I am having the hardest time doing the right things in my life these days.  The pressure I am feeling about my husband is weighing on me like a brick.  Somewhere down deep I believe that we are over - yet I continue with the relationship.  Part of me feels disloyal to him because he is now sober by almost 5 mons and he expects a great future for us.  But the damage that he has done, that I allowed to happen in some cases has taken everything I feel about him away.  I pray almost every day for the return of any feeling for him.  When I am around him I am usually numb.  He is trying so hard to rekindle something.

When we have seperated in the past I have always taken him back (active and sober).  I think I do it out of fear of being alone.  But I know that during the periods of seperation I did adjust and felt better without him around all the time. 

I resent his attempts now to "fix" things which I know is not a good thing.  And I am mad as hell that he waited until things got this far before he got sober.  I know he has a disease and he had to hit his bottom before he could see the light of what was going on.  In actuality I not mad at him.  I am mournful for all this disease has taken away from me in my life. 

I pray for the courage to do the right thing - which at this time is to let him go.  But everytime I get to the point of doing so I have a panic attack and dont know why.

Open to any suggestions to help me get through this.

Thanx all - love ya lots

Karen

Hello Alamom,

Wow! What strong feelings you have going on inside you right now.  I was wondering if you and your husband have ever had counseling? And, are there any kids involved?  I know my husband has felt like you before so I seem to have sympathy for your husband for some strange reason. Counseling has helped us,,with the help of the right counselor which can be tricky too.  Or talking to a church person may work too.  Do you think another seperation would help? IT sounds like you have been able to feel what it is like to not have him around and that feels better than now. I do believe in listening to our HP but I also know that for some that doesn't always happen easily. Also, I have heard that if the non-alcoholic doesn't change themself, they will most likely meet another partner with the same characteristics. I will be looking for more replies to your post too.  Good Luck and keep us updated. cdb

”The right thing”

I can get to feeling so un-right at times. I have been going through a week or so of feeling un-right. It is an ugly sense of being. Even that be, I say… “The right thing” is for those that believe in sin, I think. Follow what is in your heart then it will only be an is… no right or wrong to it for it will be your God doing and what is right or wrong about God doing anything.

God is Love & that’s all there is.

Hugs & Luv,

-- Edited by richard at 03:10, 2005-02-21

I know how you feel, in a way. It's so hard to forget what this horrible disease has done to you. For sooo long, we have thought that if only the A didn't drink, everything would be ok. Probably the A thinks that way too. Take the last drink, and voila, everything will be just like it should be!

In the meantime, we're still licking our wounds from all the pain that Alcholism has put us through. The A really doesn't remember all the things he/she has done and said, so doesn't understand all the pain we still feel, and all the things we can't forget.

When I took my A back this time, I didn't know if it would work. Sober, he's a wonderful guy, drunk-just the opposite, as most of you know. I always carried the chip on my shoulder, wondering... It's been over a year since his last binge, and things are great right now. I thank my HP many times for what I have right now, and I treasure each moment, but it didn't happen overnight. My A is very possesive and jealous if he even thinks another man might look at me. His last big binge, a woman went to see him a lot, she's beautiful with a drop-dead for figure. He couldn't understand why I was still bitter. I told him to put himself in my shoes, to look at it from that point of view.(this was after he'd been sober for about a year). I think he finally understood.

I didn't know if I could get past that hurt, it still haunts me at times. A little of the love I had died a little with each big binge. It's been a long time, but it has grown back little by little, our relationship his improved step by step, the chip on my shoulder has grown smaller, but it's still there...always wondering. If I hadn't found Alanon, I don't know where I'd be! The people here understand everything we have gone through and are going through. Without the shares on this board, I don't think I could have made it this far!

With your A's sobriety, maybe you should give it 6 months, just as we are advised to do when we first come here? It's a new person I am living with (in his brain). In his brain, he has quit drinking forever, although he has never said that). He has a daily struggle to stay sober, I believe. I see him really struggle some days, so we take it one day at a time, one step at a time. For some people, it has gone beyond ever being healed, but only you know if you love your A enough to go through another big change. I know a lot of people break up after the A gets sober, maybe it just wasn't meant to be? I also know a lot of people go right to another A. Maybe it's a lack of self-love and they unconciously feel they don't deserve any better? I know this was partly true in my case. Start loving YOU, taking care of you, now that you don't have to take care of him. With the 2 of you taking care of you, who knows?! Just my 2 cents worth, take what you want, and leave the rest, TLC to you

Thanx all for the wonderful words of encouragement.  We have tried counseling in the past w/ no success.  Now he adamantly does not even want to try.  And I agree that I must change things about myself.  I know that given the opportunity I will choose another A (sober or active).  I almost did when things were really bad w/ my husband.  Unfortunately still dealing w/ reprecussions of that situation.  I know that there is an emotional block for me w/ regards to my husband which is causing me to feel this way.  I pray every day and try very hard to turn it over to HP and listen for guidance.  And I know that like Richard said - cant go wrong there.

