I don't feel much still. Just serene and I go on, move forward.
A fixed what was needed on my rental. I saw no heart, not even a black one at first. He was ok but in two days I saw how the disease has progressed.
I have a pot bellied pig named Luster who loves me. He is a guard pig when it comes to me. He hates my a. I never understood. well first sign of the progression was A kicked at my Luster. I then reminded him how to back the pig off. I was staying close.
A went next door to work on the rental. I came over there to hang curtains. My turkey Mr. FeeFee follows me everywhere. He hates a too. hmmm now the animals used to love him. Well Mr. feefee started bopping me with his wings and bit at what I had in my hand and got my arthritic finger.. big oweee, well A kicks my turkey hard in the butt. i was so pissed. I know how to get Mr. feefee to stop with out hurting him, ya have to think like a turkey and back him off.
Number one he could have hurt him bad, number two a person has to be smarter than the animal. Mr. feefee just got mad and came back. I told A to lay off and leave him alone unless he wanted a vet bill.
Well I went inside and a is not finished but starts throwing his tools into his truck. would not eat the lunch i brought, oh wellllll. I went back home. he came and got the rest of his cloths and his tools. He was being nice to me, calling me hon and telling me to call if I needed him. ???
I don't even know why he left so fast and why he left anyway???? I did know he was on pills and alcohol. He has never touched the animals before. so the disease now has taken that part of his brain too. NO heart left to take.
I came in after he left. I noticed he had been in the house. had no reason to. the toilet seat was up if you want to know how I knew lol.
anyway I had my pills in my purse. but.... my cash I had saved for my mortgage is gone. wonderful no wonder he left so fast.
so now it has reached the point I cannot even have him over to work.
I don't feel sad about the loss. It hurt when I saw nothing. I mean nothing. there is no longer anything to lose. I felt so very sad that he has hit this new low. I am sure he is doing up heroin.
not my problem. that is that. I have faith in hp that I will find a way to pay for my mortgage modification. I finally, after all these years got the loan in my name and at a payment I can afford.
No I don't grieve him anymore. I really don't. I can have his pictures up and it is like the ones i have of my mom and first husband up. they are dead. my husband number two is dead too.
I loved that man a lot. But this last few months moving forward, has helped me so much. Even to say moving forward sounds good to me.
Of course it would have been nice to have my Mr. Bumble, bumbling around with me. I would have loved growing old with him puttering around.
But I am ok with what comes ahead. And as soon as I am free to, I will be open to a mate to share with.
Anyway alanon is always showing me the way. It has taught me to be a better person. It has taught me to be serene in chao's. to stay in the moment.
This does not mean I don't cry from deep inside sometimes or have a panic attack. But they don't last for months, days or hours or even thirty min. anymore. The world is a hard place and it is ok to cry sometimes and feel weak.
But the important thing for me is to hear my head say, one day at a time, everything will be ok. love,debilyn
Annie said
Mar 4, 2005
Debilyn, thank you for the update. I am sorry to hear that your A was mean to your pig and your turkey. When my A was mean to our dog, it was so hurtful--even though it was talking gruff to her or pushing her away through no fault of hers. And, how terrible that he took your mortgage money...unbelieveable...you are an inspiration to me with your great attitude. Thank you so much for sharing. Love and blessings, Annie
TLC2 said
Mar 4, 2005
You dear, sweet lady! I admire you so very much in your wonderful attitude no matter what happens to you! My prayers are with you, and especially ,that when you are ready, a man as wonderful as you are will come along and make your life absolutely wonderful. (just make sure Luster, Ester-sue & Mr. Fee Fee approve!)In the meantime, I pray you will enjoy your home and your animals and keep coming here. You are such an inspiration to us all!! Much love, TLC
-- Edited by TLC2 at 22:49, 2005-03-04
-- Edited by TLC2 at 22:51, 2005-03-04
richard said
Mar 5, 2005
Pain, once way back an eon ago, at an A.A. table… I said my (lifelong pain that predated my addiction to drugs like alcohol, etc.), pain was the only way I knew I was alive. Debilyn, who causes your pain? Who will end your pain? You do feel pain, right?
Hugs & Luv,
-- Edited by richard at 00:45, 2005-03-05
debilyn said
Mar 5, 2005
I wrote a response to you but it is not here. Probably better it isn't. I basically said to you, sometimes an apple is just an apple. No I am not in denial. I do not want to live with a. I had him here to fix my rental period.
I am married to him. sometimes I just want to see where I am with him. I want to see if I can still be around him. but I tell ya, after so much time in peace, it was very clear I did not like him at all richard. He was icky.
Why would ya ask if I feel pain? It is a part of life, I feel I learn the most when I am in pain.
circumstance and physical injury cause pain for me I guess.
