I am pretty frustrated - if I am working on myself and have no control over the alcoholic then why shouldn't the spouses just leave the alcoholic especially if they do not have children?  If I just left than I could work on myself without having the alcoholic to distract me and also knowing that if he does not love himself than he sure the hell cannot love me.  If Al-Anon is all about loving yourself, why don't we love ourselves enough to get out of a sick situation and know we deserve more than a spouse who does not really "love" us.  I know this is totally negative but doesnt it make some sense though?  It is like, why do we have to wait to go through all 12 steps to realize we deserve more than this?  Does anyone have any answers or experiences they would like to share?  I need something to calm the angry voice inside me.

I have wondered this many times. Why stay and feel horible about myself why let this disease ruien my life. I have left and felt just as miserable, terrified and in my case I have kids and feel horible for them when they have a dad that is never available. Sometimes I feel like a horrible person and mother for staying. I question this lots and feel weak... I am strong and with the help of alanon and my work on myself I have found happiness in me, I can smile and hugg my kids and feel love again for my ah. I know that he loves me although incapable of showing it to me as I would like it shown or would like to feel it from him. I have recognised that he shows his love in ways such as actions of providing for us and being supportive of my decision to go to alanon. It has taken this journey for me to recognise these things and yes I am sure I will question myself and our relationship and wonder why do I stay as I walk this journey I am on.

What has happened in the last 3 months is I have changed and become happy again and in my changing and understanding we have not had a fight, we get along better, he is nicer and he is sober more often I noticed all of these changes before I told him about alanon and that I am going to meetings for help. Now on meeting nights he is home and gives me a kiss and says that he hopes it helps and that I have a good time. I think that this is progress!!! for both of us.

What you said does make sence to me and the reason I have stayed in the past is fear of failure and the fact that I do love my husband although at times I forget why I love him. Right now I am making no decisions as to my future I am concentrating on me and getting my life back on track and finding ME again.

I wish the best for you in what ever you do. I hope that you find what you need for you.

Love in recovery
JJ

Well thats a really good question.  And some people do leave.  Others, like myself, stay.  Why?  As it says in the Preamble: "We believe alcoholism is a family illness, and that changed
attitudes can aid recovery."  This is my 3rd marriage.  My 1st husband smoked pot, my 2nd husband was/is an alcoholic, and yes, I married another alcoholic the 3rd time around.  We have been married over 5 years now.  I just found Al-Anon less than a year and a half ago.  (November 1st, 2003)  I didn't understand what alcoholism, the disease, was when I married my current husband.  We used to go out, have some drinks, have a lot of fun together.  I knew his whole family drank, but I just wasn't "seeing" that he had a drinking problem like say his brother who really drank a lot.  After all, my hubby held a very good job, was highly functional, was the one the whole family turned to to "fix" things, and he only drank in the evenings.  So where was the problem? Hahaha...well, the problem started showing itself shortly after we got married.  I didn't want to go out all the time, we had my kids (8 years to 13 years old at that time) living with us, I wanted to stay home and have some quiet family evenings.  Sure, he would stay home, but he'd drink, then he'd get mad over something, then we'd end up arguing, then the verbal abuse would start, then he'd finally pass out while I continued to stew or cry, next day he wouldn't remember a thing and I'd be all upset.  It went from bad to worse (although there were some good times in there too), until finally one day I knew I had to do something because I hated my life, I hated the person I was.  That's the day I found Al-Anon.  I came in, I told them about the fights, the verbal abuse.  They'd ask me how did I act/react when he was drinking.  I told them, nagging, b*tching, crying, pleading, etc.  They said "How's that working for you?"  Ha! Obviously it wasn't.  They told me about Detachment, about focusing on myself.  They helped me see how "sick" I had become.  They gave me hope that it could change, that it could get better.  I had nothing to lose, so I decided to give these program tools a try.  I stopped all my reactions to his drinking.  I brought my anger here to the room, rather than take it out on my hubby.  I began to be able to laugh again, and then I began to be able to smile and laugh again with my hubby.  As I got better...so did he!  The verbal abuse stopped.  We still have our disagreements, but they are now held in calm voices where we discuss things until we reach an agreement.  The person I am today is very different than the person I was when I first walked into the door of Al-Anon.  "We believe alcoholism is a family illness, and that changed attitudes can aid recovery."  My changed attitudes have aided my recovery.  My changed attitudes are aiding my hubby in his fight towards recovery.  He is learning to love himself.  We say in Al-Anon, "We'll love you until you can love yourself."  We say this to newcomers.  I take that saying and apply it with him too.  Thats the nice thing of Al-Anon, you can apply the program to any and everything.  I used to allow his disease to hurt me emotionally.  I don't allow that anymore.  I know it is the disease, not him.  I know to not participate on the rare occasions that he gets that way now and wants to start a verbal fight.  I refuse to participate and the fight never happens.  My unhappiness used to make him worse.  It caused him to feel more guilt than he already felt, and that made him respond with anger.  I am not "feeding" the disease anymore by my own "sick" behavior.  I refuse to contribute to it.  I "program talk" to and with my hubby now.  My husband loves me.  He's learning to show that love once again.  I believe in miracles.  I believe he can find recovery.  With Al-Anon, the support I get here, I can live in this marriage as it is now and still be happy.  I don't have to quit 5 minutes before the Miracle happens....I'm seeing that miracle happening for me already, and I believe it can happen for him too.  What's love got to do with it?  Everything.

