Hello, I am new here. I am seeking Alanon support because my husband of 2 years has returned to drinking after 17 years being sober. OUCH!!!
Here is my story.
My husband and I met in AA in 2002. We married in 2003. He was the chair of the meetings and we went on a regular basis till I became pregnant. I had a very tough pregnancy and my child was born premature so it took a lot of extra care and we stopped going to meetings and he gave up his chair status and turned in his keys. We simply did not have the time to leave home with a preemie newborn and were certainly not going to have a babysitter for him.
We bought our dream home here in Montana as we were not going to raise our son in a part of Indiana that we lived in...not bad but not ideal. My husband is retiring in 2 years from his refinery job that he has had for 30 years now and is able to retire at age 50. So I am living in Montana while he is living in Indiana and working. So basically we are seperated but for no longer than 2 months at a time without a visit.
Just over this past Christmas he confessed to me that he was drinking again because he was bored without us. And has been drinking since September of 2004 now. We have been to a Therapist when he is here and my therapist calls him over the phone for sessions.
I have made an agreement with him to get back into AA but will he go? Will the lies stop? What is going to happen to our marriage if he continues. He thinks he is not hurting us because we are 1800 miles away. Our phone conversations are not conversations anymore..he slurs his words...passes out and we fight constantly. Then he tries to turn the BS on me like its my fault he is drinking. No way can I accept that so the conversations needless to say end up arguments. I dont want my young baby (who I will call BD) to grow up without his father. Will DH (dear husband) repeat what happened with his son 28 years ago in his first marriage? I have so many questions and now need to get past my anger to handle this. I am recovering as well from ADDICTION not alcohol but its the same thing.
Also I have been recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Facet Joint Pain, Carpal Tunnel etc. I take pain meds on a daily basis to get thru the days without pain but am not abusing my pain management. Never have. But my DH steals pain meds from me as well. I have to now keep them under digital lock and key when he comes to visit or I visit him.
I am here because I need help in dealing with this. I am so afraid we are going to lose everything we worked so hard for and that my son is going to grow up without Daddy because he chooses to drink. I am still working my recovery thru all this but its even harder now because who is to say I wont throw in the towel as well if I cant cope. One thing I know that helps me so much is that son of mine. He needs me and I will never hurt him.
Maria123 said
Mar 3, 2005
Hi Mamaklop,
I am sorry that you are being challenged right now :(.
Welcome to Al-Anon ((((( hugs ))))) - you certainly have a lot on your plate right now and are in the right place. Please go to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as you can. Some even have ones with child care if you need. In these rooms you will find the love and support to help you.
http://www.12stepforums.net/schedule.html this is the link to online meeting schedules. Please join us in chat and online meetings in the meantime. They are so helpful.
Al-Anon teaches us to keep the focus on ourselves rather than losing time obsessing about our loved one who has a "disease." One Day At A Time (sometimes one moment at a time). Do you have any Al-Anon literature?? The newcomers packet??? Books - One Day At A Time in Al-Anon or Courage to Change?? These are daily readers and are so helpful because they are dailing readings which are short and sweet and help you with perspective right now.
I can't take away your pain but I hope the above helps somewhat. "The journey of 1,000 miles starts with a single step." Welcome and Keep Coming Back. You will find hope.
richard said
Mar 4, 2005
"What is going to happen to our marriage"… it seems to me from what you wrote that you have the misconception your man is married to you. At best, you are the second in rake marriage partner in bigamy marriage; your man is first married to his drugs like alcohol. Coming from an ex-abuser of drugs like alcohol, (I) your man, maybe subconsciously, but planned on drinking again when he first used your newborn problems as an excuse to stop going to A.A. In reality, it turns out quitting A.A. was not a viable solution to the needs of your newborn but rather much counterproductive. I hope you man finds a bottom quickly void of all support absolutely (not even getting his laundry done) so he will have the chance to truly reach out for help and get back to A.A. and 'do' A.A. rather just go to A.A. Then he can be of support for you and your newborn, without A.A. he is less than no help. In addition, his path ought to be a red flag for you in your A.A. free lifestyle now. Sometimes, a good excuse is surely the same as a bad excuse to not at least go to A.A. until you come to do A.A. I too take pain meds. I have awful body pains due to a serious and rare medical condition. It probably would be a good idea for you to get an second opinion to your own assessment of your pain med management. If you have not already figured out the above, just where is your thinking?
