I've worked the steps and discovered that I am emotionally immature and needy. I also discovered that I married a really decent man who is emotionally unavailable. (I'll pass on the hardware store theory have heard it plenty of times). What I need to know, is now what? I especially want to hear from anyone who continues to live with someone who is emotionally unavailable? Can I do this? Is it worth doing? Will this loneliness and neediness ever go away? Tonight I am wishing he would sit up with me until dawn to end the argument we had and then just be with each other to share our thoughts, hearts, dreams....but that kind of closeness is like nails on chalkboard for him. In the meantime, I am becoming bitter and nasty cause I am going through so much as I find out I have emotions and I have no idea what to do with them.... any thoughts..... I understand how to work the physical and spiritual parts of this program....but this emotional thing has me in a fit.... thanks.... A.M.
Maria123 said
Mar 7, 2005
Hi ((((Fine)))),
I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing right now. This morning during open chat we were talking about that same subject of feeling alone even when the one you love is in the same room or going to bed at night with a glacier between us and our loved ones.
I no longer live with that and I know you asked for help from someone who does. I do know however that we are worthy of the love and support needed and if our significant other cannot provide it, we must go to a source of support where it can be fulfilled.
I just wanted you to know that I care and hope you continue to keep coming here where you will find the love and support and your self-esteem will grow and then you can decide what you will and will not accept.
Hugs, Maria
lildee said
Mar 7, 2005
Dearest Fineline,
There are two things going on here. Your problems (immaturity & neediness) and his problems (emotionally unavailable.) Both of these problems need to be seperated. You can work on yours and him on his. You are not going to change him, just as he is not going to change you. Can find ways in your life to resolve your neediness and immaturity and learn to stand on your own two feet? To take some responsiblity in your relationship? Getting busy will help. Go out with friends or other Alanon members. Have you expressed your needs to your hubby? Remember he is not a mind reader. You said "Tonight I am wishing he would sit up with me until dawn....." Have you asked him to stay with you and talk? Just as we set boundaries for our "A"s , we also need to let them know what we need. What his perception of your needs are, and what you want maybe two totally different things.
As for the emotionally unavailable portion .... that's my hubby. He never was a big talker or one to express emotions openly. But as he moves through his rocovery program he is beginning to open up in new ways that he never would have before recovery. He maybe emotionally unavailable because his recovery is all he can do at this point. But that is his job to work on, not yours.
In any event all that you can do is to work on you, learn how to be dependent on yourself to find your happiness. Keep working your program the growth and maturity will come.
Love & God Bless
lildee
jj said
Mar 7, 2005
((((((((((((fineline)))))))))))))
I enjoyed our visit tonight and like i said had planned to reply to this post. We discussed pretty much everything i thought of sharing with you so i just want to say that anytime you want to talk i am here for you.
I will keep you and your husband in my prayers and hope that you can find happiness again. Don't forget that you are not alone although at times you may feel that way.
I look forward to our next visit and know that my ear is always available.
"Take rest; a field that has rested gives a beautiful crop" JJ
richard said
Mar 7, 2005
When it comes to alleviating mental, emotional, social, spiritual illness the first step is to the coloring of the illness, the next step is choices, then action. This is easy enough to say, but I am sure it is how it is.
