Ok. I've posted a couple messages before and now I need some help because I just don't know what to do.
The short version of my problem is this:
I'm getting married in 7 months in the caribbean and my boyfriend and I are paying for our families to join us. There is a group of 12 going so far. I laid it down for my dad (my A) in December and said that I want him to walk me down the aisle and be there more than anything but that if he doesn't get professional help I don't want him there....(it was the hardest thing I have ever had to say to him in my life). I also told him I cancelled his trip but there is still time to book (if he gets help). At that time he bounced between mad and not mad-saying 'I guess I'm not invited' to 'I won't disappoint you on your day'. In my heart I know he won't be there and I really don't expect him to be, because I have not seen a change with his drinking.
He's not one to talk about his problem and usually brushes the topic off by saying 'don't worry about me', 'it's not a big deal', etc, so he is very hard to talk to about this disease because he's not accepting to advise...and when he does I know he accepts it only to shut us up.
Here is my problem...I know I have told him that I cancelled his trip and I think he realizes this, but I feel like I should put the wedding topic out to him again or bring it up somehow. I don't want my wedding day to come and for him to think that I just 'forgot' about him. But I don't know how to bring it up. Whenever I bring somehting up about the wedding, the conversation stops. And he never asks about it, I always bring it up.
I just don't know how to, or if I even should bring it up again, as sort of a final reminder to him. I'm having a reception when I get back and want him to be at that, at the very least; But a week long trip is too much for me when his drinking is out of control.
How do I bring this up....or do I????
Stressing over everything BUT the wedding!
abbyal said
Mar 19, 2005
There is no need to talk to your father again , you were perfectly clear when u made your decission earlier. He knows what he has to do to be a part of your wedding, he is obviously not ready to do that. We cannot force anyone to do anything, ultimatums usually backfire and I have found that when I am trying to teach someone a lesson I am usually the one who gets the lesson. Until your father see's that what he"s doing is causing him a problem "It isn't "
Oh and it's ok to tell your dad you have changed your mind, but that means u will have to accept him just as he is , his drinking is not a reflection on you and he is not drinking at you. He drinks because he has a problem , period. good luck Louise
Ava said
Mar 20, 2005
Hi ya
This is your big day and it means a lot to you and it is perfectly reasonable of you to have boundries. I guess what you could do is say yes you can come but you would have to remain sober the whole time, this is a fair and reasonable request. You could say 'you won't be allowed' to the function if you have been drinking. He may decide that he is not capable of not drinking for the entire holiday and choose not to go. Put it back on him - shape up for big event, or stay home - Definatley not an unreasonable request.
Tough call on you though.
Try not to worry too much about it - remember it is HIS problem to deal with you didn't create it
Hope all of the other plans are going smoothly planning a wedding is v stressful!
TLC2 said
Mar 20, 2005
I agree with Ava. And he could do it! Tell him you don't want him to ruin the most important day of your life, that you really would like him to take part in it. Miracles DO happen!
Last summer, after sooo many summers having been ruined by my A's drinking, I decided I was going to have a good summer, without him. I was going to a place I had wanted to for many years.
He had always gone to his cottage, every summer, and on a big binge. It was always the same old thing. I don't know why I let it upset me so? But with the emotional strength I gained through Alanon, I was going to have a great summer!!
I told him I wanted the camper put on the truck before he went on his binge. He asked me why, and I told him. He thought it was a good idea, and wanted to go with me. I said no, but he finally talked me into it. Just before we left, I changed my mind and didn't want him to come. I told him outright that I was afraid he would get drunk and leave me someplace in the middle on nowhere! He promised me he wouldn't get drunk. I gave in, and he lived up to his word except for one little slip. I was prepared for it, and told him the next morning, when he was sober that I wanted him to take me to a bus station so I could go home. He saw I was serious. He begged for one more chance and if he slipped, that would be the end of it.
Anyway, we ended up having an absolutely wonderful vacation!! The best summer we had had since we've been together! The best Holiday I had ever had.
I think my being honest about being afraid of the outcome made all the difference in the world. Of course, everyone is different, and it may not work for some, but that is my experience.
You have all your friends here at Alanon praying for you to have the happiest day of your life, but only you know your father well enough. Alcoholism is such a baffling disease.. He may have every intention, totally meaning to do his best, but it could overtake him, we just never know!!
I hope this helped you in some way, TLC
Jeannie said
Mar 21, 2005
Hi,
Your Wedding is your day, and you have a right to what makes you happy.
You have made yourself very clear to your father and it is up to him, to decide if he can do it. You have no control over that.
But every girl dreams of Dad walking her down the aisle. If you want to take one more shot at it and tell him how important it is to you, what could it hurt.
Just be prepared that you will probably be let down. No matter what, it is your day, and you are not leaving him out of it, if he chooses to drink, he is leaving himself out of it.
Congratulations and best of luck.
