When I realized I was powerless, I wanted to leave him, why stay? It’s not my problem, I can’t fix it, so leave. Then in S4, I looked and saw clearly that I had faults, many faults. I was not, & never would be perfect. Would I want someone to leave me because of my faults?! Without even trying to stand by me as I work them out?! Years ago I was sick, my H stood by me, not knowing what was happening to me. He just took one day at a time dealing with my sickness. After 2 years, it was discovered there was a tumor. At first, we didn’t know anything. He stood by me not knowing if I’d live, or what I’d have to face. There was nothing he could do for me. Why didn’t he leave me then? With all my problems? Then I realized he was doing something for me, he was supporting me by loving me. That’s when I realized there’s more to him than just his faults. Just like me, there’s more good than bad. We all have faults, we always will. But that’s just one part of us.
That’s why I choose not to say "My A". It’s ok for others, but for me it symbolizes something I want to recognize. I feel it is his problem, his disease, not mine. So therefore, it shouldn’t be my A, but "his A". Also to me saying "My A" has a negative connotation. My husband is not just an alcoholic, he’s not a disease. He’s a person, he’s my husband, who just happens to have alcoholism, but he has many good traits too. I wouldn’t want to be labeled by only my faults. I know I can’t cure him, or control it, but I can stand by supporting him (with these 12 steps), loving him, one day at a time, as he did for me. We are so much more than our faults.
ArwynEvenstar said
Mar 15, 2005
I love your share babs...thank you. I have had a problem referring to my fiancee as "my a" since the very first time I used the term. I only did it because it seemed to be the way everyone else refers to the alcoholic in their life. My fiancee is first and foremost the man in my life, the most important person to me....his alcoholism is his disease, not who he is. I am overweight, my addiction is overeating, but I KNOW that he never refers to me as "his o" or "his fattie" or anything else like that. I doubt this is how you meant your post to be interpreted and I apologize if I misread it, but this is something that has always bothered me. I will never again refer to my fiancee as "my a". He is so much more to me than his disease.
None of us are perfect. I know I'm not and I'd be a fool to expect perfection from the man I love or anyone else, for that matter. Again, thank you for your share.
~Arwyn
loved and loving, faults and all
TLC2 said
Mar 15, 2005
WOW! Thanks for such a beautiful post! It lifted up my spirits!
I too feel much the same way. I wouldn't leave him if he had Cancer or Diabetis, and once I learned more about his disease, and understood it better, our lives changed sooo much!! My attitude changed once I understood more, and once my attitude changed, so did his!
I thank my HP for guiding me here when things were so terrible in ours lives. This sight has made such a huge difference in my perceptions.
I use the 'A' 'cause I'm too darn lazy to write out Alcoholic. (no, that's not true :) ) I think some people use it to stay anonamous, so people don't know if the person they are writing about is their husband, daughter, father...in case someone they know somehow figures out who they are? I know that's true in my case. So, maybe instead of reading it as A meaning alcoholic, read it as my A-nonamous, and I'm certainly too lazy to write THAT out :)
babs said
Mar 15, 2005
I really like your version of A- anonomous, as in my anonomous (husband, or son, or etc.)!!!! It is much better. Thanks!
gardengal said
Mar 15, 2005
It is so difficult to admit one is powerless over a loved one, or admit that there is nothing you can do to help. I know I have been there many times, and to admit that I "too" have a problem is also very difficult, when we are the ones who are not the ones with a drinking problem. For many years I expected him to listen to not only me but a whole host of friends and family who shared their concerns for my husbands alcoholism, and like most to no avail. So alanon has helped me tremendously deal with this illogical/incidious/baffling/horrific disease, and try my best not to get enmeshed in "his" crap and only deal with what I have power over is myself. Thanks for posting,,,,,,,,,,,gardengal
Christy said
Mar 15, 2005
It is rather ironic...
Since alanon teaches to seperate the disease from the person and recognize it as a disease.
I woudn't like my husband to refer to me as his C (codependent).
Definately food for thought, thank you
Christy
Beskem said
Mar 15, 2005
Ok, I'm crying and I'm sorry for thinking the way you discribed. I wouldn't want my wife to desert me in my time of need either. I feel so selfish and ashamed. Thank you for opening my eyes, I'll never call my wife my "A" again either. Dam this place sucks! Come here to unload and end up wanting to make myself better! lol
cdb said
Mar 15, 2005
Hello babs and all,
The post and replies are so interesting and informative for me to read. I believe when I talk about my daughter I usually say: The A in my life is my 20 year old daughter. So, this was interesting for me to think about. I type it that way because it is easier than typing alcoholic. For me it is like if I say my husband,,so and so,,,,my daughter, so and so. If I were to write the A in front in my mind it is just pointing out to all of you who the alcoholic in my life is for better interpretation of my message and one less word for my poor sore carpal tunnel hands to type. I guess it is all a matter of how we look at things. The world would be pretty boring if we all thought the same and were the same. cdb :)
richard said
Mar 15, 2005
It seems to me, ‘me’ as in myself, your tumor did not abuse your husband. You did not choose to have the tumor. You did not mention in your post whether you man was in recovery. Supporting him in recovery is one thing, supporting him in active addiction is another… in ‘my’ book.
