I am really just looking for some voices of experience to give me a bit of advice. It is hard to find answers sometimes (I do appreciate the wisdom of the slogans though)
My H is a pot smoker who uses A as a supplement when the marijuana is not enough. lovely.He has been in counselling the past year or so and has had fairly long periods of nonuse, followed by experimentation with use---leading to abuse (again). My question is-- when i notice that he is using again,is it ok for me to say that I am aware of it? I don't want to be in denial and I don't want him to think that he is fooling me either. I don't want to enable or provoke or accuse. I just want to be honest and respectful and not add to the problem.
megan said
Mar 2, 2005
Welcome
I am not real sure of the answer. from what I have learned from alanon we should ignore the pot/alcohol activity.
My A (husband) will put a small bottle of vodka in the cabinet in the kitchen (and then have a case of big vodka bottles stashed in his office).
like to me he is showing minor consumption.
I ignore it as best I can. because in the past mentioning the big botles of vodka stashed in the office has not proved productive.
Is my A fooling me...no.. does he think he is? I don't care.
Alanon teaches us to work on ourselves.
I have found a helpful book to read and reread for me has been getting them sober you can help.
the alanon meetings provide good guidance also
TLC2 said
Mar 2, 2005
I checked out the sites Wassal suggested. I think every newcomer should go there. I know it sure opened my eyes, and I've been coming here over a year. There is a lot of useful information there that will help you understand your A. I couldn't get to the 2nd site at first, but cut it back to: addictionz, and found it, best of luck in your recovery, TLC
Jeannie said
Mar 2, 2005
Thats a hard question. I have never been able to ignore the drinking. My husband lies constantly and the more I ignore the more he lies. I try not confronting him when I know he is drinking, but I do make it known to him that I am aware he is. I do't do this when he is drunk, unless he is trying to drive with our kids.
Love Jeannie
kismetstrand said
Mar 2, 2005
I've been reading How Alanon Works, and last night read "In Al-Anon, we do not give advice. Nobody tells anyone else what to do about their own private situation. For example, we neither advocate nor oppose staying married or getting divorced, confronting the alcoholics in our lives or keeping quiet, allowing our children to live at home or asking them to move out, breaking contact with our families or continuing to develop our relationships. These and countless other difficult decisions are uniquely personal and can only be made by the individuals involved." (p.16)
It goes on to talk about taking our time making these major decisions because as we learn and grow in Al-Anon, our perspective changes, we find options we hadn't considered before, and are able to make decisions we can live with.
I know when I was new, I felt it was important for my A to know how I felt about his drinking. I thought if he knew how I felt, if I could just get him to see how hurtful it was, that he would quit. Now I know that it isn't as simple as that. His drinking isn't about me or how I feel. It is a disease. As Tina Turner sang "What's Love Got to do with It"....and really it isn't about whether he loves me or not.
Nowadays, whether he drinks or not, my feelings/thoughts on it are, it's none of my business. The only time I'd step in and say something would be, like someone else mentioned, if he were to get into the car with the kids to drive or anything else like that where it might put my or my kids lives in jeopardy. I haven't had to face that problem as mine drinks at home in the evenings and then just goes to sleep. He has several times gotten in his car to go buy another bottle...the only time I "interfered" in that was when he started to take MY car.
What I thought of with your question is, what would saying something accomplish? Only you know your man, how he would react. Would saying something make him cease to "hide" when he uses, or would it make him "hide" it all the more? Does either way matter? What is your real motivation for saying anything about it? How Important Is It? These are the type of questions I ask myself when I begin to feel like I might need to say something. I also ask myself, am I focusing on something that is HIS business and not mine? Should I be focusing on something else instead? It was really hard for me to distinguish what was "mine" and what was "his" at first. Many a time I said "but he's my husband, what he does affects me!" It took me a while to understand that even tho he is my husband, that doesn't mean he is my property or vice versa, and that we each are entitled to our separate things. Honesty and Respect, not Control, is what I strive for in our relationship. Looks like that is what you are seeking too.
All I can share is my experience, the things I've asked myself, the new perspective Al-Anon has given me. All I can do is encourage you to Keep Coming Back! and give yourself the chance to find the answers you seek as you Listen and Learn from the program. It really Does help! I spent many hours in our chat room here, I still do, and I also attend ftf (face to face) meetings locally. We can help you find meetings if you don't know where they are. Best wishes to you!
Luv, Kis
Jill said
Mar 2, 2005
gknee welcome to our message board.
In my own history, I couldn't tell it mattered whether I told my a how his drinking affected me or didn't tell. I told until I reached the point I realized it didn't matter. I'm not saying anyone else should do this, but telling him or keeping it to myself didn't matter to him (as far as I could tell by his behavior).
I remember during the telling phase, I would get all wound up. Life was more dramatic. too much so for me.
I hope to see you here and in our chat room.
Jill
gknee said
Mar 3, 2005
thank u to all of you for your responses. I think I just look for the "right" answer too much--and there really isn't one. I have to remember my 3 C's and then I know that I don't have the power to mess things up.
