My wife and I have a 31 year old son who is the A in our lives. He's a wonderful man and we love him dearly. We've been guilty of helping way too much going back to his high school days (and probably earlier). He's been through detox 4 times now. He's good at it and kind of likes the process.
Two months ago we started attending Al Anon f2f meetings which proved very helpful to us in helping us to detach with love and let things happen.
In our desire to help our son we purchased a house for him 5 years ago and had him make the payments (through us so we could be sure they were made). We put his name on the deed along with ours but the loan is in our names only. We had a written agreement that spelled out what would happen if he missed payments -- he'd have to move out and the house would be sold. Well, we're just about there. He hasn't worked in 2 years and every bit of money he had is exhausted (savings, 401K, settlement from an auto accident, unemployment). He has no money, no job, 3 cats, and no place to go and no apparent concern about his predicament. He recently went 28 days without drinking but then went on a binge. We don't know if he's drinking now or not. You can't believe him one way or the other.
I wish, oh how I wish we hadn't helped him by buying the house. Now we get to be the bad guys. I guess we're going to have to kick him out. We've set the boundary. Boy, I sure hope this is the right things to do.
Has anyone had success in a similar situation?
lalarainbow said
Mar 25, 2005
Hi,
I am new to this board...My son admitted to a drug problem one month ago..He lost his job and had to move back home..He is 21 and been a user since high school.... We paid off his bills and have done that a few other times..Kept bailing him out.....He even had to go to court about a fine which we have no intention of paying!!!!... He is going to work it off somehow. It sure is tough when it is a child we love who is throwing it all away...If it comes to having to kick my son out.. Will I be able to stand tough???? and carry it out...easier said then done!!!..Hopefully someone with more experience will be able to advice you..
Atleast we know that we are not alone in this..Take care
~~Pam~~
Christy said
Mar 25, 2005
Obijuan,
The one thing I do know, is that when a boundary is set, you must recall why you set it. In your case, it appears it is so your son has to be accountable/responsible for his actions and to the agreement that was made between the two of you.
When we stop enabling, it leaves the addicted person alone with their disease, which in turn forces them look at themselves. It's at that point that they must make a decision about their lives.
They don't always make the right choice but we can't save them or force them to be better by paving their way or making their lives easier.
Something my Dad used to say still remains with me. "Sometimes you have to have weight on your shoulders to keep your feet on the ground."
Even our adult children need to be taught accountability for their actions and that an agreement is an agreement.
I wish the best for you..
Christy
babs said
Mar 25, 2005
No one knows the answers, what's right or wrong. Although boundaries aren't boundaries if they aren't kept up. You showed your love by helping out, like any good parent, probably more than others, but you showed your smarts by that legal agreement. If you decide to kick him out, that's his fault. He knew it when you made the agreement with him. If anything, I'd say you're the good guy who gave him a chance, with a consequence for not paying, like any bank would!
Don't be sorry you've helped. You can say to yourself that you've helped him, but he hasn't helped himself, the blame is on him.
The only way your decision (either way) could be wrong, is if you do it out of anger, resentment, jealousy, fear, etc.
debilyn said
Mar 25, 2005
My son was about this age. I learned I had to have him go and try his own wings. When we hang on we are not allowing them to see what they can do. My A husband is 53 and still cannot live son his own. He never has! He is back with mommie now.
I feel we don't do our children and/or A's any good by making things "easy" for them. Of course if they are working as hard as they can and need a bit of help that is different.
I wish my mil would send my A husband out. The situation is sick. If you only knew how many A men live with their moms...
You have your integrity. You made boundaries to protect you. I think our kids, no matter how old, need to see us take care of ourselves and be strong about our decisions.
My A will be homeless when his mom dies. I will have to be strong then and not allow him to come here.
