I would really appreciate some experience, strength and hope.
My husband, the a, got his first DUI on Mon night. He was on his way to get a job in a different state 9 hours away. Well, he can't now, cause he has no license. He has to go back to where he got arrested next Wed to appear in court. Has anyone gone through this process? I would just like to know what to expect.
The good thing is that he is now attending AA. Or at least attended his first one last night, and says he's going to go back. It was so hard for me not to grill him and ask a lot of questions and do his inventory. I asked how it went, if he talked to anyone, and that was about it.
But the 'worse' part is that I do not know what to do with my anger and confusion. I have not felt as if I have been able to think clearly since Tues night, when he came home.
So I guess I am looking for ESH on how to detach with love, and to 'get out of God's way'. I am trying, I am reading my CAL, but I can't seem to get out of this confusion.
Anyone else gone through this?
Maria123 said
Mar 31, 2005
Cah,
I like your title -- worse, that this happened; but better because your A is getting some recovery.
I have not had your particular incident but I have had some success detaching with love from my loved ones (the hardest ones to detach from).
A small reading -- Detachment is key to recovery. It strengthens our healthy relationships -- the ones that we want to grow and flourish. It benefits our difficult relationshipss -- the ones that are teaching us to cope. It helps us. Detachment is not something we do onced. It's a daily behavior we learn in recovery. We continue to practice it along the way as we grow and change and as our relationships grow and change.
We learn to let go of people we love, people we like, and people we don't particularly care for. We separate ourselves and our process from others and their process. We relinquish our tight hold and our need to control in our relationships. We take responsibility for ourselves; we allow others to do the same. We detach with the understanding that "life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others and ourselves." The waylife unfolds is good, even when it hurts. And ultimately, we can benefit from even the most difficult situations. We do this with the understanding that a Power greater than ourselves is in charge and ALL IS WELL. Today, apply the concept of detachment. If you can't let go completely, try to "hang on loosely."
Maria123
abbyal said
Mar 31, 2005
I always prayed my husband would get picked up on a DUI he never did, perhaps this is a blessing in discise, court ordered or not he is in AA and you can bet that when he goes to court he will be order to attend, who knows he may just hear what he needs to hear to change his life around. I don't know why we are always so suprised when they do get picked up , we know they drink and drive believe the lie when they promise they won't . He is only doing what A's do drink . I assume he will get a fine and a court order to attend AA meetings and if he dosent he will soon find out just how serious the courts are , In the US u are much more serious than we are in CAnada , here it is generally considered a joke big deal pay the fine and carry on as usual. Look after yourslf attend meetings for you and above all remember this happened because of what he did= not you. eventually we all pay the concequences for decissions we make.
megan said
Apr 1, 2005
Hi CAH,
My heart goes out to you for this.
I remember reading your post about your A going out of state to get a job and you being unsure that it was the right thing.......
I guess our HP really is in charge.
that said: In 1991 my husband got his first and only DUI. We hired an attorney for $3000. he did the talking in court. My husband had refused the breathalyzer and was quite drunk by the look of the videotape they could have show in court. he got a 6 month license suspension and heavy fines and did not have to attend AA because he had refused the breathalyzer - nice thing from the lawyer huh?
well the lawyer was a waste of $3000. The evidence was clear.
I asked for and obtained a copy of my brothers license and my husband drove with that for 6 months. he was in sales and needed to drive for his job. We bought our first house together in this time.
very scary and risky behaviour and absolutely not recommended. I certainly wish my husband had gone to AA and I had found alanon - how different our lives would be today.
that is just my experience with the DUI process in NJ
Please take care of yourself and your family...
logansrun13 said
Apr 1, 2005
my husband got a dui last summer and has been in AA for 9 months. His dui was his eye opener the judge let him drive but only with a breatherlizer hooked up to his car that he had to blow in to start it if you have alchol on your braeth it will not let you start it then after it starts you have to blow in it every 20 min. Boy every time he drove it remined him of the bottom he was in...I thank that judge for what he did. him with his program and mine with al anon things are much better. Hang in there and remember it is a disease....ONE DAY AT A TIME...
babs said
Apr 1, 2005
I like Maria123's statement that if you can't let go, hang on loosely!
I allow my feelings to come thru, I expess them politely, vent, write them down when I'm angry; but I let them out. They are your feelings, acknowledge them, but don't feed them.
