Hey there,

After 2+ years of my hub drinking, I finally broke down & ended up here.  I must admit at the time I came here, I was very distraught, lost, depressed.  Coming here was a trigger for my husband.  Somehow me going for help triggered him to stop drinking.  It should be good, but I thought he's stopped (with no help) for the wrong reasons.  I think, "What if he slips, who will help him up?"  I kept with the program, trying sooo hard to think about the day only.  For each day he didn't drink was good, it didn't matter why he stopped, or what he'd do tomorrow.  In a way I felt grateful that he stopped for it made it easier for me to grasp my program because he wasn't drinking, so it was easier for me to heal, get on with my life. 

Ok so today I believe he's drinking, but hiding it.  First in about 4 weeks.  I can tell when he's drinking because he has certain tell tale behaviors.  The worst is that he goes into his own little world, shuts the door.  He's home with me, but yet I'm alone.  Anyway, I feel bummed, depressed.  I know I too have faults.  Even though I try to correct my own, I too slip.  Right now I'm trying soooo hard to think of this as one slip.  That tomorrow is a new day, it hasn't been planned yet.  I guess my only question is.......should I confront him tomorrow & ask if he was drinking?  I could do it calmly.  In a way I feel if I don't ask, he may think he got away with it.  Well, I want him to know that I know.    

Babs, I am sorry you suspect your husband is drinking again. That must be a huge disappointment for you... I hear in your message that you are frustrated and scared. I know you want your A to know that you know he is drinking but perhaps you could ask yourself why that is so important to you? Do you think that could shame him into not drinking anymore? Do you think that will establish how smart you are in his mind? Is that important? I have discovered in this program how important it is to be honest with myself and check my motives often. Whatever you decide, know that you will always be accepted and loved for who you are in these rooms. Take care of you. Love and hugs, Jessi

I certainly can see your point.  Mine won't even admit that he has a drinking problem.  He won't even tell his doctor how much he drinks - so he obviously thinks that it's too much, but yet continues to do nothing about it.  He gets extremely verbally abusive when he is drunk - there is no where for me to go, no room I can "hide" in - he will just follow. 

 

I wish he would just come home and leave me alone - so I guess you can look at that as a "good" thing.

Sorry I don't have any advice - just a hug....

Thanks to all replies.  I must learn to check my motives.  I still don't know why I wanted him to know that I knew.  Today I did not ask him anything about it.  He did come to me, he didn't know what to say except that he's lost, he knows it is somewhat of a problem; and that he feels alone; that he can go to no one for support. 

 I don't know if it's right/wrong but I tell him what I get in al anon:  support, guidance; sponsers; anonimity(hope I spelled that right); I tell him you can open up a little; alot; or nothing until you're ready; I tell him it depends on what you put in is what you get out; but most of all I tell him YOU have to want the help.   

He's sitting on a fence.  He wants help but going to AA is a step I see him struggle with.  He's told me he doesn't know if that's where he belongs.  I know I can't push him, no matter how close he is.  I just tell him the facts; like how the meetings work; no one judges.  I know he's looking into the locations of the meetings, but if he goes, who knows?  It's just hard when he comes to me, wanting help, or a solution.  I think the solution is himself, he has to want it, he has to ask, he has to work for it, I can't give it to him.  So he keeps saying he's alone in this, with no support.  I reply with you're not alone, you choose to be alone, there is support whether it be a priest, family member in AA, or AA with no family involved.  I see him trying to reach out, self-help books, exercise, etc.   

How am I doing; anything I shouldn't/should be doing or saying to his responses.  I try to validate him, and just give him facts on meetings when he inquires.  I try to use the "I" word only.  Like what I get, how I have to work, etc.      Again thanks for your replies, they do help & make me think. 

You know your A better than anyone else.  Some will deny it.  [will lie and then hide it.]   Some will openly say "yeah, I had just a beer"  (minimizing the situation).   Some might create chaos.

I knew my A well enough to know that if I asked him after his first morning cup of java, he would be calm.

I always calmly told him, "I didn't want him to lie, all I wanted to know is if he was using or not.  Didn't want a lie between us."  Of course, then I let it go....as he was apt to say just about anything!

Actually, mine would say, "yeah, I drink just a beer", and actually be doing all kinds of mixed drinks at out of town bars.  All drinking was done away from me and the teens.

Might want to follow your gut on this one, and Good Luck!

 

Hi Babs, really no point in confronting him, he will only lie anyway. (disease)  Start to trust what u see and hear , it's only important that u know there is nothing ucan do to stop his drinking . this is his problem leave it with him.  Keep going to your meetings and get your life back on track. Nothing u can do about him but alot u can do for yourself.  Good luck

Babs, glad you are here. Have been where you are. What is it that makes you want him to know, you know? Get a way with something? He is an alcoholic, a symptome is drinking. No surprise there. Plus he is an adult, we are not their wardens or moms or dads. I found if I asked the question, I would get a lie. The disease loves to lie. They can be slurring their voice and stumbling but no they have not drank. When my A husband is around, he will be talking about being sick, I will say, I am so sorry you have this disease. It must be so hard for you not to drink. Compassion goes a lot further. I mean it when I say it. I never get mad at all, I feel so sad. It is a disease, they drink, they relapse, they od, they get in accidents, get dui's, lie, put the drug first. I am never surprised by an A anymore. I don't let it hurt me anymore. A disease controlling someone has no power over me. If you must, you also might say, well you got 4 weeks of sobriety. I am sorry the disease gotcha again. They feel so guilty. They are harder on themselves than anyone. I tell my A to stop being so hard on himself. It is not personal for petes sake, he is sick. I hope I helped some from this esh. I am so glad he got some time in. I tell my A, every day he does not use is a gift to me. But I tell him I love him just the way he is. My A had several years of sobriety becuz of a strong program. So he knows all the AA stuff. But as of yet he cannot stop. He can if he is up here with no car. Which I find strange. He can go for weeks and not use up here, but as soon as he goes to town.... Anyway we are not counselors. The disease is trying to pull you in. You are doing great to direct him to AA. Of course he finds it hard to go in the door to AA. His disease is controlling him. Some people have to lose everything to go. But not everyone, he sure sounds like he is searching. As for you, move on, do for you, set up your life as if he was not there or in case he is not. Think of him as extra. If he gets a dui or gets in an accident, if you have your own foundation, you will be ok. keep posting. love,debilyn