Hey friends...(the few of you whose names i even recognize anymore, plus all the newcomers!)

I am getting a crash course education in "no expectations" the last 2 weeks.  but i'm not "responding" all too well.  i'm reacting, and very hurt and very angry.

my A husband got his first drunk driving ticket two weeks ago, and his job automatically immediately fires anyone that gets a dwi (he's a delivery driver for UPS), until they go through a bunch of stuff they require, then they get their job back.  i would NOT go pick him up from the police station, and as a last resort, an hour and a half later, he finally called his parents, and BINGO...they went and picked him up and brought him home!  grrr!   sooo..he's been off work for two weeks now.  basically all he does is sit in the family room half the morning, drinking coffee and watching tv, switches to beer way before noon, leaves for the bar, comes home 4-6 hours later...trashed and challenging.  this is what he always does on weekends, but now it is way worse.  he had an alcohol assessment meeting last week, and the person he talked to just fed his justifications for drinking.  so now, his new excuse is, "i can't quit drinking cold turkey...it would kill me."....and...."i can't help it...i'm driven by this disease."  

i work part time a few days a week, and juggle my hours so i can pick our son up from school by 2:20 pm.  i havent even ASKED my a to pick him up, since he starts drinking way before noon.  but every single day that he's not been working, at the time of day our son needs to be picked up...he's sitting at the bar.  i'm rushing and rushing to get my work done to pick our son up on time, all the while my a is just sitting at the bar getting trashed.  that's why i say...i have no expectations...cuz i KNOW my a can't/won't pick him up...but on the other hand...it's burning me up that this is how it is.  the disease is in complete control more than ever, and i know this, but my emotions about it keep tripping me up.  i am sooo angry and am being a major "b" to him.  my head wants to be understanding and supportive...but then, i feel that he has chosen his support people....at the bar.  and then when he finally stumbles through the door, he tells me "not to be mad at him"  "he doesnt mean to hurt me" and "my own wife isnt even supporting me", and on and on.  i try to just stay away from him, but most of the time even that doesn't work, cuz he just follows me all around, ripping on me and telling me how useless i am.  if i lock myself in the bedroom, he really freaks out.  that actually makes it worse if i lock myself away.  and EVERY morning he says,"you know i didn't mean it", "i'm over-stressed", blah blah.  then the same thing happens again that night.

i HAVE chosen to stay with him, so i am basically writing for support and encouragement.  he will be off work a while yet, and i want so badly to handle it the way my head tells me to.  but i just can't seem to do it.  i get so mad!  he's blowing hundreds and hundreds of dollars drinking and gambling.  i keep trying to give it go God, praying the serenity prayer over and over, but still cannot be nice to him when he finally comes home.  i cant STAND him when he's drunk.  he's like a little child.  worse, actually.  i don't go to f2f because i have no one to watch our son.  there is no child care here, and meetings are at 7..  son's bedtime is 8 (he's in kindergarten).  i can't count on my a to watch him, and can't bring anyone in and leave them here with my son and drunk husband. 

so, as i said, i am writing for a good dose of support and encouragement. its such an oxy-moron, cuz when he's at the bar, everything functions at home smoothly and on course, so i love him NOT being here, altho i HATE where he is and what he's doing.  and i DREAD the moment he comes home, because as soon as he walks in the door...all chaos comes in with him.  yet the longer he's at the bar...the madder i get.  but yet hope he doesn't come home!  talk about "crazy making!"  bedtime is the most stressful time at our house, cuz he's drunk by then and just exasperates our son and me. 

anyway, i just needed to write and vent.  i know i have much to learn in handling this and finding serenity, in spite of what he does or doesn't do.  i DO trust my hp that he will take care of us, but the emotions i am going through get a bit overwhelming at times. 

i thank anyone who reads this and has a response for me!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,

The courage to change the things i can,

And the WISDOM to know the difference!

thanks friends!

search41

 

 