At first I didn't understand this detachment thing. Then when I did, it was so hard to do. How do I let go, detach, & still watch what goes on, or still know what goes on? So I found that if I filled up my life, read CAL LIT; ran; did for myself FIRST; then I would have the strength mentally & physically to do for someone else other than the person with the A. I'd walk the dog with the kids; watch someone else's kids; walk to church; help out the neighbor; whatever. I found out that I no longer had the time nor energy to keep hanging on so tightly. This is how I learned to detach, and I'm still learning each day how to detach. So each day, I benefit, and so does someone else from my daily learning to detach.
bob6502 said
Apr 1, 2005
So glad you recognize that there can be good coming from something as terrible as getting a DUI. My ex-husband talked his way out of a DUI and so we never had to deal with that. I have had bad things happen in my lifetime...horrible things...and everytime it's happened, I realized that something good has come from those experiences. I would never want them to happen again, but I am grateful for the learning opportunities they provided. When God puts up a brick wall in my path to recovery, I can continue to try to push through the brick wall, or I can simply go right or left. I have choices in my recovery of how I react to situations and how I let them affect me. Take care of yourself cah, go to lots of meetings, and very glad you are here. SenoraBob
jessi said
Apr 1, 2005
Hi,
I am glad you choose to share your life here and look for ways to not be a victim to your A's disease today.
Having said that, The only thing I can share about detachment is that it is very difficult for me and something I have to do DAILY with the A's and others in my life. I have a God box which I put slips of paper with my worries written on them into and often mention lots of those I love in my nightly prayers.
My prayers are key in helping me remember that I am not in charge of anyone else's choices, actions, etc. I hand those people to my HP and pray for an open mind and an open heart to do his will, not mine.
Progress, not perfection.
Love and hugs,
Jessi
search41 said
Apr 2, 2005
hi cah...
i am going through this right now, too. my a got his first dui 3 weeks ago tonite. all of us that are familiar with his drinking just can't believe it didnt happen sooner. he got pulled over cuz after bowling he sat in his truck to drink a beer before pulling out, and forgot to turn his lights on. he didnt get pulled over for irratic driving...he got it for no head lights! and he blew a 3.0 blood alcohol!
anyway, here in wisconsin, he got about $1000 in fines, has to pay for his alcohol assessments and classes. he will be ordered to do whatever the assessment people advise. he has court on wed., and will probably get his license revoked for 6 months, but since he drives for a living, will probably get an occupational license and be allowed to drive a certain number of hours per week. he has been strongly advised to get a lawyer for court (mo' money!).
since he's a driver, his company automatically fires anyone that gets a dui. his union is at work trying to get him back to work, but he has to go through the same stuff through work to get back on....alcohol assessment, classes, and do whatever they advise him to do. he will also be subject to random blood tests for the next 5 years.
like others have said, sometimes dui's are a wake up call, sometimes they're not. for my a, so far, it is not. the only way it may help is through all the people he has to talk to about his drinking, and the classes. that part starts tomorrow.
the way i have handled it is, i told him i would be supportive in the beginning. but...he has spent almost every day in the bar for hours on end. it's been like a 3 week weekend. so, there really is no way i can be supportive, cuz he's always either drunk or hungover. so i just keep my distance (or try to..that doesn't always work).
i have watched his disease completely consume him these last 3 weeks. tonite he said to me..."what do you expect? i'm an alcoholic! i'm not working...what do you THINK i'm going to do?" people tell me this all the time, cuz for some reason i keep expecting 'normal'. but hearing HIM say those words tonite, somehow, really had an impact on me. cuz they were soo true..and it just sunk in deeper hearing HIM say them.
people tell me, it will keep getting worse before it gets better. that has been the case for the last several years, and it is moving quickly now. i have had some horrible nights with him through this, but i am just trying to hang in there and get through it, i guess. i spose more mature alanoners would handle it with more serenity than i am. i an not very good at detaching...especially detaching with love. i'm not rescuing, but i sure let him know how angry i am. that's the area i really screw up. but, i AM doing the best i can. i only wish my best were better!
i read something tonite on this board, tho, that said hp is always in control, and itwas a great comfort to me to be reminded of that in this situation.
well, good luck to ya, honey~ and i have to tell ya, it is bitter-sweet to know i'm not alone, and hopefully it is for you, too.
i don't remember what state you are in, but feel free to email me anytime at loralei41@msn.com , k?
hugs to ya~
search41 (lori)
gardengal said
Apr 3, 2005
I feel your pain and in my case I prayed for my A to get caught and as of yet he has not. He still continues to drink and drive, however he has left the family home now for over 2 years. I hope you are going to meetings and staying close to alanon members at this terrifying and trying times. I would pick up the little one page pamphlet on detachment, one which I have read over and over again to regain some sanity, it has tattered corners from the times I have read it. If you dont have it here are some good points you need to remember:
In Alanon we learn:
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people.
Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of anothers recovery
Not to do for others what they could do for themselves
Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills not drink.