I'll keep coming back. It is nice to talk about this in an appropriate place.
cah said
Mar 3, 2005
"I think I just look for the "right" answer too much--and there really isn't one. I have to remember my 3 C's and then I know that I don't have the power to mess things up."
gknee, I do this as well......looking for the solution, looking for the right answer. I feel it is normal.
Hi everyone-
I am really just looking for some voices of experience to give me a bit of advice. It is hard to find answers sometimes (I do appreciate the wisdom of the slogans though)
My H is a pot smoker who uses A as a supplement when the marijuana is not enough. lovely.He has been in counselling the past year or so and has had fairly long periods of nonuse, followed by experimentation with use---leading to abuse (again). My question is-- when i notice that he is using again,is it ok for me to say that I am aware of it? I don't want to be in denial and I don't want him to think that he is fooling me either. I don't want to enable or provoke or accuse. I just want to be honest and respectful and not add to the problem.
Welcome
I am not real sure of the answer. from what I have learned from alanon we should ignore the pot/alcohol activity.
My A (husband) will put a small bottle of vodka in the cabinet in the kitchen (and then have a case of big vodka bottles stashed in his office).
like to me he is showing minor consumption.
I ignore it as best I can. because in the past mentioning the big botles of vodka stashed in the office has not proved productive.
Is my A fooling me...no.. does he think he is? I don't care.
Alanon teaches us to work on ourselves.
I have found a helpful book to read and reread for me has been getting them sober you can help.
the alanon meetings provide good guidance also
Thats a hard question. I have never been able to ignore the drinking. My husband lies constantly and the more I ignore the more he lies. I try not confronting him when I know he is drinking, but I do make it known to him that I am aware he is. I do't do this when he is drunk, unless he is trying to drive with our kids.
Love Jeannie
I've been reading How Alanon Works, and last night read "In Al-Anon, we do not give advice. Nobody tells anyone else what to do about their own private situation. For example, we neither advocate nor oppose staying married or getting divorced, confronting the alcoholics in our lives or keeping quiet, allowing our children to live at home or asking them to move out, breaking contact with our families or continuing to develop our relationships. These and countless other difficult decisions are uniquely personal and can only be made by the individuals involved." (p.16)
It goes on to talk about taking our time making these major decisions because as we learn and grow in Al-Anon, our perspective changes, we find options we hadn't considered before, and are able to make decisions we can live with.
I know when I was new, I felt it was important for my A to know how I felt about his drinking. I thought if he knew how I felt, if I could just get him to see how hurtful it was, that he would quit. Now I know that it isn't as simple as that. His drinking isn't about me or how I feel. It is a disease. As Tina Turner sang "What's Love Got to do with It"....and really it isn't about whether he loves me or not.
Nowadays, whether he drinks or not, my feelings/thoughts on it are, it's none of my business. The only time I'd step in and say something would be, like someone else mentioned, if he were to get into the car with the kids to drive or anything else like that where it might put my or my kids lives in jeopardy. I haven't had to face that problem as mine drinks at home in the evenings and then just goes to sleep. He has several times gotten in his car to go buy another bottle...the only time I "interfered" in that was when he started to take MY car.
What I thought of with your question is, what would saying something accomplish? Only you know your man, how he would react. Would saying something make him cease to "hide" when he uses, or would it make him "hide" it all the more? Does either way matter? What is your real motivation for saying anything about it? How Important Is It? These are the type of questions I ask myself when I begin to feel like I might need to say something. I also ask myself, am I focusing on something that is HIS business and not mine? Should I be focusing on something else instead? It was really hard for me to distinguish what was "mine" and what was "his" at first. Many a time I said "but he's my husband, what he does affects me!" It took me a while to understand that even tho he is my husband, that doesn't mean he is my property or vice versa, and that we each are entitled to our separate things. Honesty and Respect, not Control, is what I strive for in our relationship. Looks like that is what you are seeking too.
All I can share is my experience, the things I've asked myself, the new perspective Al-Anon has given me. All I can do is encourage you to Keep Coming Back! and give yourself the chance to find the answers you seek as you Listen and Learn from the program. It really Does help! I spent many hours in our chat room here, I still do, and I also attend ftf (face to face) meetings locally. We can help you find meetings if you don't know where they are. Best wishes to you!
Luv, Kis
gknee welcome to our message board.
In my own history, I couldn't tell it mattered whether I told my a how his drinking affected me or didn't tell. I told until I reached the point I realized it didn't matter. I'm not saying anyone else should do this, but telling him or keeping it to myself didn't matter to him (as far as I could tell by his behavior).
I remember during the telling phase, I would get all wound up. Life was more dramatic. too much so for me.
I hope to see you here and in our chat room.
Jill
thank u to all of you for your responses. I think I just look for the "right" answer too much--and there really isn't one. I have to remember my 3 C's and then I know that I don't have the power to mess things up.
I'll keep coming back. It is nice to talk about this in an appropriate place.
"I think I just look for the "right" answer too much--and there really isn't one. I have to remember my 3 C's and then I know that I don't have the power to mess things up."
gknee, I do this as well......looking for the solution, looking for the right answer. I feel it is normal.
Take care of you!
*hugs*