I'm new.  I've heard a sponser should be someone you like, someone who's done the steps & is, well, experienced, if I can say that?  What's the job of a sponser, I don't quite get it.

Hi,

I am wondering the same thing... Hoping to go to first Al anon meeting Monday night..if we don't have a snow storm!!...My son is coming home tomorrow and has only been in detox since Tue. but  that is how it is done here!!  I think it is way too soon..

~~Pam~~

My personal view on finding a sponser should be someone that you feel comfortable with and trust... I would also recommend a sponser that is either Al-anon or if you are in AA that it should be a AA sponser and if your both which is called a double winner then find one that is from both sides AA and Al-anon.... When I started out in the program 10 months ago I got a double winner and things didn't work out so now I have a Al-anon person only.. Cause I didn't need a AA sponser. I would also recommend taking your time there is no hurry in finding a sponser. You can also pray to your hp and ask him to guide you to someone... Sponsers are pretty cool and very helpful.. Well I hope this helps.. Bubbles123

Hi there.  Well for me, a sponsor was wonderful because I was SO lost when I first came into Al-Anon that I absolutely needed someone to share one-on-one with me after the meetings.  My sponsor (I've had her in my life for 11 years now even though I've moved a million times since that meeting where we met) was really the first person to "show me" how life could be lived, a different way then what I learned in my alcoholic home. She helped me learn how to work the Steps, was someone who listened and loved me without judgement and still does, and in watching her growth, I began to believe that I could grow as well.  I think sponsorship is beautiful and amazing and I will always be grateful that I have had mine in my life. 

As far as how to choose one, I always heard in the beginning of my program that a good way is to listen to other members when they share and if they seem to have what you want, i.e., serenity, confidence, whatever, then they might be a good person to ask. Also, a good thing that I did that definitely worked for me was to ask my Higher Power to guide me to someone who would be good for my recovery.  I felt drawn to my sponsor right away and was so grateful when she said yes. 

After all of these years she is still a part of my spiritual family, one of the few people in life that I can really, really count on, and someone who loves me no matter what I've done or where I'm at in my recovery. 

I hope that your own search will end up as great as mine did! 

Good luck and take good care,

Tracy

Babs,

It took me 4 years to find a sponsor.  This is just my story :).  The first few months, I could barely say my name and say "pass" when it came to me to speak.  I did a lot of listening.  The denial was so ingrained in me, and I was afraid.  I was like a sponge absorbing everything everyone said.  After about a year, I began looking and listening more and more.  And I would listen for stories as well.  Someone who consistently gave experience, strength and hope (not that their life was perfect but that they would use the program when times were tough).  In my F2F, the chair asks if anyone would be willing to be a temporary sponsor, and people raise their hands.  So I would look around the room and see if there was anyone who had those qualities, as well as someone who I could relate to.

I also feel, as Al-Anon suggests, that a woman have a woman and a man have a man.  But each situation is a little different.  I also agree that a double winner would not have worked for me.  I think F2F are the best also because it gives you the personal touch.  A hug when you feel fragile; the human contact.  And no one says you can't have two sponsors so you could also have an online one.

After this time, I had already worked the four steps and was stuck at five because I was afraid to share my fourth step with someone and had no one to share it with.  It takes courage and humility to do that and that's why I recommend someone you feel a "karma" with -- someone who listens with love and without judgement.  So I prayed and then just asked a woman and lo and behold she said yes.  It was wonderful for me to share my story with her.  However, she had to step down as my sponsor after a year due to personal problems in her life.  But I was ok then and was ready to ask someone else to be my sponsor.  The first time was the hardest for me.

So say a little prayer, let go and let God and when you feel someone is right for you, just ask :).  Let me know how you make out.  OK :)

Maria

I am at my wits' end attempting to understand your reply Richard. You are mixing apples and oranges. The long and short of it is, your analogy is faulty. Some people progress quite well on their own while others need to feel the comfort of having a special someone who "understands." You can argue that we all understand the problems of the others, all being in the "same boat" so to speak. I am sure we do, but I may wish to expose my soul to one human being and not another. Perhaps I have the wrong impression of what sponsorship entails, but to me having a sponsor means having someone to lean upon during the bad times and the good ones. Convoluted comparisons just don't cut it. I don't know what I would do without my f2f sponsor. She knows my mind and my heart; she knows my joys and my sorrows; she knows my abilities and my failings. She is the one to whom I cling when I cry, and the one to whom I run when I am happy. She knows the program well, and helps guide me on my path to serenity. During my darkest days, she could bring a smile to my face. My dear Rebecca is my savior. No I have not dismissed God from my daily life. I believe that anyone who gives of his/her time to unselfishly help another deserves my utmost respect. To make a statement like (I am paraphrasing here)"those who made it did it alone, but all those who failed had sponsors" is fallacy. I fail to see any logic. Your opinion is your own, of course, and you have a right to it. I, however, respectfully disagree . Diva

I was taught a specific group of guidelines for picking a sponsor: 1. A minimum of one year face to face Al-Anon. 2. The potential sponsor is doing or has done work at the level of Alternate Group Rep. or higher. 3. Understanding of the issues involved is critical. 4. The same gender principle appies only to a first sponsorship. 5. A good sponsor must be willing to get an agreement in writing before work begins. 6. DO NOT PICK a sponsor who is emotionally and/or physically attracted to you! 7. DO NOT PICK a sponsor who lies about credentials! They will be untrustworthy in other issues as well. 8. DO NOT PICK a sponsor that does not have good attendance at meetings or who hasn't been given additional responsibilities within a year. The Twelve Traditions give me the right to be picky, as I am hiring a special worker. As such I can raise the bar as high as I need to. I have the right to pick the best person for the job! Hope this helps. Haximon

 Hello everyone!

Sponsorship--one of alanon's best kept secrets....This is just my opinion...I feel it is kept a secret!....  Haxi...I didn't know there was a set of guidelines...At one group I attend they tell members, I can't tell you "yes or no" if I can be a sponsor until I ask my sponsor.

Well, to a newbie, that sounds like "I have to find out if I can take you on".

Now how does that sound  to a newbie who has already faced the rejection of alcoholism?

Rejection.

I must say that approach leaves me skeptical.  Where I attend sponsorship is never discussed.  The only thing that is said is : Get one.

Communication about sponsorship--Zilch!

So...if I may say so....it's all pretty confusing to me STILL!     JMO

-- Edited by wallsal55 at 13:20, 2005-02-28

P.S.--  Now, that I have made my point.....to me...the greatest part of having a sponsor would be to Not Have to Go Through Anything Alone!  We try to do so much of that ourselves in life....not ask for help or not depend on others.

Truth is, when we have lived with alcoholism for many, many months or YEARS...our thinking is distorted most or some of the time....  I truly believe that we alanoners do some pretty good thinking most of the time...but we have an addict telling us just the opposite.   And if it's not the addict, it's our own guilt, shame, emotions, others, etc.

Most days, in my recovery, my mind worked pretty well, to get me on the right path to bring my emotions under control.  But some days my best thinking could get me into trouble!  Some days, my thinking would just get disorted if I was hungry, angry, lonely or tired. HALT.

And secondly, a sponsor comes in handy, when a woman needs to talk one on one with another woman....and vice-versa.    Alcohol permeates all areas of our lives, even the most intimate.

I am so grateful for the program and the women in it I have met.  I could not have stood alone through all of this.