kerry5 said
Mar 7, 2005
I feel like ive been posting alot on here. But i know exactly where your coming from. Ive lived both sides of it. When i was first with my ex i used to hug him often and sit beside him and turn the tv off and talk. I was 19 then i did for about 3 years and he always used to push me away, and act like it was nails on a chalkboard for him. So i stopped giving hugs and i stopped being so needy and attached. I did what i wanted around the house. We moved into a bigger apartment and we had two tvs and eventually i would be watching tv in the living room and him in his room. But i still married him. We talked and were ok for a couple of months. Then a few years later he decided i was to cold with him and he missed the way i used to be with hugging and talking. But he didnt like it and i made myself change to not need that anymore and then he wanted it back. And to his suprise i couldnt give it. We had two kids but we werent very close after. I went into depression and he used to call me a basket case cause i needed "happy pills" he started hugging me and talking and i couldnt give it anymore at all i got annoyed then near the end of my marriage last two years imtimacy became a real big problem for me i couldnt do that either he wanted intimacy more and more and i wanted it less and less we went to councelling but we sitll divorced we werent real good communitcating. I resented him for making me change. And to this day i can not be like that anymore i dont like hugs and and i cant sleep close to someone either. I am not sure why but this change that i made when i was younger is just the way i am now. i I also found out that it wasnt him that i had a problem with its things i was going through and for me now its scary to be that close to someone makes me feel weak and i hate to feel weak. I think in my opinion you need to find a middle that makes the both of you happy you give a little less of it and him give a little more when you both can.nd you do need to talk about it with eachother. In a gentle way that wont make him defensive. I hope this helped you fineline You helped me the other night just offering a little back Thank you for your support
kerry
-- Edited by kerry5 at 10:11, 2005-03-07
Jeannie said
Mar 7, 2005
(((Fine)))
Most A's are emotionaly unavailable and the loneliness can be unbearable. There is nothing you can do to force him to meet your needs. In fact no one else can meet your needs, you have to.
With Alanon you can develope the self awareness and self love to learn to take care of yourself. You can grow to learn that you can always depend on yourself, and that you can be a strong person.
You have taken the first steps, you have seen your own shortcomings, once you identify them, you can begin putting time and effort into the person who is really important, You.
I have found that as I change, so have peoples attitudes about me. I don't have it in me to give to others what I don't feel for myself.
As I have heard others say so often "You are a work in progress." Be patient with yourself, when you feel lonely do nice things for yourself, read, come here, go to a meeting, take a bath or just a pleasant walk to look at the wonder of the world around you.
You are never alone, you always have your HP, and you always have us.
Love Jeannie
kismetstrand said
Mar 7, 2005
Hi ((((((fine)))))). This topic is one I am 'sensitive' to. I had 4+ years of deteriorating emotional/physical closeness with hubby before finding Al-Anon. I know real well the pain of reaching out for a hug and being pushed away/brushed off. Or wanting to just talk about it and getting the same result - the brush off. The more this happened, the more I distanced myself, trying to avoid being hurt yet again, and the more bitter and resentful I became. Began to wonder why I was in a marriage like that. The really bad part, the more I withdrew, the less we communicated. So this is definitely an 'issue' I brought with me into Al-Anon. To describe myself pre-alanon - a nagging, unhappy, angry, withdrawn, isolating, uncommunicative woman. And that was not the 'Me' I knew or wanted to be! I hated what I had become. I didn't have a clue about the disease of alcoholism, how it affects the whole family, how I could help feed the disease by my reactions, how it was making me just as 'sick' if not sicker. Then I found Al-Anon. I listened to what others shared, I learned about the disease, how it involves us too. I began to see my own part in it, to understand how I became that awful woman I described above. How my own negativity just bred more negativity. I learned about Detachment with Love. I learned about focusing on myself to change the only things I could (my things). It was, and is, a slow process. I had to accept that this was how it was, to let go of the expectations I had, and just work on me. I had to fake a smile, feeling happy, at first. There were many times I'd feel the old anger welling up in me, and rather than take it out on him, I went online and vented and got help with a much needed attitude adjustment by others here. Most times, by the time I logged off, I'd be laughing and smiling again. What I began to notice, as my own attitude changed, so did his. Every now and then, out of the blue, he would give me a quick hug. He started joking with me. Our communication is improving. It is by no means 'perfect' now, but it is better. He still struggles with his own issues, but for my part, at least I am not pushing him anymore and focusing on his inabilities (which I know made him feel worse and worsened the whole problem). I learned I had to give him the time he needs to change himself too, to find his own way. I had to find the way to give him the respect, dignity and love he deserves from me despite the ravages of this horrid disease. I had to find the same for myself. It's better now...maybe not where I'd like it to be, but I can at least call our relationship 'loving' once again. I changed me. I changed my attitude. I work on me. He seemed to respond well to that. Will it work that way for everyone else? I don't know. All I know is, I used what I heard from others here, I took from their experience what I thought might help me, and it has. That loneliness and neediness - maybe I used this room to fill those needs. I think I did. (Never really examined it too closely before.) I know one thing though - as angry as I was at him, I was just as angry at myself for what I had become also, and that is the one thing I could change..Me.
