My AH came home tonight and asked... Do you ever ask yourself "why me"? Almost before he finished I answered yes all the time. He had this supprised look on his face like what for?? He never said another word when I could tell he wanted to talk about how hard things are for him and he wanted me to feel sory for him. I know the situation that he was trying to bring up because I was at the shop today when his sister and him got the bad news about having to move their office and shop to another bay or find a new place to move the business to. I am sure he wanted my sympathy but I had none for him as I went through the same uncertanty he did this afternoon and hatched it up to bad timming and that things happen for a reason.
So he is snoring passed out on the couch right now and I am pondering the fact that he has never once considered the fact that I to would question "why me"? Does he actually think that I wanted an alcohiolic for a husband? DUHH NO! Of course I wonder why. and not jsut about him about alot of things like when my son got so sick when he was 18 months old and my suicidal addict brother, my alcoholic dad that beat me up and not my sis or brother. Of course I have but I am not trying to hide from what I question or dround my sorrows in beer I am doing something about it for me. He know this and he was actually supportive about it saying "I hope it makes you feel better" His comment made me feel good and who knows maybe through the fogg he sees that doing for me is better for both of us.
Love in recovery JJ
cdb said
Mar 12, 2005
Hello jj,
It sounds like your husband is having stress at work. It sounds like you are stressed out and angry too. It is so hard to communicate with our loved ones when we are both in a different spot than each other. That happens to my husband and I. Have you tried to have compassion for his disease yet? This is something I am trying to do with my daughter. That is nice that he said something positive to you about your recovery work. The question why me is a good one. There is an organization for women with breast cancer called Why ME? It just shows that so many people have the same question but it can be related to different issues. Does anyone really know why my daughter has alcoholism or why you had to marry an alcoholic or should we deal with what we have right now, today? I have chosen to deal with my daughter which is alot different than you dealing with your husband and father to your kids. I guess if we can come to the same spot in communicating then that would be good. I can never communicate well with my husband when I am angry at him. What can you do to get some of that anger out? I cherish the moments when my husband and I can communicate. I hope you can also have more of those moments with your husband,,but then again my husband isn't an A. Does any of this help at all? I am even confusing myself here. LOL. Well, hang in there and take care of you and your anger too if that is where you are at right now. Your friend, cdb
megan said
Mar 12, 2005
Hi JJ
I find with my A that he is eminently selfish now that he is binging and drinking heavily. Maybe he always was and I just didn't notice. It seems that everything in some way shape or form is about HIM. he evn questions me about work and throws his perspective on it which is so warped as to be ludicrous.
No one would choose to be an A or married to an A as far as I can tell...
Do something for YOU today... I know I will...
Megan
jj said
Mar 12, 2005
Thanks for your replys and I didn't think that I was angry but maybe I am. I guess what amazes me is that he wouldn't consider that I have had thoes same thoughts. I know the disease doesn't allow him his see alot of what I think he shoud but I realized that he is oblivious to any of what I feel. That to is because of the disease. I have alot to learn and growing to do when it comes to compassion towards the disease and understanding what it does to him.
Communication; well I have to say I wait for sober time and just go head on with the honest truth. If it is something that might be hurtful I try to let him know that it is not intended to be that way just honesty. I have never had much trouble trying to express myself it might take some time but I do get out what i need to say but he never talks and what I did to him last night by shutting him down was rude and inconsiderate of me but we had already discussed it when he was sober earlier that afternoon and to here him talk about it again while drunk is generally upsetting and usually ends up in argument so I ubruptly put an end to it.
As I read this I am thinking to myself wow you are so selfish!!! He never talks about his problems and here he tried to talk and I shut him down when I shoud have been supportive and sensitive to his feelings. I have thrown myself into my recovery and in that I have forgotten that he still needs me to be supportive of him even if it is when he is drunk and just needs me to listen to his drunkin babble. He is being supportive of me when I need it and the least I could do is show the same consideration. I have always been so supportive in the past and why shoud that change now?...Right.
Well thanks for helpping me realize that I have so much more to work on and not to forget also.
Love your friend in recovery JJ
cdb said
Mar 13, 2005
Hello jj,
Just because I talked about maybe you being angry doesn't mean you were. It is hard to understand a person's situation from words on this message board. I have recently learned here that it is not worth it to talk to a drunk. In fact, I have learned that at home too. LOL. MY 23 year old son recently was home and he goes out and gets drunk. I am lucky to say that he has cut way back since he went to his sister's family meeting and is learning things about alcoholism. Well, after this one nite out, he came home and started to talk to me about his sister in treatment and all kinds of things. He wasn't slurring his words and seemed okay. He was talking loud though and woke my husband up who had to be to work in 2 hours at 4am. Well, husband and I both chatted with him for at least 2 hours. He talked about when he was a young child etc. The next morning my son started to tell me something and I said, you told me that last night. He said, "I did?" Then he said something else he told me too. LOL. He said well mom I wasn't in that good of shape you know. And that he gets like that with his girlfriend too. He will remember talking about what he did when he was drunk but only when someone reminds him. Well, I told him, if I would have known that, I would have went to bed and not listened to you. Well, I noticed last night he didn't drink alot either and came home before his girlfriend did! LOL. So what I am saying to you is remember that I am not married to an alcoholic like you and I try to relate things that may help you but do keep in mind I am new to alanon too and to take what you want and leave the rest. Your friend in recovery, cdb :)
megan said
Mar 13, 2005
Hi JJ
i tend to agree with CDB that it is of no good purpose to talk to your A when he is drunk.
he will not remember. I get so angry myself from telling him the same thing over and over and over.
It makes me mad when he will say (when sober) you never told me about this or that and yes I told him.
