This is the question that is in my head. 32 years with my daughter and now she has a 7 year old sons. She wants to come home again and this is about the 5th time. She lives in Oregon, so moving back and forth is days of planning, I live in AZ, money, problem solving and yelling and screaming from her. I have refused this time to assist her in moving back here. She is bi polar and meth user. The constant question is which do I listen too? I have continue with practing the 12 steps since 1978 and I do kniow I am powerless, BUT. Her mental illness is very progressed. when she goes off her meds, she has psychotic breaks, where do I call the line. I have kept my distance this time for 4 months. She is unable to hear me no manner what I say.
As I write this, I know this is all about me and my pain. What if she dies, what if she hurts her son, who she dearly loves? I continue to give her up to God dead or alive, and yet each time is like the first time, I did it. She is not her dis ease. I need some words of encouragment yet I know no one can say what I am doing is right or wrong.
thank you
kb
debilyn said
Mar 23, 2005
Hi Kb, welcome.
I was so touched by your post. I have a daughter who is 29. Thank goodness she is not interested in drugs. But I put myself in your place.
I know about meth, I worked with kids at risk for 18 years. I know it makes a person psychotic and they can do horrible things and do.
Kb here in Oregon we are having a meth epidemic, the users are stealing anything and everything. Including peoples mail, identities, going into peoples homes and hocking their stuff.
My sister in law is a meth user. She is the worst liar,thief and more. They are coniving. She has a son who is 16 now. He is drug affected. Is your grandson drug affected?
If I were you, I would fight to get my grandson. I would NEVER allow anyone using drugs to live in my home. I guarentee it would be nothing but heartache and not do anyone any good. I feel by letting them live with us we are making it easy for the disease to play.
My mother in law allowed the meth user to "take care of her." The meth daughter stole all her money out of her account and wrote many bad checks. She took her car and would not give it back.
The meth sil will call me and be all sweet until I say no. Then I am a B and on and on and I hang up. I got my number unlisted... .again. Well this coniving person got the paper, I had a house for rent and she called all the houses until she found me.
We cannot control, cure or cause it kb. We don't have to clean up their messes either. When we do we take away their chance of doing it for themselves. When we make it easy it is not good for the addict. It took me a long time to realize that my allowing my A husband to come back here to live was only helping the disease to get off easy.
Sadly his mommie allowed him to move back with her. I made it so he would not be comfy here. He can stay one night or so but that is it and he is on the couch. He no longer has a room he can shut himself into and hide his drugs or whatever and use and say he is sick.
Needless to say I don't see him much. I love him so much that I won't make things easy for the disease.
I am concerned about your grandson. If she is on assistance she probably won't give him to you. But I guarentee he is not getting much attention from her. As far as loving him, the addict loves the drug more and will not stop at anything to get the drugs. I bet she leaves him alone to go get it and use.
At some point she will get busted, and she will lose her son to the system. If you choose to I would do anything to get him.
See if it were ME, it may be wrong, but I would tell her I was going to get her busted if she did not give me the grandson, so get clean or lose your son. The goal would be to get him period. It is up to her as far as getting help.
Good for you for stalling on this. Please keep coming back and posting. We care so much. NO matter what you decide we can help.
Sending you love and hope, I will keep you all in my prayers. love,debilyn
kb said
Mar 23, 2005
I hear you. My daughterwith 32 years of using off and on has never stolen a thing from me. Its amazing. My grandson I do worry about. I know the dis ease is a killer. I have3 3 generations of using in my family. grandmother died of a use and h use. sister clean for 15 years from h use, after using for 35 years. now my daughter with meth. Its a horrible drug and along with the mental illness, which she had before she started using, and its worse now. I am taking one day at a time. thank God I have seen my sister come into recovery and many others. I am in the psychology field for 30 years now, crazy uh? I can help others but not my own, which is always the story. I am going to wait a little longer, before I decide rather to take my grandson. I am 64 and he is 7. So I need to be prepared to stay working, care giving, etc. The year my daughter and him lived with me, she did not use. thanks for your encouragement.
kb
Lucy2 said
Mar 24, 2005
Kb...I know your pain. I, too, have a daughter that has addictive behaviors and bipolar. I am currently raising my grandchildren because of her dual diseases. When I first came to Alanon, I was a basket case...not knowing whether to go forward or to go back. My life was a wreck! What I have learned from my program is to set healthy boundaries for myself, accept that until she is completely clean that there is no way her mental illness can be treated with much success, and to detach with love.
