Monday night my A and I made a break through. I've been reading my ODAT book and pasting little sayings around the house to remind myself how to react when things got tough.
Well, it all started with me asking him for a separation for a while. I told him I still loved him but didn't like who he becomes when he drinks (he was sober at that time) and I started telling him things that I've hidden within myself to him. The things I didn't like, the things I did like, I was asking him direct questions and getting direct answers. I was actually talking TO him instead of AT him and he was responding to me. I told him that he leaves me out of important decisions and since I am not aware of these decsions, I go against them and that leads to a fight. I told him that I was aware that I conformed to the people around me and never spoke up for myself and that was going to change. I was going to find out who Debbie was and if he didn't like it, oh well. I decided I was going to tell the truth at all times and speak my mind if I don't like something.
I told him that in the past I was afraid to talk to him and tell him what I was thinking in fear of he wouldn't want me anymore. That problem came from my childhood. I did things to please others so much that I lost who I was, but not anymore. My A was smiling the whole time and saying he's been waiting for me to talk. He said that when he talked, I would always stay quiet and that made him talk even more and repeat even more. He was trying to get me to talk back and I didn't. I kept quiet to keep the peace.
I felt really good after we talked and he asked for me to continue talking to him when I have things on my mind. We both know it is a daily thing to work at and I have agreed to go to a marriage counselor with him. I told him I was still going to go to my meetings also and he agreed. He told me he could see a difference in me in just 2 weeks.
I feel like I'm taking the wall down one brick at a time. I feel stronger and more sure of myself. I even told him that he being the man, that I was his responsibility and it was he that needed to pay all the bills and I was just his helpmate when things got tight. His dad is a preacher and he was in church all his life so he knows and he agreed with me. That's why he said he was getting a job tomorrow and taking the burden from me. It was the man's job to care for his family. I said even though we have no children of our own, I am his family and he needs to take care of me. How do I know he's getting one? Cause I took him to the temporary place and he has to go meet with the man at the plant tomorrow. But not until he goes and gets his assessment to get his driver's license back. It's been 7 years that I've been driving him every where and that's stressful enough for me.
My A is taking some responsibility for himself and doing things to make our life better. We love each other very much and both of us want it to work, but both of us also know it will be a long journey. A journey that includes Al-Anon.
Just thought you'd like to know what's been happening in my house. I pray strength and courage on everyone on this messege board. I love you all!
Debbie
richard said
Mar 2, 2005
I am glad you are feeling good about yourself some, but how come you do not take on responsibility for yourself and are trying to pass it onto someone who can barely be responsible for himself? I like my saying that I adopted, "Organized religion is for those that believe that when they die, they might go to hell, spirituality is for those that have already been to hell."
Hugs & Luv,
megan said
Mar 3, 2005
Hi Debbie,
I am very glad that your talk went well. Alanon helps us to stand up for ourselves.
I tried to have a talk with my A last night while he was sober and it went badly. I expressed how I had missed him for the 6 days he was on a binge and he threw it back at me.
I took a long shower. He said he thought I had said he was an adult and could do as he pleased. I said I said I realize you will do as you please but I don't like it. It is very very difficult to deal with you when you are drunk for days - he said - so you say its hard so what.
Your A will get a job - good 4 you....7 years of driving him around is indeed stressful.
it is very nice to hear some positive news
I am glad that you are getting stronger and more sure of yourself, I am too. that is what WE can do...
debalina36 said
Mar 3, 2005
I am not passing the responsibility onto someone who cannot be responsible for himself. I do take responsibility for myself PLUS I care for him. My A realizes he was failing in being a good husband and told me so and knows how I stress out when it comes to bills. I've seen my parents struggle week to week growing up and I don't want that for my marriage.
When we talked last night he was telling me the stressful things that affect him. He was keeping things from me also. Remember, we lacked communication in the marriage and not talking can cause a lot of problems. I see him as only wanting a drink and he sees me as a closed and negative person. We were never aware of how the other one thought about some topics.
But we are trying. I told him that his drinking does bother me, but I don't push the subject since I cannot control what he does. But I have noticed that since we've been opening up to each other, he has drunk less. It also helps that I told him if I come home and find him drunk, that I won't talk to him like we have been. He is also aware that he needs to break free of some of his friends who are heavy drinkers.
With Al-Anon meetings and us talking to each other, I believe that we can make it - day by day.
