I'm so confused. My A, husband, is being discharged from his "detox" hospital tomorrow after more thant 2 weeks there. He has an appointment first thing Monday to a "rehab" hospital, where they will decide what kind of program he needs - inpatient, outpatient, partial treatment, whatever those things mean. He just called me to say that the detox hospital will be sending him home with all of his meds, including pain medication for his shoulder, which is part of the problem. When I mentioned that I was concerned about this - in the past, he'd get a prescription for pain pills filled and the whole bottle would be gone just days later - he got angry and said I was treating him like a child. I ended up hanging up because I just don't know what I'm supposed to do, what I'm supposed to say. Should I be going with him to this appointment Monday? He said no. It's not that I don't think he's committed to beating this, because I truly think he is. Its just that I don't trust him, I don't trust his willpower, and I'm not sure what role I'm supposed to be taking now. If I get too involved, I risk trying to control the disease and I know I can't do that. But I can't just shut myself out of it completely, either. I guess maybe I just stay out of it until Monday and find out what happens then? I hate that he makes me feel like I should just believe that everything is going to be fine. He thinks that just because he's taken this step I should be happy and trust him. While I am happier, I'm also a bag of nerves, and I'm MILES away from trust. This is so new to both of us but I just don't want to be fighting with him about it anymore. Any advice? m
Jeannie said
Apr 1, 2005
Hi Missy and welcome,
Trust is a hard thing when dealing with any alcoholic. After so many lies and years of mistrust it is hard to offer it. Your husband has to earn your trust back, but you need to learn to trust yourself and your instincts.
Wether your husband is serious about his recovery or not, there is nothing you can do about it. Even if you hold his hand every step of the way, you cannot make him accept recovery, he must do tht alone. You can offer your support and your love, but the rest has to be up to him.
As far as Monday, take your cues from him. It is his journey and he must begin it alone. With Alanon you can find your own journey, and learn to be happy, no matter what he does. Keep coming here, get to face to face meetings if possible and take care of yourself, the healthier you get the better it willbe for both of you.
Also read, anything you can get your hands on.
Best wishes to you both.
Love Jeannie
missyg said
Apr 1, 2005
Thanks Jeannie.
I think detaching is going be VERY hard for me, but I am going to try. I'm a natural control freak anyway, so this is just one more thing. I appreciate your advice and I will continue coming here and I have a friend who plans to take me to a f2f meeting next week. Hopefully I can start to let this stress go.
thank you
abbyal said
Apr 1, 2005
Hello Missy, wellllllll I hate to tell you but his recovery is none of your business, Iam assuming that u are attending meetings for yourself , work your own program and recover from the affects of his drinking. leave him to God and (hopefully) AA they will take care of him. Trust is a biggie alright , but start with trusting yourself and your own instincts,trust what your seeing and hearing and act accordingly.
For me the best way to support the A in my life is to work my own program and stay out of his face. And most A's feel that because they are sober we should be ok not true , but in Al-Anon I learned to talk out my anger with other members or my sponsor half of what was wrong with me were my problems really and had nothing to do with him afterall. One day at a time You can do this. meetings a good sponsor and u will be just fine. good luck Louise
dot said
Apr 1, 2005
H missya - I'm glad to hear you will be going to f2f meetings. That is the best thing you can do to support your husband.
Get some phone #s and call someone everyday. You will need lots of reminding that you can DO nothing about his program - whether he does it or not - it's up to him. Only your program is up to you.
Good luck and keep posting here.
Love in recovery - Dot
((((((((((missya))))))))))
jessi said
Apr 1, 2005
Missy,
I heard this in a f2f meeting: (a woman sharing about her son's alcoholism):
She said she was worried he wasn't going to enough meetings so she called her sponsor. Her sponsor asked her if she had driven her son to the bar on the many nights he went to get drunk. Shocked, the mom said, of course not. Her sponsor replied, well then, getting him to meetings is none of your business either.
I always liked that story because it really speaks to the necessary willingness on the part of the A to get better to maintain sobriety.
Thanks for sharing so open and honestly. And keep coming back. It will get better.
Love and hugs,
Jessi
TLC2 said
Apr 3, 2005
Hi, and welcome!
I could be mistaken, but kinda 'reading between the lines', you sound like the kind of person I was. Taking care of him in all aspects, doing for him, etc.,etc...
