Hi everyone. My name is Jenn. This is the first time i've done anything like this. Please bear with me. Well it doesn't seem that my story is all that different from many of you out there. My husband is an alcoholic. We have been married for almost seven yrs now. During the last 3 0r 4 of those years he has been promising to quit drinking. I am to the the point to where i am driving myself crazy (and him too) about the same old promise that he just keeps breaking. I feel sometimes that i should just get out of it, but i still just love him too much to give up. Since the first of the year (surprise) he has cut down considerably but i see the same pattern trying to emerge yet once again. I need some help to learn how to deal with this. We have to small children and i want to do anything to try to save my marriage. why does this have to hurt so d@$% much? I know the man i married is still in there somewhere! Anyway, thank you taking the time to read this. any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
megan said
Feb 21, 2005
Welcome Jenn
May I suggest a local face to face alanon meeting? The link is just below the message board to find one in your area. They have them during the day and evening and often have childcare.
You can start with yourself. That is what alanon teaches us. Step 1 is that you are powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic. It is a really hard step to do. The 3 c's - you didn't cause it you can't cure it and you can't control it.
the time spent arguing with your A (alcoholic) about quitting is wasted. he needs to want to quit
Welcome
cdb said
Feb 21, 2005
Hello Jen,
I agree with megan to go to face to face meetings. I come here to the chatroom and meetings since it is hard for me to get out. I have learned so much about how to live with an alcoholic from this site and talking to people here or just reading the replies and posts. My daughter is the alcoholic in my life and only 20. Since realizing this a year ago, it has shocked my world. I don't know what it is like to live with a husband who is an alcoholic but my husband did have dry drunk behaviour when our kids were young ( he did drink excessively too on softball nites or tournaments). Take care of yourself and put your kids safety and wellfare first. That is what I tried to do when they were young. Take one day at a time or one hour at a time and get to a face to face meeting. I agree with megan too. We waste alot of our energy with the alcoholic when we could use it on ourselves or our kids. I have been learning to detatch with love and there is a pamphlet about this given at the newcomers meeting when you go. Good Luck and keep on posting! cdb
wallsal55 said
Feb 21, 2005
Definitely, agree with the Alanon meetings and learn all you can about Detachment, and the Merry Go Round Name Denial, pamphlets available in the newcomer packets! You're in the right place! Keep Coming Back ! : )
richard said
Feb 22, 2005
There probably nothing you can do to get your man addicted to the drug alcohol to quit. He might be one of those alcoholics that need to loose everything for him to genuinely reach out for help. Therefore, save your energy for yourself. If you choose to stay with him, you will need to accept that he is not going to be there for you and that he is married to his drug alcohol first. Do not be after him to quit that really is like p*ssing in the wind. Although, that might be true, you could try leaving copy of A.A.'s big book next to the toilet or convenient place for the least chance he might pick it up, but do not do anything else.
Hugs & Luv,
-- Edited by richard at 07:42, 2005-02-22
gardengal said
Feb 22, 2005
Welcome Jenn, you have taken the first step in finding help for yourself and your children. Denial is one of "THE" biggest hurdle to get over,,if it is denial of yourself thinking that he is not an alcoholic/addict or himself thinking he isnt one. Either way this disease of alcoholism drives us crazy trying to help or control. I did that for years and almost lost myself literally doing so. It distorts not only our attitude and behaviour towards the drinker, but towards other family members and friends, and if we dont get help for ourselves, we will not find the serenity and the peace we so want and need in our lives. Coming to alanon takes great courage, however we do suggest to attend at least 6 meetings or we will gladly refund your misery. I was skeptical about going along with so many others who have walked thru those doors. To find out you are NOT alone anymore, and to find people who truly understand what you are going thru is truly a blessing. For others who have not dealt with alcoholism they do not understand as we do here in alanon. So welcome and I concur with the rest of the posts,,we urge you to find a face to face meeting, and the healing will start. There are plenty of free pamphlets you can pick up and read about this disease (and yes it is called a disease), and what you can do for yourself and your family, and learn to "LIVE" again wether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
Glad you found us and keep coming back! ,,,,,,,, gardengal
jj said
Feb 22, 2005
Hi Jenn,
Your post brings back so many memories! I too used to dwell on broken promises, and every time my heart would break and I would fightbroken promises or about the fact that he was going out to much. Long before alanon a friend told me that I needed to let go and take a look at my problem and admit to myself what that problem was. 1. His drinking 2. That he continiously broke promises he made to me. This was hard but one i realized i had no control and i came to terms with this and quit bringing it up we did finally quit fighting and things did get better and he did quit using my B$#*@*#@ as an excuse. It was hard!!! But it did get better. I too just like an a have regressed and forgotten at times or gave into the disease and I am now seeking help and learning further how to work the program for me, to help myself.
When I concentrate on me I feel better about everything. Some days I can find serenity and others I can't but I am new to alanon and just learning.
Where I live there are no alanon groups that alow me to bring my young daughter and I hope that you can find a face to face meeting for you to go to. If you have trouble finding one the are some people here that can help. You just have to give them some information.
Congratulations to you for taking the step to ask for help I know how hard it is to admit that I needed help and for me that was another big step in my recovery. I had no idea that I was also sick from this disease and how the disease sucked me in to it.
I to have 2 small children and can totally relate to your situation.
I am glad that you found this wonderful place. It has helpped me in more ways than i could have immagined.
Keep comming back and join us in the online meetings and chat as well.
