When I first came to Alanon, my thoughts were "it's all the A's fault". I get to Alanon and I'm told "you're just as sick, if not sicker, than the A". That didn't sit well with me. Made me mad. But I kept coming back to listen and learn. Pretty soon I realized, yeah, they're right. I WAS sick too. It's very easy to point the finger at someone else and blame them for everything going wrong in life. Much easier than taking a look at yourself and your own part in it. My reacting to my A actually kept the vicious Martyr/Blame game going. I would react to his actions, he would get nasty, I'd say look what a horrible person he is (the Blame) and what a kind loving person I am yet I put up with him (the Martyr). Martyr = One who CHOOSES to suffer. In Alanon I learned I can choose NOT to be a Martyr. I can choose NOT to participate in the Blame game. I can choose to act in healthy ways rather than just reacting. Many times what I reacted to had nothing to do with me. My A did not drink to spite me, he drank because he's an A. Yet I reacted as if it was a personal attack on me. That was part of my own sickness - taking everything personally. I learned to detach...and then I learned to detach with love. I learned to focus on myself, on just my own part. Myself, my part, is my ONLY business. I cannot tell my A what his part is, what he needs or ought to do. Not my business. That is his business. My business is working my own program, working on me. I haven't come to the step on Amends yet. When I do, yes, I owe my A an amends, although I've already begun that Amends, as that one is an action amends, changing my behavior towards him. It doesn't matter whether he acknowledges that Amends or makes an Amends back to me. That is not my business. That is his business. His inventory to deal with, not mine. All I can do, is do my own part. To continue the Martry/Blame game by pointing my finger at him (again) only puts me back to where I started. I choose to end that vicious cycle. I choose not to play the Martyr/Blame game anymore, and I choose not to play it regardless of the person, place, or thing...or as Alanon says, In All Our Affairs.
babs said
Mar 13, 2005
I've have been there too. It is about choice! I'm so glad you see, as I see. Now it is time to DO! Great for you. Every day I physcially, and mentally, force myself to do, what I already seem to know! Have a good day today! Babs
Joat said
Mar 13, 2005
I very much relate to this.
I remember that when my father was at his worst, he did exactly the same thing. Nothing ever went right, everything was someone else's fault, he never did anything wrong, everything had an excuse.
As a child, I learned the same behaviour. I never expected anything to go right, always anticipating mistakes, always judging others for their failures and never acknowledging my own.
I've made progress in stopping that. Other people *do* make mistakes, but so do I. It's okay every now and then. My father made mistakes too, but from what I've learned of his earlier life, they were understandable. So it's time to let go of being judgemental. Others might sometimes do something stupid or inconsiderate, but that doesn't mean they *are* stupid or inconsiderate, any more than I am a failure because I failed to do one thing. He was an A because of his own mistake, nothing to do with me.
He had no right to put down everyone else, but I don't have a right to put him down for his mistake either.
Easy to type, harder to feel. But we all try, right?
Thanks for your post, kismet.
megan said
Mar 13, 2005
Hi,
I work on this all the time - not playing martyr and blaming the A.
life is sure alot more peaceful in our home since i stopped trashing my A for his drinking - it never helped the situation for sure.
i work,...on me now.
david62 said
Mar 13, 2005
Thank you for sharing that Kis! We (those effected by alcoholism) are ever so good at playing that martyr role. We play that role so expertly that we cannot even begin to recognize how it is all something we are doing to ourselves. Until we come to realize its all about us and not about them we will continue to be miserable, suffering victims. My dictionary says that to make a martyr of oneself is to seek esteem by making it clear that one is doing a good deed at considerable self-sacrifice. Boy was that me! Why I just knew that all good things were going to come to me just because of those self-sacrifices I was making for my A.
I have come to understand that no human being is really worthy of my martyrdom. To martyr myself for any other person is for me to give up myself to someone else. My HP did not put me on this earth to give up who I am and who He wants me to be by playing martyr to another human. No matter how much I love them.
I now realize it was wrong for me to try to do everything to please my A wife. To try to make her happy, even at the expense of my own happiness. Happiness is an inside job. No one is responsible for my happiness but me. No one is responsible for someone else's happiness either. That's their business! We can all certainly share our happiness but we must always remember that it's not all about them. It is all about us, and how we choose to live. It is our life, we can decide who or what we want out of it. And we all need to remember, it is our choice, whatever the life we have, and not to blame someone else if we aren't happy with it.
