First, thank you all for your kind words and words of wisdom in my first post.  My A wife quit her job today with my support.  She felt like a ton of weight was lifted off her shoulders.  She was a High School Study Hall aid, all alone with 60 some kids who liked to cause trouble and the administration disarmed her by taking away all disiplinary tools.  She is now looking for other work.  She is sober now for 5 days.  If the stress of the job had anything to do with the drinking, (optimistic thought here) maybe the sobriety will hold.  I still haven't made it to my first face-to-face, not till tomorrow night!  Between reading all your posts and all the pamphlets from Al-Anon I do feel somewhat better.  I still have trouble accepting the concept that Alcoholism is a disease.  Additionally, there are difficult issues in terms of sympathy with diseases that are brought on by poor decisions and ones that you don't have choices about.  For example, if you're warned and warned that you are on the road to diabetes if you don't change your diet and you end up getting diabetes or if you smoke and end up getting lung cancer or emphaseama because you didn't do anything to prevent it.  Is it the same as getting MS or some other disease when you didn't do anything to bring it on yourself.  Wasn't the choice to continue to drink to excess a responsibility.  My wife was warned repeatedly that she needed to back-off the booze.  She has drank all her life and never had an issue about whether it was social or not until the last few months when she started drinking continuously.  Now she is a problem drinker, is that a disease or flagerant disrespect for boundaries and limits, egotistical, and self-centered.  Does it deserve the same compassion as the person who got MS and is an invalid from no fault of their own?  I don't mean to sound cold but shouldn't we be more compassionate to the  true victom not an abuser who got hurt because they abused something stronger than they were, like alcohol.  Yes, I'm still angry about what the alcohol has done to all of us, especially the kids, but I'm also angry that she brought it on all of us without thinking about anyone but herself.

hi,

Accepting that alcoholism is a disease is the essence of the first step.  They don't have any control over alcohol either; you describe her excessive drinking as a choice, but it's much more than that, it's a drive, an uncontrollable impulse.  What makes them so unbearable on the outside, to us their partners, is how ugly they feel to themselves on the inside, so it spills out.  You don't have to have sympathy; you don't have to feel sorry for her.  All you have to do is focus on yourself and your reactions, thoughts, actions.  You will be amazed at the effect on her.  My A got sober long before I ever even started dating him, but he still has these weird alcoholic behaviors, even without drinking.  My attending Al Anon meetings helped me be aware of my own behavior as I reacted to him, and he saw how serene I have become and not wasting energy on little things, and he's doing much better now himself. 

I wish you and your A all the best.  Hopefully she will stay sober, get a satisfying job, feel better about herself.  It's okay to be angry; just keep coming back!   

beskem, The disease vrs choice question. Well about three years ago I was asking the same question, I was angry. I had a hard time buying into this theory..a disease, bs I thought. Well as time went on so did the anger I also began to feel the hopeless feeling and it got deeper along with that came confusion. I guess I had hit my own bottom, I had tried everything, I just couldnt understand it and I felt like I was going crazy. For some reason I decided that maybe she couldn't control it, maybe her brain was different than mine and craved it more than mine. I could see her hurting herself, I know she wasn't enjoying it..I don't think anyone chooses to live in misery, and she most definately was. A turning point for me was when I decided to take this on faith and accept this as a disease. When I did that my anger for her left, still angry at the disease, but I no longer viewed her as the monster that alcoholism wants you to see them as. I actually saw her in pain. That was a big turning point for me. Did I think I could control it..yea but that is another story. I was just at my wife's rehab center and listened to a lecture just on this subject, while there is no real scientific proof there are some very convincing theorys as to why this is not a matter of will alone. Id try to explain but I'd just screw it up cause there are medical terms I cant even pronounce much less spell, like dopamine lol. I would speak to a drug and alcohol professional maybe at her rehab center. I would go to the alanon meeting as well listen to others and maybe an open AA meeting as well. Will my wife be able to hold on to recovery, I don't know and I can't influence it. All I can do is take care of myself and our kids and take one day at a time and turn her recovery to her and God. Faith is something that you believe, even though there is no tangiable proof. Hang on and glad your here. Mark S

Hi Beskam

It is very hard to accept alcoholism as a disease and many of the comparisons you made I too have thought about. Many times I find myself still debating it with myself, but then I remind myself that it is a disease and that while I have no control over it neither does my husband(my A).

I think there are choices but htey first have to admitt they are an Alcoholic, and the very essence of the disease makes that hte hardest part. When we are diagnosed with Diabetes or MS or Cancer, we might look for a second opinion, but if we want to try and beat the disease and live, we have to accept treatment, take our medicine etc.

With an Alcoholic, they too are sick and in need of treatment, but the treatment removes the very thing that the disease has convinced them they need in order to survive. They spend years justifying it and trying to prove they are in control of their drinking and that they are not an Alcoholic.

My husband will call himself a bum, a jerk and a few more colorful terms, but calling him an alcoholic always sent him inot a rage. He has undergone treatment many times, because he was forced, but he never would admitt he was an A, so it failed.

We can be compassionate without feeling sorry for them.

My husband and I are separated because of his drinking, but he has many health problems also because of it. My father in Law was here today asking me to please not take any money this week for the kids, as my husband has not gone to work. He said his BP is through the roof and his intestinal problems have flaired up. He has less than half of them left due to surgery because of his drinking.

He is supposed to be on a strict diet and take BP medicine and not drink. He doesn't take his medicine, because you cannot drink with it, and when drunk he eats as he pleases. I have no sympathy and was accused of being cold. I know he is sick, but he is doing this to himself because he will not seek help, will not admitt that Alcoholism is his problem, he treats the symtoms. I can't do anything about it, it is his decision, but I did tell my Father In law, if the money doesn't go into the bank, I will call the Sheriff. I am tired of my kids suffering because of his drinking.

                                 Love Jeannie

Here is a good article to read on addiction/alcoholism as a disease.

I have posted it on my website:

http://www.worldzone.net/arts/jaded68/Article05.shtml

That should help you understand it a bit better. 

Blessings,
Renee

Hello Beskem,

Boy, can I relate to the study hall thing! I am a teacher and yes the administration does do that to people and then does not have a backbone to help out with discipline. I have found that with my 20 year old alcoholic daughter that she does need structure in her life to stay sober. Maybe your wife could find something else to do to keep her days structured that is less stressfull and more fulfilling even if it is volunteer work. I just felt a need to put this post in since the structure part has been such a main positive in my daughter's recovery. cdb

Thanks again, I read the article ReneeD suggested and it made a lot of sense about Alcoholism being a disease.  As a matter of fact I sent it to all my friends who are trying to help me cope with this whole thing.  On the home front soriety didn't last long five days.  I know I'm not supposed to look for bottles and evidence of her drinking but I'm not there yet.  Because of her general depression that got her started on drinking heavily in the first place, her mood is generally pretty poor.  It has gotten so bad that when I see an up-turn  in her mood I automatically suspect she's been drinking and sure enough Friday night I saw an improved change in mood and later found the half empty bottle of booze hidden under the bed.  The depression is difficult enough to deal with without the alcohol.