Hi all, Big, huge, heavy dilemma here. Help! I have had my ex-As cat for a year since we broke up. I agreed to this, knowing she would take him at the end of this month. However, she just got a new job and is commuting. She'll move June 1. And now she has asked me in an indirect way to keep the cat until she moves, something like, "let me know if I can bribe you to keep the cat for an extra two months" Indirect communication -- our old patterns -- YUCK. So, do i keep the cat because I like him and he's no trouble to me really? Since she is moving and all. Or, do I stick to my boundary because it's gonna be hard enough to leave the cat I love too -- so what's the sense/love in delaying the inevitable? Or, do I not respond at all because she didn't ask me directly anyway? To make things more complicated, I was going to get my own cat at the end of March but have decided I am not ready for that responsibility/financial burden. I have a small fear I am backing out on my own cat ownership simply so I CAN keep her cat until she's ready to have him on some subconcious level... the whole thing is making me crazy. Any suggestions would be helpful. Is this just her taking advantage of me again and me letting her do that? Or, have I grown enough that this is just really about my desire for the cat not to have to go move again? (I really do love the cat). Help. I'm stuck and paralyzed by the disease of alcoholism right now. Also, there is no chance of reconcilliation. She is still with the woman she cheated on me with... -- Jessi

Jessi..

I once had a dilemna once, and couldn't see what the right thing to do would be.  I have a tendency to make things much harder then they really are. 

A much more experienced alononer simply asked me, "What do YOU want to do"?  With that question, I took back control, whether it was the right or wrong thing didn't matter because it was what "I" wanted to do. 

I hope that simplifies it as easily for you as it did for me.

your friend,

Christy

It seems to me, if you give the cat up now or later, it'll still hurt.  So ask yourself, is this cat a burden to you now?  Or do you get some love & comfort for having the cat?

Ask her what she wants to do with the cat, but.........if you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask..... Or you could be decisive and suggest what you want (keep the cat awhile longer, or 2 years, or give the cat back now). 

As far as another cat, well, the responsiblity is going to have to be there.  Although, there are shelters with low or free fees, which even neuter/spade them.  No one says you have to get another cat when this one leaves, or even get another cat at all.  Some people have two cats, twice the responsibility, but twice the love. 

I'm a owner of 2 dogs.  Always have had 2 dogs in my life.  One is older than the other.  Each unique in personality.  Twice the work, but four times the love.    Ask yourself many questions, you'll hear your answer.    

Jessi, Sometimes it is what it is, nothing more nothing less. Occasionally I have to ask myself, am I working my self up, where there probably is no need. For me I guess I could make it huge and heavy if I wish, but I got to think, is this doing me any good? Maybe I’m struggling with letting go, and that’s ok, its natural we all do. I guess if it were me, and it was no problem for me, I do enjoy the cat and it would not put an emotional burden on me, then I guess I’d say yes. If it does create a problem, or is part of my detachment or makes it harder to let go, it’s no. Simple as that. Yea easy for me to say huh, lol I know you will do whats right for you and ya won’t go wrong, then give yourself a smile cause ya did. Mark S

Jessie,

Me personally would do what I want. I love the cat right so do for the cat and myself. While I was reading I put myself in the situation and ended up immagining a conversation where I decuided that I love this cat so say I want to keep the cat even though it is hers and not mine but hey she is here and has been for so long and figure that if she really wanted the cat she would have taken it by now. Just me though...

Do what is best for you. Make it on your terms.

JJ

Does she really want the cat?  Would she agree to you keeping the cat permanently?

I agree with above comments asking What do You want?  The only thing that hit me, and this is because I am such an animal lover, is that to me my pets are about as important as my kids.  They aren't "throwaways" anymore than my kids are.  I took them in, I took the responsibility of having them and caring for them until they die.  Period.  That's just how I am.  Been around animals long enough to see that they do have feelings, just like you and me.  One of my dogs, who we rescued from the shelter (literal skin and bones), has abandonment issues.  We've had her since October '02, and I can still see glimpses of that fear in her.  She will still tremble and cower if I raise my voice at her the slightest bit.  This is the same dog, who when my hubby was walking her with the girls, and my youngest girl stuck her hand in a the mouth of a snarling bear statue, was ready to take that bear on to defend her girl!  My hubby had to hold her back and then show her it was a fake bear. 

I realize it's not your cat, that it is your A's cat.  I just hope that however this situation of yours gets resolved, that the cat too will be okay.  Like I said, I kinda view them the same as kids/family.  (((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Luv, Kis

 Well, if it were me, I'd say by such and such a date, you pick it up.  After that date, the cat is mine.

(mine to keep or adopt out to a loving home).  I am not a perfect alanoner, but I do things like this (grin, grin)

I was faced with this dilehma when my ex moved out and he was nasty and mean, but insisted I keep his dog because he couldn't take the dog with him to an apartment.... I KNEW that this all really wasnt' even about the dog, but the underlying thoughts of IF I had his dog, then there would always be that connection between the two of us.  It was his way of always having a reason to contact me in the future.  It was difficult, but I knew for me to go threw the grieving process that I would have to severe ALL ties to him and insisted that he just take his dog, give the dog to his mom or someone in his family.   It was interesting to find that once I became firm on not keeping the dog, he got irrate with me and even terrible with the dog, indicating that he should just shoot the dog because he can't take care of her, blah, blah, blah... It became clear to me that this person, who had always appeared to have compassion towards his dog, when pressured showed his true intention and that was to let me keep the dog in an attempt to manipulate me further and keep the doors of communication open just so he would always have that connection with me.   I must admit, I wanted that too, but knew that if he went to this extreme to keep me, instead of acknowledging his issues and respecting me for all that had occured, giving me MY space and My time without using manipulative ways to stay in my life was just a continuation of an abusive situation.  Consicously or not, it was not healthy and so I had to severe completely all ties so that I could go through the grieving process, learn from how I contributed negatively to all of this and heal from it.   Always knowing that until I learn from my mistakes, I will always choose the same kind of relationships.  Take Care and hang in there..... :)

My experience, being a farm rescue sanctuary,....if we love our animals as part of our family, we treat them as such. What if this cat was her kid? Animals are not to be tossed here and there at our convenience. She does not sound like a person that is responsible for her cat. My first thought is for this kitty that you love. I would keep the cat period. Sounds like she is using it to get to you anyway. She does not deserve this baby. Sorry but had to clean up so many messes from people like this I am jaded. My experience with the A in my life is he is not responsible enough to have a cat. He relapses or lives at mommys, cannot afford it etc. His coming back and forth seeing his dog he left here made the dog literally go crazy, and I had to put him down. It was awful. He used to take Max to work with him and everywhere. That dog idolized him. When he would come and go, Max would chew up the house if I left him here. He began killing my animals, he was so messed up. The last straw was I took him to work and he growled at the principal... It is not good on animals to bond then be thrown away. They can only take so much. Same with cats. I had two who were nine and the dumb people had a kid and the dad told the wife, to get rid of the cats. They never calmed down and would attack me. I felt so sorry for them. They were so spoiled then they have a baby.... rrrr Anyhow I finally gave them to god, put them in the barn with all their stuff, and gavem to god. The male is still here. The female, ? He is not real happy but has adjusted. Think of the cat, it has been there a year with you. I will tell ya, I will make a bet with you, if you pass it back again it will start having bad behaviors. spraying, digging in plants etc. They need routine. I have all kinds of animals and they thrive on routine and knowing who their human is. Hugs~~ love,debilyn