Hugs & Luv,
-- Edited by richard at 10:22, 2005-03-04
megan said
Mar 4, 2005
Hello Mamaklop,
Welcome to alanon you are indeed in the right place.
We are taught in alanon the 3 C's - I didn't cause it, can't cure it and I can't control it.
My A too said to me he isn't hurting anyone so what if he drinks? Well I'm stinkin miserable that's who. And alanon has helped me to rise out of the pit of misery and take care of myself.
It can do the same for you.
Right now you need to work on you and not be concerned with what your A is doing. The arguments and phone conversations the deals and pleadings are falling on deaf ears as long as he is using. I'm there right now.
You cannot do it for him, but you can do for yourself. Alanon will help you to get enormous strenghth back, and then when you are stronger, think further down the line.
One day at a time...sometimes one moment at a time.
Concentrate on you, and your child. Things will get better
wallsal55 said
Mar 4, 2005
Welcome...and keep coming back...My husband, too started drinking again after 10 years sobriety... Alanon meetings is the best place for you to be. This is a very important time to take care of you and your baby... it's hard to tell the path of the alcoholic will take. Sometimes, they return to the same place they were before and the disease can progress.
My spouse continued to drink 6 more years....I wish I had gone back to alanon immediately! But I waited until I felt desparate....by then I had already been hurt too much. Anyway, my spouse has found AA again. I always held on to the fact that I had to survive mentally, physically, spiritually, whether my A did or not. Alanon is the place to learn how to do that. You are in the right place! : )
Mamaklop said
Mar 4, 2005
Hi everyone and thank you for your replies. I made my first Alanon meeting today. The only one I could find in my area at this point was 40 miles away and was allowed to take my son with me. It was enlightening. I as well found it to be much like AA with a few differences. Which is good...I do know the program to a certain extent...but it was helpful for me to gain insight and that I am not alone. I received my newcomer's packet and plan to read it after my son is in bed for the night.
Richard...your tough..but yanno what? I am glad you are. I needed to hear it. And your right.
On the pain med situation I have had many injections done prior to starting the pain med therapy. I have been offered Surgery for an Implant to stimulate my spine but I am deathly afraid of having somehting implanted and tripping the spine...so that is out. For right now we are working with Physical Therapy and meds. I was told by my physicians that if one takes their pain meds properly then there is a chance of addiction but not like someone if they were abusing them. I have also read that in many pain articles. So the info can be backed up. I thought at first oh damn...I am gonna be addicted again and be on the other side once again. But like I said I do not abuse my pain meds....MY DH STEALS THEM!!!
Thanks again for all your honesty...greatly appreciated and your concern in telling me to be re-assessed. As far as my back is I have Facet Joint degeneration, protruding discs and as long as I am active with my 33lb one year old ...(not walking yet) I am going to continue to be in pain. The Fibro has been diagnosed since the birth of my son and carpal tunnel well thats just an added bonus I get. Dang message boards...lol. Seriously so far the pain med is not an issue for me...in fact I hate the side effects from them and wont take them unless I have to...I do daily but I wait till last minute sometimes because I dont want to feel tired or nauseus. And the mornings are my worst time of day along with late evening.
richard said
Mar 5, 2005
Hi Mamaklop, you sound like me with pain med management. Good for you… not good to have pain, of course. I do, do one thing a bit different than you, but it is me. I find if I wait to the last minute, I need more pain med than if I take it on onslaught of pain. I do not like some of the side effects also. Vicodin keeps me awake, comfortable but awake… go figure, hun? Good luck with your man. A very long time ago, I temporarily went to Al-anon. One morning at a small meeting, an older woman at another table was speaking loudly. She said something like this: “…my a was being such an ass drinking, yelling, etc. Well, I just had to take a couple of valiums.” A fairly new recovering man, I thought, Jeez! Into what I have I gotten myself. However, I knew she had to not be indicative of Al-anon.
Hugs & Luv,
Ava said
Mar 5, 2005
Hi ya and welcome
Sounds like your A has taken a very big step backwards, mine too found it hard when we had a premature newborn, there are lots of stresses and strains and it is a very difficult time in the beginning with a prem baby.
The distance thing for you must also create an extra difficulty in terms of intimacy and communication as well as isolation.
This site has been invaluable for me and everyday I visit to chat and share, I have laughed more the last two weeks here than I think I did the whole of last year!
