Hi Everyone,

     I needed to just sit here and type.  In a way I hate message boards because I can't get an immediate answer.  I want it and I want it now.  Guess that goes with the whole problems I suffer from huh, lol.  Anyway I am so confused. 

     I guess you need some background to know how to answer me.  You see I have been married for almost 10 years, to an a but also a good man.  He really is a good man, but he makes some very bad choices, so do I of course.  I have suffered my way through a couple affairs since we were married, one lasting 2 years and very serious.  He may have left me for her had he not got a DWI the same night I decided to throw him out because I caught him yet again with this women.  Things changed for almost a week, lol, and she was back, then maybe she smartened up and realized he would leave me voluntarily so he dumped him.  She still wants him but shes a player too.  Anyway the last 6 months have been more about him and his drinking and me and my resentments

   In early November he was injured on the job and laid up for 12 weeks and if this didn't happen I think I may have booted him out but during this 12 weeks I saw this great man, the one I believed existed inside him, sober and kind, shy but loving.  Anyway, its not that he gave me all this love and attention during that time but he gave me some hope for the future.  The bad part was that I am still coming off the affair and the DWI he got and the fear that he would return to drinking one he returned to work that I wasted much of that time being resentful and reserved and when he did slip I went at him will both barrels.

  I regret this because now he is back to work and my fears were not unfounded and he drinks almost everyday.  So now I am back to angry all the time and communcation is non-existant, atleast not effective communication.  I voice my opinion a lot.  Not quite in a loving way.  But right now I'm not feeling love and compassion for this person, I feel anger and hurt.

   I guess I'm looking for baby steps, because I don't do well with big steps, on how to conquer this and to focus on me.  I am very hard headed and stubborn, even to myself.  I am also sort of lazy and tend to start this I don't finish or stick to, so thats why the baby steps, hopefully it won't feel like a lot of effort so I will train myself slowly and keep it up.

  Thanks for listening and look forward to your replies.

Holly

-- Edited by holly123 at 11:58, 2005-03-09

glad you are here holly. Believe me, your situation is not unique at all. You came to the right place. for me when I first started, if I started thinking about A's drinking or anything that was his business, not mine, I would say,"STOP" in my head and think about wild flowers. sounds weird but I had to train myself not to get into his inventory. I never yelled or lectured. I am a counselor... but that is just as damaging. I leaned his using is his problem, not mine. I have no control over it so I quit even thinking about it. If he comes in smelling of alcohol I don't care one way or the other. It is not my problem. I then have boundaries of behavior. If he is abusive I point to the door and he leaves. He is living at his mommies now. fine with me. But he comes here to help me fix stuff as I have a farm. If your A was off work, and was on pain pills, this just substituted for the alcohol holly. He was not in AA on a program of recovery, so of course he used again. It is sad but the way of the disease. I expect an a to use. I hope they get some sober time so they feel better. but they have a terrible disease I expect cancer to grow, I hope they have some remission. same thing An a uses period. If they are in a program of recovery, they then have sobriety to be their obsession. We learn to focus on our wants and needs. I learned to take care of me totally. I have my own income, home vehicle etc. If A contributes it is extra. but I tell ya, even when he is here for two days or so, I feel drained. He is nice to me, helps me, calls me hon, but I still feel the disease trying to suck me dry. Plus, out of nowhere, comes this demon I have to get off my place. It is horrible. I do relate. We feel the love and we feel the friendship. We of course respond in kind. But then the demon disease surfaces and I feel nauseated, sad my loved one is gone again. yuck. Getting them sober is a great book, It is easey to read and I learned so much from it. keep coming back!! chat room is always open Holly if you need to get help asap. and we have meetings here too. Please come. if you go to chat make sure when ya put your nic, if it is holly, put hollyhocks768 or something to make it unusual. Love,debilyn

Thanks Debyln,

    I just wanted to clarify that I have been in Al-Anon for a year.  And I really appreciate what you said.  I do feel it necessary to point out that when he was out of work, he did have pain medication but I know for a fact since I'm the one who got the refills that except for the first couple weeks when the pain was extremely intense he avoided using the medication because he was afraid of becoming addicted and only took the medicine about 1/2 the time needed, I felt that that was very good and only reasonable, since his ankle and leg were both broken badly.

   Also I have read the Getting Them Sober book both the first and second one, these are great books.  At one time I was making great progress, but unfortuneatly fell off the wagon so to speak when he got hurt.  I knew it wasn't the answer to our problems, but when I saw him clean and sober for the better part of 12 weeks, I did begin to have hope which was instantly dashed when he returned to work.

 

Hi Holly

I know it is hard having your hopes dashed. It is easy to see any glimmer of hope and run with it, only to be drawn back in.

I had the biggest problem with the anger and hurt. I always felt betrayed, and I saw myself commenting in a very shrewish way, almost all of the time.I believed he was the one who was wrong, so I felt justified.

I had to take a long look at me and didn't like what I saw.

A councilor once told me to stop thinking fantasy and look to reality. She said "he is an alcoholic, and he is going to drink, unless he seeks treatment, which by the way you have no control over." Then she told me to either accept it(not the same as condoning it) or get out.

For a few years I worked on me, how I dealt with it, and tried to make myself happy regardless of what he did. I finally did come to the decision, I could not accept active drinking and abuse, and gave him a choice, stop or leave. He passified me for a while, but now we are separated.

I am not telling you to leave. You asked for baby steps. The first one is to deal with you, what you want, and what makes you happy. You have to take care of yourself first.

Living for the peaceful days only causes resentmen, you have to live regardless.

                                             Love Jeannie