Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.
There is a saying in the AlaTeen Twelve Step Program that says, “God Can’t do his work if you’re standing in His way.”
Several years ago a popular song said, “If it don’t fit---don’t force it---just relax and let it go---Just cause you want it---doesn’t make it so.”
Some people use the three-strike rule. Try three times to force your will—and then turn it over to your Higher Power.
Many of us in Naranon find Step Three very difficult to apply to our lives. Some of us come to a stop at Step Three while others just step over it. We are not willing to turn our will and life over to a God or Higher Power that we don’t know or understand. For too long, we have been the controllers, the ones our families expect to fix things. A lot of times, we were there to help even when our help was not needed or wanted and even rejected. How many of us have called the addict’s employer, lied about their being late or not going to work? How many of us have paid the traffic tickets, the bails, the lawyers, the rent, the bills and covered up for them when they didn’t show up at family and social affairs? We got the information for the addicts about the recovery centers and meeting schedules. We took them to their meetings, and gave them advice on how many and how often they should attend. We have done (and some of us still do) for our addicts the things they need to do for themselves. We forced our will, and didn’t allow the will of the Higher Power to be done.
As we started to work this Step, most of us became confused about when we are helping and when we are hindering. Maybe if we could just remember that the addicts didn’t need our help when they started and continued their drug abuse, we might be able to step aside and allow them to suffer the consequences of their actions and seek their own recovery. Maybe if we could learn to “Let Go”, and apply the Serenity Prayer to our lives, we might be able to make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God or a Higher Power.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Step Four
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
That’s right! An inventory of ourselves is necessary to progress in our recovery in Naranon. Taking our own inventory is a new idea for most of us. We are so used to putting the focus on our loved one. This is a program of personal progress and so we must put the focus on ourselves and work on improving our own lives.
For many of us, the first searching and fearless moral inventory is painful. We feel alienated from the person we want to be and have become a stranger to our own gifts. We are often living a life in conflict with our true nature. But we soon discover that it is also exciting to realize those life-affirming attributes within.
Perhaps if we look upon this inventory as a harvest of our inner garden, we will benefit from knowing our strengths, weaknesses, triumphs and our self-destructive behaviors. Are we power hungry? Are we possessive or jealous? Are we determined to do things our own way? Are we intolerant of differences? Do we try to smooth over disagreements or troubles? Do we indulge in gossip? Are we overly sensitive and quick to take offence at what others say? Do we let the needs of others govern us while we ignore our own? Are we willing to take responsibility for problems we’ve caused? Are we people-pleasers? Do we carry grudges? These are just a few of the weeds that choke our progress and well-being. We will benefit from changing our unhealthy behaviors and developing our strengths.
We have fear, resentment and anger that leave no room for growth. But in the process of weeding, we will use the first three Steps. When we face our powerlessness and inability to manage our own lives, we turn to our belief in a Higher Power who can restore us to sanity. Now we can focus on changing. We do this by carefully searching for the elements within our character that work and are life-supporting, and also by identifying our self-defeating and harmful behaviors. We call the weeds, weeds. We begin the process of practicing honesty with others and ourselves. We stop ignoring, hiding, covering up and denying that there is room for improvement in our lives. We become fearless in discovering what is working in our lives and what is hurting us and others.
Our Fourth Step feels like the lifting of denial when we first talked about the problems of addiction. Now we are dealing with our own problems, instead of the addict’s. Now we are beginning to grow healthy by pruning, weeding and appreciating ourselves. Our Fourth Step is a cleansing, a turning over of soil, giving air and making our burdens lighter.
Step Four is a process. We don’t unearth all of our character and leave it to fallow. We cultivate ourselves periodically, repeating the process. As we do this, we see our progress, we remember our journey and we rejoice in our Higher Power’s ability to guide us to a more fulfilling and joyful life.
megan said
Mar 7, 2005
thank-you JJ. These are exactly the steps that i am starting to work on.
cdb said
Mar 7, 2005
Hello jj,
Thank you so much for this post. I am going to read it over some more and do alot of reflecting. I also plan to compare what you put here with my Paths to Recovery book. The first part of your post sounded just like my husband and I. We payed our daughters parking fines,,etc. etc. etc. Sometimes I wonder if I should be at a naranon chat site. My daughters drug of choice is weed/pot. I also found out she took 2 of my ritalin pills in January,,,yet I have many more she could have taken and lots of other medication for my fibromyalgia and chronic pain. Just today I bought a box and a lock for it as my daughter requested.I do have other medications locked up that aren't being used but my daily ones have been in the cupboard. Sure she can pick up any lock box etc. but for her she needs the meds to be out of site out of mind. She is not only an alcoholic but a drug addict. :(
We already owe $1,000.00 for her month of treatment and that has me so stressed out. Hubby and I decided we would rather owe another thousand then to get her home before she is ready. The treatment center said they will work with us on payments.
Thanks again for this post,,,,and I hope your life continues on the upside. If not, we will be here for sure on the message board for each other. cdb
jj said
Mar 7, 2005
Thank you Megan and cdb for your replys I wasn't sure if anyone was interested in these. Or if I should post all 12 at once. You guys decuide and maybe John might read it and decuide to post it as a sticky on the top of the forum post for all new commers. Just my thoughts.
cdb thank you for the encouragement and diddo to you. Thank you for all you have done for me. The strenght you show and share in your posts definately give me strengh as well.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.