Lets see richard, I lost four babies to miscarriage, my first husband died when I was 27, many friends died from drugs and the viet nam war, some died in my arms from aids, a year ago at this time I was with my bil a he was dieing becuz his family was so selfish they were not here for him. married my a only to have him lose his sobriety after he had abrain tumor removed, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, I had a lump about the same time. mother died in my arms, my tumor was benign. mother died. mother died.
husband dieing slowly, bits and pieces until all that is left is this worthless, cruel, cussing, evil demon filled human being.
what me have pain...???
If I had not been guided to this place, I would not be here living. I was ready to stop it. stop the pain.
but I decided it was more work to stay for my kids, and I would do anything for my kids, even live.
hp is good to me. I am thankful for my life, I have learned so much. I am richer for it.
richard you are a trip. sometimes what I read from you makes me upset. but then you make me think. but really, no on the denial thing. I know where rick is and it certainly is not walking on earth. My rick is in my heart, My rick is a memory. My husband is was part of me. And there is a big hole I am doing my best to help heal by moving ahead and making my home here at Eden a safe healing place... love to you richard. debilyn
richard said
Mar 5, 2005
“I don't feel much still”… is why I asked you if you feel pain. My soon to turn 18 year of age sister was killed by an shell-shocked Vietnam War drug abuser and then buried on my 21st birthday, my children were tortured for there entire childhood and then some, the only way left for me to stop it would have been to kill their mother… I have only four feet left of 28 or 30 feet of intestines… / wanna do a caparison list. Go ahead, write what was unspoken… I wisely choose my feelings; I act and not ‘so much’ react now… very nice place to be. Denial is so precious, because it allows us to be imperfect… the last person who I heard was perfect… got crucified… don’t wanna be perfect… ain’t human. My life experience… I now know so very much that I know there is so much more that I do not know than I do know. I wonder to when my God and me will venture into my yet areas of denial, when will I be ready for my next teacher. I do not fear the word “denial” it is only whence I learn.
You wrote, “and making my home here at Eden a safe healing place”… what about the animal abuse and thievery and I will bet two quarters that in the act of thievery there was a message also.
Hugs & Luv,
-- Edited by richard at 01:48, 2005-03-05
debalina36 said
Mar 5, 2005
I know your pain and heartache from your A abusing your animals. Mine did in the past and I had to take my 2 favorite cats to the shelter in order to protect them, plus start the healing for me since I was protecting them too much.
You are a strong lady and know you will survive. I am sorry for all the pain and loss you had in your life. God will not give us more than we can handle. Much love from one Deb to another!
Debalina
wille said
Mar 5, 2005
Debilyn,
I love you say an apple is still an apple.
When my most recent a started acting
out, thousands of dollars later I knew I
had to let him go. He still calls me names
I guess he learns in his familial conditioning.
I hope for my recovery first and hope
for his in / on his own terms.
Great job Debilyn - great job!
Love in recovery,
\/\/ille
gardengal said
Mar 5, 2005
(((((((deb)))) I feel your pain, and concur with most of the responses to your post. However,I am curious about one thing,,,,Richard do you attend alanon meetings at all? ................gardengal
david62 said
Mar 5, 2005
Debilyn,
I do love the slogan progress not perfection. Thank you for your posting. I admire your ability to maintain a positive outlook on things.
I was definatetly confused however by what Richard said in his second response about denial being so precious. Denial caused me to live in a world of fantasy for nearly a decade. A world where I ignored obvious flaws in my marriage and allowed me to continue to stay with someone who had no respect or real love for me. Anyway I just dont quite understand how you are learning from denial, except by the realization that you are living in it and that it is a lie to yourself (talking about me here).
Anyway thank you both for your postings, and for sharing your thoughts with us.
David
cdb said
Mar 5, 2005
Hello debilyn,
(((((((((((())))))))))))) and all my heart felt sympathy for your loss of money and momentary security of your pets. There is a time when we need to report our a's illegal actions too and be strong about it. When my husband and I called the police on our daughter that one night when she was out of control/disorderly and very drunk I felt empowered and like I had finally helped myself and my recovery. It was hard to do but the right thing to do. Husband and I have told our daughter that we will do it again too if she is drunk/underage or drunk @ 21 and is a danger to herself or others like she was that night.
You have always been an inspiration to me and a great support! Posting here is a great way to process what happened and to get replies that we can either take what we want and leave the rest. I hope to be posting more too since I need a break from the chatoom that I am having trouble detatching from things and it is causing my serenity to suffer. NO one is doing it to me,,,but HP is guiding me to take a break. So, I hope you keep on posting and replying to my posts that I make too!
