Hi, after another bad weekend, I thought I would find a site where I could tell my story. I seem to be a magnet for alcoholics! I apologize for this long message ahead of time. Anyway, here it is: I was married for about nine years to a "weekend alcoholic" and the last few years were hell. My ex-husband would come home drunk just about every Friday, Saturday and Sunday around 6pm. He would either want to argue about something or he would complain if the house wasn't perfect. I work full time and I would be taking care of our little boy while he was out drinking so of course the house would be a little messy. I couldn't take it anymore so I finally divorced him.

Two months ago, I got married again and guess what?? I'm sure this one is an alcoholic too. I suspected for the year we were together before we got married, but I think I ignored all of the signs. He drinks every day and more on weekends, he's been called an alcoholic by at least five other people, his biological dad and adoptive dad are both alcoholics, he has whole conversations that he doesn't remember when he's drinking, and the worst part is the crabby attitude I have to deal with when he comes home on Fridays. My new husband is not as hot-headed as my ex, but he's giving me the same crap about the house being a mess when he comes home after being on the road all week. I gave him three options: hire a maid, get a second job and I'll stay home or leave. It's because of his credit problems we can't move to a bigger house where there is actually room to store things.

He lies about going to the bar, but I drive past and find his truck there. He lies about what time he got home from work on Fridays so he can sit in the bar. He won't call me on the way home from work on Fridays because he doesn't want me to know what time he's getting into town. He lies about how many drinks he's had.

He would like to have a baby and I told him there is no way. I'm not taking care of a baby all by myself while he sits in a bar and gets drunk. Not again. Then he gets mad at me for comparing him to my ex-husband, but if he wouldn't act like him, I wouldn't need to compare them!

I plan on attending Al-Anon, but I'm sick of dealing with alcoholics and their selfishness. I don't even want to go to Al-Anon. I do need some support though...

Thanks for listening...

Lindy

Boy, I hear you about not wanting to go to Al Anon.  I felt the same way.  Why should I spend my time going to those meetings when I don't have a problem.  I haven't gone to many meetings, but I have gone to some and have posted and read on this board.  I guess going to the meetings, reading the literature and so on, have all helped me, so maybe it was worth it.  I divorced my first husband, father of my daughter, he was/is an alcoholic also and I am now dealing with my daughter who is having some problems with drugs and drinking.  In addition to Al Anon I was able to get some individual consuling that was very helpful in helping me see what part I played in these relationships and what things I needed to work on for my own self improvement. 

Lindy,

It doesn't sound like you are comparing husbands, just diseases.  I think you'll find some help distinguishing the two here and ways to deal with it.

I'd like to invite you to the chat here on the site.  There's a wealth of info for "you". 

There are also daily meetings.

(Mornings)
Mon., Tues., Wed. & Fri. 9AM
(Nightly Meetings)
Mon.-Sat. - 9PM
Sun.-7PM
(Open for General Chat between meetings)

Take care, and welcome

Christy

 

 

Hi Lindy, I so relate. I'm glad u r here working on you. Al anon is about you. Embrace the healing that awaits you here. I'm glad you find our site. Regards in healing, its kinda stunning to find out it's happened, again; I know. Wille

We all have a tendency to look for the exact same kind of person over and over again.  We all think we're learning from our mistakes but we get taken in time after time.  My friends tell me if I ever get divorced and want someone new, that I didn't get to pick her.  They said you just sit back, we'll find someone for you and tell you when the relationship has started. lol  They probably have a better idea what would work for me than I do, unfortunately!   I only been coming here a week or so and I have found great inspiration, keep coming back.

Hi Lindy

 

Welcome to alanon. It will provide to you the help and support that you need.

 

The program teaches us to focus on ourselves and our issues to better our lives.

A wonderful opprtunity for our growth.

Try the alanon meetings, there is so much love and support from both face to face meetings and online meetings.

 

Welcome

Lindy, I am glad you found us here. It sounds like you are really struggling on many levels, including anger at yourself for having married another alcoholic. Since coming into this program, I have come to believe that everything happens for a reason. I know that may seem corny now but I now am just starting to see some of the reasons why I, too, married an alcoholic and was with her for six years. She cheated and we broke up and sold the house we owned together. I was in so much pain just after the breakup. I had always felt like she would be better to me and be happy if I could just do more housework, cooking, etc. Bottom line, it was never enough because I could never fill the hole in her left there by her own pain and suffering. I have learned a lot in the last year and two months. Above all, keep coming back until you get your miracle here. It will get better. Love and hugs, Jessi

I am sure dysfunctional men with the trick of having the perpetual broken wing needing fixing come straight to you, it is not that you are a magnet for such men, it is that you were born in a society that teaching females from birth to be a mother, always putting their children first, always controlling how they grow up, how they act, how they think. This so ingrained into you that, that is all who you think you are… a controlling fixer of who needs fixing. Did your ex man addicted to the drugs alcohol, etc. or your new man addicted to the same ever call you, “Ma”? You see, it is that you choose your next child to fix even though he might be chronically an adult. Odds are that if you could actually ‘fix’ one these chaps, your mothering syndrome would force you to boot him out, chalking it up to boredom or something, and replacing him with another infantile adult that needs perpetual fixing.