Keep visiting and sharing and you will find hope, support and laughter.
Keep smiling and look after yourself and your boy first and foremost.
Thinking of you and feeling your anguish
Ava
Jeannie said
Mar 6, 2005
You have a lot on your plate right now, and your first responsibility has to be to you and your little angel. When you can't get to f2f come here, and come often. The people here care and know what you are going through.
My husband and I are seperated and our youngest is 14 months. I have been pretty much going it alone for most of his life. While I hope things work out for you and your A, I know myself, I made up my mind that if my children where not going to have their father. They where going to have the strongest, healthiest Mom, me and my HP can give them.
Take care.
Love Jeannie
Mamaklop said
Mar 7, 2005
Hi Ya'll have not been around the last couple of days. Like I said I am detaching from the hubby and his problems. I did make the F2F last Friday and it was good. I also spent time with a friend of mine this weekend with our kids. WE did things for ourselves and played with our kids at the park. On Sunday I decided to make a trip to the local church to get out and meet people here. There was a Pot Luck Lunch afterwards and I met many of the folks here in my little town in Montana.
Richard, I take Roxicodone for pain. So it is quite a powerful pain reliever. I am allowed up to six a day if I need it...most of the days its four. Pain is tolerable (its never gone) within 15 minutes of taking it. Some nights are super bad and I awake from the pain so I have to get one then but try not to take it during the night. My sleep is miserable as I cannot get comfortable ever. I also take muscle relaxers with my pain meds. Baclofen is the name. I also have a pharmacy made rub which consists of Lidocaine, Baclofen and Ketoprofen that I rub onto the skin hoping it will get into my joints. Sometimes it helps with heat but not always. Pain really does such eh? I now wish I was not so rough on my body in my younger wilder years.
Our long distance relationship is tough but I have come to the conclusion we are making this sacrifice for our son and that is why we agreed to this cockimany idea in the first place. I am not liking anymore being alone than he does but...I have to accept this sacrifice I chose and go on with life...not take the steps back my husband has. Basically my A needs to grow up and accept life as he cannot change what is going on. Drinking wont do that either. He is such a stubborn man in the first place that when he is drinking he becomes 2x as difficult.
I do apologize for not being as supportive as much as I am seeking. I am terrible about things like that. I will definitely try harder to reply to posts and not be such a MONGER...lol
Hello, I am new here. I am seeking Alanon support because my husband of 2 years has returned to drinking after 17 years being sober. OUCH!!!
Here is my story.
My husband and I met in AA in 2002. We married in 2003. He was the chair of the meetings and we went on a regular basis till I became pregnant. I had a very tough pregnancy and my child was born premature so it took a lot of extra care and we stopped going to meetings and he gave up his chair status and turned in his keys. We simply did not have the time to leave home with a preemie newborn and were certainly not going to have a babysitter for him.
We bought our dream home here in Montana as we were not going to raise our son in a part of Indiana that we lived in...not bad but not ideal. My husband is retiring in 2 years from his refinery job that he has had for 30 years now and is able to retire at age 50. So I am living in Montana while he is living in Indiana and working. So basically we are seperated but for no longer than 2 months at a time without a visit.
Just over this past Christmas he confessed to me that he was drinking again because he was bored without us. And has been drinking since September of 2004 now. We have been to a Therapist when he is here and my therapist calls him over the phone for sessions.
I have made an agreement with him to get back into AA but will he go? Will the lies stop? What is going to happen to our marriage if he continues. He thinks he is not hurting us because we are 1800 miles away. Our phone conversations are not conversations anymore..he slurs his words...passes out and we fight constantly. Then he tries to turn the BS on me like its my fault he is drinking. No way can I accept that so the conversations needless to say end up arguments. I dont want my young baby (who I will call BD) to grow up without his father. Will DH (dear husband) repeat what happened with his son 28 years ago in his first marriage? I have so many questions and now need to get past my anger to handle this. I am recovering as well from ADDICTION not alcohol but its the same thing.
Also I have been recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Facet Joint Pain, Carpal Tunnel etc. I take pain meds on a daily basis to get thru the days without pain but am not abusing my pain management. Never have. But my DH steals pain meds from me as well. I have to now keep them under digital lock and key when he comes to visit or I visit him.
