Gosh, went to an alanon retreat. Some of it is still sinking in. A friend of mine tried to remind me when dealing with my A, "No defense, (defensiveness) No retaliation."
I guess I think of it as take no offense, no need to retaliate.
megan said
Mar 8, 2005
An alanon retreat - how can I get information on attending one of these? last July there was one in NJ (where I live). I didn't go because at the time my A had quit and I thought life would be perfect. haha
Retaliation I've found to me an empty sad victory...
Jill said
Mar 8, 2005
Retaliation an empty victory. No kiddin!
I was just reviewing our joint bank account, and I can see where I offensively spent in reaction to some waste of money I saw him doing. Today I can see that 2 people spending foolishly is twice as bad as one. That's just arithmetic. I used to get something for myself so I wouldn't get resentful. I like the no defensiveness no retaliation approach better. It appeals to me. Thank you for bringing this to light.
Jill
richard said
Mar 8, 2005
You know… these hurt feelings that you squash, bury, stuff, push down, deny… if you do not do something, like spend a little money on yourselves, you know like be nice to yourself, to relieve the pressure, you go will nuts, explode at the wrong time and place. I guess it is a matter perspective… retaliation or self-preservation? 12-stepers so hard on themselves… I wonder if being so hard on themselves is a part of martyrdom syndrome… hmm, now am I being hard on 12-stepers?
Hugs & Luv,
-- Edited by richard at 00:01, 2005-03-09
nmike said
Mar 9, 2005
Boy, am I struggling with this one. My recovering a husband has become so self-centered. It has been difficult to not take offense or be defensive when he says the things he does. He says he wants out of our marriage and that the last thirty years is history. He says he wants nothing to do with me. He talks about his new job, buying a house for his retirement, buying a years membership on the golf course. I literally cannot say anything without him blowing up and repeating the above phrases about how our marriage has been doomed from the beginning. It is difficult to hear all his negativity about myself. I find that I wording my sentences ever so careful so he won't have anything on me and of course that is useless. He rephrases everything I say and takes my inventory. Then he says if I am not willing to talk about it then he will just leave and not look back. So how do you not get defensive and protect what is left of yourself? How do you keep from retaliating when you feel that that is all you have left?
I wish I was in a position to take no offense. Thanks for listening
Gosh, went to an alanon retreat. Some of it is still sinking in. A friend of mine tried to remind me when dealing with my A, "No defense, (defensiveness) No retaliation."
I guess I think of it as take no offense, no need to retaliate.
An alanon retreat - how can I get information on attending one of these? last July there was one in NJ (where I live). I didn't go because at the time my A had quit and I thought life would be perfect. haha
Retaliation I've found to me an empty sad victory...
Retaliation an empty victory. No kiddin!
I was just reviewing our joint bank account, and I can see where I offensively spent in reaction to some waste of money I saw him doing. Today I can see that 2 people spending foolishly is twice as bad as one. That's just arithmetic. I used to get something for myself so I wouldn't get resentful. I like the no defensiveness no retaliation approach better. It appeals to me. Thank you for bringing this to light.
Jill
You know… these hurt feelings that you squash, bury, stuff, push down, deny… if you do not do something, like spend a little money on yourselves, you know like be nice to yourself, to relieve the pressure, you go will nuts, explode at the wrong time and place. I guess it is a matter perspective… retaliation or self-preservation? 12-stepers so hard on themselves… I wonder if being so hard on themselves is a part of martyrdom syndrome… hmm, now am I being hard on 12-stepers?
Hugs & Luv,
-- Edited by richard at 00:01, 2005-03-09
Boy, am I struggling with this one. My recovering a husband has become so self-centered. It has been difficult to not take offense or be defensive when he says the things he does. He says he wants out of our marriage and that the last thirty years is history. He says he wants nothing to do with me. He talks about his new job, buying a house for his retirement, buying a years membership on the golf course. I literally cannot say anything without him blowing up and repeating the above phrases about how our marriage has been doomed from the beginning. It is difficult to hear all his negativity about myself. I find that I wording my sentences ever so careful so he won't have anything on me and of course that is useless. He rephrases everything I say and takes my inventory. Then he says if I am not willing to talk about it then he will just leave and not look back. So how do you not get defensive and protect what is left of yourself? How do you keep from retaliating when you feel that that is all you have left?
I wish I was in a position to take no offense. Thanks for listening
Nancy