I used to 'babysit' my A-bigtime!! Half carrying him home when he was too drunk to walk, taking the booze away from him, fighting with him... His whole family seemed to think I was his 'Savior', and depended on me to keep him out of trouble. I was as sick as he was,'cause it made me feel good to be so needed. After about 5 years of this, with both of us getting sicker, I came here to this board. Man! What a wake-up call!
With the help of the people here, reading all the posts and their experiences, I learned to detatch with love. It didn't happen over-night, but when my attitude changed; I would no longer fight with him, his attitude changed too. At one point, I learned to let go and let God (my HP). I prayed a lot and miracles began to happen. He hasn't been on a binge for over a year. Sometimes, I see him struggle, but we have made it this far.Funny, just the other day, he mentioned that I don't get B****y any more. Understanding more about Alcoholism has helped me a lot. If he had Cancer, I wouldn't leave him, and Alcoholism is a disease...I chose to stay knowing the wonderful man he is when his disease doesn't have total control over him.
Anyway, I think your A may think he is cured, and may think "hey! I did all this for you, so, you should be really happy with me now!" I imagine the program he has been in is very intensive, and mind-boggling, and he has worked very hard.
I can totally relate to your feelings of mistrust, and really believe that they don't remember a LOT of what they have put us through, so find it hard to understand why we aren't jumping for joy with them! As someone else said, they have to earn your trust. It's hard, and I know in my case, I still get resentful at times, and hide in my corner licking my wounds, but I usually don't let him see this. I come to this board and find the strength and courage to keep getting healthier.
Anyway, that is my experience, take what you need, and leave the rest. Hope it helps in some small way!! Read all the al-anon lit. you can. If you understand more about the disease, it helps you cope with it. Don't forget to take care of YOU !! Best of luck to you both, you'll be in my prayers, TLC
missyg said
Apr 3, 2005
Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom. I have to admit, I didn't think it would be this hard having him home again after his 2 weeks in detox. It's been the hardest day and a half in my life. You're right, he's acting like I should be jumping for joy, like I should just believe that our lives are going to change so much so soon. But he's been away from me twice so far since he's been home and both times my chest bound up like a coffin and I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world. I tried to explain to him that the most important thing he can do for me right now is to be where he says he's going to be, no matter how trivial, and to be home when he says he's going to be home. He says he understands but on the other hand, I've been telling him those very things for the past ten years and he couldn't do it then, so why should I think he'll do it now? I haven't been able to stop choking on the emotion. Last night I was so exhausted, I went to bed a little bit early and he came in to our bedroom, almost screaming at me that he couldn't believe I was "sleeping" on his first night home. I just felt like my body was crushing in on me. My mind knows what I'm supposed to be doing, and I've even said it outloud to him - but inside, I feel like I'm being stretched in two different directions. I want to believe him, to trust him, to start all over again, but I don't know how. I can't wait for him to start his next program. Thank God his appointment is first thing tomorrow morning. I'm glad he's home, but in a way I'm not. I was so devasted at first when he went to rehab, but looking back now i realize that I was fine - probably more fine than I've been in a long time while he was gone. In fact, the only times I came unhinged was after having conversations with him that I felt were negative or discouraging. And I had thought that dealing with a 2 year old all by myself was going to make me go nuts. It didn't. I still plan to go the the f2f meeting this week. I know more than ever now that I need it. Thank you for your prayers and for letting me vent it all out. I think this is the hardest thing I've ever been through, and even though it seems like things are about to get so much better, I just can't believe in it yet. One day at a time. It's so much easier than said. Detaching with love, is that the hardest thing in the world to do? I'm trying, that's all I can do at this point.
Hi Missy and welcome,
Trust is a hard thing when dealing with any alcoholic. After so many lies and years of mistrust it is hard to offer it. Your husband has to earn your trust back, but you need to learn to trust yourself and your instincts.
Wether your husband is serious about his recovery or not, there is nothing you can do about it. Even if you hold his hand every step of the way, you cannot make him accept recovery, he must do tht alone. You can offer your support and your love, but the rest has to be up to him.
As far as Monday, take your cues from him. It is his journey and he must begin it alone. With Alanon you can find your own journey, and learn to be happy, no matter what he does. Keep coming here, get to face to face meetings if possible and take care of yourself, the healthier you get the better it willbe for both of you.
Also read, anything you can get your hands on.
Best wishes to you both.
Love Jeannie
Thanks Jeannie.
