I was introduced to this site through a friend of mine who says it has helped her deal with her problems. So i decided to give it a shot. I am the daughter of a long time alcoholic. My dad married my mom with a drinking problem she did not comprehend until after their vows were said. When my mother had me, it slowed the constant insults and the demeaning and crude comments toward my mother lessened. But after a few months, things were back to normal again. My mom was hiding the Jack Daniels and my dad was ranting and raving about how the house wasn't clean enough and that I was crying too much... (i was often asleep when he said this). My dad's habits included going to work, coming home, getting drunk, yelling abusively at my mother, and then sleeping it off to go to work the next morning. Towards the end of their marriage, my father got physically abusive, pushing and slapping my mom. One day he took scissors and cut up everything in my nursery, dolls, stuffed animals, pillows, lamps, wallpapers, and even my clothes. So my mom grabbed a bag, threw a few things in it and left with me and my car seat. So now, 15 years later, my father is remarried with a 3 year old son and a very poor liver. It has caused him to lay off the hard liquor and stick to beers... his next favorite. For the past 4 years, I have cried and prayed and called him, trying to maintain the relationship with my father. But he still blows me off. He claims he has no problems, and that any issues I have, I must have brought upon myself. Although I love him, I am ready to let go. But I can't bring myself to cut off ties with him or my new little brother who I love more than anything. What should I do? Let go, or do I stay in his life for my brother despite the pain it causes me to see my father? Will he change...?
debilyn said
Mar 18, 2005
Welcome sweet girl,wow you have been thru so much. I am so sad to hear of your parents being so ill.
I have learned in my old age, to change me. I can change how I look at things. My father is a dry drunk, has been all his life. I did not realize it until I came to alanon. Will he change? not likely but we don't know.
As far as letting go, we have a saying, "Let go and Let God." It works. Let go of the anger and the blame, let go of the disease and love the man. Try to find the things that are good about him.
Accept him as is.
You don't have to leave your brother and dad. You can learn to have serenity around them. I don't believe when we love someone we can really turn our back anyhow.
For me I don't allow toxic people in my life. Life is hard enough with out being put down or tore apart by a disease.
I tried to talk to my dad, but he is so phoney and surfacey, I choose not to talk to him anymore.
He too has a child. Well sorta, his phillipino wife, had a baby. He is fixed.. hmmm
Um well I would work on me. When you hear the negative bs, say in your head, I am fine just how I am. When we become more secure with our self we tend not to take the disease bs to heart.
I used to say stop and put in I am ok just how I am.
You are tortured by this, I can tell. Maybe for you, it may be to your advantage to stick to the surface with him and just love your little brother. That baby needs you, and will need you even more as your father gets sicker.
Once the liver is compromised, does not give a person long to live. And things can get pretty rough.
Alcoholism is such a horrible disease. A book that would help you to understand more is,"Getting Them Sober." Education is a big key sweet girl. The more ya learn and apply alanon, the more miracles will come to you, I promise.
Keep coming back and updating us and venting. I am so glad you found us. love,debilyn
kismetstrand said
Mar 19, 2005
Awww ((((((((girlofgod13))))))))), reading your post, you could have been describing me there at the beginning (your mom = me). I came to Al-Anon ranting and raving about "Jack Freakin Daniels" and how it just turned hubby into a monster. I am so thankful for Al-Anon and what it has taught me. My hubby does know that he has a problem, but I have learned that I cannot do anything about his problem. All I can do is work on myself, know that with the help of Al-Anon I am okay with who I am today, and continue to love unconditionally and not react in any way that helps to feed the disease. Just my learning this, and learning not to react, has resulted in a quieter, more peaceful home, and also has improved our relationship and the relationship the kids have with him.
Please keep coming back to Al-Anon. You just might find a way to wipe the slate clean of all those hurtful memories and start a pain-free new life that could very well include your little brother and your dad (even if he continues to deny he has a problem). It all revolves around our own expectations and attitudes. Come talk to/with us!
Luv, Kis
richard said
Mar 19, 2005
There sure is a lot of crap in the world, is there not. Maybe you could change your expectations because that is what is really hurting you now. Your father will change. He might not change in the ways you would expect him to change and not nearly as quickly as you would want him to change. His change for the good might only happen in his next lifetime. No one has a crystal ball. All you can change is your expectations. Perhaps, you could let your father be, let him go. You do not have to completely give him up; only put enough distance between him and you for you to be safe and free. Free… maybe to open your heart to the idea of letting in a father of choice rather than expecting your father of chance change to what you would like him to be. You could do Adult Children of Alcoholics as well as Al-anon. It is not so strange what God will put in your path when you open your heart and put yourself out there.
