When we see loved ones do things that hurt themselves, we hurt too. When they act self-defeating or are addicted or when we see their pain and the trouble they cause themselves and others, we might gladly turn ourselves inside out for them if it would help. But it would not.
Sometimes help doesn't help: it gets in the way. A truly respectful love stands by in loving contact and may allow a partner to face a problem without interference. Simply listening, or making a phone call, or giving a card may help you bolster your partner's strength. No fixing is possible, but quiet loving contact does help.
Tell about a time when you wanted to give up your own well-being for someone who was not taking care of him- or herself. --
--from The More We Find in Each Other
megan said
Feb 28, 2005
Yes, I try to remember that within my A's diseased and withered body is a human being who deserves respect and...love
I like the "quiet loving contact" sometimes I forget it and just ignore....
To give up my well being to help another who was not taking care of himself.
I struggle with this daily. In fact for years I did give up my well being. I nagged my A not to drink, to eat, to bathe, to exercise.
I badgered, I pleaded, I prayed, I bargained. I bought his favorite foods and got rid of the liquor.
I contantly worried whether or not he was drinking.I gave up any peace of mind at all and became consumed by his problems.
Then my prayers were answered and I found alanon.
I'm not so crazy anymore.
I do things for myself. yesterday I rented a car to go to my nephew's lacrosse game. I NEVER would have done such a thing before
here is my "with the help of alanon day"
I woke up, made breakfast and out of earshot called to rent a car. They said they had a car but couldn't pick me up. I perservered. I called a taxi - I had put the number in my cell "just in case". i rented the car and ran some errands. Then I went home and picked up my bike tire that was flat and got that fixed. Then I drove to a pirogi store and bought some pirogi for a luncheon today.
i drove home and cooked the pirogi. i offered some to my A and he didn't want any and didn't question the cooking of so many pirogi.
Then I told him john from the bike shop wants him to call about making up the 2 bike classes he missed (due to drinking). My A seemed bewildered - hey how did you get there?
I explained I rented a car. He made an odd face, looked at my slacks pocket as though he could see in to the car key, I think in his brain he was thinking to take the key from me but he stopped himself.
Then I packed up the pirogi. I told him I was going to a meeting and then to see my nephew play lacrosse
He ignored me and I left and had a nice night. I drove to a meeting posted on the web some distance from my home but no one was there, must have changed times.
Then I went to the lacrosse game - it was cancelled not enough players. So I went with my 2 brothers and my nephew to Chevy's and had a beer and an appetizer and talked.
It felt so very good to be among "normal" people...
When I came home there was my A in the same spot. I showed him the glasses given to us by my brother - a fundraiser for his other son's football team and he said "thank-you for coming home"
I said you know I have a choice to come home or not and he said I know.
I may even buy my own car....
TLC2 said
Feb 28, 2005
Wonderful!! Congradulations!! I'm very happy for you! I see you got A's attention too. I found that once I was so much happier, mine became happier too, and everything changed for the better. Way to go! TLC
cdb said
Feb 28, 2005
Wow megan,
I am so in awe by what you posted! What strength you have! I learned to do things without my husband when the kids were young from counseling and not 12 steps. Yet, I was not able to convey the message in such a manner like you did. And, I was not able to detatch in a healthy way back then or convey anything in a healthy manner. Thank God for this post (wallsal) and the replies! cdb
page said
Mar 1, 2005
Wow Megan. Your life sounds alot like mine. I'm just at the beginning though, of going out and doing things that please ME. It's so hard after so many years of trying to make things work with my life partner for my own self fullfillment with life with my partner- only to have everything crushed every time due to S/O's hangover, being too drunk, not feeling well, and whatever other excuse to be thought of to avoid being with me... or anyone else for that matter.