I think detaching is going be VERY hard for me, but I am going to try. I'm a natural control freak anyway, so this is just one more thing. I appreciate your advice and I will continue coming here and I have a friend who plans to take me to a f2f meeting next week. Hopefully I can start to let this stress go.
thank you
Hello Missy, wellllllll I hate to tell you but his recovery is none of your business, Iam assuming that u are attending meetings for yourself , work your own program and recover from the affects of his drinking. leave him to God and (hopefully) AA they will take care of him. Trust is a biggie alright , but start with trusting yourself and your own instincts,trust what your seeing and hearing and act accordingly.
For me the best way to support the A in my life is to work my own program and stay out of his face. And most A's feel that because they are sober we should be ok not true , but in Al-Anon I learned to talk out my anger with other members or my sponsor half of what was wrong with me were my problems really and had nothing to do with him afterall. One day at a time You can do this. meetings a good sponsor and u will be just fine. good luck Louise
Hi, and welcome!
I could be mistaken, but kinda 'reading between the lines', you sound like the kind of person I was. Taking care of him in all aspects, doing for him, etc.,etc...
I used to 'babysit' my A-bigtime!! Half carrying him home when he was too drunk to walk, taking the booze away from him, fighting with him... His whole family seemed to think I was his 'Savior', and depended on me to keep him out of trouble. I was as sick as he was,'cause it made me feel good to be so needed. After about 5 years of this, with both of us getting sicker, I came here to this board. Man! What a wake-up call!
With the help of the people here, reading all the posts and their experiences, I learned to detatch with love. It didn't happen over-night, but when my attitude changed; I would no longer fight with him, his attitude changed too. At one point, I learned to let go and let God (my HP). I prayed a lot and miracles began to happen. He hasn't been on a binge for over a year. Sometimes, I see him struggle, but we have made it this far.Funny, just the other day, he mentioned that I don't get B****y any more. Understanding more about Alcoholism has helped me a lot. If he had Cancer, I wouldn't leave him, and Alcoholism is a disease...I chose to stay knowing the wonderful man he is when his disease doesn't have total control over him.
Anyway, I think your A may think he is cured, and may think "hey! I did all this for you, so, you should be really happy with me now!" I imagine the program he has been in is very intensive, and mind-boggling, and he has worked very hard.
I can totally relate to your feelings of mistrust, and really believe that they don't remember a LOT of what they have put us through, so find it hard to understand why we aren't jumping for joy with them! As someone else said, they have to earn your trust. It's hard, and I know in my case, I still get resentful at times, and hide in my corner licking my wounds, but I usually don't let him see this. I come to this board and find the strength and courage to keep getting healthier.
Anyway, that is my experience, take what you need, and leave the rest. Hope it helps in some small way!! Read all the al-anon lit. you can. If you understand more about the disease, it helps you cope with it. Don't forget to take care of YOU !! Best of luck to you both, you'll be in my prayers, TLC
Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom. I have to admit, I didn't think it would be this hard having him home again after his 2 weeks in detox. It's been the hardest day and a half in my life. You're right, he's acting like I should be jumping for joy, like I should just believe that our lives are going to change so much so soon. But he's been away from me twice so far since he's been home and both times my chest bound up like a coffin and I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world. I tried to explain to him that the most important thing he can do for me right now is to be where he says he's going to be, no matter how trivial, and to be home when he says he's going to be home. He says he understands but on the other hand, I've been telling him those very things for the past ten years and he couldn't do it then, so why should I think he'll do it now? I haven't been able to stop choking on the emotion. Last night I was so exhausted, I went to bed a little bit early and he came in to our bedroom, almost screaming at me that he couldn't believe I was "sleeping" on his first night home. I just felt like my body was crushing in on me. My mind knows what I'm supposed to be doing, and I've even said it outloud to him - but inside, I feel like I'm being stretched in two different directions. I want to believe him, to trust him, to start all over again, but I don't know how. I can't wait for him to start his next program. Thank God his appointment is first thing tomorrow morning. I'm glad he's home, but in a way I'm not. I was so devasted at first when he went to rehab, but looking back now i realize that I was fine - probably more fine than I've been in a long time while he was gone. In fact, the only times I came unhinged was after having conversations with him that I felt were negative or discouraging. And I had thought that dealing with a 2 year old all by myself was going to make me go nuts. It didn't. I still plan to go the the f2f meeting this week. I know more than ever now that I need it. Thank you for your prayers and for letting me vent it all out. I think this is the hardest thing I've ever been through, and even though it seems like things are about to get so much better, I just can't believe in it yet. One day at a time. It's so much easier than said. Detaching with love, is that the hardest thing in the world to do? I'm trying, that's all I can do at this point.