Know you did the best that you could at the time and that is all we can do. I am so glad you have a handle on your anxiety/ panic attacks too! I can sure relate to that since lately I am back on my xanax.
I will be thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts and prayers. Your friend,cdb
megan said
Mar 5, 2005
Hi deblyn,
I am sorry that your A was mean to your animals. I had to aopt out my cat when we moved, no real good reason except the lease said o and my A was adamant and it was 1 mile from my job so I could walk.
I think it is one thing when the A is mean to us and a worse thing when they are mean to the animals because the animals are helpless - but not your good protector pig...
Stealing the money, I gues it just shows that the drugs and alcohol are still #1 for him.
You have great strength, thank you for sharing
debilyn said
Mar 5, 2005
I told you, he has NEVER been like this before. that was what I mean about progression of the disease.
He won't be around my animals again believe me
Richard I misunderstood you and I apologise. I thought you meant I acted like I did not feel pain and had nothing happened to me that would cause it. That is why I wrote all that bs.
Yes richard I do know you have been thru too much too!! Bless your heart for putting up with me!! I like what Kerry said, that we are all sick in our own way. I know I am. I feel that wound most the time, but am taking steps to heal and get passed it.
I really feel bad for misunderstanding you richard. I love your feedback. I wanna say sometime a B is just a
B and I am sorry for behaving like one!!
Wish I could say oh richard just come over and I will serve ya the best ice cream and tea I can find!!!
Love you my alanon brother, debilyn
cdb said
Mar 5, 2005
Gosh! That is what I love about the people here and the 12 step program. WE can admit our wrongdoings (when we notice them or when HP decides it is time to reveal them to us) and make amends. The reason I added the parentheses is because I have times when my depression or medications cause me to say, do or act in ways I would not normally respond and I read it in an alanon book. You know how much Richard and you mean to me too! God Bless,,,,cdb
richard said
Mar 5, 2005
Hi Debilyn, ice crème and tea… very tempting… I am looking to do some traveling this summer now that I can afford it… who knows, you know. An animal sanctuary and you… right near heaven, eh? You are not a female dog (b’) in anyway, well I have had some female dogs as companions that were better beings than some humans that I have known. It seems Love can flow right through the virtual reality of the Internet… cool!
Hugs & Luv,
Jeannie said
Mar 6, 2005
(((Debilyn)))
I always love reading your posts. I'm sorry about the things you have had to go through.
You are right, one day at a time, and things will be okay. Give those animals a hug for me.
Love Jeannie
dogscribe said
Mar 7, 2005
This was a beautiful post Debilyn and the replies were all heartfelt. Made me feel welcome here.
I also have a great love of all animals - I have 2 labrador retrievers.
estrelladehope said
Mar 7, 2005
That was a wonderful posting! Thank you so much! You truly show how Al-Anon can help someone see the light from the darkness of dealing with an A. With the whole denial thing - not sure where that came from - but what I can tell is that some people (mainly my friends and family) believe that because I can detach from the alcoholism that I am in denial. It just shows how many people do not understand what it is like to live with an A - they do not understand that detachment is something healthy. My whole family are a bunch of codependents bc they do not believe in detachment - they believe in being attached at the hip to someone else and that that person should ALWAYS be there for them. I have come to realize how I am the way I am - you grow up in an environment like that not knowing it is unhealthy and that is what you become - you think relying on someone for everything is what is the norm - but it isn't! No wonder my HP put an A in my life - he wanted me to realize this for myself, I guess. anyway, I want to thank you again for the post. You are very courageous and strong to be able to realize what is best for you and your animals. I just pray to my HP that the disease does not progress too far in my A - for I know my boundaries and I can only go so far with the disease - just like you! Good luck and you will be in my prayers.
-- Edited by TLC2 at 22:49, 2005-03-04
-- Edited by TLC2 at 22:51, 2005-03-04
Pain, once way back an eon ago, at an A.A. table… I said my (lifelong pain that predated my addiction to drugs like alcohol, etc.), pain was the only way I knew I was alive. Debilyn, who causes your pain? Who will end your pain? You do feel pain, right?
Hugs & Luv,
-- Edited by richard at 00:45, 2005-03-05
“I don't feel much still”… is why I asked you if you feel pain. My soon to turn 18 year of age sister was killed by an shell-shocked Vietnam War drug abuser and then buried on my 21st birthday, my children were tortured for there entire childhood and then some, the only way left for me to stop it would have been to kill their mother… I have only four feet left of 28 or 30 feet of intestines… / wanna do a caparison list. Go ahead, write what was unspoken… I wisely choose my feelings; I act and not ‘so much’ react now… very nice place to be. Denial is so precious, because it allows us to be imperfect… the last person who I heard was perfect… got crucified… don’t wanna be perfect… ain’t human. My life experience… I now know so very much that I know there is so much more that I do not know than I do know. I wonder to when my God and me will venture into my yet areas of denial, when will I be ready for my next teacher. I do not fear the word “denial” it is only whence I learn.