Luv, Kis
estrelladehope said
Mar 7, 2005
Kis,
While I was reading your post - every word you wrote I have felt - the exact same feelings, the exact same way - it was like I was reading my own thoughts and it was so comforting. I have been lucky enough that my HP let me find Al-Anon after the 1st 3months of my marriage and it has been a godsent - literally! As for me, I too am looking inside myself and seeing my emotional immaturity and neediness - it seems the A brings them out in me and it is something that I work on everyday. No one is my rock - my HP is my rock and I am a strong enough person to rely on myself now. Before Al-Anon I totally reacted hostile, resentful, and angry - I was so surprised the first time I got so upset that I screamed and yelled and said awful things and I totally lost it - I had never acted that way (as an adult) but that is how alcoholism and my A affected me. Now with Al-anon and my HP to guide me, I am able to control those feelings - able to see that I can react with love and compassion - I can detach myself from any negative person (my A, my mother, any negativity) and I can detach with love - not by withdrawing myself and curling into a ball like I did before Al-Anon.
Yes, there are moments, days where that resentment comes up - makes me want to blame my A or someone else for the way I feel - but that is only bc I have allowed that person to make me feel that way - so I have to look inside myself and detach myself from negative feelings and replace them with only positive. A few days ago I had my hair colored and cut and started fixing myself up. Now I believe I am beautiful just the way I am, but when you take the time to fix yourself up - it does make you feel even better. BUT I do this for ME and NO ONE ELSE. I am so thankful to Al-Anon and all the members who take their time out to help each other. There have truly been times when I have felt alone and felt I had no support but with Al-Anon and the members I have met in my F2F meetings and here online - I remind myself that I am not alone - and hey, sometimes - once you start liking yourself and seeing your positive side - you start liking being alone with yourself - I know I am a pretty cool chick to hang out with even when I am just hanging out by myself. Life only gets better if you are willing to work at making it better for yourself and not relying on ANYONE to make it better for you!!!
holly123 said
Mar 9, 2005
I can so relate to your post, and I know what you are feeling., I also live with this type of person, he is still actively drinking, however he has made some changes. I'm not sure if I will be any help to you because I constantly wonder if this is worth it. But I wanted to reach out to you because I wanted you to know that I am suffering with you. I know all about how if he doesn't love himself he can love me. Well great does that mean I live the rest of my life with someone who can't love me atleast not now and maybe never, or do I move on.
I ask myself these questions everyday, maybe together we can figure out the answer.
Hi ((((Fine)))),
I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing right now. This morning during open chat we were talking about that same subject of feeling alone even when the one you love is in the same room or going to bed at night with a glacier between us and our loved ones.
I no longer live with that and I know you asked for help from someone who does. I do know however that we are worthy of the love and support needed and if our significant other cannot provide it, we must go to a source of support where it can be fulfilled.
I just wanted you to know that I care and hope you continue to keep coming here where you will find the love and support and your self-esteem will grow and then you can decide what you will and will not accept.
Hugs, Maria
Dearest Fineline,
There are two things going on here. Your problems (immaturity & neediness) and his problems (emotionally unavailable.) Both of these problems need to be seperated. You can work on yours and him on his. You are not going to change him, just as he is not going to change you. Can find ways in your life to resolve your neediness and immaturity and learn to stand on your own two feet? To take some responsiblity in your relationship? Getting busy will help. Go out with friends or other Alanon members. Have you expressed your needs to your hubby? Remember he is not a mind reader. You said "Tonight I am wishing he would sit up with me until dawn....." Have you asked him to stay with you and talk? Just as we set boundaries for our "A"s , we also need to let them know what we need. What his perception of your needs are, and what you want maybe two totally different things.
As for the emotionally unavailable portion .... that's my hubby. He never was a big talker or one to express emotions openly. But as he moves through his rocovery program he is beginning to open up in new ways that he never would have before recovery. He maybe emotionally unavailable because his recovery is all he can do at this point. But that is his job to work on, not yours.