Luv, Kis

Estrelladehope, Yep leaving is an option. If this option is what you have decided is the only answer, or this is really what you want, the choice is yours. Something I have to remember myself is that I will take me anywhere I go. Ya know A pretty smart gal very recently said to me… “I feel like God is really challenging me to better myself and I am ready to take the challenge.” For me it’s the need to let the head clear of the noise, how am I going to do that, some time and truly working on myself. I believe then, if and when I make any decision of this nature, that I will be at peace with it and know it was right for me and what I really want. I may have to make that decision myself, but when and if I do, I want to know I did it with a sober mind and not what the disease wants me to believe. You are the only one to truly know your situation, guess that’s why it’s your decision. Look past the clouds at the beautiful sky and smile. Mark S

Mark - Everytime I read any of your postings, it just lifts my spirit!!!  You really are incredible and I truly appreciate the time you take to write your posts since yours really made my day!!!  I really have to get over the past and the negative aspects since I seem to dwell on them easily.  The affection thing just bugs me when I allow it and I really need to learn how to turn it off.  You seem so strong by your posts and I know you are in a tougher situation than I am so I am so glad you have time to come here and post. 

Yes, I have my doubts but instead of being indecisive, I need to just take that stand of taking on the challenge of bettering myself instead of giving up and then blaming it on him.  I seem to realize that one of my faults is that when it gets tough then I want to just find a way out and then blame it on someone else instead of myself.  All my past relationships seem to be very similar - I am totally in love and love the way I feel with that person but once it gets hard or I lose that wonderful feeling I have about myself then I leave.  The past relationship lasted for 4 years and I finally ended it bc of religious conflicts - he was not going to change and I was not going to change so it had to end, but you see I stuck with it for 4 years just hoping something would be different - pretty crazy!!!  Anyway, my husband gives me hope since I know he wants to change and maybe one day he will learn to love himself. 

What is so hard is that for some reason I thought life was not so hard.  But I am slowly growing up and realizing that life is HARD - that relationships are not easy - that it just does not all come together and things just do not come to you.  Honestly, I have never really worked hard and given something 110% - I am a procrastinator and lazy, unmotivated, and it kills me.  I think that is why I have all these feelings of wanting to leave since it seems hard - another reason I guess I have not started working the steps and finding a sponsor - bc that is work and something I actually have to DO.  I have no idea what happened to me but I certainly do not like it!!!!  This time I am going to give it my all to help myself and then I will be better able to deal with my life.