Hello Search 41,

I hear your pain, frustration, anger, etc. My husband is not my alcoholic so I will, like you, wait for replies too. You can also do a search here for past posts and replies about situations like yours. It is late and I am off to be and just happened to peak here now. I am glad I did because I am going to say prayers for you and your son,,,and will do that tomorrow too. Hang in until you get more replies. One hour or one day at a time. Try to come to the meetings here too. They really motivate me and it helps to be able share there too. ((((((((supportive hugs)))))))) cdb,,

thank you so much, cdb, for taking the time to write a quick reply, and for your prayers.  i already feel comforted knowing that!  it was very kind of you to take time when you were on your way to bed....to write me your encouraging reply!  THANKS!~

search41

Dear Search,

   I am sorry things are so awful for you right now.  Detaching must be very hard if your A is following you around the house.  I would suggest you read as much alanon literature as you can.  Keep saying the serenity parayer and most important take care of you.  That could even be taking a bubble bath when your A is out of the house.  Although you can't get to f2f meetings now, come to chat and on-line meetings. It will help you to gegain your sanity.  Hope to see you there.

 

                                      Yours in recovery,

                                      Danz

First check out your local f2f; they may not state it; but if you ask they may have babysitting.  In my area, people here too, have children & can't get away.  One meeting a person asked to bring a small child, it wasn't a babysitting meeting, but it was allowed.  So ask!  I've found a nice quiet place to be the library, where you can bring your child.  You could help you child or read while your child works.  It's a nice get away where you can meditate or read or work.  Plus you could look up CAL approved literature there.  I've found it at the library.  Most of the time I had to have one library order it from another library, ya know the books.     I am sorry for your pain, but please try something different, especially for yourself. 

Hi search - I forgot to sign off yesterday so didn't see your post until now. I remember the same feelings you're having when the a got worse. Even though I was AWARE that I was reacting I still couldn't stop myself. It took time, reading my liturature, talking to other al-anons, sometimes removing myself and when all else failed - asking for help from my Higher Power. That help didn't come all at once but for short periods I was able to ACCEPT the situation and when I did I felt better. I slowly began to realize what ACTION I did helped me to accept my situaton and allow me to let go of the a and give him to my Higher Power. The short periods of serenity became longer. The heartache never got less but the anger and resentment lessened. Somewhere in ouir liturature it says an expectation is a resentment waiting to happen. How true that was for me. My expectations got less but I always hoped thiongs would be different. You'll be ok - It just takes that four letter word TIME and practice. My thought and prayers are with you. Feel free to email me anytime. Lots of love and hugs - Dot ((((((((((((search 41)))))))))))) Dot48730@webtv.net

If it is at all, possible, I would urge you to get to the online meetings here.  They are a great source of support for a lot of people.  There's one almost every morning & evening at 9 o'clock.

Good Luck :)

Catherine

 

good morning Search,

Just finished reading your post and it really stirred some powerful emotions in me.  I too am in this "angry" phase right now, when he's off drinking I find myself wishing he will never come home.  I know it's wrong, but he causes so much pain that sometimes I find myself wishing he would die.  I know how unhealthy that is, and I am working on that.  I have often wondered what my A will do when he too screws up and loses his job to alcoholism, you would think it would make them hit bottom, and it sounds like your A needs to go a lot further than that to hit his bottom.  I hope you have some family support/friend support somewhere close by, a refuge for you and your son.  Please come in to chat too, when you can. 

Know that you will get through this, and that we are all behind you. This group/program is a lifeline that I have clung to for many years, and pulled myself back up to the surface with.

Like you, I have chosen to stay...for now...but I cannot predict the future and I pray that if things become too intolerable (or abusive),  I will find the courage to leave.  Just my 2 cents worth, but I hope you find the support of others helpful.

 

Bonnie

Hi search41,

 

i feel your pain. My A was fired 3 years ago (from a company that soon went out of business. he made a very good living for us.

Since then he started his own business but frank to much and now he says he is "retired" At 46.

can we afford to have him retired - sure - I have a very good job and he was a "saver" we have the money from the sale of the house.

I LOVE to work. As one of my alanon friends said "it is a vacation" from the chaos of home.

My A drinks 24/7. Drinks gets drunk passes out and repeats the cycle. He drinks at home. he laves the house to shop and pick up food and booze. Sometimes he is sober and we go out to dinner (rare)

the online meetings here are fantastic. They really help you when you share your feelings.

Since your child is so young you  can probably bring him to the meetings. I have seen it done.

Just ask and so what if they say no - they will probably say yes or have a solution to help with childcare.

i am reading the :getting them sober books" over and over. Give them a tty

Lots of helpful practical information

 

Take care of you and your child...