In any event all that you can do is to work on you, learn how to be dependent on yourself to find your happiness. Keep working your program the growth and maturity will come.
Love & God Bless
lildee
((((((((((((fineline)))))))))))))
I enjoyed our visit tonight and like i said had planned to reply to this post. We discussed pretty much everything i thought of sharing with you so i just want to say that anytime you want to talk i am here for you.
I will keep you and your husband in my prayers and hope that you can find happiness again. Don't forget that you are not alone although at times you may feel that way.
I look forward to our next visit and know that my ear is always available.
"Take rest; a field that has rested gives a beautiful crop"
JJ
When it comes to alleviating mental, emotional, social, spiritual illness the first step is to the coloring of the illness, the next step is choices, then action. This is easy enough to say, but I am sure it is how it is.
I feel like ive been posting alot on here. But i know exactly where your coming from. Ive lived both sides of it. When i was first with my ex i used to hug him often and sit beside him and turn the tv off and talk. I was 19 then i did for about 3 years and he always used to push me away, and act like it was nails on a chalkboard for him. So i stopped giving hugs and i stopped being so needy and attached. I did what i wanted around the house. We moved into a bigger apartment and we had two tvs and eventually i would be watching tv in the living room and him in his room. But i still married him. We talked and were ok for a couple of months. Then a few years later he decided i was to cold with him and he missed the way i used to be with hugging and talking. But he didnt like it and i made myself change to not need that anymore and then he wanted it back. And to his suprise i couldnt give it. We had two kids but we werent very close after. I went into depression and he used to call me a basket case cause i needed "happy pills" he started hugging me and talking and i couldnt give it anymore at all i got annoyed then near the end of my marriage last two years imtimacy became a real big problem for me i couldnt do that either he wanted intimacy more and more and i wanted it less and less we went to councelling but we sitll divorced we werent real good communitcating. I resented him for making me change. And to this day i can not be like that anymore i dont like hugs and and i cant sleep close to someone either. I am not sure why but this change that i made when i was younger is just the way i am now. i I also found out that it wasnt him that i had a problem with its things i was going through and for me now its scary to be that close to someone makes me feel weak and i hate to feel weak. I think in my opinion you need to find a middle that makes the both of you happy you give a little less of it and him give a little more when you both can.nd you do need to talk about it with eachother. In a gentle way that wont make him defensive. I hope this helped you fineline You helped me the other night just offering a little back Thank you for your support
kerry
-- Edited by kerry5 at 10:11, 2005-03-07
(((Fine)))
Most A's are emotionaly unavailable and the loneliness can be unbearable. There is nothing you can do to force him to meet your needs. In fact no one else can meet your needs, you have to.
With Alanon you can develope the self awareness and self love to learn to take care of yourself. You can grow to learn that you can always depend on yourself, and that you can be a strong person.
You have taken the first steps, you have seen your own shortcomings, once you identify them, you can begin putting time and effort into the person who is really important, You.
I have found that as I change, so have peoples attitudes about me. I don't have it in me to give to others what I don't feel for myself.
As I have heard others say so often "You are a work in progress." Be patient with yourself, when you feel lonely do nice things for yourself, read, come here, go to a meeting, take a bath or just a pleasant walk to look at the wonder of the world around you.
You are never alone, you always have your HP, and you always have us.