I'm sick to death of bending around my alcoholic life partner. I'm miserable and it's time I take care of me. S/O's life revolves around AA and the tons of support offered there. I get none of it. S/O's life is all about AA and it doesn't include me. I'm left in the cold and life is toooo complicated for me to just walk out and start over again. Alnon seems to be my answer. Let my A S/O have all that support and love and attention because that is what S/O demands. I have needs too, to be noticed, to be loved, to have someone, anyone, actually pay attention to me and CARE. I don't get any of that because AA focuses on the alcoholic- not the left behind life partner who's life is in shambles trying to care for the alcoholic! I'm sick to death of the partner's extended family all caring and concerned about life partner. No one notices me, running the household to keep it in order, paying the bills, making sure we don't live in a pigpen, making sure the house doesn't doesn't go into forclosure, needing to be the bitch to keep partner working while me (bitch) keeps on keeping on with my own full time job. NO- it's only about poor alcoholic partner who has this disease. I only turn out to be the unaproachable Bitch!(because of my years of having to try to make our life work)
Pardon my rant- it's been too many years of dealing with B.S. with no help and no support.
PAGE~
quote:Originally posted by: megan " Yes, I try to remember that within my A's diseased and withered body is a human being who deserves respect and...love I like the "quiet loving contact" sometimes I forget it and just ignore.... To give up my well being to help another who was not taking care of himself. I struggle with this daily. In fact for years I did give up my well being. I nagged my A not to drink, to eat, to bathe, to exercise. I badgered, I pleaded, I prayed, I bargained. I bought his favorite foods and got rid of the liquor. I contantly worried whether or not he was drinking.I gave up any peace of mind at all and became consumed by his problems. Then my prayers were answered and I found alanon. I'm not so crazy anymore. I do things for myself. yesterday I rented a car to go to my nephew's lacrosse game. I NEVER would have done such a thing before here is my "with the help of alanon day" I woke up, made breakfast and out of earshot called to rent a car. They said they had a car but couldn't pick me up. I perservered. I called a taxi - I had put the number in my cell "just in case". i rented the car and ran some errands. Then I went home and picked up my bike tire that was flat and got that fixed. Then I drove to a pirogi store and bought some pirogi for a luncheon today. i drove home and cooked the pirogi. i offered some to my A and he didn't want any and didn't question the cooking of so many pirogi. Then I told him john from the bike shop wants him to call about making up the 2 bike classes he missed (due to drinking). My A seemed bewildered - hey how did you get there? I explained I rented a car. He made an odd face, looked at my slacks pocket as though he could see in to the car key, I think in his brain he was thinking to take the key from me but he stopped himself. Then I packed up the pirogi. I told him I was going to a meeting and then to see my nephew play lacrosse He ignored me and I left and had a nice night. I drove to a meeting posted on the web some distance from my home but no one was there, must have changed times. Then I went to the lacrosse game - it was cancelled not enough players. So I went with my 2 brothers and my nephew to Chevy's and had a beer and an appetizer and talked. It felt so very good to be among "normal" people... When I came home there was my A in the same spot. I showed him the glasses given to us by my brother - a fundraiser for his other son's football team and he said "thank-you for coming home" I said you know I have a choice to come home or not and he said I know. I may even buy my own car...."
-- Edited by page at 01:00, 2005-03-01
-- Edited by page at 01:03, 2005-03-01
megan said
Mar 1, 2005
Hi Page,
Rant away. Alanon is providing the support that I need to get on with MY LIFE It can provide the same help to you.
I read on this board someone's advice "Your A is going to drink - what are YOU going to do"
Well I sure am going to do things without him.
You can to. 1 small step at a time. It is tough to change what you are used to but the self-confidence and the power you feel are worth it.
I was scared to rent the car, scared to cook the pirogi, scared to go to the game. But I made myself do it. i could not see how great the upside would be while I worried about my A's reaction.
Please find a face to face meeting it really helps. The online meetings here are wonderful too as is the chatroom.
You don't HAVE to be the b itch....There are other ways to be. Come join me on the path to healing.
megan
Ava said
Mar 2, 2005
In reading your note it came to me - Let it be, just let it be. I have tried to so hard to help my husband - cheer him up, listened endlessly to his work problems, friend problems, depression problems, house not being perfect problems. And then after a while I thought - but my helping isnt helping! He is just sucking me dry and hang on a minute how am i going to enjoy my life and my son if i am constantly trying to help someones whos problems and worries seem to be endless and ongoing.
So yes my helping was not helping him or me and its seems now that the less i try to help and let go, the happier i am.
When we see loved ones do things that hurt themselves, we hurt too. When they act self-defeating or are addicted or when we see their pain and the trouble they cause themselves and others, we might gladly turn ourselves inside out for them if it would help. But it would not.
