I find that my expectations get me in so much trouble. When the a goes through a good spell, doesn't drink much if at all, or whatever, I expect for things to continue like that. If he is on a binge, my expectations are similar, as in things will never change, etc etc. And I get disappointed when things do not go as I expect them to.
Can anyone share their experience strength and hope on how to deal with expectations?
Maria123 said
Mar 3, 2005
I have often tried to change other people to suit my own desires. If others did not meet my needs, I thought the problem was with them :(. I was looking for my A to meet all my expectations ~~ some of which I expected him to read from my mind (insanity :). The only one who can meet my expectations is ME. I can request things from others. I can make my own needs known, but not everyone will be able to meet them. In Al-Anon, I've learned to examine my own attitudes. Are my expectations realistic? Do I respect other's needs if they are different from mine? Do I appreciate the gifts I already receive?
I hope this helps you. I also talk with a friend in Al-Anon. Or go to a meeting to get my needs met. Talk with a sponsor. Read in Courage to Change an excerpt on expectations. Those help too.
:)
richard said
Mar 4, 2005
Main Entry:ex£pect
Pronunciation:ik-*spekt
Function:verb
Etymology:Latin exspectare to look forward to, from ex- + spectare to look at, frequentative of specere to look — more at SPY
Date:1560
intransitive verb
1 archaic : WAIT, STAY
2 : to look forward
3 : to be pregnant : await the birth of one's child — used in progressive tenses *she's expecting next month*
transitive verb
1 archaic : AWAIT
2 : to anticipate or look forward to the coming or occurrence of *we expect them any minute now* *expected a telephone call*
3 : SUPPOSE, THINK
4 a : to consider probable or certain *expect to be forgiven* *expect that things will improve* b : to consider reasonable, due, or necessary *expected hard work from the students* c : to consider bound in duty or obligated *they expect you to pay your bills*
–ex£pect£able \-*spek-t*-b*l\ adjective
–ex£pect£ably \-bl*\ adverb
–ex£pect£ed£ly adverb
–ex£pect£ed£ness noun
synonyms EXPECT, HOPE, LOOK mean to await some occurrence or outcome. EXPECT implies a high degree of certainty and usually involves the idea of preparing or envisioning *expects to be finished by Tuesday*. HOPE implies little certainty but suggests confidence or assurance in the possibility that what one desires or longs for will happen *hopes to find a job soon*. LOOK, with to, implies assurance that expectations will be fulfilled *looks to a tidy profit from the sale*; with for it implies less assurance and suggests an attitude of expectancy and watchfulness *look for rain when the wind shifts to the northeast*.
I like #2. I look forward to people doing certain social things like respect me, but then again I do not expect them to do so. This kind like an oxymoron use of the word 'expect'.
Hugs & Luv,
cdb said
Mar 4, 2005
Hello Richard,
Could you explain your reply to me in English? LOLOL
Would appreciate a summary at least. cdb
richard said
Mar 4, 2005
Hi cdb, my reply is in English, as English as Webster Dictionary is. Sometimes, I like to see the traditional meaning for words we / I use.
Hugs & Luv,
KathyS said
Mar 4, 2005
I have learned that an expectation is nothing more than a resentment in the making. What that means is if I expect someone to behave a certain way and they don't, then I become resentful. Resentments hurt us just as much as they hurt the A's. We need to do whatever necessary to be rid of them. The only one I can have expectations of is myself because I am the only one I can control. I can have *hope* of certain things, but I cannot expect. I can hope my A doesn't use today, but I can't expect him not to. I had to learn to accept life on lifes terms, not on mine. The only way I found to do that was to put my trust in my Higher Power.
megan said
Mar 4, 2005
My expectations:
My A will be incapable of contibuting anything to my life. He doesn't work, clean, help out -if he does he crows about it.
The other night (he is sober for a bit now as he has a vicious cold/flu and can't make it to the liquor store) he said a few things to me about his contributions to our life together and I blurted out - what are you talking about?????I walked away and took a long long shower.
yesterday he called me to say he would pick me up from work. Okay fine. he called at 5 but I was on an important call and told him 5:30. he called back at 5:30 and said can you walk. I said of course I can. I figured he was too looped to pick me up - my expectation he will be drunk.
I call the local chinese place and pick up some chinese dinner for me on the way home.
When I get home I find out he is too sick and dizzy from medicatation to drive. I told him, oh I figured you were drunk. He said I though you would figure that and I did.
I try to expect nothing from my A. I have begun to expect ALOT from myself. I am venturing beyond my comfort zone where I was down in the hole of despair. I expect I will get up and shower every day. Put in a good days work. be sociable with my co-workers instead of keeping to myself. see my family and friends instead of hiding away. exercise every day, be nice to myself. Buy nice clothes and shoes. Treat myself to a movie. Go to the library and read - oh I love to read and had put that out the window for years.