Let it begin with me!
Thanks again Kis, for making me think! Love you!
Yours in Recovery,
David
cdb said
Mar 13, 2005
Hello Kis,
Thank you for this post. It is so great to have people with more experience share to the ones without, like me. As you can see by my reply below, I am not choosing to suffer. That is why it helps me to vent here and let it out. I guess what does get difficult is when people try to cram alanon stuff at someone instead of talking to them in a nice caring way. At least I feel I am better able to start a day anew again with a clean slate and practice my letting go and letting God. In my family situation, not only have I been ill but my entire family has been ill with the sickness of alcoholism (one alcoholic, family disease) I am very fortunate to have a husband who is supportive of me too and my feelings and encourages me to continue on my recovery and my journey. Thanks for your ESH kis. cdb
In Alanon I learned I can choose NOT to be a Martyr. I can choose NOT to participate in the Blame game. I can choose to act in healthy ways rather than just reacting. Many times what I reacted to had nothing to do with me. My A did not drink to spite me, he drank because he's an A. Yet I reacted as if it was a personal attack on me. That was part of my own sickness - taking everything personally.
I learned to detach...and then I learned to detach with love. I learned to focus on myself, on just my own part. Myself, my part, is my ONLY business. I cannot tell my A what his part is, what he needs or ought to do. Not my business. That is his business. My business is working my own program, working on me. I haven't come to the step on Amends yet. When I do, yes, I owe my A an amends, although I've already begun that Amends, as that one is an action amends, changing my behavior towards him. It doesn't matter whether he acknowledges that Amends or makes an Amends back to me. That is not my business. That is his business. His inventory to deal with, not mine. All I can do, is do my own part. To continue the Martry/Blame game by pointing my finger at him (again) only puts me back to where I started. I choose to end that vicious cycle. I choose not to play the Martyr/Blame game anymore, and I choose not to play it regardless of the person, place, or thing...or as Alanon says, In All Our Affairs.
I've have been there too. It is about choice! I'm so glad you see, as I see. Now it is time to DO! Great for you. Every day I physcially, and mentally, force myself to do, what I already seem to know! Have a good day today! Babs
Hi,
I work on this all the time - not playing martyr and blaming the A.
life is sure alot more peaceful in our home since i stopped trashing my A for his drinking - it never helped the situation for sure.
i work,...on me now.
Thank you for sharing that Kis! We (those effected by alcoholism) are ever so good at playing that martyr role. We play that role so expertly that we cannot even begin to recognize how it is all something we are doing to ourselves. Until we come to realize its all about us and not about them we will continue to be miserable, suffering victims. My dictionary says that to make a martyr of oneself is to seek esteem by making it clear that one is doing a good deed at considerable self-sacrifice. Boy was that me! Why I just knew that all good things were going to come to me just because of those self-sacrifices I was making for my A.
I have come to understand that no human being is really worthy of my martyrdom. To martyr myself for any other person is for me to give up myself to someone else. My HP did not put me on this earth to give up who I am and who He wants me to be by playing martyr to another human. No matter how much I love them.
I now realize it was wrong for me to try to do everything to please my A wife. To try to make her happy, even at the expense of my own happiness. Happiness is an inside job. No one is responsible for my happiness but me. No one is responsible for someone else's happiness either. That's their business! We can all certainly share our happiness but we must always remember that it's not all about them. It is all about us, and how we choose to live. It is our life, we can decide who or what we want out of it. And we all need to remember, it is our choice, whatever the life we have, and not to blame someone else if we aren't happy with it.
Let it begin with me!
Thanks again Kis, for making me think! Love you!
Yours in Recovery,
David
Hello Kis,
Thank you for this post. It is so great to have people with more experience share to the ones without, like me. As you can see by my reply below, I am not choosing to suffer. That is why it helps me to vent here and let it out. I guess what does get difficult is when people try to cram alanon stuff at someone instead of talking to them in a nice caring way. At least I feel I am better able to start a day anew again with a clean slate and practice my letting go and letting God. In my family situation, not only have I been ill but my entire family has been ill with the sickness of alcoholism (one alcoholic, family disease) I am very fortunate to have a husband who is supportive of me too and my feelings and encourages me to continue on my recovery and my journey. Thanks for your ESH kis. cdb