I get that the difference between detaching with love and just plain old not caring...and I think about it like the difference between a demand and a request. I been checking myself to be sure my boundaries are more "no thank you" than kiss off . But here is my question....I have learned to respond to my husbands groans, moans, huffs, mumbles and general miserable disposition to keep the peace. And when I don't (which I am working on) he blows his stack. For the time being I have decided to stay, because I realize I am the one changing the rules here...but my anxiety level is through the roof. How do I grow a thicker skin? How do I know when I should respond? I found that once today it really was about me...but the rest of the time it wasn't. Thats the best I can do to describe it...thanks....I appreciate your input. Prayers to you all.. Lynne
megan said
Mar 22, 2005
I no longer respond to my husbands moans and groans and bitter complaints about being wronged.
I have had it. He didn't like it at first as I guess his disease needs him to rattle the crap off.
Just last night he started to say something (negative I'm sure). Then he caught himself and shut up.
The difference between detaching with love and just not caring. I don't know.
I read a good book last night #4 of the getting them sober books it was on separation.
i guess I will need to read it a dozen time more to penetrate my thick skull.
I have become so used to living one way that making the changes unnerve me.
I do it step by step, one small struggle than another.
Peace
jj said
Mar 22, 2005
Lynn, I used to detach without love and our house hold was absolutly miserable. I had to learn the with love part and in time things did get better. In me being not so angry and bitter my hubby wasn't so miserable and didn't have the excuse to blame me for his bad mood. He still has crappy days like yesterday and I did get through it but realizing the many moods of alcoholism is part of me recognition and learning. I don't have to put up with it but don't egnore him any more as that was just giving him the reason to get madder at me. So now I just say oh well I see I am married to oscer the grouch today and try to leave it at that. hehe Then at least I can chuckle at my own little jokes.
I hope that things get better for you and once you can take that brick wall off your shoulders. I know when my wall comes down I feel so much better. I am guilty however of putting my wall back up often but when it comes crashing down I feel absolutly great.
huggs to you your friend JJ
wallsal55 said
Mar 22, 2005
Seems like my spouse would want to draw me in with his moods, or poor mes. I would just turn and leave the room. If you can do this, it is a sanity-saver! [I know some say, their A would then follow them, be angry and continue to draw them into the chaos if they could.] You could try my suggestion, and see if it works or not.
TLC2 said
Mar 22, 2005
When my A was 'under the influence' of alcohol, I thought to myself, this isn't the man I love talking, it's the disease. I used to let things get to me before I came to Alanon. I'd get hurt, just like the disease wanted me to. I'd fight back, just like the disease wanted me to.. We, the disease and I had some terrible fights, even physical.
Once I tuned my mind, and realized when the disease was talking, I wouldn't respond to it at all. If I had to leave, I'd leave. If I could just tune out, that's all I'd do, but totally tune out, not let it get to me.
At first, it was hard to tell which was talking to me, but after awhile, I learned to recognize the difference. I learned a lot about the symptoms of, and what to expect here from this board. Once I learned to detatch, things got a lot better, incredibly better!! I set a boundary, and that was that I didn't want him anywhere near me when he was drinking, so ,if he wanted to drink, he had to go away. (that was after the physical abuse). So, for about a year, he went away quite often, if he called while he was drinking, I'd hang up on him.
He hasn't been on a big binge for over a year, and we are both much happier. We have a beer or two in the evening, if we feel like it, but if he starts slurring his words, I go to another room or to bed. This may not work for everyone, but this is my experience. So far, so good :) I know the didease can rear it's ugly head at any time, but just keep praying for today. I don't think I/we could have done it if I hadn't found this board!!
I am convinced my HP/God guided me here. Working the steps, a lot of reading, and a strong faith in my HP have been my Miracle In Progress.
debilyn said
Mar 22, 2005
I like how you use humor. It does work, sure puts a crimp on the drama huh?
love,debilyn
I no longer respond to my husbands moans and groans and bitter complaints about being wronged.
I have had it. He didn't like it at first as I guess his disease needs him to rattle the crap off.
Just last night he started to say something (negative I'm sure). Then he caught himself and shut up.
The difference between detaching with love and just not caring. I don't know.
I read a good book last night #4 of the getting them sober books it was on separation.
i guess I will need to read it a dozen time more to penetrate my thick skull.
I have become so used to living one way that making the changes unnerve me.
I do it step by step, one small struggle than another.
Peace
Lynn, I used to detach without love and our house hold was absolutly miserable. I had to learn the with love part and in time things did get better. In me being not so angry and bitter my hubby wasn't so miserable and didn't have the excuse to blame me for his bad mood. He still has crappy days like yesterday and I did get through it but realizing the many moods of alcoholism is part of me recognition and learning. I don't have to put up with it but don't egnore him any more as that was just giving him the reason to get madder at me. So now I just say oh well I see I am married to oscer the grouch today and try to leave it at that. hehe Then at least I can chuckle at my own little jokes.
I hope that things get better for you and once you can take that brick wall off your shoulders. I know when my wall comes down I feel so much better. I am guilty however of putting my wall back up often but when it comes crashing down I feel absolutly great.
huggs to you your friend
JJ
When my A was 'under the influence' of alcohol, I thought to myself, this isn't the man I love talking, it's the disease. I used to let things get to me before I came to Alanon. I'd get hurt, just like the disease wanted me to. I'd fight back, just like the disease wanted me to.. We, the disease and I had some terrible fights, even physical.
Once I tuned my mind, and realized when the disease was talking, I wouldn't respond to it at all. If I had to leave, I'd leave. If I could just tune out, that's all I'd do, but totally tune out, not let it get to me.
At first, it was hard to tell which was talking to me, but after awhile, I learned to recognize the difference. I learned a lot about the symptoms of, and what to expect here from this board. Once I learned to detatch, things got a lot better, incredibly better!! I set a boundary, and that was that I didn't want him anywhere near me when he was drinking, so ,if he wanted to drink, he had to go away. (that was after the physical abuse). So, for about a year, he went away quite often, if he called while he was drinking, I'd hang up on him.
He hasn't been on a big binge for over a year, and we are both much happier. We have a beer or two in the evening, if we feel like it, but if he starts slurring his words, I go to another room or to bed. This may not work for everyone, but this is my experience. So far, so good :) I know the didease can rear it's ugly head at any time, but just keep praying for today. I don't think I/we could have done it if I hadn't found this board!!
I am convinced my HP/God guided me here. Working the steps, a lot of reading, and a strong faith in my HP have been my Miracle In Progress.