Love Jeannie
Hi ((((((fine)))))). This topic is one I am 'sensitive' to. I had 4+ years of deteriorating emotional/physical closeness with hubby before finding Al-Anon. I know real well the pain of reaching out for a hug and being pushed away/brushed off. Or wanting to just talk about it and getting the same result - the brush off. The more this happened, the more I distanced myself, trying to avoid being hurt yet again, and the more bitter and resentful I became. Began to wonder why I was in a marriage like that. The really bad part, the more I withdrew, the less we communicated. So this is definitely an 'issue' I brought with me into Al-Anon. To describe myself pre-alanon - a nagging, unhappy, angry, withdrawn, isolating, uncommunicative woman. And that was not the 'Me' I knew or wanted to be! I hated what I had become. I didn't have a clue about the disease of alcoholism, how it affects the whole family, how I could help feed the disease by my reactions, how it was making me just as 'sick' if not sicker. Then I found Al-Anon. I listened to what others shared, I learned about the disease, how it involves us too. I began to see my own part in it, to understand how I became that awful woman I described above. How my own negativity just bred more negativity. I learned about Detachment with Love. I learned about focusing on myself to change the only things I could (my things). It was, and is, a slow process. I had to accept that this was how it was, to let go of the expectations I had, and just work on me. I had to fake a smile, feeling happy, at first. There were many times I'd feel the old anger welling up in me, and rather than take it out on him, I went online and vented and got help with a much needed attitude adjustment by others here. Most times, by the time I logged off, I'd be laughing and smiling again. What I began to notice, as my own attitude changed, so did his. Every now and then, out of the blue, he would give me a quick hug. He started joking with me. Our communication is improving. It is by no means 'perfect' now, but it is better. He still struggles with his own issues, but for my part, at least I am not pushing him anymore and focusing on his inabilities (which I know made him feel worse and worsened the whole problem). I learned I had to give him the time he needs to change himself too, to find his own way. I had to find the way to give him the respect, dignity and love he deserves from me despite the ravages of this horrid disease. I had to find the same for myself. It's better now...maybe not where I'd like it to be, but I can at least call our relationship 'loving' once again. I changed me. I changed my attitude. I work on me. He seemed to respond well to that. Will it work that way for everyone else? I don't know. All I know is, I used what I heard from others here, I took from their experience what I thought might help me, and it has. That loneliness and neediness - maybe I used this room to fill those needs. I think I did. (Never really examined it too closely before.) I know one thing though - as angry as I was at him, I was just as angry at myself for what I had become also, and that is the one thing I could change..Me.
Luv, Kis
Kis,
While I was reading your post - every word you wrote I have felt - the exact same feelings, the exact same way - it was like I was reading my own thoughts and it was so comforting. I have been lucky enough that my HP let me find Al-Anon after the 1st 3months of my marriage and it has been a godsent - literally! As for me, I too am looking inside myself and seeing my emotional immaturity and neediness - it seems the A brings them out in me and it is something that I work on everyday. No one is my rock - my HP is my rock and I am a strong enough person to rely on myself now. Before Al-Anon I totally reacted hostile, resentful, and angry - I was so surprised the first time I got so upset that I screamed and yelled and said awful things and I totally lost it - I had never acted that way (as an adult) but that is how alcoholism and my A affected me. Now with Al-anon and my HP to guide me, I am able to control those feelings - able to see that I can react with love and compassion - I can detach myself from any negative person (my A, my mother, any negativity) and I can detach with love - not by withdrawing myself and curling into a ball like I did before Al-Anon.
Yes, there are moments, days where that resentment comes up - makes me want to blame my A or someone else for the way I feel - but that is only bc I have allowed that person to make me feel that way - so I have to look inside myself and detach myself from negative feelings and replace them with only positive. A few days ago I had my hair colored and cut and started fixing myself up. Now I believe I am beautiful just the way I am, but when you take the time to fix yourself up - it does make you feel even better. BUT I do this for ME and NO ONE ELSE. I am so thankful to Al-Anon and all the members who take their time out to help each other. There have truly been times when I have felt alone and felt I had no support but with Al-Anon and the members I have met in my F2F meetings and here online - I remind myself that I am not alone - and hey, sometimes - once you start liking yourself and seeing your positive side - you start liking being alone with yourself - I know I am a pretty cool chick to hang out with even when I am just hanging out by myself. Life only gets better if you are willing to work at making it better for yourself and not relying on ANYONE to make it better for you!!!
I can so relate to your post, and I know what you are feeling.
, I also live with this type of person, he is still actively drinking, however he has made some changes. I'm not sure if I will be any help to you because I constantly wonder if this is worth it. But I wanted to reach out to you because I wanted you to know that I am suffering with you. I know all about how if he doesn't love himself he can love me. Well great does that mean I live the rest of my life with someone who can't love me atleast not now and maybe never, or do I move on.
I ask myself these questions everyday, maybe together we can figure out the answer.
Love Ya,
Holly