Okay I was ready to talk. I was tired of the secret.
i went to the NYC car show with my family yesterday and I told them about my husbands alcoholism.
And alanon. And how I was working on myself.
they said that my brother was an alcoholic and they blamed his wife - nice.
Then I explained that she had absolutely no control over him and that it was a diease like cancer.
I then sent this morning the email i had drafted some time ago to let everyone know.
My sister wrote back thank you for letting everyone know I did not like to have the secret just myself.... interesting.
both replies to my email so far have been encouraging.
I sit here at work (its closed I am alone, library closed) with tears streaming down my face from the relief of it all
Thanks to my online family for listening
megan
below is the email for anyone who wants to read it or missed it in my original post on isolation
isolation
I am what I consider to be a very private person. I was raised in a home where you were TOLD not to discuss family business with outsiders.
That is still very dominant in my thinking.
But overtaking this is my pain. So I became sick and tired last July of the pain from living with an alcoholic husband and all of the tomfoolery and insanity involved in such an endeavor.
I searched around and found out about alanon and my life became better. My pain lessened. I learned tools for my toolset of how to deal with alcoholism.
I am working on my self and my personal issues and failings.
I am working on becoming less isolated.
I know we grew up with a "don't air your dirty laundry" type home.
Why the email? Just thought that you should know. Sometimes when I don't go to gatherings etc it is because of the issues that I have in dealing with things.
I am working on improving this.
"Bill" quit drinking for 5 months last year and things were much better in my life.
But alas, he is back at it. Trying to stop, start, failing , succeeding.
If you don't know about alanon it is a group of people who get together and talk about their life. It is really a big self-improvment project for yourself. They teach you that legally, morally and ethically there is nothing that YOU can do to help the alcoholic. But you can and SHOULD work on yourself
So this year I am working on myself.
My work review was given to me last Thursday. I got an outstanding.We are all graded on a bell curve and there were only 2 out of over 600 people.
I will like to up my score in my personal life.
So I send this email out just as an FYI.
There is nothing to fix, I am fixing what I can myself.
"Bills"'s recovery if it is to happen is his to decide.
abbyal said
Mar 27, 2005
Hello Megan, well done that will explain alot about your behavior . him they probably already figured out that he had a problem. I found it better to not tell family about what he was doing. you kow the nitty gritty stuff , talk to al anons they understand you and keep thieri mouths shut. When I told my parents what was going on my dad says to me well now everything makes sence. sheeeeesh go figure.
It is hard enough for the A should they ever seek sobriety to be around family with out us telling them all about what he is doing. when we step aside and allow them to be responsible for thier own behavior , and let them clean p thier own messes everyone will understand what is going on and we n o longer need to explain or cover up thier actions yu will find it easier to be around your family again. no more secrets. and t hat is a gift. one of many u will find in our program. Sounds like your doing fine , keep on focusing on yourself and change what u can let the rest go and your life just keeps getting better.
Good luck Louise
kismetstrand said
Mar 27, 2005
(((((((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))))))) to you Megan! I've heard here in Al-Anon that we are only as sick as our secrets. What a big step you took!! So happy for you! Thank you so much for sharing with us.
Luv, Kis
megan said
Mar 27, 2005
Hi thanks for the hugs I sure do need them. Keep the nitty gritty stuff from them. I sure agree and will keep this in mind.
This board, my face to face meetings and the chat have been wonderful outlets to deal with the nitty gritty miasma of life with an alcohilc
Thank you all for being here
cdb said
Mar 27, 2005
Hello megan
Thanks for sharing your email and your situation. What a brave thing to do to take that risk. I am so happy you are getting encouragement back. I agree too that person needs to choose what to share and what not to share. Even though people care, if they do not truly understand all the behaviors, etc. that go along with the alcoholic like alanon people do, how can they truly understand all the dynamics. I have found to put out little tests or feelers with people once in awhile,,like a one topic conversation to see how much they know, if they feel comfortable with the topic or conversation, etc. I have learned to do this with my depression and chronic health issue. Some people can be understanding and compassionate and for some reason some are not able to be and may never be a support. We need to test out people and find out which ones are safe to talk with and share. The other people can still be friends but I set up boundaries to not discuss my health or my daughter's alcoholism with them but other things we have in common. This becomes healthy boundaries for my own recovery. Just a tip that Has worked for me. I have also found that when people feel very uncomfortable and do not want to talk about certain things it may be because the topic or situation is too close to their own lives or their own so-called stuff.
Congratulations on taking such a risk and working your program! cdb :)
dot said
Mar 27, 2005
Hi Mega - Good for you - that took a lot of courage,
Al-Anon gave me the courage to go to family functions alone without offering an explanation and my family accepted it. I also was able to have them in our home and not feel it necessary to apologize for the a when he was drunk.
Lots of love and hugs - Dot
megan said
Mar 28, 2005
Thanks CDB
Know your audience is a good one. I am definetly not carpet bombing the replies to my email, just answering them as I can....