Hugs & Luv,
-- Edited by richard at 22:43, 2005-03-19
jna said
Mar 20, 2005
All I can say is WOW!!!! I felt like I was reading my posting! I can totally relate to you.
About 1 month ago I had been debating the same thing...'should i keep the relationship with my dad or cut the ties because his drinking hurts me too much'. I went back and forth in my head for weeks about what to do. I first decided to cut all ties (as much as it hurt) I called him up and said that I can't continue to live this way and I was detaching myself from him. This made him mad because in his mind nothing is wrong and I'm the one with the problem. After that phone call I cried for days. After not talking to him for a while I realized that this is not what I wanted. I needed a dad in my life, so I changed what I did. I called him up and told him that I wanted him in my life, but I am choosing when and how. I have set boundries for myself and have pretty much held them up. They fall sometimes, but I'm only human. I told him that I want to help him and will be here for him for whatever he needs, but I refuse to talk to him or be around him when he is drinking. He doesn't talk much about his feelings, but I know that he wants me in his life. His drinking is a problem that he has and HE has to be the one to decide if he wants to get help....if he chooses not to....well I'm still his daughter but I keep my distance. He knows that I'm here to help him when he is ready, but I know that he's not ready yet and that hurts me, but thats his choice.
I'm slowly learning to detach from him. I still talk to him and visit him, but if I call and he's drunk I tell him I'm not talking to him like this and hang up. I will call him another day. If I go to visit him and he's drunk, I turn around and go home (an hour drive).
You have to take care of YOURSELF. I know you care for your dad and little brother, but look after you first. Distance yourself and move in on your own terms.
This is something that someone told me the first time I posted something here and I think it every day! "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it"
Good luck!
Ava said
Mar 20, 2005
Hey there
Boy yourve been through the wars, what an upbringing huh. It's definatley not fun and games and there are no easy answers, my dad is an A as well and my mum has only just divorced him after 30 years of marriage! He is not yet on the water wagon and continues to blame my darling mother for all of his problems he too drinks 'Only beer.' Now the last time I checked beer was very much an alcoholic drink!
Growing up in an alcoholic home was very unsettling and chaotic the best thing I ever did was to forgive my parents for all their short comings and try to live a happy and fulfilled life - this did take me a while (actually quite a few years) until my mid twenties. I learnt that there is another way to live, a happier healthier way, they continued in chaos for 15 years and have just recently seperated. Dad is still going on benders at 53! He may recover or he may die from the drink in the end.
All that we can do is try to remember that alcoholism is a disease and that the person is sick and try to let go of the drinker and let them live their lives which ever way THEY choose to live it and love them regardless.
This site is a wealth of experience sharing and hope it is the home of many who all love and care about each other.
I was introduced to this site through a friend of mine who says it has helped her deal with her problems. So i decided to give it a shot. I am the daughter of a long time alcoholic. My dad married my mom with a drinking problem she did not comprehend until after their vows were said. When my mother had me, it slowed the constant insults and the demeaning and crude comments toward my mother lessened. But after a few months, things were back to normal again. My mom was hiding the Jack Daniels and my dad was ranting and raving about how the house wasn't clean enough and that I was crying too much... (i was often asleep when he said this). My dad's habits included going to work, coming home, getting drunk, yelling abusively at my mother, and then sleeping it off to go to work the next morning. Towards the end of their marriage, my father got physically abusive, pushing and slapping my mom. One day he took scissors and cut up everything in my nursery, dolls, stuffed animals, pillows, lamps, wallpapers, and even my clothes. So my mom grabbed a bag, threw a few things in it and left with me and my car seat. So now, 15 years later, my father is remarried with a 3 year old son and a very poor liver. It has caused him to lay off the hard liquor and stick to beers... his next favorite. For the past 4 years, I have cried and prayed and called him, trying to maintain the relationship with my father. But he still blows me off. He claims he has no problems, and that any issues I have, I must have brought upon myself. Although I love him, I am ready to let go. But I can't bring myself to cut off ties with him or my new little brother who I love more than anything. What should I do? Let go, or do I stay in his life for my brother despite the pain it causes me to see my father? Will he change...?