You wrote, “and making my home here at Eden a safe healing place”… what about the animal abuse and thievery and I will bet two quarters that in the act of thievery there was a message also.
Hugs & Luv,
-- Edited by richard at 01:48, 2005-03-05
I know your pain and heartache from your A abusing your animals. Mine did in the past and I had to take my 2 favorite cats to the shelter in order to protect them, plus start the healing for me since I was protecting them too much.
You are a strong lady and know you will survive. I am sorry for all the pain and loss you had in your life. God will not give us more than we can handle. Much love from one Deb to another!
Debalina
Debilyn,
I do love the slogan progress not perfection. Thank you for your posting. I admire your ability to maintain a positive outlook on things.
I was definatetly confused however by what Richard said in his second response about denial being so precious. Denial caused me to live in a world of fantasy for nearly a decade. A world where I ignored obvious flaws in my marriage and allowed me to continue to stay with someone who had no respect or real love for me. Anyway I just dont quite understand how you are learning from denial, except by the realization that you are living in it and that it is a lie to yourself (talking about me here).
Anyway thank you both for your postings, and for sharing your thoughts with us.
David
Hello debilyn,
(((((((((((())))))))))))) and all my heart felt sympathy for your loss of money and momentary security of your pets. There is a time when we need to report our a's illegal actions too and be strong about it. When my husband and I called the police on our daughter that one night when she was out of control/disorderly and very drunk I felt empowered and like I had finally helped myself and my recovery. It was hard to do but the right thing to do. Husband and I have told our daughter that we will do it again too if she is drunk/underage or drunk @ 21 and is a danger to herself or others like she was that night.
You have always been an inspiration to me and a great support! Posting here is a great way to process what happened and to get replies that we can either take what we want and leave the rest. I hope to be posting more too since I need a break from the chatoom that I am having trouble detatching from things and it is causing my serenity to suffer. NO one is doing it to me,,,but HP is guiding me to take a break. So, I hope you keep on posting and replying to my posts that I make too!
Know you did the best that you could at the time and that is all we can do. I am so glad you have a handle on your anxiety/ panic attacks too! I can sure relate to that since lately I am back on my xanax.
I will be thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts and prayers. Your friend,cdb
Hi deblyn,
I am sorry that your A was mean to your animals. I had to aopt out my cat when we moved, no real good reason except the lease said o and my A was adamant and it was 1 mile from my job so I could walk.
I think it is one thing when the A is mean to us and a worse thing when they are mean to the animals because the animals are helpless - but not your good protector pig...
Stealing the money, I gues it just shows that the drugs and alcohol are still #1 for him.
You have great strength, thank you for sharing
Hi Debilyn, ice crème and tea… very tempting… I am looking to do some traveling this summer now that I can afford it… who knows, you know. An animal sanctuary and you… right near heaven, eh? You are not a female dog (b’) in anyway, well I have had some female dogs as companions that were better beings than some humans that I have known. It seems Love can flow right through the virtual reality of the Internet… cool!
Hugs & Luv,
(((Debilyn)))
I always love reading your posts. I'm sorry about the things you have had to go through.
You are right, one day at a time, and things will be okay. Give those animals a hug for me.
Love Jeannie
This was a beautiful post Debilyn and the replies were all heartfelt. Made me feel welcome here.
I also have a great love of all animals - I have 2 labrador retrievers.
That was a wonderful posting! Thank you so much! You truly show how Al-Anon can help someone see the light from the darkness of dealing with an A. With the whole denial thing - not sure where that came from - but what I can tell is that some people (mainly my friends and family) believe that because I can detach from the alcoholism that I am in denial. It just shows how many people do not understand what it is like to live with an A - they do not understand that detachment is something healthy. My whole family are a bunch of codependents bc they do not believe in detachment - they believe in being attached at the hip to someone else and that that person should ALWAYS be there for them. I have come to realize how I am the way I am - you grow up in an environment like that not knowing it is unhealthy and that is what you become - you think relying on someone for everything is what is the norm - but it isn't! No wonder my HP put an A in my life - he wanted me to realize this for myself, I guess. anyway, I want to thank you again for the post. You are very courageous and strong to be able to realize what is best for you and your animals. I just pray to my HP that the disease does not progress too far in my A - for I know my boundaries and I can only go so far with the disease - just like you! Good luck and you will be in my prayers.