This place has been a comfort for me.  My S/O is now in a wonderful treatment program.  It focuses on her.  Sure there is a group for us both to attend- "family night".  It's great if your A partner doesn't cop out with fear and tears.  They are here for her, not me.  Angry night was suppose to be for both of us.  Her fear and tears got her out of it.  So, once again, I stuff it.  I can't let anyone know of my extreme anger over years of being the only adult to  keep our family going in society.  I can't let anyone know of the hell it's been because the moment I do- I'm yelled at to just leave this situation- with no understanding of what an alcoholic is all about- it's a disease- I know that- but society does not.  I LOVE my S/O.  We are all about "in sickness and in health".  My partner is sick.  This is not the first time she has been sick.  I've supported her through 5 health problems that were very serious.  The alcohol problem has been the most intense because it's been through all 10 years of our committed relationship.  She is seeking help now.  That leaves me with intense anger and frustration over dealing with everything and suger coating everything for her protection.  Now that everything is out in the open, I am left in the dirt and everyone is all about loving her, comforting her, supporting her- it's her blood family- why wouldn't they?  Everyone on my side only tell me to leave because they don't understand. 

So I stuff it all.  I'm going to explode.  I can't stand life. 

Hello Page,

Glad you decided to post. Stuffing it is not healthy for us. My 20 year old daughter is in a treatment program now and I feel some of a little of what you talk about. She gets to do fun things, her meals are provided and cooked, no house work or dishes to do, lots of group therapy with new fun people to be around, etc. etc.  I sometimes think, I wish I were there being taken care of too. Especially for all the hell her disease has put us through. Hubby and I are a wreck here back home. I don't know what I would do without this site or this message board to get my feelings out.

We have our second family meeting tomorrow and I have this gutt feeling it is going to be about how she feels about hubby and especially me. Her big thing now is to not move back in with us but to get her own apartment right away. WEll, she has no money so I don't know how she plans on doing that. They need to teach her how to get along with us, not run away like she always does and has done ever since she has been using. Things are just too easy for her there I believe. I have asked them to please transition her back home. They did let her get her car this week and when she stopped home for only 15 minutes, I could see how scatter brained she was. That was a red flag for me. She also made alot of calls for apartments for rent. With no money like I said. Gees.

So, this meeting ought to be interesting. I do have my own psychologist to talk with next week to process my feelings, but my hubby has only me or a few at work he just talks to a little bit about our daughter. WE sure do get left out when it comes to their treatment. That is why alanon is so important so we take care of us. I know my situation is different than yours since it is my daughter. I can see how much harder it would be with your S/O and her meeting new people and having the attention on her. For some reason these treatment centers don't work with the family too much even though it is a family disease. I don't care for that part myself. So, do what you can to take care of you. Get to f2f meetings and come here to vent and work out your feelings. If you explode, it won't help you or your S/O. Good Luck,,,,,,,,cdb

hi guys ..... just a little note for you about recovery....

i learned this through my spouse who is now in aa 4 years 3 months.....

when first sober, it is very important they avoid all triggers....people, places and things...

it is highly likely that family patterns are old triggers for your daughter....and that is probably why they are suggesting she find her own place....whether or not she has the money for that...let her figure that out....try really hard to give her the dignity of making her own decisions, of finding that out for herself....of letting her make her own mistakes and fixing her own mess.   yep she probably does still look scatterbrained as you said..............recovery does not happen over night as we did not get sick over night (us included)....my husband seemed very unstable and emotionally immature when first sober, but he was sober and i was grateful.  even tho separated with no idea what the future held, i jumped headlong into my program...........put MY will into God's hands, and focussed on me ( no matter what i heard or saw from him).  best thing i could have done for me and him.  for him, taking away reactions and expectations put the pressure off him and helped him focus on his recovery without distractions.

we are back together as a healing family since march 2003.

giving everyone the space to heal, including ourselves is a gift.  hope this helps....

take what you like, and leave the rest.

jo

And that's what Al Anon is for.  So you don't have to stuff all those normal feelings you are feeling.  I once felt the same way.  Sort of like.......oh sure everyone coddle him now and help him, the poor drug addict, well what about ME????  What about the hell I've suffered because of his drug abuse?  Who's going to coddle and help me?  But you know what I learned?  He really needed that help and attention in order to stand a chance at recovery.  I couldn't be selfish.  And that is what I was being.  This program is for me and you.  The rehab, AA meetings, and all the other support your loved one is currently getting is for her.  Let her have it.  She needs it.  That doesn't mean you don't.  You just can't get it from the same source as her.  She needs what she needs and you need what you need.  I encourage you to go to face to face Al Anon meetings in your area, get a sponsor and work the steps.  You will be so glad you did.  Also, as your wife recovers with her support system, you will recover with yours.  In the end you will both be healthy.  Both spiritually and mentally.  I honestly do understand how you feel because as I said, I have been there.  But they say hindsight is 20/20.  If I had it to do over again the very first time my A sought help, I would have gotten out of the way, not been so selfish and sought the help I needed.  This is not the time to feel sorry for yourself.  This is the time to recover.