Not to cover up for anyones mistakes or misdeeds
Not to create a crisis
Not to prevent a crisis if its in the natural course of events.
I hope this little bit helps, keep strong , this just may be a blessing in disguise,
gardengal
cah said
Apr 3, 2005
Thanks y'all, I really really appreciate the replies and prayers.
Lori, I emailed you.....
Thanks for the reminders, gg, I got another copy at my meeting on Sat and have been reading it. I have been talking to my sponsor every other day, if not every day, and am in contact with Al Anon friends.
My husband met with (I am assuming) his sponsor this morning, and since he isn't going to be able to go to the Wed night meeting like he did last week (he has to be down in the other state for his first court appearance), his sponsor is pickin him up for a meeting tonight. I am trying to stay out of his program, and concentrate on me, but I am praying that his HP is guiding him where he needs to be.
I am still angry, though, and since I was tired last night, I could not hold my tongue and spewed out a bunch of stinking thinking. I still don't know how not to do that, although I do not do it nearly as often as I did before.
Take care all and I hope everyone is having a wonderful Sunday.
I would really appreciate some experience, strength and hope.
My husband, the a, got his first DUI on Mon night. He was on his way to get a job in a different state 9 hours away. Well, he can't now, cause he has no license. He has to go back to where he got arrested next Wed to appear in court. Has anyone gone through this process? I would just like to know what to expect.
The good thing is that he is now attending AA. Or at least attended his first one last night, and says he's going to go back. It was so hard for me not to grill him and ask a lot of questions and do his inventory. I asked how it went, if he talked to anyone, and that was about it.
But the 'worse' part is that I do not know what to do with my anger and confusion. I have not felt as if I have been able to think clearly since Tues night, when he came home.
So I guess I am looking for ESH on how to detach with love, and to 'get out of God's way'. I am trying, I am reading my CAL, but I can't seem to get out of this confusion.
Anyone else gone through this?
Cah,
I like your title -- worse, that this happened; but better because your A is getting some recovery.
I have not had your particular incident but I have had some success detaching with love from my loved ones (the hardest ones to detach from).
A small reading -- Detachment is key to recovery. It strengthens our healthy relationships -- the ones that we want to grow and flourish. It benefits our difficult relationshipss -- the ones that are teaching us to cope. It helps us. Detachment is not something we do onced. It's a daily behavior we learn in recovery. We continue to practice it along the way as we grow and change and as our relationships grow and change.
We learn to let go of people we love, people we like, and people we don't particularly care for. We separate ourselves and our process from others and their process. We relinquish our tight hold and our need to control in our relationships. We take responsibility for ourselves; we allow others to do the same. We detach with the understanding that "life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others and ourselves." The waylife unfolds is good, even when it hurts. And ultimately, we can benefit from even the most difficult situations. We do this with the understanding that a Power greater than ourselves is in charge and ALL IS WELL. Today, apply the concept of detachment. If you can't let go completely, try to "hang on loosely."
Maria123
Hi CAH,
My heart goes out to you for this.
I remember reading your post about your A going out of state to get a job and you being unsure that it was the right thing.......
I guess our HP really is in charge.
that said: In 1991 my husband got his first and only DUI. We hired an attorney for $3000. he did the talking in court. My husband had refused the breathalyzer and was quite drunk by the look of the videotape they could have show in court. he got a 6 month license suspension and heavy fines and did not have to attend AA because he had refused the breathalyzer - nice thing from the lawyer huh?
well the lawyer was a waste of $3000. The evidence was clear.
I asked for and obtained a copy of my brothers license and my husband drove with that for 6 months. he was in sales and needed to drive for his job. We bought our first house together in this time.
very scary and risky behaviour and absolutely not recommended. I certainly wish my husband had gone to AA and I had found alanon - how different our lives would be today.
that is just my experience with the DUI process in NJ
Please take care of yourself and your family...
I like Maria123's statement that if you can't let go, hang on loosely!
I allow my feelings to come thru, I expess them politely, vent, write them down when I'm angry; but I let them out. They are your feelings, acknowledge them, but don't feed them.
At first I didn't understand this detachment thing. Then when I did, it was so hard to do. How do I let go, detach, & still watch what goes on, or still know what goes on? So I found that if I filled up my life, read CAL LIT; ran; did for myself FIRST; then I would have the strength mentally & physically to do for someone else other than the person with the A. I'd walk the dog with the kids; watch someone else's kids; walk to church; help out the neighbor; whatever. I found out that I no longer had the time nor energy to keep hanging on so tightly. This is how I learned to detach, and I'm still learning each day how to detach. So each day, I benefit, and so does someone else from my daily learning to detach.