Again, thank you, Mark!!!!

estrelladhope,

I think I just watched you transform before my eyes  :)

It sounds like you've done some deep thinking and know where your weaknesses lie.  Just knowing that is a great start.

Good Luck on your journey..

The book 12 Steps and 12 Traditions explains everything and makes doing the steps a bit easier.  It's great for us self professed procrastinators.

A friend in recovery,

Christy

 

 

I guess in our throw away society, this is not such a strange question. for me I love who I love and it does not die. My husband is not anymore a throw away than my children. He has a horrible disease. I made promises to him. "thru sickness and health" was one of them. alcoholism is a sickness. i would not leave him if he had cancer, nor will I leave him becuz he is an a. If it were my mom or child I would not question if I would keep them or not. this is just my experience. All I know is I love this man, and I love him even more now, and he is sicker than he has ever been. He has moved in with his mom. But I go see him and he comes up here. I hug him and tell him I love him. I feel how warm and alive he is. I look at him in the eyes and tell him I love him just the way he is. I may not ever be able to live with him again, but I still respect him for the good he has done, and for the battle that poor guy has every moment of his life. Love,debilyn

Hi

At one point in my life I removed myself from these people who will not help themselves.  I left & never looked back.  Now I was alone, but without those problems.  So, I started a new life with new people in my life, with new problems.  So here I am again today.  I thought of leaving, but I've done that before & ended up right back to where I've started.  So I thought I needed a new plan, a new approach to life.  I've recently gone to al anon for another one of these people who won't help themselves.  I have learned so much from al anon already.  My biggest learning experience was that we are all human.  None of us are perfect.  We can be better, but never perfect.  We all have some sort of affliction, diseaese, problem, etc.  Other than danger to life, I've decided to stay in their lives. I realized thru al anon, that I too have faults.  I too am not perfect, and until now I wasn't really helping myself either.  I was enbrieating my life with someone else's drinks.  So  I've decided until I am perfect, and have no more faults, I will then give up on these people.  

A feeling today does not have to be acted upon today.  I allow myself some anger, or sad thougths too, but then I move on with something good.  I am glad you recognize your feelings of frustration.  It is ok to vent & voice yourself, but listen to yourself when you do, and follow it up with something good for yourself.  Hope you have a good day.  

debilyn

I like you reply!  Keep loving & living & working the steps.

ty. it is just how my life has become after living alanon for five years now. I never realized what serenity meant. After many trials and errors it all comes natural now. ty love,debilyn

I've actually been analyzing this of myself during the on/off relationship I've had with my ex a the past 3 years, as I KNEW this relationship was the ONE that God was trying to teach me a lesson about myself, but didn't know what it was....  It was interesting because all throughout the relationship, each time I broke up with him, I didn't feel a peace about it after a time and felt so badly for how I had gotten angry with him.  This would ALWAYS cause me to reconcile, call him (he rarely called me)  :(  Now I realize that it was only me holding on and that he could just walk away so easily-- a hard realization to accept, but I finally did on January 7th, this year, which would be the last day I ever talk with him.  I don't think I'll EVER forget that day though.  :(  It was one of the most difficult of my life because something inside me knew THIS time would be it, that I had learned the lesson that God was trying to teach me and it was time to move on.  It still hurts today, but I have a peace about it.  What I have learned and recognized of myself is that I was struggling with in this relationship mostly was maintaining my relationship with God.  I learned that throughout most of my life, I chose relationships primarily because I felt the need to help others to feel good about myself.  Although, with this last I had already some insight on this within myself and felt this was a way I could apply all I had learned about myself and remain in a relationship and be strong despite the other persons behavior.  I continued to fight myself and my reactions to his unhealthy ways and found as time progressed I would often lose that battle.  With each breakup, the strength would return and I'd find peace in my relationship with God and then feel I could again try the relationship again.  All the while, thinking THAT was the lesson God was having me learn-- to be strong despite him and love him despite being treated in a way that God didn't want me to be treated, yet still find my strength in God to get me through AND remain in the relationship.  After all, if I walked away then it would appear that I was better than him or selfish.  Each time I broke up with him, I had felt I failed what God wanted, which was for me to love my ex a unconditionally and be there for him as God is there for me.  Which ALWAYS brought me right back to the relationship again only to go through the same pain again. 