Sometimes help doesn't help: it gets in the way. A truly respectful love stands by in loving contact and may allow a partner to face a problem without interference. Simply listening, or making a phone call, or giving a card may help you bolster your partner's strength. No fixing is possible, but quiet loving contact does help.
Tell about a time when you wanted to give up your own well-being for someone who was not taking care of him- or herself. --
--from The More We Find in Each Other
Yes, I try to remember that within my A's diseased and withered body is a human being who deserves respect and...love
I like the "quiet loving contact" sometimes I forget it and just ignore....
To give up my well being to help another who was not taking care of himself.
I struggle with this daily. In fact for years I did give up my well being. I nagged my A not to drink, to eat, to bathe, to exercise.
I badgered, I pleaded, I prayed, I bargained. I bought his favorite foods and got rid of the liquor.
I contantly worried whether or not he was drinking.I gave up any peace of mind at all and became consumed by his problems.
Then my prayers were answered and I found alanon.
I'm not so crazy anymore.
I do things for myself. yesterday I rented a car to go to my nephew's lacrosse game. I NEVER would have done such a thing before
here is my "with the help of alanon day"
I woke up, made breakfast and out of earshot called to rent a car. They said they had a car but couldn't pick me up. I perservered. I called a taxi - I had put the number in my cell "just in case". i rented the car and ran some errands. Then I went home and picked up my bike tire that was flat and got that fixed. Then I drove to a pirogi store and bought some pirogi for a luncheon today.
i drove home and cooked the pirogi. i offered some to my A and he didn't want any and didn't question the cooking of so many pirogi.
Then I told him john from the bike shop wants him to call about making up the 2 bike classes he missed (due to drinking). My A seemed bewildered - hey how did you get there?
I explained I rented a car. He made an odd face, looked at my slacks pocket as though he could see in to the car key, I think in his brain he was thinking to take the key from me but he stopped himself.
Then I packed up the pirogi. I told him I was going to a meeting and then to see my nephew play lacrosse
He ignored me and I left and had a nice night. I drove to a meeting posted on the web some distance from my home but no one was there, must have changed times.
Then I went to the lacrosse game - it was cancelled not enough players. So I went with my 2 brothers and my nephew to Chevy's and had a beer and an appetizer and talked.
It felt so very good to be among "normal" people...
When I came home there was my A in the same spot. I showed him the glasses given to us by my brother - a fundraiser for his other son's football team and he said "thank-you for coming home"
I said you know I have a choice to come home or not and he said I know.
I may even buy my own car....
Wow megan,
I am so in awe by what you posted! What strength you have! I learned to do things without my husband when the kids were young from counseling and not 12 steps. Yet, I was not able to convey the message in such a manner like you did. And, I was not able to detatch in a healthy way back then or convey anything in a healthy manner. Thank God for this post (wallsal) and the replies! cdb
-- Edited by page at 01:00, 2005-03-01
-- Edited by page at 01:03, 2005-03-01
Hi Page,
Rant away. Alanon is providing the support that I need to get on with MY LIFE It can provide the same help to you.
I read on this board someone's advice "Your A is going to drink - what are YOU going to do"
Well I sure am going to do things without him.
You can to. 1 small step at a time. It is tough to change what you are used to but the self-confidence and the power you feel are worth it.
I was scared to rent the car, scared to cook the pirogi, scared to go to the game. But I made myself do it. i could not see how great the upside would be while I worried about my A's reaction.
Please find a face to face meeting it really helps. The online meetings here are wonderful too as is the chatroom.
You don't HAVE to be the b itch....There are other ways to be. Come join me on the path to healing.
megan
In reading your note it came to me - Let it be, just let it be. I have tried to so hard to help my husband - cheer him up, listened endlessly to his work problems, friend problems, depression problems, house not being perfect problems. And then after a while I thought - but my helping isnt helping! He is just sucking me dry and hang on a minute how am i going to enjoy my life and my son if i am constantly trying to help someones whos problems and worries seem to be endless and ongoing.
So yes my helping was not helping him or me and its seems now that the less i try to help and let go, the happier i am.
Thanks
ava