I won't. no way.
anyhoo good to have ya here. love,debilyn
kismetstrand said
Mar 25, 2005
I have an older brother. I haven't seen him for 3 or 4 years, I don't even know where he is... This brother of mine, he was married, had 2 kids. He ended up having an affair and his wife divorced him. He married the gal he'd had the affair with (after much bemoaning and blaming of first wife for not taking him back). My grandparents (dad's side) decided "poor Mike" needed some help. They helped him and 2nd wife to get a house. "Poor Mike" ended up losing that house. So then grandparents decided to help "poor mike" again. Grandpa cashed in his retirement money and bought "poor mike" another house. Which of course "poor mike" lost also, but this time Grandpa had passed away already and Grandma didn't have the money (thank god) to buy him another house. Instead, grandma decided she'd pay for "poor mike" to go to motorcycle mechanic school and since the school was in Arizona, she also paid for "poor mike" to fly back and forth from california on the weekends to be with his family. (Did I mention "poor mike" refused to pay his court ordered child support also?) Another of my brothers lived with grandma as she was going blind and needed someone there. This brother is in construction and did quite a lot fixing up around her house. Taking her shopping. Seeing to things she needed. Putting his own life on hold to care for her. Well, "poor mike" ended up needing a place to stay, so "poor mike" moved in with grandma. Since "poor mike" was there, my other brother moved out. Prior to "poor mike" moving in, my mom and sister had sat down and gone thru bills with grandma, had helped her organize and pay off all her credit cards. Grandma passed away Feb. of 1999. In going thru her bills, mom and sis discovered the credit cards were maxed out again...guess "poor mike" needed a few things. Grandma's house was willed to my dad, with my 3 brothers inheriting it together after dad passed away. Well dad ended up in the hospital at the end of June, discovered he had cancer, was gone within 2 weeks - July 10, 1999. Very sudden. The whole family was gathered. For "poor mike", I guess that was just the last straw. It seems his mind "broke". He had no one to turn to anymore, no one to just give him things. Was left to stand on his own two feet...and honestly, I don't think he had any idea how to do that, even though he was close to 40 then. Due to the child support issue, my other brothers suggested he quit claim his share of the house to them, they'd sell it and give him his share. "Poor mike" got this mind-set of "they're out to get me", became totally paranoid, thought we all were against him - I mean honestly, what sane person thinks this way?? He refused to leave the house, refused to cooperate in any way, kept saying "it's MY house". Even threatened my mom's life at one point (although later denied doing so.) Ended up in a nasty court battle with house being sold, all "poor mikes" share going for that child support of course. (Which I feel it should have gone to anyway.) Don't know where "poor mike" went to, maybe moved in with wife's family?? He chose to cut off our whole family. This is just my story of what enabling can do to a person. The most shocking part for me was watching my brother's mind just go to a place that, well the only thing that made any sense to me was, mental breakdown. I don't know if he's an alcoholic. I suspect he is. He always had a beer in his hand. He was a bowler and met the guys every week for drinks. Umm, yeah, sounds to me like he was on the road to being an alcoholic. So in looking back, his mind "breaking" like that makes a bit more sense. Do I believe in making kids accountable for their actions now? Oh, you bet!! I've seen what can happen with the example of my brother.
Jeannie said
Mar 27, 2005
Hi,
I can give you a different perspective. My husband is my A. His parents are very involved in our lives. They have bailed him out of jail, paid for a lawyer 5 times. Bought him beer,given him money and payed our morgage when he has been out of work(more often than not).
I know they do this in the name of love, but in reality it has helped him to continue drinking. We have six children, and he is currently living with his parents. I had to put him out again as his drinking was making the kids and I miserable. His parents took him in again, they do his laundry, cook his meals and give him money. His Dad says they give him money do he doesn't take any from the kids and I. I have told them, not to worry about us, we will be fine, but they continue to do it.
His drinking is now driving his parents insane, but they do not want Alanon. They have told me on many occasions that he will not hit bottom as long as they have a breath left. While they are not the cause of his drinking, they shield him from all responsibility, and make his life at least bearable. They are helping keep him protected from the consequences of his drinking and have been for years. They give him that safety net, that keeps him from realizing how bad, he has gotten.
I have told his Mother many times, that I had put him out for my good, the childrens good and his as well, but to her it is cruel. Her and I will never agree on this one. He is 40 and his health is failing, his children are disgusted with him, and our marriage is in shambles. His credit is shot and he is in danger of losing yet another job. His parents are the only thing keeping him living an even remotely normal. I have told them, the kindest and yes hardest thing they could do would be to put him out. Maybe, he might, God willing, open his eyes and seek help.
My wife and I have a 31 year old son who is the A in our lives. He's a wonderful man and we love him dearly. We've been guilty of helping way too much going back to his high school days (and probably earlier). He's been through detox 4 times now. He's good at it and kind of likes the process.