So glad you recognize that there can be good coming from something as terrible as getting a DUI. My ex-husband talked his way out of a DUI and so we never had to deal with that. I have had bad things happen in my lifetime...horrible things...and everytime it's happened, I realized that something good has come from those experiences. I would never want them to happen again, but I am grateful for the learning opportunities they provided. When God puts up a brick wall in my path to recovery, I can continue to try to push through the brick wall, or I can simply go right or left. I have choices in my recovery of how I react to situations and how I let them affect me. Take care of yourself cah, go to lots of meetings, and very glad you are here. SenoraBob
hi cah...
i am going through this right now, too. my a got his first dui 3 weeks ago tonite. all of us that are familiar with his drinking just can't believe it didnt happen sooner. he got pulled over cuz after bowling he sat in his truck to drink a beer before pulling out, and forgot to turn his lights on. he didnt get pulled over for irratic driving...he got it for no head lights! and he blew a 3.0 blood alcohol!
anyway, here in wisconsin, he got about $1000 in fines, has to pay for his alcohol assessments and classes. he will be ordered to do whatever the assessment people advise. he has court on wed., and will probably get his license revoked for 6 months, but since he drives for a living, will probably get an occupational license and be allowed to drive a certain number of hours per week. he has been strongly advised to get a lawyer for court (mo' money!).
since he's a driver, his company automatically fires anyone that gets a dui. his union is at work trying to get him back to work, but he has to go through the same stuff through work to get back on....alcohol assessment, classes, and do whatever they advise him to do. he will also be subject to random blood tests for the next 5 years.
like others have said, sometimes dui's are a wake up call, sometimes they're not. for my a, so far, it is not. the only way it may help is through all the people he has to talk to about his drinking, and the classes. that part starts tomorrow.
the way i have handled it is, i told him i would be supportive in the beginning. but...he has spent almost every day in the bar for hours on end. it's been like a 3 week weekend. so, there really is no way i can be supportive, cuz he's always either drunk or hungover. so i just keep my distance (or try to..that doesn't always work).
i have watched his disease completely consume him these last 3 weeks. tonite he said to me..."what do you expect? i'm an alcoholic! i'm not working...what do you THINK i'm going to do?" people tell me this all the time, cuz for some reason i keep expecting 'normal'. but hearing HIM say those words tonite, somehow, really had an impact on me. cuz they were soo true..and it just sunk in deeper hearing HIM say them.
people tell me, it will keep getting worse before it gets better. that has been the case for the last several years, and it is moving quickly now. i have had some horrible nights with him through this, but i am just trying to hang in there and get through it, i guess. i spose more mature alanoners would handle it with more serenity than i am. i an not very good at detaching...especially detaching with love. i'm not rescuing, but i sure let him know how angry i am. that's the area i really screw up. but, i AM doing the best i can. i only wish my best were better!
i read something tonite on this board, tho, that said hp is always in control, and itwas a great comfort to me to be reminded of that in this situation.
well, good luck to ya, honey~ and i have to tell ya, it is bitter-sweet to know i'm not alone, and hopefully it is for you, too.
i don't remember what state you are in, but feel free to email me anytime at loralei41@msn.com , k?
hugs to ya~
search41 (lori)
I feel your pain and in my case I prayed for my A to get caught and as of yet he has not. He still continues to drink and drive, however he has left the family home now for over 2 years. I hope you are going to meetings and staying close to alanon members at this terrifying and trying times. I would pick up the little one page pamphlet on detachment, one which I have read over and over again to regain some sanity, it has tattered corners from the times I have read it. If you dont have it here are some good points you need to remember:
In Alanon we learn:
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people.
Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of anothers recovery
Not to do for others what they could do for themselves
Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills not drink.
Not to cover up for anyones mistakes or misdeeds
Not to create a crisis
Not to prevent a crisis if its in the natural course of events.
I hope this little bit helps, keep strong , this just may be a blessing in disguise,
gardengal
Thanks y'all, I really really appreciate the replies and prayers.
Lori, I emailed you.....
Thanks for the reminders, gg, I got another copy at my meeting on Sat and have been reading it. I have been talking to my sponsor every other day, if not every day, and am in contact with Al Anon friends.
My husband met with (I am assuming) his sponsor this morning, and since he isn't going to be able to go to the Wed night meeting like he did last week (he has to be down in the other state for his first court appearance), his sponsor is pickin him up for a meeting tonight. I am trying to stay out of his program, and concentrate on me, but I am praying that his HP is guiding him where he needs to be.
I am still angry, though, and since I was tired last night, I could not hold my tongue and spewed out a bunch of stinking thinking. I still don't know how not to do that, although I do not do it nearly as often as I did before.
Take care all and I hope everyone is having a wonderful Sunday.