I am here because I need help in dealing with this. I am so afraid we are going to lose everything we worked so hard for and that my son is going to grow up without Daddy because he chooses to drink. I am still working my recovery thru all this but its even harder now because who is to say I wont throw in the towel as well if I cant cope. One thing I know that helps me so much is that son of mine. He needs me and I will never hurt him.
Hi Mamaklop,
I am sorry that you are being challenged right now :(.
Welcome to Al-Anon ((((( hugs ))))) - you certainly have a lot on your plate right now and are in the right place. Please go to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as you can. Some even have ones with child care if you need. In these rooms you will find the love and support to help you.
http://www.12stepforums.net/schedule.html this is the link to online meeting schedules. Please join us in chat and online meetings in the meantime. They are so helpful.
Al-Anon teaches us to keep the focus on ourselves rather than losing time obsessing about our loved one who has a "disease." One Day At A Time (sometimes one moment at a time). Do you have any Al-Anon literature?? The newcomers packet??? Books - One Day At A Time in Al-Anon or Courage to Change?? These are daily readers and are so helpful because they are dailing readings which are short and sweet and help you with perspective right now.
I can't take away your pain but I hope the above helps somewhat. "The journey of 1,000 miles starts with a single step." Welcome and Keep Coming Back. You will find hope.
"What is going to happen to our marriage"… it seems to me from what you wrote that you have the misconception your man is married to you. At best, you are the second in rake marriage partner in bigamy marriage; your man is first married to his drugs like alcohol. Coming from an ex-abuser of drugs like alcohol, (I) your man, maybe subconsciously, but planned on drinking again when he first used your newborn problems as an excuse to stop going to A.A. In reality, it turns out quitting A.A. was not a viable solution to the needs of your newborn but rather much counterproductive. I hope you man finds a bottom quickly void of all support absolutely (not even getting his laundry done) so he will have the chance to truly reach out for help and get back to A.A. and 'do' A.A. rather just go to A.A. Then he can be of support for you and your newborn, without A.A. he is less than no help. In addition, his path ought to be a red flag for you in your A.A. free lifestyle now. Sometimes, a good excuse is surely the same as a bad excuse to not at least go to A.A. until you come to do A.A. I too take pain meds. I have awful body pains due to a serious and rare medical condition. It probably would be a good idea for you to get an second opinion to your own assessment of your pain med management. If you have not already figured out the above, just where is your thinking?
Hugs & Luv,
-- Edited by richard at 10:22, 2005-03-04
Hello Mamaklop,
Welcome to alanon you are indeed in the right place.
We are taught in alanon the 3 C's - I didn't cause it, can't cure it and I can't control it.
My A too said to me he isn't hurting anyone so what if he drinks? Well I'm stinkin miserable that's who. And alanon has helped me to rise out of the pit of misery and take care of myself.
It can do the same for you.
Right now you need to work on you and not be concerned with what your A is doing. The arguments and phone conversations the deals and pleadings are falling on deaf ears as long as he is using. I'm there right now.
You cannot do it for him, but you can do for yourself. Alanon will help you to get enormous strenghth back, and then when you are stronger, think further down the line.
One day at a time...sometimes one moment at a time.
Concentrate on you, and your child. Things will get better
Welcome...and keep coming back...My husband, too started drinking again after 10 years sobriety... Alanon meetings is the best place for you to be. This is a very important time to take care of you and your baby... it's hard to tell the path of the alcoholic will take. Sometimes, they return to the same place they were before and the disease can progress.
My spouse continued to drink 6 more years....I wish I had gone back to alanon immediately! But I waited until I felt desparate....by then I had already been hurt too much. Anyway, my spouse has found AA again. I always held on to the fact that I had to survive mentally, physically, spiritually, whether my A did or not. Alanon is the place to learn how to do that. You are in the right place! : )
Hi everyone and thank you for your replies. I made my first Alanon meeting today. The only one I could find in my area at this point was 40 miles away and was allowed to take my son with me. It was enlightening. I as well found it to be much like AA with a few differences. Which is good...I do know the program to a certain extent...but it was helpful for me to gain insight and that I am not alone. I received my newcomer's packet and plan to read it after my son is in bed for the night.
Richard...your tough..but yanno what? I am glad you are. I needed to hear it. And your right.