Love Jeannie
joeygirl said
Mar 23, 2005
I would say what I mean and mean what I say but don't say it mean.
Ok. I've posted a couple messages before and now I need some help because I just don't know what to do.
The short version of my problem is this:
I'm getting married in 7 months in the caribbean and my boyfriend and I are paying for our families to join us. There is a group of 12 going so far. I laid it down for my dad (my A) in December and said that I want him to walk me down the aisle and be there more than anything but that if he doesn't get professional help I don't want him there....(it was the hardest thing I have ever had to say to him in my life). I also told him I cancelled his trip but there is still time to book (if he gets help). At that time he bounced between mad and not mad-saying 'I guess I'm not invited' to 'I won't disappoint you on your day'. In my heart I know he won't be there and I really don't expect him to be, because I have not seen a change with his drinking.
He's not one to talk about his problem and usually brushes the topic off by saying 'don't worry about me', 'it's not a big deal', etc, so he is very hard to talk to about this disease because he's not accepting to advise...and when he does I know he accepts it only to shut us up.
Here is my problem...I know I have told him that I cancelled his trip and I think he realizes this, but I feel like I should put the wedding topic out to him again or bring it up somehow. I don't want my wedding day to come and for him to think that I just 'forgot' about him. But I don't know how to bring it up. Whenever I bring somehting up about the wedding, the conversation stops. And he never asks about it, I always bring it up.
I just don't know how to, or if I even should bring it up again, as sort of a final reminder to him. I'm having a reception when I get back and want him to be at that, at the very least; But a week long trip is too much for me when his drinking is out of control.
How do I bring this up....or do I????
Stressing over everything BUT the wedding!
There is no need to talk to your father again , you were perfectly clear when u made your decission earlier. He knows what he has to do to be a part of your wedding, he is obviously not ready to do that. We cannot force anyone to do anything, ultimatums usually backfire and I have found that when I am trying to teach someone a lesson I am usually the one who gets the lesson. Until your father see's that what he"s doing is causing him a problem "It isn't "
Oh and it's ok to tell your dad you have changed your mind, but that means u will have to accept him just as he is , his drinking is not a reflection on you and he is not drinking at you. He drinks because he has a problem , period. good luck Louise
Hi ya
This is your big day and it means a lot to you and it is perfectly reasonable of you to have boundries. I guess what you could do is say yes you can come but you would have to remain sober the whole time, this is a fair and reasonable request. You could say 'you won't be allowed' to the function if you have been drinking. He may decide that he is not capable of not drinking for the entire holiday and choose not to go. Put it back on him - shape up for big event, or stay home - Definatley not an unreasonable request.
Tough call on you though.
Try not to worry too much about it - remember it is HIS problem to deal with you didn't create it
Hope all of the other plans are going smoothly planning a wedding is v stressful!
I agree with Ava. And he could do it! Tell him you don't want him to ruin the most important day of your life, that you really would like him to take part in it. Miracles DO happen!
Last summer, after sooo many summers having been ruined by my A's drinking, I decided I was going to have a good summer, without him. I was going to a place I had wanted to for many years.
He had always gone to his cottage, every summer, and on a big binge. It was always the same old thing. I don't know why I let it upset me so? But with the emotional strength I gained through Alanon, I was going to have a great summer!!
I told him I wanted the camper put on the truck before he went on his binge. He asked me why, and I told him. He thought it was a good idea, and wanted to go with me. I said no, but he finally talked me into it. Just before we left, I changed my mind and didn't want him to come. I told him outright that I was afraid he would get drunk and leave me someplace in the middle on nowhere! He promised me he wouldn't get drunk. I gave in, and he lived up to his word except for one little slip. I was prepared for it, and told him the next morning, when he was sober that I wanted him to take me to a bus station so I could go home. He saw I was serious. He begged for one more chance and if he slipped, that would be the end of it.
Anyway, we ended up having an absolutely wonderful vacation!! The best summer we had had since we've been together! The best Holiday I had ever had.
I think my being honest about being afraid of the outcome made all the difference in the world. Of course, everyone is different, and it may not work for some, but that is my experience.
You have all your friends here at Alanon praying for you to have the happiest day of your life, but only you know your father well enough. Alcoholism is such a baffling disease.. He may have every intention, totally meaning to do his best, but it could overtake him, we just never know!!
I hope this helped you in some way, TLC
Hi,
Your Wedding is your day, and you have a right to what makes you happy.
You have made yourself very clear to your father and it is up to him, to decide if he can do it. You have no control over that.
But every girl dreams of Dad walking her down the aisle. If you want to take one more shot at it and tell him how important it is to you, what could it hurt.
Just be prepared that you will probably be let down. No matter what, it is your day, and you are not leaving him out of it, if he chooses to drink, he is leaving himself out of it.
Congratulations and best of luck.
Love Jeannie
I would say what I mean and mean what I say but don't say it mean.
Joeygirl