There is a saying in the AlaTeen Twelve Step Program that says, “God Can’t do his work if you’re standing in His way.”
Several years ago a popular song said, “If it don’t fit---don’t force it---just relax and let it go---Just cause you want it---doesn’t make it so.”
Some people use the three-strike rule. Try three times to force your will—and then turn it over to your Higher Power.
Many of us in Naranon find Step Three very difficult to apply to our lives. Some of us come to a stop at Step Three while others just step over it. We are not willing to turn our will and life over to a God or Higher Power that we don’t know or understand. For too long, we have been the controllers, the ones our families expect to fix things. A lot of times, we were there to help even when our help was not needed or wanted and even rejected. How many of us have called the addict’s employer, lied about their being late or not going to work? How many of us have paid the traffic tickets, the bails, the lawyers, the rent, the bills and covered up for them when they didn’t show up at family and social affairs? We got the information for the addicts about the recovery centers and meeting schedules. We took them to their meetings, and gave them advice on how many and how often they should attend. We have done (and some of us still do) for our addicts the things they need to do for themselves. We forced our will, and didn’t allow the will of the Higher Power to be done.
As we started to work this Step, most of us became confused about when we are helping and when we are hindering. Maybe if we could just remember that the addicts didn’t need our help when they started and continued their drug abuse, we might be able to step aside and allow them to suffer the consequences of their actions and seek their own recovery. Maybe if we could learn to “Let Go”, and apply the Serenity Prayer to our lives, we might be able to make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God or a Higher Power.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Step Four
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
That’s right! An inventory of ourselves is necessary to progress in our recovery in Naranon. Taking our own inventory is a new idea for most of us. We are so used to putting the focus on our loved one. This is a program of personal progress and so we must put the focus on ourselves and work on improving our own lives.
For many of us, the first searching and fearless moral inventory is painful. We feel alienated from the person we want to be and have become a stranger to our own gifts. We are often living a life in conflict with our true nature. But we soon discover that it is also exciting to realize those life-affirming attributes within.
Perhaps if we look upon this inventory as a harvest of our inner garden, we will benefit from knowing our strengths, weaknesses, triumphs and our self-destructive behaviors. Are we power hungry? Are we possessive or jealous? Are we determined to do things our own way? Are we intolerant of differences? Do we try to smooth over disagreements or troubles? Do we indulge in gossip? Are we overly sensitive and quick to take offence at what others say? Do we let the needs of others govern us while we ignore our own? Are we willing to take responsibility for problems we’ve caused? Are we people-pleasers? Do we carry grudges? These are just a few of the weeds that choke our progress and well-being. We will benefit from changing our unhealthy behaviors and developing our strengths.
We have fear, resentment and anger that leave no room for growth. But in the process of weeding, we will use the first three Steps. When we face our powerlessness and inability to manage our own lives, we turn to our belief in a Higher Power who can restore us to sanity. Now we can focus on changing. We do this by carefully searching for the elements within our character that work and are life-supporting, and also by identifying our self-defeating and harmful behaviors. We call the weeds, weeds. We begin the process of practicing honesty with others and ourselves. We stop ignoring, hiding, covering up and denying that there is room for improvement in our lives. We become fearless in discovering what is working in our lives and what is hurting us and others.
Our Fourth Step feels like the lifting of denial when we first talked about the problems of addiction. Now we are dealing with our own problems, instead of the addict’s. Now we are beginning to grow healthy by pruning, weeding and appreciating ourselves. Our Fourth Step is a cleansing, a turning over of soil, giving air and making our burdens lighter.
Step Four is a process. We don’t unearth all of our character and leave it to fallow. We cultivate ourselves periodically, repeating the process. As we do this, we see our progress, we remember our journey and we rejoice in our Higher Power’s ability to guide us to a more fulfilling and joyful life.
Hello jj,
Thank you so much for this post. I am going to read it over some more and do alot of reflecting. I also plan to compare what you put here with my Paths to Recovery book. The first part of your post sounded just like my husband and I. We payed our daughters parking fines,,etc. etc. etc. Sometimes I wonder if I should be at a naranon chat site. My daughters drug of choice is weed/pot. I also found out she took 2 of my ritalin pills in January,,,yet I have many more she could have taken and lots of other medication for my fibromyalgia and chronic pain. Just today I bought a box and a lock for it as my daughter requested.I do have other medications locked up that aren't being used but my daily ones have been in the cupboard. Sure she can pick up any lock box etc. but for her she needs the meds to be out of site out of mind. She is not only an alcoholic but a drug addict. :(
We already owe $1,000.00 for her month of treatment and that has me so stressed out. Hubby and I decided we would rather owe another thousand then to get her home before she is ready. The treatment center said they will work with us on payments.
Thanks again for this post,,,,and I hope your life continues on the upside. If not, we will be here for sure on the message board for each other. cdb
Thank you Megan and cdb for your replys I wasn't sure if anyone was interested in these. Or if I should post all 12 at once. You guys decuide and maybe John might read it and decuide to post it as a sticky on the top of the forum post for all new commers. Just my thoughts.
cdb thank you for the encouragement and diddo to you. Thank you for all you have done for me. The strenght you show and share in your posts definately give me strengh as well.
JJ
-- Edited by jj at 19:59, 2005-03-07