Mark S said
Mar 3, 2005
Good for you Deb. Open and honest communication is very important in any relationship. Keep on commin back and keep that smile on. It is nice to see some positives when faced with negatives for so long and I really do understand your excitement, just be careful with expectations of another. Hope things go well at the assessment so you can take a break from the drivin. 7 years is a long time.
keep your face to the sun and keep that smile on
Mark
Monday night my A and I made a break through. I've been reading my ODAT book and pasting little sayings around the house to remind myself how to react when things got tough.
Well, it all started with me asking him for a separation for a while. I told him I still loved him but didn't like who he becomes when he drinks (he was sober at that time) and I started telling him things that I've hidden within myself to him. The things I didn't like, the things I did like, I was asking him direct questions and getting direct answers. I was actually talking TO him instead of AT him and he was responding to me. I told him that he leaves me out of important decisions and since I am not aware of these decsions, I go against them and that leads to a fight. I told him that I was aware that I conformed to the people around me and never spoke up for myself and that was going to change. I was going to find out who Debbie was and if he didn't like it, oh well. I decided I was going to tell the truth at all times and speak my mind if I don't like something.
I told him that in the past I was afraid to talk to him and tell him what I was thinking in fear of he wouldn't want me anymore. That problem came from my childhood. I did things to please others so much that I lost who I was, but not anymore. My A was smiling the whole time and saying he's been waiting for me to talk. He said that when he talked, I would always stay quiet and that made him talk even more and repeat even more. He was trying to get me to talk back and I didn't. I kept quiet to keep the peace.
I felt really good after we talked and he asked for me to continue talking to him when I have things on my mind. We both know it is a daily thing to work at and I have agreed to go to a marriage counselor with him. I told him I was still going to go to my meetings also and he agreed. He told me he could see a difference in me in just 2 weeks.
I feel like I'm taking the wall down one brick at a time. I feel stronger and more sure of myself. I even told him that he being the man, that I was his responsibility and it was he that needed to pay all the bills and I was just his helpmate when things got tight. His dad is a preacher and he was in church all his life so he knows and he agreed with me. That's why he said he was getting a job tomorrow and taking the burden from me. It was the man's job to care for his family. I said even though we have no children of our own, I am his family and he needs to take care of me. How do I know he's getting one? Cause I took him to the temporary place and he has to go meet with the man at the plant tomorrow. But not until he goes and gets his assessment to get his driver's license back. It's been 7 years that I've been driving him every where and that's stressful enough for me.
My A is taking some responsibility for himself and doing things to make our life better. We love each other very much and both of us want it to work, but both of us also know it will be a long journey. A journey that includes Al-Anon.
Just thought you'd like to know what's been happening in my house. I pray strength and courage on everyone on this messege board. I love you all!
Debbie
I am glad you are feeling good about yourself some, but how come you do not take on responsibility for yourself and are trying to pass it onto someone who can barely be responsible for himself? I like my saying that I adopted, "Organized religion is for those that believe that when they die, they might go to hell, spirituality is for those that have already been to hell."
Hugs & Luv,
Hi Debbie,
I am very glad that your talk went well. Alanon helps us to stand up for ourselves.
I tried to have a talk with my A last night while he was sober and it went badly. I expressed how I had missed him for the 6 days he was on a binge and he threw it back at me.
I took a long shower. He said he thought I had said he was an adult and could do as he pleased. I said I said I realize you will do as you please but I don't like it. It is very very difficult to deal with you when you are drunk for days - he said - so you say its hard so what.
Your A will get a job - good 4 you....7 years of driving him around is indeed stressful.
it is very nice to hear some positive news
I am glad that you are getting stronger and more sure of yourself, I am too. that is what WE can do...
I am not passing the responsibility onto someone who cannot be responsible for himself. I do take responsibility for myself PLUS I care for him. My A realizes he was failing in being a good husband and told me so and knows how I stress out when it comes to bills. I've seen my parents struggle week to week growing up and I don't want that for my marriage.
When we talked last night he was telling me the stressful things that affect him. He was keeping things from me also. Remember, we lacked communication in the marriage and not talking can cause a lot of problems. I see him as only wanting a drink and he sees me as a closed and negative person. We were never aware of how the other one thought about some topics.
But we are trying. I told him that his drinking does bother me, but I don't push the subject since I cannot control what he does. But I have noticed that since we've been opening up to each other, he has drunk less. It also helps that I told him if I come home and find him drunk, that I won't talk to him like we have been. He is also aware that he needs to break free of some of his friends who are heavy drinkers.
With Al-Anon meetings and us talking to each other, I believe that we can make it - day by day.