Hello - last night was pretty bad. I reacted to him. I fell back into my old habits and screamed back at him. I was actually trying to reason with my A, knowing full well my words were falling on deaf ears. I might as well talk to the wall. I knew that when he gets his unemployment check, he will drink and drink and drink. At first I didn't react to his words, but he kept repeating the same sentence over and over again and it was really getting on my nerves! I snapped back and then all hell broke loose.

He kept talking to me and yelling at me late into the night and when I would finally fall asleep, he'd wake me up. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

Today I received my books in the mail. ODAT and Courage and look forward to reading everyday. I prayed for wisdom tonight and I know God will help me. My A seems unusually quiet tonight. I spoke to him and even kissed him and that softened his face up. I could almost see the man I married in that slight smile.

I know everyday will be a different challenge and with God's help, your support and prayers and my determination, it can be done.

Debbie

Hi

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. It is certainly difficult for us to break habits that we have practiced for years. That haven't work but we knew not how else to act.

My A used to wake me up too. Now I take a sleeping pill most nights....

 

One day at a time. sometimes 5 minutes at a time.

Here is a tip from a friend I met on this board- take a very very long shower and lock the door. The A loses interest, you calm down and get clean toooo...

Things will get better

Hi deb, wow I remember when I still would react too. But I promise in time, with skills you won't do it anymore. It will get where it is natural not to respond. I finally would not share a room with him. I had my own room, my sanctuary. put my tv and satellite in there, had my own bathroom and a door out too. You are doing fine. Another book that I always recommend is,"Getting Them sober." by andrew rice drew. I think that is the right author. If you want to email me private I can send ya one if you cannot find it. I really was enjoying my A once I got my alanon skills to the point they were just my life. if he came home drunk I would know it was not him in control of his body as soon as he walked in the door. the worst part was I missed my husband. So I would just go into my room or go mess around on the farm. If the disease tried to engage me, i would usually not say much. I was no fun for it so it gave up. I know that is what makes it easier for the disease now when he lives with his mommy. he can argue or fight or be around the diseases low life people who also are walking disease pod people. It is horrible. I know deb. Believe me I know. you are doing such a loving thing for you and your A. the book I mentioned would really help you. It is easy to read and very, very right on. I am ok now. took me years to get here. I am past the even wanting to talk to him. Thanks so the loving people here who made me look at some facts of my roller coaster. I got off. and am on a completely new path now!! Glad to see ya posting. love,debilyn

I think that there was a time that after I psychologically abused my mate and got a kiss as a reward, it would have soften my face also knowing I got my way once again. As for yelling at him, I guess you are not perfect at numbing your feelings yet. Let me know when you are, okay?

Hugs & Luv,

My mom used to have a saying, "You can't argue with a stop sign."  Basically, it got the point across to me as a kid that arguing with my dad when he was intoxicated was about as effective as arguing with an inanimate object, and you can't argue with the alcohol, which is what is doing the talking for the alcoholic.  That's not to say that its not tempting to TRY....only because we have such a hard time reconciling the fact that its the alcohol talking, and not the person whose body it is inhabiting.

twyl & ltr,

Mer

Debbie, I tried just about everything, too, to get my A to stop drinking--yelling, crying, accepting, loving, listening, denying my feelings just to have peace.  Nothing worked.  Thank my HP for helping me find this site as it has helped me so much to realize that I just don't have any control over the situation. 

I only become adament with him when he does something that encroaches on me--like keeping me from sleeping or when he makes a mess and doesn't clean it up because of his drinking.  I remember once when he came home from the bar, his moods would go from angry to loving and back to angry, etc., when I tried to talk with him.  And, I would see such a loving side of him; and, of course, a dark, angry side.  So now, I just try to follow what I have learned here--take care of me...not much of a relationship w my A, needless to say. 

When I do get angry w him, I accept that.  And, I certainly don't deal w him when he is drinking.  I, too, go in my room and lock the door.  TAKE CARE OF YOU.  Love and peace, Annie

Don't be so hard on yourself, Debalina.  I've tried the shower thing & all that.  My A would follow me in there!!!   Sometimes, there's nothing you can do to avoid a contfrontation. 

Thanks for the support and the shower bit. When things do get too bad, I retreat to the bathroom just to get myself together again.

Since Thursday night, my A hasn't drank. I am cherishing these 2 days because I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I read in my ODAT a saying that hit home for me.

"I pray to remember, every day, every hour, and especially in times of crisis, that hostile behavior on my part will only add fuel to a fire that could destroy us both."

I also wonder about this wall that I have built around myself. Is it a wall to protect me or keep him out? I still love him and yes, I know when he drinks it isn't him doing the talking.

Hey, I have to tell you something amusing he told me tonight. Well, when he drinks and talks he's always repeating the same story or action I did eons ago and today his friend, who is also a drinker, was telling the same thing he just told him less than 2 hours ago and my A said that his friends repeating stories was getting on his nerves!

I didn't react, I just smiled inside. If his friend could let him see what I see when my A is sober, then perhaps it will awaken him.

I need more books and will get them eventually, but if anyone has any extras I can buy or borrow, please email me at debalina36@aol.com.

Thanks for the support and prayers and my prayers are with you also. Remember, God looked at our lives from the end to the beginning and He knows we will survive whatever storm we encounter.

 

Oh Debbie my heart aches for you. I am sorry you and your two-year-old beautiful daughter are going through this. I entirely agree with Richard on this one. We do the best we can...we are not perfect, nor will we ever be. Not in this life. Take good care of you and the little one. With much caring, Diva

Dear((((((((( Deb))))))))) I posted the same, thing about two or three weeks ago, (my a repeats the same old stoires). It is amazing, how this disease is sooooo predictable... I can totally relate to every word you expressed. And got a little chuckle about your a's buddy (he got tired of listening to your A's repeats). Wow, it is so unreal, that we do go through the same things because of our A'. Anyway, posted about the fact that my a, is forever playing the same darn tape, (story) over and over, until I asked him to CHANGE the tape.,,, not like it would do anything, he just found some one else who would listen..... not I, I took a hot tea, bath, locked my door, kept my mouth shut.... very difficult, to overcome negitive past behaviors,,, plus took a sleeping tablet. He could yell all he wanted, but also, put ear pluggs in!, and I said, before going to sleep, I have had enough, my body, is asking for rest, so,,, goodnight, and I went off to sleepy land. Anyway, just wanted to share that with ya, glad I am here, IT WILL GET BETTER, DEB,TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, AND THE REST WILL FALL INTO PLACE, THATS WHAT GOT ME TO WHERE I am which is an ok place,,, (with the REAL me). Love and peace to you, and your little girl