On the pain med situation I have had many injections done prior to starting the pain med therapy. I have been offered Surgery for an Implant to stimulate my spine but I am deathly afraid of having somehting implanted and tripping the spine...so that is out. For right now we are working with Physical Therapy and meds. I was told by my physicians that if one takes their pain meds properly then there is a chance of addiction but not like someone if they were abusing them. I have also read that in many pain articles. So the info can be backed up. I thought at first oh damn...I am gonna be addicted again and be on the other side once again. But like I said I do not abuse my pain meds....MY DH STEALS THEM!!!
Thanks again for all your honesty...greatly appreciated and your concern in telling me to be re-assessed. As far as my back is I have Facet Joint degeneration, protruding discs and as long as I am active with my 33lb one year old ...(not walking yet) I am going to continue to be in pain. The Fibro has been diagnosed since the birth of my son and carpal tunnel well thats just an added bonus I get. Dang message boards...lol. Seriously so far the pain med is not an issue for me...in fact I hate the side effects from them and wont take them unless I have to...I do daily but I wait till last minute sometimes because I dont want to feel tired or nauseus. And the mornings are my worst time of day along with late evening.
Hi Mamaklop, you sound like me with pain med management. Good for you… not good to have pain, of course. I do, do one thing a bit different than you, but it is me. I find if I wait to the last minute, I need more pain med than if I take it on onslaught of pain. I do not like some of the side effects also. Vicodin keeps me awake, comfortable but awake… go figure, hun? Good luck with your man. A very long time ago, I temporarily went to Al-anon. One morning at a small meeting, an older woman at another table was speaking loudly. She said something like this: “…my a was being such an ass drinking, yelling, etc. Well, I just had to take a couple of valiums.” A fairly new recovering man, I thought, Jeez! Into what I have I gotten myself. However, I knew she had to not be indicative of Al-anon.
Hugs & Luv,
Hi ya and welcome
Sounds like your A has taken a very big step backwards, mine too found it hard when we had a premature newborn, there are lots of stresses and strains and it is a very difficult time in the beginning with a prem baby.
The distance thing for you must also create an extra difficulty in terms of intimacy and communication as well as isolation.
This site has been invaluable for me and everyday I visit to chat and share, I have laughed more the last two weeks here than I think I did the whole of last year!
Keep visiting and sharing and you will find hope, support and laughter.
Keep smiling and look after yourself and your boy first and foremost.
Thinking of you and feeling your anguish
Ava
You have a lot on your plate right now, and your first responsibility has to be to you and your little angel. When you can't get to f2f come here, and come often. The people here care and know what you are going through.
My husband and I are seperated and our youngest is 14 months. I have been pretty much going it alone for most of his life. While I hope things work out for you and your A, I know myself, I made up my mind that if my children where not going to have their father. They where going to have the strongest, healthiest Mom, me and my HP can give them.
Take care.
Love Jeannie
Hi Ya'll have not been around the last couple of days. Like I said I am detaching from the hubby and his problems. I did make the F2F last Friday and it was good. I also spent time with a friend of mine this weekend with our kids. WE did things for ourselves and played with our kids at the park. On Sunday I decided to make a trip to the local church to get out and meet people here. There was a Pot Luck Lunch afterwards and I met many of the folks here in my little town in Montana.
Richard, I take Roxicodone for pain. So it is quite a powerful pain reliever. I am allowed up to six a day if I need it...most of the days its four. Pain is tolerable (its never gone) within 15 minutes of taking it. Some nights are super bad and I awake from the pain so I have to get one then but try not to take it during the night. My sleep is miserable as I cannot get comfortable ever. I also take muscle relaxers with my pain meds. Baclofen is the name. I also have a pharmacy made rub which consists of Lidocaine, Baclofen and Ketoprofen that I rub onto the skin hoping it will get into my joints. Sometimes it helps with heat but not always. Pain really does such eh? I now wish I was not so rough on my body in my younger wilder years.
Our long distance relationship is tough but I have come to the conclusion we are making this sacrifice for our son and that is why we agreed to this cockimany idea in the first place. I am not liking anymore being alone than he does but...I have to accept this sacrifice I chose and go on with life...not take the steps back my husband has. Basically my A needs to grow up and accept life as he cannot change what is going on. Drinking wont do that either. He is such a stubborn man in the first place that when he is drinking he becomes 2x as difficult.
I do apologize for not being as supportive as much as I am seeking. I am terrible about things like that. I will definitely try harder to reply to posts and not be such a MONGER...lol
Thanks for everything....Mama