As some of you know, my A wife has been in Detox twice, has had Mental Evals twice at the Police and Sheriff's stations all in the last month and a half. She's only been drinking habitually for six months and says it is only stress related. Last week after releasing herself early from a rehab center she joined a Drug and Alcohol Rehab outpatient program and went to one meeting there and 3 F2F AA meetings. After that she stopped going to AA and today she is meeting with the outpatient people to get out of that program. She still plans to meet with her Psychiatrist and Therapist on Thursday of this week. They are supposed to start working on her depression. I want to give her the benefit of doubt, is it possible she isn't an alcoholic? I found a half bottle of Amaretto(Drink of Choice) under the bed on Friday and she guards the bedroom like a hawk. I'm sure she will not want me to go to AL-Anon because that will be like me saying, "I don't believe you and I still think you're an Alcoholic."
megan said
Mar 15, 2005
Is it possible she isn't an alcoholic?
I can't answer that. There are of course tests - questions and answers that I have printed out and put on my husbands night table...
Are YOU affected by her drinking? Then alanon is for you. It is for those people affected by anothers drinking.
The word alcoholic seems to have some sort of stigma to it and really, who in the world would WANT to be an alcoholic.
My A guards his alcohol like a hawk too. Many times I have seen the bottle (vodka) under the bed.
Now he has a new place for it - locked up in the file cabinet in his office.
A small part of the reason I was in tears at my first alanon meeting las t July was the terrible realization, and the beginning of the acceptance that I had a very definite problem in my life and my husband was in fact an alcoholic.
How could this be? Why me? I have to fix this. Then, in time, the sad hard realization I cannot fix this.
But I am working on fixing me.
Alanon has provided wonderful tools to me for this.
Beskem said
Mar 15, 2005
I took one of those tests for AL-Anon. It said if you answer yes to 4 of these 24 questions you are associated with a person with a drinking problem. I answered yes to 19 out of 24, I guess I do have a problem that I need to work on, me. It looks like though, that this will be my AL-Anon, she will throw a fit if I insist on going to a F2F meeting. I can't get into the Chat room for meetings, our Firewall here at work won't allow it. But from what I've seen from all you people, I will have a lot of guidance down the correct path.
megan said
Mar 15, 2005
I can't get into the chat room either for meetings because of the firewall at work.
The firewall at home is my A. When he is passed out then I have been able to attend a few online meetings and they are very very good.
Why does your A need to know that it is an alanon meeting you are going to???
A good book that I have read is "Getting them sober you can help" by Tobey Rice drew.
in fact he has a series of them and I just ordered:
"Getting Them Sober: A Guide for Those Who Live with an Alcoholic, Vol.
1"
Toby Rice Drews; Paperback; $7.99
1 "Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions and Concepts"
Al-Anon Family Group Head Inc; Hardcover; $16.95
1 "Courage to Change: One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II"
Al-Anon Family Group Head Inc; Hardcover; $12.00
1 "Getting Them Sober: Vol 4 : Separations and Healings (Getting Them
Sober)"
Toby Rice Drews; Paperback; $8.96
I have been getting recommendations for books and finally put the order in.
Oh, and I hide the books - my A has taken some of my alanon books - oh and the ones I bought for him to find, take, perhaps read- perhaps I dream...
Anyway, one step at a time, one day at a time.
Welcome to alanon. It is a good idea to read about the 12 steps of alanon - John posted them Saturday. Start with step one. This one is very very hard and will take quite some work.
Things will get better for you...
kismetstrand said
Mar 15, 2005
Hello again Beskem! Glad you are here! If you can't get to any ftf's, do try and get some literature thru the website. I'll mention The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage again, only because I was so impressed with what it had to say about communication (and that includes body language, not just the spoken word), and it really gave me insight on how to have a better relationship (whether they are still drinking or not).
As everyone else has said, Al-Anon is for us. Teaching us how to be kinder people, healthier people, how to treat our loved ones and everyone else with respect and unconditional love. If only those who are not in Al-Anon could understand that.... well perhaps as they see the changes we make in ourself they do come to see it.
Keep coming back!