Take care love in recovery JJ
alystylz said
Feb 26, 2005
Hi Jenn
Right now you are very much confused and tired and hurt. How do I know? Because I have been there. Keep coming back here and try to get to some face to face alanon meetings. You will find your own answers on your own. No one can tell you to leave or stay, no one can tell you anything except what worked for them. I stayed. Luckily he finally got sober. That didn't mean happily ever after, but it did get the alcohol out of the picture and he is home nights and isn't verbally or physically abusive. You can't make someone get AA or any other program. The trick is finding a place for you to go that is safe to share and feel validated. Search for meetings in your area and you will begin to heal. Thanks for asking for help. We are here to listen and support.
Welcome Jenn
May I suggest a local face to face alanon meeting? The link is just below the message board to find one in your area. They have them during the day and evening and often have childcare.
You can start with yourself. That is what alanon teaches us. Step 1 is that you are powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic. It is a really hard step to do. The 3 c's - you didn't cause it you can't cure it and you can't control it.
the time spent arguing with your A (alcoholic) about quitting is wasted. he needs to want to quit
Welcome
Hello Jen,
I agree with megan to go to face to face meetings. I come here to the chatroom and meetings since it is hard for me to get out. I have learned so much about how to live with an alcoholic from this site and talking to people here or just reading the replies and posts. My daughter is the alcoholic in my life and only 20. Since realizing this a year ago, it has shocked my world. I don't know what it is like to live with a husband who is an alcoholic but my husband did have dry drunk behaviour when our kids were young ( he did drink excessively too on softball nites or tournaments). Take care of yourself and put your kids safety and wellfare first. That is what I tried to do when they were young. Take one day at a time or one hour at a time and get to a face to face meeting. I agree with megan too. We waste alot of our energy with the alcoholic when we could use it on ourselves or our kids. I have been learning to detatch with love and there is a pamphlet about this given at the newcomers meeting when you go. Good Luck and keep on posting! cdb
There probably nothing you can do to get your man addicted to the drug alcohol to quit. He might be one of those alcoholics that need to loose everything for him to genuinely reach out for help. Therefore, save your energy for yourself. If you choose to stay with him, you will need to accept that he is not going to be there for you and that he is married to his drug alcohol first. Do not be after him to quit that really is like p*ssing in the wind. Although, that might be true, you could try leaving copy of A.A.'s big book next to the toilet or convenient place for the least chance he might pick it up, but do not do anything else.
Hugs & Luv,
-- Edited by richard at 07:42, 2005-02-22
Welcome Jenn, you have taken the first step in finding help for yourself and your children. Denial is one of "THE" biggest hurdle to get over,,if it is denial of yourself thinking that he is not an alcoholic/addict or himself thinking he isnt one. Either way this disease of alcoholism drives us crazy trying to help or control. I did that for years and almost lost myself literally doing so. It distorts not only our attitude and behaviour towards the drinker, but towards other family members and friends, and if we dont get help for ourselves, we will not find the serenity and the peace we so want and need in our lives. Coming to alanon takes great courage, however we do suggest to attend at least 6 meetings or we will gladly refund your misery. I was skeptical about going along with so many others who have walked thru those doors. To find out you are NOT alone anymore, and to find people who truly understand what you are going thru is truly a blessing. For others who have not dealt with alcoholism they do not understand as we do here in alanon. So welcome and I concur with the rest of the posts,,we urge you to find a face to face meeting, and the healing will start. There are plenty of free pamphlets you can pick up and read about this disease (and yes it is called a disease), and what you can do for yourself and your family, and learn to "LIVE" again wether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
Glad you found us and keep coming back! ,,,,,,,, gardengal
Hi Jenn,
Your post brings back so many memories! I too used to dwell on broken promises, and every time my heart would break and I would fightbroken promises or about the fact that he was going out to much. Long before alanon a friend told me that I needed to let go and take a look at my problem and admit to myself what that problem was. 1. His drinking 2. That he continiously broke promises he made to me. This was hard but one i realized i had no control and i came to terms with this and quit bringing it up we did finally quit fighting and things did get better and he did quit using my B$#*@*#@ as an excuse. It was hard!!! But it did get better. I too just like an a have regressed and forgotten at times or gave into the disease and I am now seeking help and learning further how to work the program for me, to help myself.
When I concentrate on me I feel better about everything. Some days I can find serenity and others I can't but I am new to alanon and just learning.
Where I live there are no alanon groups that alow me to bring my young daughter and I hope that you can find a face to face meeting for you to go to. If you have trouble finding one the are some people here that can help. You just have to give them some information.
Congratulations to you for taking the step to ask for help I know how hard it is to admit that I needed help and for me that was another big step in my recovery. I had no idea that I was also sick from this disease and how the disease sucked me in to it.
I to have 2 small children and can totally relate to your situation.
I am glad that you found this wonderful place. It has helpped me in more ways than i could have immagined.
Keep comming back and join us in the online meetings and chat as well.
Take care love in recovery
JJ
Hi Jenn
Right now you are very much confused and tired and hurt. How do I know? Because I have been there. Keep coming back here and try to get to some face to face alanon meetings. You will find your own answers on your own. No one can tell you to leave or stay, no one can tell you anything except what worked for them. I stayed. Luckily he finally got sober. That didn't mean happily ever after, but it did get the alcohol out of the picture and he is home nights and isn't verbally or physically abusive. You can't make someone get AA or any other program. The trick is finding a place for you to go that is safe to share and feel validated. Search for meetings in your area and you will begin to heal. Thanks for asking for help. We are here to listen and support.
Hugs
Aly