I have received a wide range of ESH from my family.
Some are oddly silent. But that's okay too.
Thanks Dot for the kind words.
I have started (at Thanksgiving) going to family functions alone and was tired of giving the "he's sick" excuse even if in a way it was true
Okay I was ready to talk. I was tired of the secret.
i went to the NYC car show with my family yesterday and I told them about my husbands alcoholism.
And alanon. And how I was working on myself.
they said that my brother was an alcoholic and they blamed his wife - nice.
Then I explained that she had absolutely no control over him and that it was a diease like cancer.
I then sent this morning the email i had drafted some time ago to let everyone know.
My sister wrote back thank you for letting everyone know I did not like to have the secret just myself.... interesting.
both replies to my email so far have been encouraging.
I sit here at work (its closed I am alone, library closed) with tears streaming down my face from the relief of it all
Thanks to my online family for listening
megan
below is the email for anyone who wants to read it or missed it in my original post on isolation
isolation
I am what I consider to be a very private person. I was raised in a home where you were TOLD not to discuss family business with outsiders.
That is still very dominant in my thinking.
But overtaking this is my pain. So I became sick and tired last July of the pain from living with an alcoholic husband and all of the tomfoolery and insanity involved in such an endeavor.
I searched around and found out about alanon and my life became better. My pain lessened. I learned tools for my toolset of how to deal with alcoholism.
I am working on my self and my personal issues and failings.
I am working on becoming less isolated.
I know we grew up with a "don't air your dirty laundry" type home.
Why the email? Just thought that you should know. Sometimes when I don't go to gatherings etc it is because of the issues that I have in dealing with things.
I am working on improving this.
"Bill" quit drinking for 5 months last year and things were much better in my life.
But alas, he is back at it. Trying to stop, start, failing , succeeding.
If you don't know about alanon it is a group of people who get together and talk about their life. It is really a big self-improvment project for yourself. They teach you that legally, morally and ethically there is nothing that YOU can do to help the alcoholic. But you can and SHOULD work on yourself
So this year I am working on myself.
My work review was given to me last Thursday. I got an outstanding.We are all graded on a bell curve and there were only 2 out of over 600 people.
I will like to up my score in my personal life.
So I send this email out just as an FYI.
There is nothing to fix, I am fixing what I can myself.
"Bills"'s recovery if it is to happen is his to decide.
Hello Megan, well done that will explain alot about your behavior . him they probably already figured out that he had a problem. I found it better to not tell family about what he was doing. you kow the nitty gritty stuff , talk to al anons they understand you and keep thieri mouths shut. When I told my parents what was going on my dad says to me well now everything makes sence. sheeeeesh go figure.
It is hard enough for the A should they ever seek sobriety to be around family with out us telling them all about what he is doing. when we step aside and allow them to be responsible for thier own behavior , and let them clean p thier own messes everyone will understand what is going on and we n o longer need to explain or cover up thier actions yu will find it easier to be around your family again. no more secrets. and t hat is a gift. one of many u will find in our program. Sounds like your doing fine , keep on focusing on yourself and change what u can let the rest go and your life just keeps getting better.
Good luck Louise
(((((((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))))))) to you Megan! I've heard here in Al-Anon that we are only as sick as our secrets. What a big step you took!! So happy for you! Thank you so much for sharing with us.
Luv, Kis
Hi thanks for the hugs I sure do need them.
Keep the nitty gritty stuff from them. I sure agree and will keep this in mind.
This board, my face to face meetings and the chat have been wonderful outlets to deal with the nitty gritty miasma of life with an alcohilc
Thank you all for being here
Hello megan
Thanks for sharing your email and your situation. What a brave thing to do to take that risk. I am so happy you are getting encouragement back. I agree too that person needs to choose what to share and what not to share. Even though people care, if they do not truly understand all the behaviors, etc. that go along with the alcoholic like alanon people do, how can they truly understand all the dynamics. I have found to put out little tests or feelers with people once in awhile,,like a one topic conversation to see how much they know, if they feel comfortable with the topic or conversation, etc. I have learned to do this with my depression and chronic health issue. Some people can be understanding and compassionate and for some reason some are not able to be and may never be a support. We need to test out people and find out which ones are safe to talk with and share. The other people can still be friends but I set up boundaries to not discuss my health or my daughter's alcoholism with them but other things we have in common. This becomes healthy boundaries for my own recovery. Just a tip that Has worked for me. I have also found that when people feel very uncomfortable and do not want to talk about certain things it may be because the topic or situation is too close to their own lives or their own so-called stuff.
Congratulations on taking such a risk and working your program! cdb :)
Thanks CDB
Know your audience is a good one. I am definetly not carpet bombing the replies to my email, just answering them as I can....
I have received a wide range of ESH from my family.
Some are oddly silent. But that's okay too.
Thanks Dot for the kind words.
I have started (at Thanksgiving) going to family functions alone and was tired of giving the "he's sick" excuse even if in a way it was true