I wrote a post a little while ago, and on reading it back, I realize that I was venting, and getting aggravated and letting everything get to me.
I did some thinking, and some crying and some more feeling sorry for myself, and things seem a lot clearer. I have been accused by my in-laws of being selfish and uncaring and wanting too much.
I have been hardening my heart, that is one of the reason I have had no contact with my husband. I don't want to hear his lies, or his promises, or see his smile. I don't want to be manipulated, because I either give in, or when I don't the ranting and filthy names start. So it is easier to just avoid contact. That isn't to say I don't miss him.
I also do want a lot. I want a good and healthy life for myself, my children and yes even my husband. I can't give him a good and healthy life as he has to do that himself and because of his disease is choosing not to. I also can't give the kids and I a good life if he is here and actively drinking. Did I shove my problems off on his parents, in a way yes. But they choose to baby him, they chose to let him continue drinking under their roof and not put him out.
Is it harder to throw out your own flesh and blood. I am not sure. I know they love him, but so do I. He is a part of me, as well as the father of my children and the man I stood before God with and promised to love forever. But he needs help that I can't give him, and neither can his parents and in a way they are helping him remain sick, but I can't so anything about that either.
I have had to do a lot of thinking about adult children lately. My son turns 18 in a few weeks. I overheard him having a conversation with a friend a few days ago. He was saying that soon he would be able to do as he pleased, no chores, no curfew. He would be an adult and pay rent. I sat down with him, admitted to eavesdropping and we talked about it. I told him as long as he lived under my roof, I would worry abou him(probably after as well) and he would have a curfew that was fair to both of us. I also told him, chores where a family obligation in this house, and rent or no rent, he would have them, we all contribute. I then told him if he could not live with this, then when he turned 18, he should begin looking for his own place. He laughed and hugged me, told me he knows and he was sorry he was just mouthing off to one of his friends. Even adult children need to know respect, responsibility and obligation. So yes, they choose to not put him out, they choose to allow him to live there and act badly.
They need help as much as he does, and I do. They like him, are choosing not to take it.
I am not going to take it, I will try to be kind, but I will not be badgered and afraid in my own home. I am going to tell them, they are welcomed here, but I need to live my own life, and they have no say in it. I want them to stop being my husbands mouthpieces. When he is ready to talk like an adult, I will speak with him. If I choose to move on someday, I will do it no matter what they say or do, and they have no right to judge me. I wll also invite them to a meeting, and I will keep inviting them, no matter how often they refuse, but that is the only help I can give them. It is not my place to judge them any more than I want them to judge me.
I am doing what is best for myself, my children and though he does not see it, for my husband as well. The only ones I need to answer to are God and my children and the kids agree with the path God is leading us on. Maybe someday my husband will follow, but that is not my business either.
Love Jeannie
TLC2 said
Mar 21, 2005
WOW! You've come a long way in a short time! Looks like you are on the right path. I know how hard it can get at times, and you certainly don't need the extra stress from his parents.Good to see you had a good talk with your son too. Wishing you serenity,TLC
debilyn said
Mar 22, 2005
Jeannie I loved this post. Made me smile. You sound so much calmer and like you have grown so much. OMG and your son sounds so cool. I am so proud of you.Am also glad you are still here to share your story. Can't remember the exp. stren thing lol
I relate to your wanting a calm, peaceful healthy home for your kids. I do want to remind you, to do it for you too! I am alone here and love the peace of my place I named Potter's Eden. I am a sanctuary for farm animals still, but am retired and don't take anymore. But people who come here tell me how calm it is and ask how come everyone gets along?
I won't allow anyone, including my A's disease to ruin the serenity we have here.
Remind me how serene it is when I am chasing down my horse who got out, wearing my pink fluffy slippers and nightgown , in the pouring rain...Or trying to get my 1100 pound pink pig, Estersue, to go back into the pasture after stomping around the back deck smushing my flower pots, or chasing down Bunzilla and her six baby zilla bunnies while trying to keep Bazil and Pesto
flamepoint cats from catching them.
And there is Dollydoodle the Bulldog who is always chasing chickens, or Tucker the goat who is chasing my Pyr pup. Then there is Valle goat who has been pretend butting the pot bellied pigs.
did I say serene?? What day? hugs Jeannie, smoinks, love,debilyn
cdb said
Mar 22, 2005
Hello Jeannie,
If there were an adult poster person for alanon, I would vote for you! :) Wow, what progress and growth you have had! Putting your kids first besides yourself is an admirable thing in my eyes. They are learning alot from you right now! I remember my now 23 year old son saying he was going to smoke a cigar in front of me when he turned 18. I told him, not in my house you are. He said he would do it out front in the yard with me watching him LOL. Well, he never did that and he isnt' even a smoker although maybe he did have a cigar sometime. But not when he was 18. He told me he was just trying to make a point later on. I remember now too when he had his first apartment and took the juice bottle out in front of his dad and drank from it and stated that it was his place and he could do that now LOL. For me these are sweet memories now of a son who has grown up to be a good human being. Thanks for sharing and keep on taking care of you! your friend in recovery , cdb :)
Ava said
Mar 26, 2005
Hey Jeannie
Boy have you had some challenges dealing with A's parents. Good on you for continuing to communicate with them and keep the doors open for them. I also admire the choices you have made and the boundries you have set with your A, it can't have been easy but your welfare and the kids welfare are of utmost importance. It made me think of that Indian saying/proverb 'If you try to look after two fires one of them will go out'
I heard myself saying the other day 'I just can't do it anymore, I have to look after myself first and foremost, and secondly my kids, I just can't look after A anymore, he is going to have to look after himself!'