Sometimes i just have to walk away not to explode with frustration.
My AH came home tonight and asked... Do you ever ask yourself "why me"? Almost before he finished I answered yes all the time. He had this supprised look on his face like what for?? He never said another word when I could tell he wanted to talk about how hard things are for him and he wanted me to feel sory for him. I know the situation that he was trying to bring up because I was at the shop today when his sister and him got the bad news about having to move their office and shop to another bay or find a new place to move the business to. I am sure he wanted my sympathy but I had none for him as I went through the same uncertanty he did this afternoon and hatched it up to bad timming and that things happen for a reason.
So he is snoring passed out on the couch right now and I am pondering the fact that he has never once considered the fact that I to would question "why me"? Does he actually think that I wanted an alcohiolic for a husband? DUHH NO! Of course I wonder why. and not jsut about him about alot of things like when my son got so sick when he was 18 months old and my suicidal addict brother, my alcoholic dad that beat me up and not my sis or brother. Of course I have but I am not trying to hide from what I question or dround my sorrows in beer I am doing something about it for me. He know this and he was actually supportive about it saying "I hope it makes you feel better" His comment made me feel good and who knows maybe through the fogg he sees that doing for me is better for both of us.
Love in recovery
JJ
Hello jj,
It sounds like your husband is having stress at work. It sounds like you are stressed out and angry too. It is so hard to communicate with our loved ones when we are both in a different spot than each other. That happens to my husband and I. Have you tried to have compassion for his disease yet? This is something I am trying to do with my daughter. That is nice that he said something positive to you about your recovery work. The question why me is a good one. There is an organization for women with breast cancer called Why ME? It just shows that so many people have the same question but it can be related to different issues. Does anyone really know why my daughter has alcoholism or why you had to marry an alcoholic or should we deal with what we have right now, today? I have chosen to deal with my daughter which is alot different than you dealing with your husband and father to your kids. I guess if we can come to the same spot in communicating then that would be good. I can never communicate well with my husband when I am angry at him. What can you do to get some of that anger out? I cherish the moments when my husband and I can communicate. I hope you can also have more of those moments with your husband,,but then again my husband isn't an A. Does any of this help at all? I am even confusing myself here. LOL. Well, hang in there and take care of you and your anger too if that is where you are at right now. Your friend, cdb
Hi JJ
I find with my A that he is eminently selfish now that he is binging and drinking heavily. Maybe he always was and I just didn't notice. It seems that everything in some way shape or form is about HIM. he evn questions me about work and throws his perspective on it which is so warped as to be ludicrous.
No one would choose to be an A or married to an A as far as I can tell...
Do something for YOU today... I know I will...
Megan
Thanks for your replys and I didn't think that I was angry but maybe I am. I guess what amazes me is that he wouldn't consider that I have had thoes same thoughts. I know the disease doesn't allow him his see alot of what I think he shoud but I realized that he is oblivious to any of what I feel. That to is because of the disease. I have alot to learn and growing to do when it comes to compassion towards the disease and understanding what it does to him.
Communication; well I have to say I wait for sober time and just go head on with the honest truth. If it is something that might be hurtful I try to let him know that it is not intended to be that way just honesty. I have never had much trouble trying to express myself it might take some time but I do get out what i need to say but he never talks and what I did to him last night by shutting him down was rude and inconsiderate of me but we had already discussed it when he was sober earlier that afternoon and to here him talk about it again while drunk is generally upsetting and usually ends up in argument so I ubruptly put an end to it.
As I read this I am thinking to myself wow you are so selfish!!! He never talks about his problems and here he tried to talk and I shut him down when I shoud have been supportive and sensitive to his feelings. I have thrown myself into my recovery and in that I have forgotten that he still needs me to be supportive of him even if it is when he is drunk and just needs me to listen to his drunkin babble. He is being supportive of me when I need it and the least I could do is show the same consideration. I have always been so supportive in the past and why shoud that change now?...Right.
Well thanks for helpping me realize that I have so much more to work on and not to forget also.
Love your friend in recovery
JJ
Hello jj,
Just because I talked about maybe you being angry doesn't mean you were. It is hard to understand a person's situation from words on this message board. I have recently learned here that it is not worth it to talk to a drunk. In fact, I have learned that at home too. LOL. MY 23 year old son recently was home and he goes out and gets drunk. I am lucky to say that he has cut way back since he went to his sister's family meeting and is learning things about alcoholism. Well, after this one nite out, he came home and started to talk to me about his sister in treatment and all kinds of things. He wasn't slurring his words and seemed okay. He was talking loud though and woke my husband up who had to be to work in 2 hours at 4am. Well, husband and I both chatted with him for at least 2 hours. He talked about when he was a young child etc. The next morning my son started to tell me something and I said, you told me that last night. He said, "I did?" Then he said something else he told me too. LOL. He said well mom I wasn't in that good of shape you know. And that he gets like that with his girlfriend too. He will remember talking about what he did when he was drunk but only when someone reminds him. Well, I told him, if I would have known that, I would have went to bed and not listened to you. Well, I noticed last night he didn't drink alot either and came home before his girlfriend did! LOL. So what I am saying to you is remember that I am not married to an alcoholic like you and I try to relate things that may help you but do keep in mind I am new to alanon too and to take what you want and leave the rest. Your friend in recovery, cdb :)
Hi JJ
i tend to agree with CDB that it is of no good purpose to talk to your A when he is drunk.
he will not remember. I get so angry myself from telling him the same thing over and over and over.
It makes me mad when he will say (when sober) you never told me about this or that and yes I told him.
Sometimes i just have to walk away not to explode with frustration.
i take alot of long hot showers sometimes.