well, i have a lot of unexpected time at home today, and i'm trying to keep busy.  i am reading, painting,...  i have not seen my ex "A" in 6 months, nor have we talked for one month.  i have resisted calling, e-mailing, driving by,...(trying to think of these as esteemable acts).  i still miss her very much, and wake up thinking about her.  i try to counter those waking thoughts by praying, using slogans, making alanon calls, ... today i am very tempted to e-mail one of her family members just to get some scoop and see how she is, but i know that any remote attempt at contact will cause me pain and rejection, and that the hidden motive would be to keep the hope of reconciliation alive.  the truth is, there is no hope for reconciliation, and she is seeing someone else (although it is a long distance relationship-perfect to hide her "A").  when i am thinking realistically, i know that i tried everything i could, she knows how i feel, and i can't control what has happened or how she feels about me.  i guess i can't force love. i'm having an especially difficult time, because i bought into her lines.  she had a golden tongue when it came to throwing those one liners out there, and i fell for the lines and for her.  she talked the talk, but didn't walk the walk. thanks to anyone who responds with some encouragement (again!!).  taking the time to type this has kept me from calling, e-mailing,...  i wish i came to this site to offer help more often, than to always ask for it.  i'm gonna try- i guess we all need to be here for each other.  i'm very tired, and i do try to use "halt", but i feel like i'll get even more depressed if i nap.  THANKS FOR "LISTENING"!!!!!

mariss

I just wanted to say "Hang in there"....you already know what is good and bad for you to do in this situation it seems, which in and of itself is a BIG step in a positive direction.  Love is hard, especially when it is "unrequited" or "unbalanced" where one side gives all and the other side takes until one has nothing left for oneself....Whoever coined the phrase "All you need is love" should have clarified their definition of love a bit......  

*much love and hugs*

Mer

hi Marissa

I have had many days like yours when I can't get him out of my head, really obsessing and for me it's like I'm addicted to just thinking, more makes me want more. I know that temptation to skirt around the edges (contacting a family member to get more info) as if that wouldn't violate my rules about contacting him. It was very uncomfortable for me. I hope this is OK to say but listening to this song http://www.lyricscrawler.com/song/59015.html was such a help in quieting my mind. Even singing along to it helped regulate my breathing and relaxed me.

You are already concentrating on doing what you need to protect yourself. Alanon is so great for me teaching me concrete things to keep my brain in a good place. The slogans are helpful to me, too.

As far as the golden one-liners, it sounds like your a could charm you. I know that for me, too. I came to a more comfortable relationship with my thoughts when I got myself to remember my a's actions and tune out the remembered words. Actions are real, it's just that the words are tempting to remember. That's because the words are often better than actions :)

take care,

Jill

Hi Marissa

I can totally relate to the Golden Tongue my A's constant 'View of the world' and 'How it is' rings in my ears long after he has gone to work.

It is very hard to keep things clear in your mind when the walk is so different from the talk and the talk is so crazy it doesn't really make sense.

An inspirational quote I read in one of my many books (Sorry not sure which one - might be "Women who love too much' - great book by the way) is  'Feel the pain' when there is lots of hurt for me and lots of pain  I keep saying to myself just Feel the pain, Feel the pain that way I can take it on, accept it and hopefully work it through, you know feel the grief and the sadness and hurt and have hope that this is just a gradual process and if you can feel the hurt you can then heal and move forward.

I dunno it helped me, take care & keep putting one foot in front of the other

Ava         

Marissa, I remember my first love--how much I loved him--wanted to be with him every waking moment--would wait by the phone for him to call--bitter sweet love--it was painful to be away from him.  It took me 12 years to finally let go.  It just wasn't there on his part, and in my heart I knew I wanted a deeper love that was returned.  Of course, I still go there and think of the strength of MY love for him. 

Anyway, I ended it because I felt it was so one sided.  Then I realized I wanted him back, but within months, he was involved with someone else.  I moved forward.  I did not interfere w his choice.  We just didn't have the same outlook on life.

As the song suggests, we can't make someone love us no matter how hard we try...and we would not want to force someone into a relationship.  Thank goodness you know and that she was honest with you when she realized it just wasn't working out for her.  I am not certain WE can ever stop loving...

Be realistic and stay close to what is good for YOU.  Peace to you.  Annie 

You have so much going on, the A needs to be focusing on him/her at this point.

There is one thing for sure, if A's don't get help, he will continue to drink.  Only you can decided if you would like to live like this. 

There are many happy, healthy women in this world. 

Explore!!!