Good on you for wanting a happy and healthy lifestyle for everybody it's not really a big ask (although it is if you live with an active A). I'm sure that your inlaws may not understand now but maybe they will in the future over time. They are probably finding it hard having stormy cloud (A) at their house and the simple solution for them would be to send him back to you!
I wrote a post a little while ago, and on reading it back, I realize that I was venting, and getting aggravated and letting everything get to me.
I did some thinking, and some crying and some more feeling sorry for myself, and things seem a lot clearer. I have been accused by my in-laws of being selfish and uncaring and wanting too much.
I have been hardening my heart, that is one of the reason I have had no contact with my husband. I don't want to hear his lies, or his promises, or see his smile. I don't want to be manipulated, because I either give in, or when I don't the ranting and filthy names start. So it is easier to just avoid contact. That isn't to say I don't miss him.
I also do want a lot. I want a good and healthy life for myself, my children and yes even my husband. I can't give him a good and healthy life as he has to do that himself and because of his disease is choosing not to. I also can't give the kids and I a good life if he is here and actively drinking. Did I shove my problems off on his parents, in a way yes. But they choose to baby him, they chose to let him continue drinking under their roof and not put him out.
Is it harder to throw out your own flesh and blood. I am not sure. I know they love him, but so do I. He is a part of me, as well as the father of my children and the man I stood before God with and promised to love forever. But he needs help that I can't give him, and neither can his parents and in a way they are helping him remain sick, but I can't so anything about that either.
I have had to do a lot of thinking about adult children lately. My son turns 18 in a few weeks. I overheard him having a conversation with a friend a few days ago. He was saying that soon he would be able to do as he pleased, no chores, no curfew. He would be an adult and pay rent. I sat down with him, admitted to eavesdropping and we talked about it. I told him as long as he lived under my roof, I would worry abou him(probably after as well) and he would have a curfew that was fair to both of us. I also told him, chores where a family obligation in this house, and rent or no rent, he would have them, we all contribute. I then told him if he could not live with this, then when he turned 18, he should begin looking for his own place. He laughed and hugged me, told me he knows and he was sorry he was just mouthing off to one of his friends. Even adult children need to know respect, responsibility and obligation. So yes, they choose to not put him out, they choose to allow him to live there and act badly.
They need help as much as he does, and I do. They like him, are choosing not to take it.
I am not going to take it, I will try to be kind, but I will not be badgered and afraid in my own home. I am going to tell them, they are welcomed here, but I need to live my own life, and they have no say in it. I want them to stop being my husbands mouthpieces. When he is ready to talk like an adult, I will speak with him. If I choose to move on someday, I will do it no matter what they say or do, and they have no right to judge me. I wll also invite them to a meeting, and I will keep inviting them, no matter how often they refuse, but that is the only help I can give them. It is not my place to judge them any more than I want them to judge me.
I am doing what is best for myself, my children and though he does not see it, for my husband as well. The only ones I need to answer to are God and my children and the kids agree with the path God is leading us on. Maybe someday my husband will follow, but that is not my business either.
Love Jeannie
Hello Jeannie,
If there were an adult poster person for alanon, I would vote for you! :) Wow, what progress and growth you have had! Putting your kids first besides yourself is an admirable thing in my eyes. They are learning alot from you right now! I remember my now 23 year old son saying he was going to smoke a cigar in front of me when he turned 18. I told him, not in my house you are. He said he would do it out front in the yard with me watching him LOL. Well, he never did that and he isnt' even a smoker although maybe he did have a cigar sometime. But not when he was 18. He told me he was just trying to make a point later on. I remember now too when he had his first apartment and took the juice bottle out in front of his dad and drank from it and stated that it was his place and he could do that now LOL. For me these are sweet memories now of a son who has grown up to be a good human being. Thanks for sharing and keep on taking care of you! your friend in recovery , cdb :)
Hey Jeannie
Boy have you had some challenges dealing with A's parents. Good on you for continuing to communicate with them and keep the doors open for them. I also admire the choices you have made and the boundries you have set with your A, it can't have been easy but your welfare and the kids welfare are of utmost importance. It made me think of that Indian saying/proverb 'If you try to look after two fires one of them will go out'
I heard myself saying the other day 'I just can't do it anymore, I have to look after myself first and foremost, and secondly my kids, I just can't look after A anymore, he is going to have to look after himself!'
Good on you for wanting a happy and healthy lifestyle for everybody it's not really a big ask (although it is if you live with an active A). I'm sure that your inlaws may not understand now but maybe they will in the future over time. They are probably finding it hard having stormy cloud (A) at their house and the simple solution for them would be to send him back to you!
You are doing a great job.
Prayers for you.
Ava