Awww ((((((((girlofgod13))))))))), reading your post, you could have been describing me there at the beginning (your mom = me). I came to Al-Anon ranting and raving about "Jack Freakin Daniels" and how it just turned hubby into a monster. I am so thankful for Al-Anon and what it has taught me. My hubby does know that he has a problem, but I have learned that I cannot do anything about his problem. All I can do is work on myself, know that with the help of Al-Anon I am okay with who I am today, and continue to love unconditionally and not react in any way that helps to feed the disease. Just my learning this, and learning not to react, has resulted in a quieter, more peaceful home, and also has improved our relationship and the relationship the kids have with him.
Please keep coming back to Al-Anon. You just might find a way to wipe the slate clean of all those hurtful memories and start a pain-free new life that could very well include your little brother and your dad (even if he continues to deny he has a problem). It all revolves around our own expectations and attitudes. Come talk to/with us!
Luv, Kis
There sure is a lot of crap in the world, is there not. Maybe you could change your expectations because that is what is really hurting you now. Your father will change. He might not change in the ways you would expect him to change and not nearly as quickly as you would want him to change. His change for the good might only happen in his next lifetime. No one has a crystal ball. All you can change is your expectations. Perhaps, you could let your father be, let him go. You do not have to completely give him up; only put enough distance between him and you for you to be safe and free. Free… maybe to open your heart to the idea of letting in a father of choice rather than expecting your father of chance change to what you would like him to be. You could do Adult Children of Alcoholics as well as Al-anon. It is not so strange what God will put in your path when you open your heart and put yourself out there.
Hugs & Luv,
-- Edited by richard at 22:43, 2005-03-19
All I can say is WOW!!!! I felt like I was reading my posting! I can totally relate to you.
About 1 month ago I had been debating the same thing...'should i keep the relationship with my dad or cut the ties because his drinking hurts me too much'. I went back and forth in my head for weeks about what to do. I first decided to cut all ties (as much as it hurt) I called him up and said that I can't continue to live this way and I was detaching myself from him. This made him mad because in his mind nothing is wrong and I'm the one with the problem. After that phone call I cried for days. After not talking to him for a while I realized that this is not what I wanted. I needed a dad in my life, so I changed what I did. I called him up and told him that I wanted him in my life, but I am choosing when and how. I have set boundries for myself and have pretty much held them up. They fall sometimes, but I'm only human. I told him that I want to help him and will be here for him for whatever he needs, but I refuse to talk to him or be around him when he is drinking. He doesn't talk much about his feelings, but I know that he wants me in his life. His drinking is a problem that he has and HE has to be the one to decide if he wants to get help....if he chooses not to....well I'm still his daughter but I keep my distance. He knows that I'm here to help him when he is ready, but I know that he's not ready yet and that hurts me, but thats his choice.
I'm slowly learning to detach from him. I still talk to him and visit him, but if I call and he's drunk I tell him I'm not talking to him like this and hang up. I will call him another day. If I go to visit him and he's drunk, I turn around and go home (an hour drive).
You have to take care of YOURSELF. I know you care for your dad and little brother, but look after you first. Distance yourself and move in on your own terms.
This is something that someone told me the first time I posted something here and I think it every day! "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it"
Good luck!
Hey there
Boy yourve been through the wars, what an upbringing huh. It's definatley not fun and games and there are no easy answers, my dad is an A as well and my mum has only just divorced him after 30 years of marriage! He is not yet on the water wagon and continues to blame my darling mother for all of his problems he too drinks 'Only beer.' Now the last time I checked beer was very much an alcoholic drink!
Growing up in an alcoholic home was very unsettling and chaotic the best thing I ever did was to forgive my parents for all their short comings and try to live a happy and fulfilled life - this did take me a while (actually quite a few years) until my mid twenties. I learnt that there is another way to live, a happier healthier way, they continued in chaos for 15 years and have just recently seperated. Dad is still going on benders at 53! He may recover or he may die from the drink in the end.
All that we can do is try to remember that alcoholism is a disease and that the person is sick and try to let go of the drinker and let them live their lives which ever way THEY choose to live it and love them regardless.
This site is a wealth of experience sharing and hope it is the home of many who all love and care about each other.
Please come back asap
Chin up
Ava