I am new to the program and feel very alone my qualifier is my husband who has been in and out of sobriety about 1 year ago he went into treatment for 28 days when he came home things were still shaky and he relapsed . My husband also suffers from depression through this all i have tried to remain supportive to his credit for years he has asked me to go to al-anon and therapy and i constantly made excuses. He has really worked at staying sober to an extent yet always blamed others for his shortcomings. About a month ago he told me he did not want to be married anymore and he moved out during this same time he relapsed after 9 months of sobriety and he had an affair all within this 1-2 month time period . Needless to say i was devastated , we have 3 kids who are also hurt. His last binge he told me he was in love with this woman and wanted to be withher he really laid it on me and placed tremendous blame on my shoulders. After he sobered up of course he was sorry yet he still told me he was in love with two women . Anyway through the grace of God and a wonderful sponsor and program friends he is back in treatment for 28 days, I have supported him through this whole process yet i can't help to have resentments fears and doubts i mean sometimes i feel like he is taking me for granted you know hey i'm the wife so i will be there and he can have his other woman on the side . I haven't asked if he has spoken or written her he told me he might before he left he has been real ambivalent about it all . I did tell him that he can't have it both ways. I go to meetings i read my literature I just feel as if I am drowning . He wants me to visit him , he calls he acts like when he comes out he will be coming home . I am having a real hard time surrendering my will and tending to my own garden and believe me my garden is a mess.

sorry so long any experience , strength or hope

khadejah 

Hello Khadejah,

Welcome to MIP, Mirarcles In Progress. Your post was not long at all. There are other people in your type of situation here. You can do a search here and read others posts and replies too. The meetings here really help me alot. They are 8pm central time M-Sat. There are morning ones too.You will have to check here for the other times. This chat room is also open 24 hours a day. And of course you already found the message board. My daughter is the qualifier in my life. I am sure you will get other replies too. I try to take one day at a time and to let go and let God now. Sometimes I have to even take one hour at a time. Keep going to f2f meetings and try coming here for support too. It is nice having you here :)   cdb

oh Hon, your post broke my heart for you. I find we get so beat down we feel fragile. Guess I want to ask what makes a person stay with another who has cheated on them and broke the marriage vow? Plus does not seem to respect them? My A knows if he cheats, I am gone period. NO friendship, no nothing. Cheating is not part of being an A, it is a moral decision. I have never been in your position, but I sure can imagine how horribly painful it must be. No one can make a decision for us. We can possibly talk about options. A person can work on themselves. You said you want to tend to your own garden, so what do you want? I mean for you. Let go and let god for him. But you. I had to learn that my marriage was not like the "normal" kind. In order for me to be happy and secure, I had to set up my life to have my own income, I had to protect my assets, I had to have my car and insurance in my own name. I got a legal separation. It means I am not liable for any thing he does. But we are still married. But I can change it to a divorce anytime. My home is in my name as is everything else. I won't allow him to live at home anymore. I won't make it easy for his disease. He bounces from sobreity to using so many times. I just take care of me and love him no matter what. Well not if he cheated. That would be that. When I had my kids little, I got a restraining order, went to work for the school district and went back to college. Did not see him for 10 years. I would not allow him around my babies. There is hope, so much hope for you and your kids. I believe when we make choices for ourselves to move forward we become stronger. When we sit and cocoon we don't grow. I know my kids were better people becuz they saw me keep going and working on me. I made decisions and went forward. I felt better too. Now my A is living at his mommies. I decided to move on. Or move ahead. No waiting for his help or to share the projects. I have 5 acres and live on a farm sanctuary. Lots to do. I decided to remodel my house a little. Moved me into what was his room and changed the big master bedroom and bathroom into a den and bathroom. I love it. Plus he has no where to sleep here. I made my room just for me, not with him in mind one tiny bit. I wnted to garden, but wanted my animals to be able to graze in the front 1/2 acre. So I fenced the front and now I am making a fence inside the front fence for my garden. I love it. He thinks the animals belong in the pasture and the front should be foofoo. Well I tell ya, nothing is more fun to me than seeing people go by slow to see the pot bellied pigs,llamas, horse, goats and turkeys. lol I do put them in the pasture too, I let the front rest and put them back up there. Anyway I feel hope in life itself when I surrender to hp. For me that meant doing the footwork and allowing my hp to take care of the outcome. There are meetings online here that are wonderful, and a chat room. I hope you keep coming back. much love,debilyn

Hi and welcome

 

It is so dissapointing to me when my A (husband) quites drinking and then starts up again.

It is such a roller coaster of emotions good times and then not good times

I have come to expect only failure and then I am not disappointed.

Please try to be strong. The A's are very very good at manipulating our feelings.

I am sorry about the affairs, please protect yourself and your family.

 

do something nice for you

Hi Khadejah - Welcome to the board and to Al-Anon. You are in the right place - here and f2f meetings. I've had the same hurt you're going through and it's terrible. I can't speak for the a but there certainly is hope for you. Al-Anon gave me my life back after years with a practicing a. I learned to put myself first - to take care of myself - to finally love myself again and know that I was a good person - that all the nasty things he said were his disease talking and learned not to take them personnally. I also stopped taking responsibility for HIS actions. Keep coming back - get a sponsor and let her guide you through the 12 steps. The results will be awesome. Love and hugs - Dot

Hi - there is always hope. When my husband and I reunited I asked for 

Fidelity ,Loyalty and Honesty and told him if he couldn't give me those things that I was just fine alone. He chose to come back to our home.

I have never been sorry i tried again, sobriety is not the answer to al of your problems , but it sure helps.  I have learned that the  only people i have to trust are God and myself when Ido that it really dosen't matter what others do I know that i will be ok. Work on your relationship with the God of your understanding and get to know yourself.

Give the relationship to God and what will be will be.I work my  program for me to impove my life , unfortunatly there are no guarantees in life neither Al-Alanon or AA promise to save our marriages ,just to return us to sanity. Sounds good to me. Good Luck