It wasn't until I prayed and asked God to help me with what was going on because I was so confused, that it occured to me that the entire time I was asking God for strength to hang onto this relationship, my prayers were wrong.  My prayers shouldn't have focused on the relationship with my a, but with my relationship with God, who ultimately is in control of our life.  I continued to pray for His and my relationship and in doing so, as I began falling back to my unhealthy behaviors in trying to control my a, something finally clicked and I found peace in making the choice to walk away from him, with acceptance that it will be indefinitely.  My eyes were opened to the realization that praying for a relationship with a person who didn't take our relationship seriously enough to have God as the source of it, was like a addict praying for more of their addictive substance.  Essentially, I was praying to God for a relationship I wanted, rather than focusing on what it was that God knows I need. 

I was holding onto the hope in a person who is addicted to drugs and alcohol, instead of holding onto God and trusting Him to take care of my ex a and myself individually.  It isn't up to me to teach anyone a lesson, just work on my relationship with God..... THAT'S IT!  :) 

Although, I have my moments missing my a, I have peace in my relationship with God and myself most of the time.  He knows my tears, heartache and longings and often times my repentence for regressing back to learned behaviors of "needing" a man in my life becaues of so much neglect I had as a child. 

I thank God each day for giving me strength in knowing His love for me and know that my life is complete ONLY in that... whatever I'm faced with until eternity in this lifetime, I ALWAYS know that God has my best interest and if I turn focus from unhealthy relationships or circumstances to Him, he will make my paths straight.  :)))  Hope this offers some insight. 

I write this on a day that is most difficult for me as well because today is the day, (St. Paddy's Day, 2002) that my ex a and I got together officially.  In addition, I happen to be at a hospital for testing this morning two blocks from where him and I met at a job I used to have with him, and seen his mother pass by twice in the hallway of the hospital because she works there.  We didn't talk.  Actually, I don't think she even knew who I was because she is such an alcoholic herself, often seems a bit spacey.  It was difficult and I found myself praying in the waiting room that she wasn't the person who would handle my admitting because I wasn't certain how I would be having that presented to me.  Of course, I would have to ask how my ex a was and I played it in my mind, as I prayed... and sure enough, it didn't happen--- I got someone else.  I thanked God once again for intervening in my life.    He knows my pain and offers complete healing unlike any other.  There won't be a day that goes by that I will not be thankful for all He has given me.

Take Care and hang in there.  God knows better than we do what is good for us...   Just as most healthy parents know whats best for their children and try to teach them through discipline and guidance. 

 

-- Edited by sanddie at 19:03, 2005-03-17

To Kis,

wonderful reply, I believe too!

Hi ya

I too struggled with this one initially.  Do you know that song by the sex pistols? 'Should I stay or should I go now'  It's quite a good one.

All I know is that the happier I am and the more love I give to my A and the less I am affected by his behaviour the happier and more contented he his.  The main difficulty I find is the lack of responsibility on his part for running the household and dealing with normal day to day problems.  I just have to expect nothing and keep telling myself that he is sick and struggling with his inner demons, any help I do get from him is a bonus.  Today I made him some lovely cheese and crackers and delivered them to him in his 'drinking room' as the roast dinner was going to be a little later than expected, he was so grateful and happy.  It was just a little thing on my part but it was kind and thoughtful and giving.

You just never know whats going to happen around the corner, my A has sold our family home & is moving to the other end of the country as he believes that will cure all ills!  He has no family there and no job to go to.  I have decided not to go at the moment and have said that if my son and I do decide to join him things will have to change!

He's kind of leaving us!

I don't know if I am doing the right thing not moving with him all I know is that I have to look after me first, my son second, and my A - well he's a big boy.  I have handed everything over to my HP.

Chin up

Ava