My expectations are now of myself...
Christy said
Mar 4, 2005
What I've learned here...
Don't expect at all. Don't expect an A to anything but what he does. Oh sure, we all have hope for their recovery and health, but expectations? Not me.
Jill said
Mar 4, 2005
My best love was my dog. I was at my best. I didn't expect him to be more than a dog. His job was to be a dog. Mine was to be a human. I was grateful for him (still am).
I try to remember that when I am resentful of my husband's behavior. I need to accept him as he is, let him be (as if my interference could have any effect anyway) and go through life with or without him. I cannot afford resentment no matter what.
Jill
Ava said
Mar 5, 2005
Hi Cah
Your post really got me thinking about my own expectations of my A and how holding on to those expectations are continuing to hurt and pain me. I guess I keep thinking about my A - But you have to be a good parent/husband/friend/partner i expect that of you, you owe it to me, to your son, to yourself! But of course the reality is so different. I have to learn to let go of my expectations face my new reality and expect nothing of my A in his present state.
It seems to me its the disapointment that comes from the expectation that hurts, I guess remove the expectation and the disapointment will not be created.
I guess facing our realities and accepting them 'Accept the things we cannot change' helps us to move forward with out the disapointment/hurt/bitterness of unmet expectations.
Did I just repeat myself? Sorry
Still mulling over this expectations expectations have always probably expected too much from myself and others - must chill out and expect nowt and be thankful for what I do receive - its a bonus
Thanks cah for getting my brain going
Jeannie said
Mar 7, 2005
Hi Cah,
I have found that having any expectations of my A was a guarantee to be let down and hurt.
I used to resent the fact, that while I was always there for him, he was never there for me.
I had gotten into trouble with my last pregancy. Our son had to be delivered by an emergency C-section, two months early. We did not even know if he was still alive.
While I was on the table, my husband was out of the hospital drinking. The Dr could not find him to have him sign a paper to tye my tubes after they saw it would be dangerouse to have any more children. I had to go back in at a later date to have this done. I remember being so angry and hurt. He saw nothing wrong with what he had done, said so you go in another time, big deal. I then said since he was the reason they didn't do it, could he go have a Vasectomy. He and his parents flipped out. It was my problem, not his.
In hindsight, I should have made sure the papers where in order. I should not have depended on him to care for my health.
The only person you should have any expectations from is yourself. If anyone else steps up, it will be a nice surprise.
I find that my expectations get me in so much trouble. When the a goes through a good spell, doesn't drink much if at all, or whatever, I expect for things to continue like that. If he is on a binge, my expectations are similar, as in things will never change, etc etc. And I get disappointed when things do not go as I expect them to.
Can anyone share their experience strength and hope on how to deal with expectations?
I have often tried to change other people to suit my own desires. If others did not meet my needs, I thought the problem was with them :(. I was looking for my A to meet all my expectations ~~ some of which I expected him to read from my mind (insanity :). The only one who can meet my expectations is ME. I can request things from others. I can make my own needs known, but not everyone will be able to meet them. In Al-Anon, I've learned to examine my own attitudes. Are my expectations realistic? Do I respect other's needs if they are different from mine? Do I appreciate the gifts I already receive?
I hope this helps you. I also talk with a friend in Al-Anon. Or go to a meeting to get my needs met. Talk with a sponsor. Read in Courage to Change an excerpt on expectations. Those help too.
:)
Main Entry:ex£pect Pronunciation:ik-*spekt Function:verb Etymology:Latin exspectare to look forward to, from ex- + spectare to look at, frequentative of specere to look — more at SPY Date:1560 intransitive verb 1 archaic : WAIT, STAY 2 : to look forward 3 : to be pregnant : await the birth of one's child — used in progressive tenses *she's expecting next month* transitive verb 1 archaic : AWAIT 2 : to anticipate or look forward to the coming or occurrence of *we expect them any minute now* *expected a telephone call* 3 : SUPPOSE, THINK 4 a : to consider probable or certain *expect to be forgiven* *expect that things will improve* b : to consider reasonable, due, or necessary *expected hard work from the students* c : to consider bound in duty or obligated *they expect you to pay your bills* –ex£pect£able \-*spek-t*-b*l\ adjective –ex£pect£ably \-bl*\ adverb –ex£pect£ed£ly adverb –ex£pect£ed£ness noun synonyms EXPECT, HOPE, LOOK mean to await some occurrence or outcome. EXPECT implies a high degree of certainty and usually involves the idea of preparing or envisioning *expects to be finished by Tuesday*. HOPE implies little certainty but suggests confidence or assurance in the possibility that what one desires or longs for will happen *hopes to find a job soon*. LOOK, with to, implies assurance that expectations will be fulfilled *looks to a tidy profit from the sale*; with for it implies less assurance and suggests an attitude of expectancy and watchfulness *look for rain when the wind shifts to the northeast*.
