man! i am so thrilled at all the support i received in all of your posts! thank you all soo much.
first, i HAVE checked our local meetings, and they frown on children, at least children my son's age(6), being in meetings,and to be honest, i don't want him sitting in these meetings hearing everyone bearing their hearts either. he's too young to know what to do with that kind of info.
yes, i used to attend the online meetings all the time, but my a was always right next to me on the couch bitching at me the whole time while i was on the comp. that is why i stopped.
it just seems to me that so many of the solutions that work for others just don't work here. leaving the room, locking myself in another room, leaving the house, calmly telling him i'm sorry he feels that way...all of them...they backfire. whatever i do trying to get away from him..he just goes nuts. when i just get silent...to him it's just a license to GET IT ALL OFF HIS CHEST, and he goes on for hours! even tho i don't say ANYTHING! and i'm tellin' ya, even tho i try to put a shell around my heart when he's ripping away...it's very exhausting, very hard, and still hurts really really bad. if i go to bed, he just comes in there and harasses the hell out of me untill i have to get up and leave the room, and then i end up being up half the night cuz i'm so worked up.
dot, you hit the nail on the head. that is exactly how it is with me. i DO have times where i'm ok with my life and can let his crap roll off my back. those are great days. i know i'm ok, i know he's ill, and it doesn't get to me. but since he's off work right now, if a disease can progress 10 fold in a matter of days...it's happening here. i have never seen him this driven before. he's always been driven to drink and be in the bars and gamble, but it's way way worse now. "he's stressed!" but according to him, "i have it made".
i try not to have expectations, but some stubborn thing in me keeps wanting him to be how i want him to be! so i always end up getting blown out of the water when he disappoints me. i feel sooo stupid expecting anything, and then getting hurt when he doesn't meet my expectations, cuz i KNOW better, but i still keep doing it, time and time again.
this has not at all been a wake up call for him, he still drives around with beer in his mug and more beer right next to him to refill the mug when it's empty. he still sits in the bars for hours a day, and drives home. i am beginning to think that he will never stop untill he is six feet under.
anyway, i kinda feel like i'm rambling now, but it just feels good to type type type...whatever comes...ya know?
i thank you with all my heart for your prayers. there is nothing more meaningful to me, and more powerful for my situation, than others lifting us up to hp. no way one can fail when they are being presented to hp, huh?
well, since i'm on the comp, even tho a is having his occassional "bursts" at me...i'm gonna check out the meeting. thank you all sooo much for your encouragement and support!!! it has helped so much!
love,
search41
TLC2 said
Mar 28, 2005
Hi Search,
I'm sooo sorry you are going through such a hard time right now. I haven't been able to come on here for awhile, so am just catching up this a.m. One thing I noticed was that no-one suggested you might find a place where you could drop your son off once a week so you could go to a meeting? Maybe that could be a start? You would know he was being looked after in a safe place, and you could relax. I know it could be hard picking him up after 9pm, but I really think you need to get away from it all, and what better place than to a meeting?
Just a thought, thinking of you and praying for you to somehow find a little serenity in this crazy mixed up world you're in right now.
A friend in Alanon, TLC
luv123 said
Mar 28, 2005
That was a power packed post full of feeling and healing and hope for how you want to see the a and yourself. Thnaks you for your honesty. You will continue to grow strong thru these posts and meetings and literature and practice.. remember 2 b gentle withyourself. It took years to walk into these woods and will take years to walk out...but we feel the healing & hope the minute we start upon the al-anon path.
take care and be good to you,
Luv
babs said
Mar 28, 2005
I am sorry about the misunderstanding. The meetings I've heard of place the children in another room, with a monitor, so they don't have to hear what's going on. Of course, there may or may not be those type in your area, but you could ask, or even suggest. I don't know how they do it here, I've just heard about it. Maybe they all take turns monitoring, I don't know, but I'm sorry for the confusion.
dogscribe said
Mar 28, 2005
Search41 - I know exactly how you feel. Yes - it's the exact same way for me. I can't leave the room he just yells and follows, I can't leave the houe because, although I don't have children, I have 2 dogs that are like children to me. I know how you feel when you just have to sit there and not say anything and listen to all his "stuff" and all the verbal abuse. Oh God, do I know.
