My husband is an active drinker and I have a real big problem ignoring him when he comes home drinking or hungover. He says real mean things to me, like my weight and how I should starve myself. He also tells me to leave his house and go find someone else to support me. I have no job and I have fibromyalgia and chostiocondritis, which keeps me from working. When he's not drinking, he starts off with being sweet and nice to me. But before he gets ready to drink he gets moody and bossy with me, and then denies doing it. He hardly let's me go any where by myself. And if he does, he wants to know where I'm going and when I'll be back. On top of that I'm not supposed to say how I feel about him and what he's done. If I do, he get's mad at me and eventually tells me to shut up, stay away from him, etc. I love him, but living this way is really depressing and getting to me. I don't want to have to leave him, so any suggestions on how to deal with all of this please let me know.
babs said
Mar 12, 2005
In al anon, I learn to take one day at a time. Sometimes, one hour at a time. Life decisions don't have to be made today. Most important I learned al anon was for me, that I had to take care of myself first! There is much to learn in the books, the online meetings, online chats, and even face to face meetings. All have something in which I learn something unique. Before I came here online, and to meetings in person, I felt I couldn't go to the next hour, let alone the next day. Each time I read, each time I go, chat or meetings, I feel better, not alone. The problems may still be there, but I am stronger, and better equipt to deal or make decisions that are sane, ones I won't regret. I don't know if you're new to al anon, but we're here. Try us out, listen, talk, when ever you're ready. Come back as often as you need.
cdb said
Mar 13, 2005
Hello micheagle,
Wow! I have fibromyalgia too and have had times when I have the chosto too,,ouch! My hubby is not the alcoholic but he sure does get angry about my not being healthy. A person with fms looks healthy. That is why they call it an invisible disease. Because we look fine on the outside to people. Yet friends may see me at walmart and I look fine and they don't know I may have been in bed for days just to have enough energy or pain relief to make it to that one trip. I am sure you know what I am saying. It took my husband a long long time to understand about my illness.
The things I have learned from here about my alcoholic daughter on taking care of me have helped me to deal with my husband too. I am new at this and so the tools from alanon are new to me too. So keep coming back and learn all you can. Keep posting to get different replies from those that are married to an alcoholic too. Just know that I do undertstand how disabling fibromyalgia and chosto can be and how angry husbands can get when we have it. cdb
Jeannie said
Mar 13, 2005
hi micheagle,
What you are describing is so typical of an alcoholic husband.
The one thing you have to remember is that it is not about you. The cruelty, the possesiveness, the needing to know exactly where you are at all times, are often symptoms of the disease. A way of them trying to cause it to be your fault and not about them or their drinking.
Remember the 3 c's, you did not cause it, you can't control it and you cannot cure it.
You need to take care of you and learn how to be strong, this way while the things he says might still hurt, it will not confuse you into believing it is true.
I always picture myself holding a mirror up, the nasty things that are said to me, are in reality to imself. As you learn not to react, it will becaome a little easier.
But with the tools you learn here, you can learn to be happy wether he is drinking or not, you can learn to set boundaries for yourself, and then when you are ready, you will be strong enough to make any decisions, if there are any to be made.
Welcome and keep coming back.
Love Jeannie
megan said
Mar 13, 2005
Hi and welcome,
my husband is active also. he says mean things too. That is when I:
leave the room
take a long long shower
leave the house: go to: the mall, the library, work, for a walk. i don't have a car but can at least walk away from things. Except at night. Then I take long showers.
there is nothing to be gained by listening to the crap they spew out. even when i was very thin by husband still cracked about my weight - he needs to look in the mirroe IMHO
alanon teaches us to look after ourselves and take care of ourselves.
i stopped "reporting" to my husband very soon adter my first f2f (face to face) meeting.
please try to find one. It really helps.
welcome
wallsal55 said
Mar 14, 2005
Ditto to megans suggestions to detach from the situation/environment. I practiced detachment, and it took me about 3 weeks to get the hang of it. It works wonders for our mental/emotional survivial while living w/an A. Keep Coming Back. Alanon's pamphlet on detachment is a godsend....and www.coping.org/control/detach.htm
My husband is an active drinker and I have a real big problem ignoring him when he comes home drinking or hungover. He says real mean things to me, like my weight and how I should starve myself. He also tells me to leave his house and go find someone else to support me. I have no job and I have fibromyalgia and chostiocondritis, which keeps me from working. When he's not drinking, he starts off with being sweet and nice to me. But before he gets ready to drink he gets moody and bossy with me, and then denies doing it. He hardly let's me go any where by myself. And if he does, he wants to know where I'm going and when I'll be back. On top of that I'm not supposed to say how I feel about him and what he's done. If I do, he get's mad at me and eventually tells me to shut up, stay away from him, etc. I love him, but living this way is really depressing and getting to me. I don't want to have to leave him, so any suggestions on how to deal with all of this please let me know.
Hello micheagle,
Wow! I have fibromyalgia too and have had times when I have the chosto too,,ouch! My hubby is not the alcoholic but he sure does get angry about my not being healthy. A person with fms looks healthy. That is why they call it an invisible disease. Because we look fine on the outside to people. Yet friends may see me at walmart and I look fine and they don't know I may have been in bed for days just to have enough energy or pain relief to make it to that one trip. I am sure you know what I am saying. It took my husband a long long time to understand about my illness.
The things I have learned from here about my alcoholic daughter on taking care of me have helped me to deal with my husband too. I am new at this and so the tools from alanon are new to me too. So keep coming back and learn all you can. Keep posting to get different replies from those that are married to an alcoholic too. Just know that I do undertstand how disabling fibromyalgia and chosto can be and how angry husbands can get when we have it. cdb
hi micheagle,
What you are describing is so typical of an alcoholic husband.
The one thing you have to remember is that it is not about you. The cruelty, the possesiveness, the needing to know exactly where you are at all times, are often symptoms of the disease. A way of them trying to cause it to be your fault and not about them or their drinking.
Remember the 3 c's, you did not cause it, you can't control it and you cannot cure it.
You need to take care of you and learn how to be strong, this way while the things he says might still hurt, it will not confuse you into believing it is true.
I always picture myself holding a mirror up, the nasty things that are said to me, are in reality to imself. As you learn not to react, it will becaome a little easier.
But with the tools you learn here, you can learn to be happy wether he is drinking or not, you can learn to set boundaries for yourself, and then when you are ready, you will be strong enough to make any decisions, if there are any to be made.
Welcome and keep coming back.
Love Jeannie
Hi and welcome,
my husband is active also. he says mean things too. That is when I:
leave the room
take a long long shower
leave the house: go to: the mall, the library, work, for a walk. i don't have a car but can at least walk away from things. Except at night. Then I take long showers.
there is nothing to be gained by listening to the crap they spew out. even when i was very thin by husband still cracked about my weight - he needs to look in the mirroe IMHO
alanon teaches us to look after ourselves and take care of ourselves.
i stopped "reporting" to my husband very soon adter my first f2f (face to face) meeting.
please try to find one. It really helps.
welcome