Hugs & Luv,

Hi Lindy,

Reading your post brings back so many memories for me, he could NEVER make it home without stopping at the bar on the way.  My anger would burn, I would grab our young son and go to the bar and make a small scene in front of his buddies, and it just never made any difference.  It took a long time (and Al-Anon) to realize that there was not  thing one I could do about his drinking and to move on with my life and my son's life.  Almost 18 years later I am still with the same man, and he's still drinking (more than ever) and there's still nothing I can do to change that.  It is up to you to make the choice, accept this man for what he is, or, break free and start over again (and hope that 3rd time is the charm).  As you go through all of this, the program can help (even if you don't realize it at the time, I know I didn't until much later).  The Serenity Prayer, and the 3 C's are the tools to move forward.  Just my thoughts.  Take Care

 

bcanuck

One thing I REALLY do not like is for someone who hasn't the qualifications to attempt to analyze me, so I'll refrain from doing that. I think you are on the right track. You don't want to tie yourself down with a new baby with someone who is not going to be responsible...good. You recognize the signs...good. And you have set boundaries...good. Do go to Al Anon please. Soon you will know whether it will benefit you, and if it does not, at least you tried. Remember you can't change him, but you CAN change YOU! My heart goes out to you and my positive thoughts are with you. Diva

Richard:

This is an AWESOME post, as I can so relate to what you are saying in my learned behavior growing up.  It wasn't until my most recent relationship that although I didn't want to deal with the stress of my ex, that a HUGE part of what I struggled with is NOT wanting to continue the pattern in fixing him, mothering him and he had often said sometimes that was exactly how he felt at times, as if instead of his g/f it was like I was trying to be his mother.  It was interesting when he told me that cause it opened up a new door for me to look internally at what was happening inside me.  I also must admit how it embarrased me as well because he is an adult and despite his alcoholism, he recognzied how unhealthy I was in wanting to take care of him and had this mothering nature.  I was embarrased because I realized that I indeed was treating him as a child, instead of an equal.  Over the 2 years after this came up during one of our conversations, I struggled inside to NOT be that person with him and in turn, was succeeding only to discover the ultimate reason for why I was always trying to control or mother the person I was with was a result of wanting acceptance from that person, or needing to be loved a certain way.  Thinking that if I loved him enough, I would get that in return-- Aren't we taught to treat others how we wish to be treated?  That could be negative or positive because there are many people that will take advantage of our kindness and it deepens the impact of low self-esteem and confidence when we are rejected, often because this is the issue within us to begin with...

A HUGE part of my decision to leave this relationship was based on my reactions to him at times and not wanting to be that person I was becoming or having difficulty controlling my learned behavior...  I didn't feel strong enough to love him without controlling him or trying to change him and so, I made the choice to end the relationship.  Some will say I am running and ultimately, it may seem that way somedays because I miss him so much... But, then again, I'm no longer hurting him, nor is he hurting me and so I just pray to God that he help us both heal and know that I love him and he loves me and keep that in our hearts as we move forward in our lives-- being able to hold onto good memories and learn from our mistakes.  I pray that he is doing well and as much as I don't want to think about him being with someone else because it hurts, still want him to be loved by someone else who is  more accepting of who he is and that will allow him to be the person God wants him to be.  Additionally, I pray for me to be able to accept that I need God to help me become strong enough to let go of my learned behaviors in relationships and meet someone who ultimately can be EXACTLY who they are without me interfering just because I am trying so hard to be loved how I need to be loved.  Typically, what I have learned is that if you are in a relationship where your needs are not being met, then a choice has to be made as to if this relationship is the right one for both people.  Perhaps, both cannot meet each others needs because although you love this person, it is not a relationship that requires intimacy, but perhaps friendship instead.  :)

I have found that once a person can define their needs without doubt, then peace comes because they find what it is they really need.  It is in knowing what we need, that we can become peaceful with ourselves and be satisfied while we wait for that right relationship to happen.  :)

Thank you for your great post...  It brought up reminders of how much I contributed to the destruction of the relationship as well in trying so hard to help him (mother him), while also at the same time fighting myself inside not to repeat that cycle.  Knowing all along what I was doing and fighting inside not to was a battle in itself, not to mention the battle of dealing with his insensitivity at times because of his drinking.  :(  It was such a battle, but one that I am grateful to have had to face because the truth shall set you free.   Not only did I have a battle with seeing the effects of alcohol going on, I had a battle within myself overcoming the realization that I had finally discovered what it was that I needed to correct inside myself before I could be in ANY healthy relationship.

 

-- Edited by sanddie at 22:24, 2005-03-17