I no longer measure her progress or regression by my yard stick. I give her the respect to make her own decisions about her life and allow natural consequences to occur.
My eye opener came at a meeting when I heard the following statement..."My daughter has a HP and I am not HIM!" I am now able to release her to the loving hands of a HP.
Whether it addiction or mental illness...it is still an illness...and a mental, physical, and spiritual illness. In which...I did not cause, nor can I control, or cure. I wore each one of those hats for a long painful time. Filled with guilt, anger, resentment......I probably hurt her illness more than I ever helped it until I found the ESH in Alanon.
As I may have posted before...I can empathize with her pain...be understanding...loving...but I cannot bear her pain.
I have slips...and call out for help with this very issue. But we are human with human responses....we just get back up and dust ourselves off...and take one day at a time.
Please use what you can and leave the rest.
Alanon (((HUGS)))
Lucy2
cdb said
Mar 24, 2005
Hello kb,
I am in awe of the replies you got from debilyn and lucy2. Wow, I am thanking God/HP right now that they replied to you. My daughter is 20 and has done meth. It is an awful drug. My daughter has depression and we wonder if she may be bipolar too but as you probably know it is hard to diagnose while they are using. I will and am now saying prayers for you and your family. Just keep us updated and keep coming back for support! your friend in recovery, cdb ((((((supportive hugs)))))))
kb said
Mar 26, 2005
I am thanking each and everyone of you that answered my call for support. 23 years practicing 12 steps and still their is no way, in this life to ever stop practicing them. I am letting go and letting god. I even told my younger daughter this morning, who lives just 3 houses up from me, that I can not talk about her sister. She can call her and find out. At first I thought I sounded cold, but I know I am not cold, I just do not want any more of the pain that goes with relating to her sister how she is doing and seeing the pain also in her sisters eyes and the fear. I have come to this site at least 5 times a day for the last 2 weeks and thank God its here. So thank you for the hugs, kind words, etc.
I appreciate it, when people do not make her dis ease who she is. I love who she is, I do not like the dis ease.
thank you again
just for today, I will know that everyone has a Higher Power, including my oldest daughter.
kb said
Mar 26, 2005
Hi,
I am so glad to be rejected today in my life. My oldest daughter has let me know she is clean, no help from me and she has a great counselor and I am awful, for not speaking with her this long. I know this may sound awful to some of you, but I am so glad she can reject me and is going to someone else. Its such a relief. I love her dearly, but she is my slippery place, for my dis ease. This may not last long, but I am glad for it, while it does. This is the hardest thing I have had to do, with her. I have done it before, but not with me being so clear about it.
Yeh , I don't know about her, but I am getting better and that is the name of this game for me. My dis ease. I can not do her recovery, but I am toltally responsible for mine.
It has helped me to write to people who will listen. I have been writing God Letters for years, have binders and files full of them. I will tell you all, it helps to hear back from others. thats what I love about face to face meetings. I have not gone to any meetings on line, but in time I will.
I am taking one day at a time and thank my Higher Power for today.
This is the question that is in my head. 32 years with my daughter and now she has a 7 year old sons. She wants to come home again and this is about the 5th time. She lives in Oregon, so moving back and forth is days of planning, I live in AZ, money, problem solving and yelling and screaming from her. I have refused this time to assist her in moving back here. She is bi polar and meth user. The constant question is which do I listen too? I have continue with practing the 12 steps since 1978 and I do kniow I am powerless, BUT. Her mental illness is very progressed. when she goes off her meds, she has psychotic breaks, where do I call the line. I have kept my distance this time for 4 months. She is unable to hear me no manner what I say.
