I come here daily and read posts but rarely post myself.  Today, I am in need of experience, strength, and hope from those of you who may have been through these things in the past.   My 26 y/o daughter is one of the addicts/mental illness in my life.  I got a call from her yesterday in the midst of an agrument with her b/f.  I told her, "You two need to stop arguing."  Then calmly hung up the phone, as I cannot stand to hear them holler, cuss, or abuse each other.   When I returned from my f2f meeting last night, I had two collect calls on my answering machine from her from the jail in the town where she has been staying with her b/f and one from him...saying where she was, he didn't do it, and come and get her out.    I know that she is waiting for me to come or call even though I have told her in the past that I will NOT bail her out of trouble.  I, also, have to explain to my grandchildren (that I am raising) that their mother will not be here to pick them up for visitation this evening as planned.   In my mind.....I know that I have to let natural consequences occur.....but why in my illness.......why do I feel I should of , could of, or would of??????????????   Oh...how I hate this dis-ease!  When is it mental illness...when is it addiction...or is there a difference.....   Your thoughts and experience would much be appreciated....    

As painful as it is, I believe you are doing the right thing.  Until an addict suffers enough negative consequences from their drug use, they will not seek recovery.  When using becomes more of a pain than a pain reliever, then maybe they will become willing to try another way.  Many addicts suffer from one form of mental illness or another.  Mine suffers from major depression.  Until the drug use stops, the other cannot be treated.  It's a vicious catch 22 they find themselves in.  Give her to her Higher Power over and over again in your heart and mind.  Try your best to Let go and Let God.  What you can't do, He can.  Whenever my A was suffering some negative consequence from his drug use and I felt that incredible urge to step in and help alieviate his pain, I stopped myself by thinking *Just maybe this is bringing him one step closer to his rock bottom where then he will seek help*  I in no way wanted to stand in the way of that happening, or prolong his suffering by *fixing* his problems.  Hope this helps.  You're in my prayers.  Stay strong by leaning on your HP.  Pray to do His will and the rest will fall in place.

I am new here but have been reading the posts...My son admitted to a drug problem 17 days ago.. He went to a 4 day program at the addiction center -was home for a bit then has been in for another 3 days and comes home tonight., That is all we get here!!!!!.. He sees a councillor weekly and  can go to NA or AA.. I went to my first al anon meeting... My husband of 27 years is a week -end alcoholic and that has been a problem all my married life..  I was always helping out son who has lost his job over a month ago.. we paid off many of his bills.. He has a fine for $450  and goes to court on Wed for that...I confronted husband about his drinking seeing Son is trying to get straight.. and husband said " you want to leave ,there is the door just leave your credit cards"   I am so hurt...I keep putting up with it.. I wish I had a place to go when he drinks.. He held a job for 27 years -never late a day..is very loving and caring when not drinking and has always been a good provider. but  but but..............

So I do know how hard is with a child who is a user..... I find chat rooms hard to keep up with ..would love to chat one on one..  do you use msn or yahoo? 

Hopefully better days are on the way... I now have to go pick up A son and wonder what mood he will be in..

~~Pam~~

 

Hello Lucy,

My 20 year old a daughter also has depression. When they use they cannot or should not take their medications. I agree with what Kathy S said. One time I went and bailed my a daughter out of jail thinking it was this awful horrible place, which some may be. Well, I interruputed her card playing with some other inmates..LOL. That is when I learned that jail may not be as bad as we think it is. Gees, they get free room and board. We told our daughter if she goes to jail again we are not bailing her out and we will stick to our decision and did the last time. Mental illness can play a main part but unless they stop their usage, the mental health professionals can't do much with them either. Keep focusing on you and those beautiful grandkids. Let your daughter's HP work on her. Try to let go and let God and gain your serenity back for you and your household. cdb

Hi,

I have a 44 yr. old daughter who is an addict and bi polar.  I have been in al non since 1977.  I continue to have to work on being aware that my good days do not depend on my daughters using or not.  which came first the egg or chicken I say to myself.  addiction or mental illness.  I do know that if she uses her mental illness gets worse.  I can let you know as a mother who has been living with this for 32 years with this soul, she has given me the gift of learning what unconditional love is and letting go and letting god.

I can hear your pain and I support you in taking care of yourself and letting her find her way.  It is so true, that when the pain is enough the addict will trun around.  My daughter has her 7 yr. son with her.  she has had periods of 1-2 years clean.  she is at this time using and I continue to ask myself, do I leave the child with her or not.  she is in another state.  some days I seem to have more questions then answers, but one thing I know.  My HP never gives me a problem with out the answer being available and many of my answers have been in the continueing practice of al non.

my prayers are with you.

kb

Thanks so much for replying to my posts..........The blessing for yesterday was that I had the support of such wonderful Alanon friends...here online and f2f.  I just don't know what I would do without this program.  I know that through this my HP is teaching me something, each crisis being a potential learning experience. 

Lessons I have learned through this..

I can say NO

I can say NO and not feel guilt

I can love her without that love being linked to pain

I can love her and not have to do anything to prove it

No matter which I choose to do or not so...she will not love me more or less

Lastly, I am completely powerlessness over other people, places, and things...and the outcome of their actions do not have to bring me to reaction.

I am taking baby steps in progress...thanks for holding my hand when I needed it so.  You all are a wonderful group.

Oh, by the way, I did not bail her out......and did not let her get me all caught up in that drama.  The kids and I had a wonderful day. 

Alanon Love,

Lucy2