I honestly do not know if I can tell you anything that will make it better. I just sit and take it because I don't know what else to do and it's the "safest" thing to do.
Just know that you are not alone and I hope that little bit helps you retain your sanity.
man! i am so thrilled at all the support i received in all of your posts! thank you all soo much.
first, i HAVE checked our local meetings, and they frown on children, at least children my son's age(6), being in meetings,and to be honest, i don't want him sitting in these meetings hearing everyone bearing their hearts either. he's too young to know what to do with that kind of info.
yes, i used to attend the online meetings all the time, but my a was always right next to me on the couch bitching at me the whole time while i was on the comp. that is why i stopped.
it just seems to me that so many of the solutions that work for others just don't work here. leaving the room, locking myself in another room, leaving the house, calmly telling him i'm sorry he feels that way...all of them...they backfire. whatever i do trying to get away from him..he just goes nuts. when i just get silent...to him it's just a license to GET IT ALL OFF HIS CHEST, and he goes on for hours! even tho i don't say ANYTHING! and i'm tellin' ya, even tho i try to put a shell around my heart when he's ripping away...it's very exhausting, very hard, and still hurts really really bad. if i go to bed, he just comes in there and harasses the hell out of me untill i have to get up and leave the room, and then i end up being up half the night cuz i'm so worked up.
dot, you hit the nail on the head. that is exactly how it is with me. i DO have times where i'm ok with my life and can let his crap roll off my back. those are great days. i know i'm ok, i know he's ill, and it doesn't get to me. but since he's off work right now, if a disease can progress 10 fold in a matter of days...it's happening here. i have never seen him this driven before. he's always been driven to drink and be in the bars and gamble, but it's way way worse now. "he's stressed!" but according to him, "i have it made".
i try not to have expectations, but some stubborn thing in me keeps wanting him to be how i want him to be! so i always end up getting blown out of the water when he disappoints me. i feel sooo stupid expecting anything, and then getting hurt when he doesn't meet my expectations, cuz i KNOW better, but i still keep doing it, time and time again.
this has not at all been a wake up call for him, he still drives around with beer in his mug and more beer right next to him to refill the mug when it's empty. he still sits in the bars for hours a day, and drives home. i am beginning to think that he will never stop untill he is six feet under.
anyway, i kinda feel like i'm rambling now, but it just feels good to type type type...whatever comes...ya know?
i thank you with all my heart for your prayers. there is nothing more meaningful to me, and more powerful for my situation, than others lifting us up to hp. no way one can fail when they are being presented to hp, huh?
well, since i'm on the comp, even tho a is having his occassional "bursts" at me...i'm gonna check out the meeting. thank you all sooo much for your encouragement and support!!! it has helped so much!
love,
search41
Hi Search,
I'm sooo sorry you are going through such a hard time right now. I haven't been able to come on here for awhile, so am just catching up this a.m. One thing I noticed was that no-one suggested you might find a place where you could drop your son off once a week so you could go to a meeting? Maybe that could be a start? You would know he was being looked after in a safe place, and you could relax. I know it could be hard picking him up after 9pm, but I really think you need to get away from it all, and what better place than to a meeting?
Just a thought, thinking of you and praying for you to somehow find a little serenity in this crazy mixed up world you're in right now.
A friend in Alanon, TLC
That was a power packed post full of feeling and healing and hope for how you want to see the a and yourself. Thnaks you for your honesty. You will continue to grow strong thru these posts and meetings and literature and practice.. remember 2 b gentle withyourself. It took years to walk into these woods and will take years to walk out...but we feel the healing & hope the minute we start upon the al-anon path.
take care and be good to you,
Luv
Search41 - I know exactly how you feel. Yes - it's the exact same way for me. I can't leave the room he just yells and follows, I can't leave the houe because, although I don't have children, I have 2 dogs that are like children to me. I know how you feel when you just have to sit there and not say anything and listen to all his "stuff" and all the verbal abuse. Oh God, do I know.
I honestly do not know if I can tell you anything that will make it better. I just sit and take it because I don't know what else to do and it's the "safest" thing to do.
Just know that you are not alone and I hope that little bit helps you retain your sanity.