Kis
Beskem said
Mar 15, 2005
I want to start reading some of these books everyone is recommending as time permits. I'm doing good reading "Courage to Change". Megan, as far as my wife not knowing I was going to an Al-Anon meeting, I guess I never considered being sneaky! Not in my nature I guess! Note to self: Learn to be a little sneakier! lol
babs said
Mar 15, 2005
Al anon is not about the other person in your life, it's about you & your health. It doesn't help any situation if you're not in a good place(mind set). Al anon teaches you how to love with detachment, how to take care of yourself. One meeting doesn't define what al anon is about, it is said you should go to several meetings. Each meeting is unique, and it takes time to figure out why your there and what can be done for yourself. It all takes time, don't get overwhelmed. Coming here & to meetings is the most important step, the rest falls into place, if you're willing, and when you're ready.
wallsal55 said
Mar 16, 2005
Wow! This post hits home. My spouse has ADD/ADHD problems, but is an alcoholic. When he removes the alcohol he has the ADD problems. He used alcohol to medicate everything--stress, money worries, ADD, good times, bad times, that was in our younger days. In mid-life, he used it to handle people's death, grief, sorrow, coping with these depressing events. He found every reason to use the alcohol to medicate, cover up, mask the underlying problem(s). Anyway, he has to take away the alcohol first to get to the rest. That's as far as we are now. I soooo wish he had professional evaluations outside of AA, but Just for Today is where we are. Wishing you both the best! Keep coming back. (denial for my A? You bet!)
As some of you know, my A wife has been in Detox twice, has had Mental Evals twice at the Police and Sheriff's stations all in the last month and a half. She's only been drinking habitually for six months and says it is only stress related. Last week after releasing herself early from a rehab center she joined a Drug and Alcohol Rehab outpatient program and went to one meeting there and 3 F2F AA meetings. After that she stopped going to AA and today she is meeting with the outpatient people to get out of that program. She still plans to meet with her Psychiatrist and Therapist on Thursday of this week. They are supposed to start working on her depression. I want to give her the benefit of doubt, is it possible she isn't an alcoholic? I found a half bottle of Amaretto(Drink of Choice) under the bed on Friday and she guards the bedroom like a hawk. I'm sure she will not want me to go to AL-Anon because that will be like me saying, "I don't believe you and I still think you're an Alcoholic."
Is it possible she isn't an alcoholic?
I can't answer that. There are of course tests - questions and answers that I have printed out and put on my husbands night table...
Are YOU affected by her drinking? Then alanon is for you. It is for those people affected by anothers drinking.
The word alcoholic seems to have some sort of stigma to it and really, who in the world would WANT to be an alcoholic.
My A guards his alcohol like a hawk too. Many times I have seen the bottle (vodka) under the bed.
Now he has a new place for it - locked up in the file cabinet in his office.
A small part of the reason I was in tears at my first alanon meeting las t July was the terrible realization, and the beginning of the acceptance that I had a very definite problem in my life and my husband was in fact an alcoholic.
How could this be? Why me? I have to fix this. Then, in time, the sad hard realization I cannot fix this.
But I am working on fixing me.
Alanon has provided wonderful tools to me for this.
I can't get into the chat room either for meetings because of the firewall at work.
The firewall at home is my A. When he is passed out then I have been able to attend a few online meetings and they are very very good.
Why does your A need to know that it is an alanon meeting you are going to???
A good book that I have read is "Getting them sober you can help" by Tobey Rice drew.
in fact he has a series of them and I just ordered:
"Getting Them Sober: A Guide for Those Who Live with an Alcoholic, Vol.
1"
Toby Rice Drews; Paperback; $7.99
1 "Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions and Concepts"
Al-Anon Family Group Head Inc; Hardcover; $16.95
1 "Courage to Change: One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II"
Al-Anon Family Group Head Inc; Hardcover; $12.00
1 "Getting Them Sober: Vol 4 : Separations and Healings (Getting Them
Sober)"
Toby Rice Drews; Paperback; $8.96
I have been getting recommendations for books and finally put the order in.
Oh, and I hide the books - my A has taken some of my alanon books - oh and the ones I bought for him to find, take, perhaps read- perhaps I dream...
Anyway, one step at a time, one day at a time.
Welcome to alanon. It is a good idea to read about the 12 steps of alanon - John posted them Saturday. Start with step one. This one is very very hard and will take quite some work.
Things will get better for you...
Hello again Beskem! Glad you are here! If you can't get to any ftf's, do try and get some literature thru the website. I'll mention The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage again, only because I was so impressed with what it had to say about communication (and that includes body language, not just the spoken word), and it really gave me insight on how to have a better relationship (whether they are still drinking or not).
As everyone else has said, Al-Anon is for us. Teaching us how to be kinder people, healthier people, how to treat our loved ones and everyone else with respect and unconditional love. If only those who are not in Al-Anon could understand that.... well perhaps as they see the changes we make in ourself they do come to see it.
Keep coming back!
Kis
Megan,
Where can one find the tests?
Lanchas