 

megan

Hello Search,

Wow, you had alot of good replies! Keep us posted. I will continue prayers too. :)  cdb

Well Hello Search , so nice to see u back  here. You know what to do , u look after your own needs and see that your son is safe and cared for. I hope u are going to meetings now, perhaps this will be a wake up call for hubby when he realizes this company means business, aparently from your post he  hasn't quite figured that out yet.  Lower your expectations and you will be just fine.  One more time there is n othing u can do about him . So carry on careing for you and the little one. And if nothing else please come back to the meetings here. Hope to see usoon in chat .  Louise

Hi search,

I haven't been to the boards in a while.  And, I'm not much for commiserating!  I consider myself lucky that my home group "told it like it is" and I'll do the same.

There is no easy way to live with an alcoholic.  For me, my alcoholic husband was abusive, verbally and at times physically so he doesn't live at home.  We are currently legally separated. 

Only you can decide how much you can take.  No one else can for you.  Attending f2f Alanon meetings and coming here often will help you make the very personal decisions for you.

For me, my issue isn't about what my husband does or doesn't do. It's about what I do.  I choose to keep my eye on myself, provide for my children, and my HP has actually taken care of what I can't.  Honest!  I've see miracles in my own life.  Please pray and trust in your HP.  He/She will come through when you need the most.

Peace,

J

 

 

 

so, as i said, i am writing for a good dose of support and encouragement. its such an oxy-moron, cuz when he's at the bar, everything functions at home smoothly and on course, so i love him NOT being here, altho i HATE where he is and what he's doing.  and i DREAD the moment he comes home, because as soon as he walks in the door...all chaos comes in with him.  yet the longer he's at the bar...the madder i get.  but yet hope he doesn't come home!  talk about "crazy making!"  bedtime is the most stressful time at our house, cuz he's drunk by then and just exasperates our son and me. 

 

Boy - do I know EXACTLY what you mean.  I just try to go about whatever I am doing and not think about it.  It's hard - very hard

 

Hugs to you!!!  You are not alone.

Seems, to me now, that if some expectations are not met like having a real relationship with a real functional being are not met, and not a false relatiohship as your's seems to be with no relating going on, then it is time to move on to learning to have a real relationship with yourself and then just wait because that is all you will need to do once you have established a good relationship with yourself… so it seems to me.

Hugs & Luv,

you wrote:

so, as i said, i am writing for a good dose of support and encouragement. its such an oxy-moron, cuz when he's at the bar, everything functions at home smoothly and on course, so i love him NOT being here, altho i HATE where he is and what he's doing.  and i DREAD the moment he comes home, because as soon as he walks in the door...all chaos comes in with him.  yet the longer he's at the bar...the madder i get.  but yet hope he doesn't come home!  talk about "crazy making!"  bedtime is the most stressful time at our house, cuz he's drunk by then and just exasperates our son and me. 

what is wrong with this picture???  been there, done that.  things ususally get worse before they get better.  i stayed with my A for 20 years and after 9 years away from him he still hasn't changed.  glad i am not waiting any longer.  good luck to you and your son. 

ps....in my opinion,  you can't be nice.  the nicer you are, the angrier the A gets.

Hey there

It's extra hard when they are not working, last year my A was off work twice between jobs, I used to think Oh No because I knew pretty much what was coming.  It is a very difficult time and the only way to survive is to go in to survival mode.  The only way I survived was to prioritise; First - look after me, second - look after son, third make sure there are basic essentials - roof over heads, food, power, and as calm environment  for son as can manage (My son is 3) - much easier said than done when living with an active unemployed A.

The circumstances you are living under are far far from ideal amd very very stressful for you.  I find just taking one day at a time helps me to just get through today as best I can.

Re thinking your boundries may also help, how much are you prepared to put up with?  You can put your foot down as far as the money on drinking goes especially if it is compromising basic essentials like food, essential bills ect.

Escape is also good, I used to go over to girlfriends with son for a few hours just to have a break from the A and all the craziness.  This really used to help me relax and have a bit of a laugh even if it was for a short while - getting out of the house for a few hours in the weekend or when you can may really help.

Come and visit here!  We listen, we care, we understand!!!

((((()))))

Ava