As I write this, I know this is all about me and my pain. What if she dies, what if she hurts her son, who she dearly loves? I continue to give her up to God dead or alive, and yet each time is like the first time, I did it. She is not her dis ease. I need some words of encouragment yet I know no one can say what I am doing is right or wrong.
thank you
kb
I hear you. My daughterwith 32 years of using off and on has never stolen a thing from me. Its amazing. My grandson I do worry about. I know the dis ease is a killer. I have3 3 generations of using in my family. grandmother died of a use and h use. sister clean for 15 years from h use, after using for 35 years. now my daughter with meth. Its a horrible drug and along with the mental illness, which she had before she started using, and its worse now. I am taking one day at a time. thank God I have seen my sister come into recovery and many others. I am in the psychology field for 30 years now, crazy uh? I can help others but not my own, which is always the story. I am going to wait a little longer, before I decide rather to take my grandson. I am 64 and he is 7. So I need to be prepared to stay working, care giving, etc. The year my daughter and him lived with me, she did not use. thanks for your encouragement.
kb
Kb...I know your pain. I, too, have a daughter that has addictive behaviors and bipolar. I am currently raising my grandchildren because of her dual diseases. When I first came to Alanon, I was a basket case...not knowing whether to go forward or to go back. My life was a wreck! What I have learned from my program is to set healthy boundaries for myself, accept that until she is completely clean that there is no way her mental illness can be treated with much success, and to detach with love.
I no longer measure her progress or regression by my yard stick. I give her the respect to make her own decisions about her life and allow natural consequences to occur.
My eye opener came at a meeting when I heard the following statement..."My daughter has a HP and I am not HIM!" I am now able to release her to the loving hands of a HP.
Whether it addiction or mental illness...it is still an illness...and a mental, physical, and spiritual illness. In which...I did not cause, nor can I control, or cure. I wore each one of those hats for a long painful time. Filled with guilt, anger, resentment......I probably hurt her illness more than I ever helped it until I found the ESH in Alanon.
As I may have posted before...I can empathize with her pain...be understanding...loving...but I cannot bear her pain.
I have slips...and call out for help with this very issue. But we are human with human responses....we just get back up and dust ourselves off...and take one day at a time.
Please use what you can and leave the rest.
Alanon (((HUGS)))
Lucy2
Hello kb,
I am in awe of the replies you got from debilyn and lucy2. Wow, I am thanking God/HP right now that they replied to you. My daughter is 20 and has done meth. It is an awful drug. My daughter has depression and we wonder if she may be bipolar too but as you probably know it is hard to diagnose while they are using. I will and am now saying prayers for you and your family. Just keep us updated and keep coming back for support! your friend in recovery, cdb ((((((supportive hugs)))))))
I am thanking each and everyone of you that answered my call for support. 23 years practicing 12 steps and still their is no way, in this life to ever stop practicing them. I am letting go and letting god. I even told my younger daughter this morning, who lives just 3 houses up from me, that I can not talk about her sister. She can call her and find out. At first I thought I sounded cold, but I know I am not cold, I just do not want any more of the pain that goes with relating to her sister how she is doing and seeing the pain also in her sisters eyes and the fear. I have come to this site at least 5 times a day for the last 2 weeks and thank God its here. So thank you for the hugs, kind words, etc.
I appreciate it, when people do not make her dis ease who she is. I love who she is, I do not like the dis ease.
thank you again
just for today, I will know that everyone has a Higher Power, including my oldest daughter.
Hi,
I am so glad to be rejected today in my life. My oldest daughter has let me know she is clean, no help from me and she has a great counselor and I am awful, for not speaking with her this long. I know this may sound awful to some of you, but I am so glad she can reject me and is going to someone else. Its such a relief. I love her dearly, but she is my slippery place, for my dis ease. This may not last long, but I am glad for it, while it does. This is the hardest thing I have had to do, with her. I have done it before, but not with me being so clear about it.
Yeh , I don't know about her, but I am getting better and that is the name of this game for me. My dis ease. I can not do her recovery, but I am toltally responsible for mine.
It has helped me to write to people who will listen. I have been writing God Letters for years, have binders and files full of them. I will tell you all, it helps to hear back from others. thats what I love about face to face meetings. I have not gone to any meetings on line, but in time I will.
I am taking one day at a time and thank my Higher Power for today.
love and blessings
kb