An ex-abuser of drugs like alcohol, etc Hugs & Luv,
estrelladehope said
Mar 15, 2005
No I would not want someone to leave me because of my faults, but if there was a fault of mine that hurt the other person so much and I was not willing to try and change this for the sake of myself and him, then I would understand being left. That is how I feel right now. If the alcoholic is not willing to better themselves, yes, mine likes to talk and make me feel like he is going to get help when it is just all talk, then where does love come into play?
Christy said
Mar 16, 2005
Love comes in to play by remembering that the man and the disease are seperate. I love the man, I hate the disease.
I'm sure my husband didn't choose this disease, just as the original poster didn't choose to have a tumor. Though, it is like cancer in that he already had it by the time he figured out it was there.
When I realized I was powerless, I wanted to leave him, why stay? It’s not my problem, I can’t fix it, so leave. Then in S4, I looked and saw clearly that I had faults, many faults. I was not, & never would be perfect. Would I want someone to leave me because of my faults?! Without even trying to stand by me as I work them out?! Years ago I was sick, my H stood by me, not knowing what was happening to me. He just took one day at a time dealing with my sickness. After 2 years, it was discovered there was a tumor. At first, we didn’t know anything. He stood by me not knowing if I’d live, or what I’d have to face. There was nothing he could do for me. Why didn’t he leave me then? With all my problems? Then I realized he was doing something for me, he was supporting me by loving me. That’s when I realized there’s more to him than just his faults. Just like me, there’s more good than bad. We all have faults, we always will. But that’s just one part of us.
That’s why I choose not to say "My A". It’s ok for others, but for me it symbolizes something I want to recognize. I feel it is his problem, his disease, not mine. So therefore, it shouldn’t be my A, but "his A". Also to me saying "My A" has a negative connotation. My husband is not just an alcoholic, he’s not a disease. He’s a person, he’s my husband, who just happens to have alcoholism, but he has many good traits too. I wouldn’t want to be labeled by only my faults. I know I can’t cure him, or control it, but I can stand by supporting him (with these 12 steps), loving him, one day at a time, as he did for me. We are so much more than our faults.
WOW! Thanks for such a beautiful post! It lifted up my spirits!
I too feel much the same way. I wouldn't leave him if he had Cancer or Diabetis, and once I learned more about his disease, and understood it better, our lives changed sooo much!! My attitude changed once I understood more, and once my attitude changed, so did his!
I thank my HP for guiding me here when things were so terrible in ours lives. This sight has made such a huge difference in my perceptions.
I use the 'A' 'cause I'm too darn lazy to write out Alcoholic. (no, that's not true :) ) I think some people use it to stay anonamous, so people don't know if the person they are writing about is their husband, daughter, father...in case someone they know somehow figures out who they are? I know that's true in my case. So, maybe instead of reading it as A meaning alcoholic, read it as my A-nonamous, and I'm certainly too lazy to write THAT out :)
It is rather ironic...
Since alanon teaches to seperate the disease from the person and recognize it as a disease.
I woudn't like my husband to refer to me as his C (codependent).
Definately food for thought, thank you
Christy
Hello babs and all,
The post and replies are so interesting and informative for me to read. I believe when I talk about my daughter I usually say: The A in my life is my 20 year old daughter. So, this was interesting for me to think about. I type it that way because it is easier than typing alcoholic. For me it is like if I say my husband,,so and so,,,,my daughter, so and so. If I were to write the A in front in my mind it is just pointing out to all of you who the alcoholic in my life is for better interpretation of my message and one less word for my poor sore carpal tunnel hands to type. I guess it is all a matter of how we look at things. The world would be pretty boring if we all thought the same and were the same. cdb :)
It seems to me, ‘me’ as in myself, your tumor did not abuse your husband. You did not choose to have the tumor. You did not mention in your post whether you man was in recovery. Supporting him in recovery is one thing, supporting him in active addiction is another… in ‘my’ book.
An ex-abuser of drugs like alcohol, etc
Hugs & Luv,
Love comes in to play by remembering that the man and the disease are seperate. I love the man, I hate the disease.
I'm sure my husband didn't choose this disease, just as the original poster didn't choose to have a tumor. Though, it is like cancer in that he already had it by the time he figured out it was there.