I would like some suggestions about talking to an alcoholic and whether it's wrong to tell him how you feel about things he's done and what you are tired of. Does saying things mean that there's something wrong with you, like you're nuts or psycho? I get told that when I say anything to him after he drinks. And sometimes I wonder if I should just shut up and keep it all inside of me. But, then I tried that before and ended up very alone and depressed, and I didn't like myself. I don't want to end up that way again. So, I'm stuck with not knowing what to do or which way to turn. If I do say things he sometimes tells me to leave and go find someone else to support me. It's like in a way, he wants me to do that; especially the find someone else part. I don't know if that's because he wants to have something to be mad at me about or if he really wants me gone, even though he tells me that he loves me and wants to stay married to me. I don't know maybe he has a guilty conscience about him and someone else. This is all so confusing, depressing, frustrating, and maddening. Please any suggestions let me know.

micheagle

For four years before I found Al-Anon, my hubby would drink, I would get upset, he'd become nasty, I would either totally ignore him in anger or would yell back.  The next day I'd still be upset, he'd say "whats wrong with you?" (not understanding why I woke up in an upset mood) and I would tell him all the things he said the night before when he was drunk, how he acted, how hurtful it is to be called a B, to be told "I want a divorce!", and so on and so on.  His response would either be to deny he'd said those things ("you're just saying that to make me feel bad, I know I didn't say that!") or to apologize and say he didn't mean it.  This pattern repeated itself over and over.  We both got sicker and sicker.

I was expecting that if I had a rational (reasoning) talk with him, that he would rationally (reasonably) change his behavior.  I was expecting him to be able to be rational/reasonable. 

I finally came to Al-Anon.  I learned about the disease of Alcoholism.  I learned how talking to a drunk is like talking to a wall.  I learned how my own thinking got distorted.  I learned how alcohol affects his mind as well.  I learned that the things he was screaming at me, was mostly how he felt about himself.  I learned that how I reacted to him could and did "feed" the disease, make it worse.  I learned to detach with love, to separate the man from the disease.  I learned to set some boundaries for myself so that I would not get drawn back into the verbal arguments and abuse.  I learned that I had allowed a lot of unacceptable behavior, a lot of which was my own behavior.  I learned to focus on myself and how I behaved, what I said, what I felt - rather than focusing on him and trying to change him.  My job to change me with my HP's help.  His job to change himself with his HP's help.  I learned if I was looking at him and saying "you need to do this..." that I was taking his inventory, and that's NOT my job to do, not my business.  I don't own him any more than he owns me.  We're in a partnership, not an ownership.  My business is to mind my side of the partnership as best I can. I learned that my expectations set me up for resentments.  To expect that an alcoholic can think rationally/ reasonably - ha! Silly me.  Alcohol dulls the senses, alcohol makes people act the fool - why was I expecting his mind not to be affected?  He has an illness, a disease.  I "caught" a part of that disease by reacting to it.  I got Distorted Thinking also, along with Crazy Behavior.  Al-Anon is helping me to recover.  Al-Anon is helping me to change my own attitudes.  "Changed attitudes can aid recovery."  Not just ours, but theirs too.  I see the truth of that working in my life today. 

So my suggestion? Keep coming back! Work the program. Get a sponsor. Work the steps. Study them in-depth.  Not just the Steps, but Traditions too.  Read as much literature as you can.  For communication, I just read The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage and it is great!!  I personally feel that book along with How Alanon Works and Paths to Recovery are a must in one's library. 

Talking about how you feel does NOT make you "nuts" or "psycho", but I feel the place to talk about that is here with others who understand.  I feel telling an active A those things is pretty much a waste of breath, especially without a good grounding in Al-Anon first.  I talk "program talk" to/with my hubby now, and those conversations are good ones.  There is no blaming, no anger, when we have those conversations.  If I am feeling out of control of my own emotions, I get myself into the chat room to vent and get help with an attitude adjustment, to be reminded of what I can change and what I cannot change.  I've been with Al-Anon since November 1st, 2003 - and life is much better for us today.  it works if you work it!!  Keep coming back!!

Luv, Kis

Hello Mish , you can talk to the A if u like but it is usually a waste of your time and is very frustrating for you, because nothing ever changes. Unfortunatley because of some one elses drinking we do go a little nuts , but Al-Anon will help with that, I hope u are attending meetings f2f for yourself, there is nothing u can do about him but alot u can do for yourself. Al-Anon people understand you and how u are feeling most have been where your at and they can help u get thru . You need support and u will find that in Al-Anon.

He will never understand how u feel as he just dosent see how his drinking is bothering other people, and u will never truly understand why he needs to drink. Drinking has nothing to do with not loving you or your family, this is a disease and at the moment it is running his life, but u don't h ave to let it run yours. Love won't cure alcoholism either,this is not your problem to fix so leave it with him ,while u get your life back on track. 

Good luck Louise

Hi

 

Welcome to alanon. This is the place for people who are troubled by someone elses drinking and it sounds like you are.

There are some good suggestions here.It is very important to attend meeting face to face as suggested.

Also reading is good. The library has plenty of books on living with an alcohilic.

I have found the "getting them sober" books helpful.

The irony is we cannot get them sober.

that is something they must do for themselves.

Take care of yourself. alanon is for us to get better.

Hello micheagle,

You have gotten some great replies so far! I, for one, come to this message board or chatroom and work out my feelings first. Then, I am able to decide what and how I am going to say things to my alcoholic daughter. I find that when I don't pre-think things first, I end up back into some old very uhealthy behaviors. I also end up letting the alcoholic's behavior or words hurt me when we can change in alanon and not them do this to us anymore. Keep coming back. your friend in recovery, cdb :)

Hi micheagle - Are you by any chance from Mich? I'm in East Tawas on Lake Huron. Living with an a without Al-Anon can be very frutrating and hurtful. I began to feel like I was the crazy one - and I was. The a had an excuse - he had a disease and was often drunk. I was sober and sometimes acted crazier than he did. You've had some very good suggestions on here. I agree with them all and strongly add my suggestion for f2f meetings and a sponsor to help you with the steps. There is hope and life will get better whether the a is drinking or not. You are important to us so keep coming back. Love in recovery - Dot (((((((((((micheagle)))))))))))