I posted this questions on another forum in this website and it was suggested I post the same here...

My wife drinks a bottle of wine a night (25 ounces). Sometimes she drinks a little more. She does this EVERY night. We have heated discussions regarding her consumption, but she continues to consume as much even though she knows it bothers me. She doesn't usually get drunk. She doesn't drive or anything else to put anyone in potential harm's way. But, I still don't believe it's ok to consume 5-6 times what is suggested a moderate drinker of wine consumes. Our bedroom actually smells at night because of the wine she's consumed. I've actually considered divorcing my wife over this. She says she can control her drinking. If she can, then I've concluded she just trying to make me mad by drinking so much. We have a nine year old son I'm concerned about if I should leave my wife. What can I do? Where can I go to attend an Alanon meeting?

Thanks,

William

Welcome William, Glad you found us!  We have meetings in the chat room Monday thru Friday at 9 a.m. and 9 p.m. eastern time.  Saturday at 10 a.m. and 9 p.m. eastern time.  Sunday at 10 a.m. and 7 p.m. eastern time.  You can also find local meetings by going to this website and choosing your state. http://www.al-anon.org/meetings/meeting.html  When meetings are not being held in the chat room (they last one and a half hours), the room is open for open chat and usually there is someone there.  This is a great time to come in and talk and ask questions, etc. 

As for leaving, no one can answer that for you.  We suggest you give Alanon some time first.  The reason for this, is because our own thinking gets distorted (without us realizing it), and in Alanon we learn to think clearly and are then better able to make a major decision like that.  Many of us have found that in using the Alanon "tools" we are able to remain in our relationship and be happy and serene.  We learn to act rather than to react. 

I didn't know much about the disease of alcoholism, how it affected me personally, until I came to Alanon on the verge of divorce myself.  It's been a journey in self-discovery.  In my case, I have been able to remain with my husband and our life together and with the kids is better.  This is all due to what I have learned here.  Others do end up leaving, it all depends on the individual circumstances.  Keep coming back!  Hope to see you in chat!

Yours in Recovery, Kis

Welcome William

 

You are in the right spot. Alanon is a wonderful tool to help those of us disturbed by anothers alcohol consumption

Hi William and welcome. If her drinking is causing a problem for you, then it IS a problem. Can you get to a local Al Anon meeting? You should see the listing in the newspaper of dates, place, and times. Try to do that. Good luck; my positive thoughts go with you. Diva

Hi and welcome,

I agree with what others have said that no one can tell you to stay or leave except you. Unless of course there is violence or danger, then obviously you have to put your safety first.

If you are having a problem with your Wifes drinking, then there is a problem. You are in the right place.

Here you will not find the answer to stopping her drinking, but you can learn how to deal with it and how it makes you feel. You can learn tools to make yourself happy, create boundaries and in time with your healthy reactions there is a possibility she may stop, if not, you can be ready to decide what to do next.

There are a lot of things to read, on alcoholic marriages and how to help yourslef. Through meetings, reading and working ht esteps, you can gain the strength to make the right decisions and be happy.

Keep coming back

                          Love Jeannie

Hi

All the suggestions are right on track.  The library or bookstore also has some wonderful reading.

"How al anon works..."     explains how this program works.....pretty good book

"Paths to recovery"    explains about the 12 steps in detail.....pretty good book

"Courage to Change" & "One day at a time in al anon"  are daily readers.  A page a day, sort of exercise for the mind.  I like them both. 

 

William, I am glad you found us here. Al-Anon, as some others have stated, is a program of recovery for anyone who is BOTHERED by drinking in a family member or close friend. Based on your post, I'd say you definitely qualify. The best thing you can do for yourself, wife and son is to give Al-Anon a chance to present a miracle in your life. I don't mean to imply your wife will stop drinking or that anything in your home will change, but I can tell you that changes attitudes make a HUGE difference in recovery. As we say at meetings, try Al-Anon for 6 to 8 meetings and if you don't like it we'll refund your misery. It's okay for you to be confused and frustrated right now. You are in a hard situation. If you allow yourself to know that and acknowledge it, it will get better. And remember, it's okay to wait for clarity on a decision from your HP. Things happen exactly when they are supposed to unfold. Take care, get to a meeting and read some of the CAL -- conference approved literature. Love and hugs, Jessi

Thank you all very much for your encouraging messages. I'm sure I can make time to attend meetings. I believe it would help to discuss this with people in a similar situation.

Thank God I'm not in a violent situation. I'm only concerned because of the apparent power of wine over my wife. Although, the cost of a bottle a night gets pretty steep. I don't drink at all, so I don't know that I'm always objective, but $4,000 a year is a bit much for drinking (that doesn't include beer at a football game, basketball game, a night out on the town, etc.). Again, my biggest concern is my wife's health. Based on some of the information I've read on the Internet I know she's drinking 5-6 times what a moderate drinker drinks. I'm concerned for her health and I don't want me son to think it's ok to drink from late afternoon untill it's time for bed.

Thanks again for all the messages. I hope you all have a great weekend.

William

Hi ya

I totally know where you are coming from.  I asked myself the same questions for a very long time about my husband (we have only been married for 4 years).

Am I imagining this problem?

Is he really drinking too much?

What is too much any way?

Why does he have to drink so much?

But everybody drinks why is his drinking more of a problem than Joe Bloggs drinking?

Maybe I'm just being a drama queen and exagerrating a problem that doesn't exist?

It was when he drank my cooking sherry and was falling alseep drunk on the sofa for what seemed liked endless months that i woke up and faced the reality of the situation.  The thing with people who have a drink problem is that the drink means a lot more to them than it does to the other drinkers.  It comes first and foremost and they will tell you till the cows some home that they don't have a problem and they can stop any time they want and so on and so forth.

If it is causing you problems then it is most definatly a problem, if the drinking is EVERY night its definalty a problem, if the drinker cannot even consider having a few weeks off then it is a real problem.  It is very fustrating for the partner of an alcoholic when the alcoholic denies denies denies this is called the MERRY GO ROUND named denial.

You are so in the right place, we are all here with very similiar problems and we help each other with experience sharing and hope.  This is my home of hope and love.  Please keep coming back, the meetings are great and the message board and chat room are fantastic.  Don't worry about what your A thinks about her drinking, a lot of A's deny they have a problem for years and years.  My A has been drinking heavily for his whole life hides the alcohol around the house and he still doesn't think he has a problem!

You didn't cause it!

You can't control it!

You can't cure it!

Come back soon....

Ava