doing where not acceptable behavior. As for things that happened when they where not there, I usually kept that to myself. Sort of what they didn't know couldn't hurt them. I didn't want to worry them. I never want them to feel like they have to protect me.

Be kind to yourself and allow your dental work to heal.

                       Love Jeannie

Friends thanks for your replys! I have not ever has to set many boundaries in the past and the few I have set I have stuck too!!! At first this whole situation when I thought about it I figured that I would not say anything as I figured he would be ashamed of him self enough that me saying anything was pointless and there is no point to make him feel worse about it, however this is something that has really been bothering me and I can't even look at him with out thinking about it. I will think very carefully and approach him with my feelings and some of the boundaries I have written down.

As for my kids I never bring up anything that they have not been witness to or asked me about. My children are young 5 and 3 and I do agree that what they don't know is better for them! I am honest to them and no longer lie to them about their dad as I found it harder and my son would actually get mad at me for his dad always being gone out or what I used to tell them "working late". I now tell them he is out and if they get upset I tell them I am sory but can not make him come home. Having children sure does make it harder on me!!! I love them sooo much and instead of being hurt look at it as extra special time I get to spend with them!! Make the most of it! Make it special for the kids and I.

Take care all of you. Love your friend JJ

Hi JJ,

Just wanted to say how I enjoyed your last comment about instead of being angry when he's away, taking the time to enjoy "extra time" with the kids.  Took me a while to figure that one out, but boy are we having fun now!    If he chooses not to be involved in their lives, he is the biggest loser in all of this, and there are no "do-over's in life...ever!. 

Bonnie

That is so true. There are no do overs. The kids grow up so fast, and the A misses so much of it because of their drinking, it really is their loss.

My husband has missed out on everything from first tooth and first steps, to the day they get their drivers license (Our kids range from 1 to 18).

He misses ball games and proms, and the really sad part is that they don't even expect him to be a part of anything any longer. When he tells them he will be there, they usually know he will not, and will always make an excuse that they no longer believe.

My seven year old sumed it up. I used to tell him Daddy was sleeping, and he just would tell me, ya mean Daddy is drunk on beer again.Nothing much I could say to that.

                      Love Jeannie