I like #2. I look forward to people doing certain social things like respect me, but then again I do not expect them to do so. This kind like an oxymoron use of the word 'expect'.
Hugs & Luv,
Hello Richard,
Could you explain your reply to me in English? LOLOL
Would appreciate a summary at least. cdb
Hi cdb, my reply is in English, as English as Webster Dictionary is. Sometimes, I like to see the traditional meaning for words we / I use.
Hugs & Luv,
I have learned that an expectation is nothing more than a resentment in the making. What that means is if I expect someone to behave a certain way and they don't, then I become resentful. Resentments hurt us just as much as they hurt the A's. We need to do whatever necessary to be rid of them. The only one I can have expectations of is myself because I am the only one I can control. I can have *hope* of certain things, but I cannot expect. I can hope my A doesn't use today, but I can't expect him not to. I had to learn to accept life on lifes terms, not on mine. The only way I found to do that was to put my trust in my Higher Power.
My expectations:
My A will be incapable of contibuting anything to my life. He doesn't work, clean, help out -if he does he crows about it.
The other night (he is sober for a bit now as he has a vicious cold/flu and can't make it to the liquor store) he said a few things to me about his contributions to our life together and I blurted out - what are you talking about?????I walked away and took a long long shower.
yesterday he called me to say he would pick me up from work. Okay fine. he called at 5 but I was on an important call and told him 5:30. he called back at 5:30 and said can you walk. I said of course I can. I figured he was too looped to pick me up - my expectation he will be drunk.
I call the local chinese place and pick up some chinese dinner for me on the way home.
When I get home I find out he is too sick and dizzy from medicatation to drive. I told him, oh I figured you were drunk. He said I though you would figure that and I did.
I try to expect nothing from my A. I have begun to expect ALOT from myself. I am venturing beyond my comfort zone where I was down in the hole of despair. I expect I will get up and shower every day. Put in a good days work. be sociable with my co-workers instead of keeping to myself. see my family and friends instead of hiding away. exercise every day, be nice to myself. Buy nice clothes and shoes. Treat myself to a movie. Go to the library and read - oh I love to read and had put that out the window for years.
My expectations are now of myself...
What I've learned here...
Don't expect at all. Don't expect an A to anything but what he does. Oh sure, we all have hope for their recovery and health, but expectations? Not me.
My best love was my dog. I was at my best. I didn't expect him to be more than a dog. His job was to be a dog. Mine was to be a human. I was grateful for him (still am).
I try to remember that when I am resentful of my husband's behavior. I need to accept him as he is, let him be (as if my interference could have any effect anyway) and go through life with or without him. I cannot afford resentment no matter what.
Jill
Hi Cah
Your post really got me thinking about my own expectations of my A and how holding on to those expectations are continuing to hurt and pain me. I guess I keep thinking about my A - But you have to be a good parent/husband/friend/partner i expect that of you, you owe it to me, to your son, to yourself! But of course the reality is so different. I have to learn to let go of my expectations face my new reality and expect nothing of my A in his present state.
It seems to me its the disapointment that comes from the expectation that hurts, I guess remove the expectation and the disapointment will not be created.
I guess facing our realities and accepting them 'Accept the things we cannot change' helps us to move forward with out the disapointment/hurt/bitterness of unmet expectations.
Did I just repeat myself? Sorry
Still mulling over this expectations expectations have always probably expected too much from myself and others - must chill out and expect nowt and be thankful for what I do receive - its a bonus
Thanks cah for getting my brain going
Hi Cah,
I have found that having any expectations of my A was a guarantee to be let down and hurt.
I used to resent the fact, that while I was always there for him, he was never there for me.
I had gotten into trouble with my last pregancy. Our son had to be delivered by an emergency C-section, two months early. We did not even know if he was still alive.
While I was on the table, my husband was out of the hospital drinking. The Dr could not find him to have him sign a paper to tye my tubes after they saw it would be dangerouse to have any more children. I had to go back in at a later date to have this done. I remember being so angry and hurt. He saw nothing wrong with what he had done, said so you go in another time, big deal. I then said since he was the reason they didn't do it, could he go have a Vasectomy. He and his parents flipped out. It was my problem, not his.
In hindsight, I should have made sure the papers where in order. I should not have depended on him to care for my health.
The only person you should have any expectations from is yourself. If anyone else steps up, it will be a nice surprise.
Love Jeannie