Two months ago we started attending Al Anon f2f meetings which proved very helpful to us in helping us to detach with love and let things happen.
In our desire to help our son we purchased a house for him 5 years ago and had him make the payments (through us so we could be sure they were made). We put his name on the deed along with ours but the loan is in our names only. We had a written agreement that spelled out what would happen if he missed payments -- he'd have to move out and the house would be sold. Well, we're just about there. He hasn't worked in 2 years and every bit of money he had is exhausted (savings, 401K, settlement from an auto accident, unemployment). He has no money, no job, 3 cats, and no place to go and no apparent concern about his predicament. He recently went 28 days without drinking but then went on a binge. We don't know if he's drinking now or not. You can't believe him one way or the other.
I wish, oh how I wish we hadn't helped him by buying the house. Now we get to be the bad guys. I guess we're going to have to kick him out. We've set the boundary. Boy, I sure hope this is the right things to do.
Has anyone had success in a similar situation?
Hi,
I am new to this board...My son admitted to a drug problem one month ago..He lost his job and had to move back home..He is 21 and been a user since high school.... We paid off his bills and have done that a few other times..Kept bailing him out.....He even had to go to court about a fine which we have no intention of paying!!!!... He is going to work it off somehow. It sure is tough when it is a child we love who is throwing it all away...If it comes to having to kick my son out.. Will I be able to stand tough???? and carry it out...easier said then done!!!..Hopefully someone with more experience will be able to advice you..
Atleast we know that we are not alone in this..Take care
~~Pam~~
Obijuan,
The one thing I do know, is that when a boundary is set, you must recall why you set it. In your case, it appears it is so your son has to be accountable/responsible for his actions and to the agreement that was made between the two of you.
When we stop enabling, it leaves the addicted person alone with their disease, which in turn forces them look at themselves. It's at that point that they must make a decision about their lives.
They don't always make the right choice but we can't save them or force them to be better by paving their way or making their lives easier.
Something my Dad used to say still remains with me. "Sometimes you have to have weight on your shoulders to keep your feet on the ground."
Even our adult children need to be taught accountability for their actions and that an agreement is an agreement.
I wish the best for you..
Christy
No one knows the answers, what's right or wrong. Although boundaries aren't boundaries if they aren't kept up. You showed your love by helping out, like any good parent, probably more than others, but you showed your smarts by that legal agreement. If you decide to kick him out, that's his fault. He knew it when you made the agreement with him. If anything, I'd say you're the good guy who gave him a chance, with a consequence for not paying, like any bank would!
Don't be sorry you've helped. You can say to yourself that you've helped him, but he hasn't helped himself, the blame is on him.
The only way your decision (either way) could be wrong, is if you do it out of anger, resentment, jealousy, fear, etc.
Hi,
I can give you a different perspective. My husband is my A. His parents are very involved in our lives. They have bailed him out of jail, paid for a lawyer 5 times. Bought him beer,given him money and payed our morgage when he has been out of work(more often than not).
I know they do this in the name of love, but in reality it has helped him to continue drinking. We have six children, and he is currently living with his parents. I had to put him out again as his drinking was making the kids and I miserable. His parents took him in again, they do his laundry, cook his meals and give him money. His Dad says they give him money do he doesn't take any from the kids and I. I have told them, not to worry about us, we will be fine, but they continue to do it.
His drinking is now driving his parents insane, but they do not want Alanon. They have told me on many occasions that he will not hit bottom as long as they have a breath left. While they are not the cause of his drinking, they shield him from all responsibility, and make his life at least bearable. They are helping keep him protected from the consequences of his drinking and have been for years. They give him that safety net, that keeps him from realizing how bad, he has gotten.
I have told his Mother many times, that I had put him out for my good, the childrens good and his as well, but to her it is cruel. Her and I will never agree on this one. He is 40 and his health is failing, his children are disgusted with him, and our marriage is in shambles. His credit is shot and he is in danger of losing yet another job. His parents are the only thing keeping him living an even remotely normal. I have told them, the kindest and yes hardest thing they could do would be to put him out. Maybe, he might, God willing, open his eyes and seek help.
This is just my point of view.
Love Jeannie
Hope this helped.
Love Jeannie