Thanx again and love ya

Karen

 

After reading these posts, I am compeld to write some words. Since working the first step, I have been able to let go,and let god. At times it is very difficult for me, the emotional turmoil that over comes me, is what makes me ill, so that is when I allow myself to feel all of this junk, and let it go. Even though I was really tired this weekend after another crisis. I dragged myself to my face to face meeting. Glad I did, because I came to realize it was ok to be feeling the way I did. I don't have any quick fixes or magical words that would make things different I only know that I do have a higher power that takes care of it. I can totally relate to everyone who posts here, and it is in some way very comforting to know that I am not the only one who is going through this type of problem. In my family my husband is the A, and he is active. My 16 year old son, is doing things that push all of the wrong buttons, even a sober person would be at times unable to handle it , but put an active A in the picture and all hell breakes loose. My son and he came to blows, and it was very very painful to see them at each other. My son knows that he should not push a active A, who is under the influence of drink, but he did it anyway, because of his anger. I had to ground him and take away his cell phone, and do the best that I can so he won't continue with his unacceptable behaviors that he was displaying. By seperating the problem of my A, from the issues of my teen son, it was a little easier for me to see the real problems and work towards a productive way of dealing instead of reverting to old and useless patterens. My A, is very insecure and is verbally abusive when he can not handle things. I have learned now that his words can not harm me anymore, but my son is not working a program, he is to angry, he claims that he does not want to give anymore importance to his step dad's problems.. My son, doesn't get it. To bad. I pray for him, and that he will see that he needs to work on himselfand that this program is for him, not the A. But I can only control myself, not him. Yes it is hard. But day by day, I work through it. The guilt I felt this weekend was so so hard to shake, but today is another day, and by the strenth that I have found with all of you here and my face to face meetings , I am able to be gentle with myself. I am at a cross roads, if I should let me son go to live with father who is thousands of miles away or make him stay with me, until he finishes high school. In my heart I know it would be healthier for him in some ways, but in others, it is just an easy way out. I told my son, that his acting out is something that will happen if he doesn't change his ways, no matter where he is, so I am not taking any major steps to let leave. It brakes my heart truely. I am sad just writing the words. My ex tried to put blame and guilt on me, unfairly, even though he is sober, he is still the same jerk he was when we were together. Anyway thanks for letting me vent I needed it, all my prayer are with those of you here. Love always,Dorean

Alamom, all I can offer is my experience, as I can relate.  I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder as a result of so much abuse in my life-- this anxiety increases tremendously when I'm in an unhealthy relationship and I'm beginning to understand in all circumstances that when my anxiety rises beyond my control that what I am involved with is something I shoudn't be a part of....  Ironically, my diagnosis is situational anxiety specifically.  Never knew there was such a thing, but that is what they say. 

With each breakup over the past 3 years, the recovery process diminished.  As you, I would get back together with my ex after a month or two of no contact, always having hope that things would be better because I loved him that much.   However, what I found with myself was that as the breakups occured, my strength to bounce back continually diminished until this final one the beginning of the year.  I was so bad that I would flash back to my previous marriage feeling like I was reliving my past abuse (not with my b/f that I had recently broke up with, but my ex husband)  I would actually shake from the anxiety and fear and often found myself focusing on turning that feeling around by bringing me back to the moment-- the beautiful house I own on the lake, my children being healthy AND a wonderful career I have all because of choices I made that were so difficult, yet right.  When I can reflect back on that and my spiritual awakening, the anxiety almost immediately eases and I feel peace. 

I feel blessed because as painful as it was to make many choices in my life to leave several people who were not well mentally, I have survived AND best of all given wonderful things in my life to help me through.  I believe God gives us what we need and it isn't until we are happy with what we have that we get what we want.  I lived in a 488 sq. ft. house with my children for 2.5 years out of my marriage, didn't have a penny saved for a home and even had to leave my job at one point, which made it even more difficult. 

Because of medical issues my daughter developed and an attempted suicide by my ex-husband I had several financial setbacks over the years.  Setbacks that included 2 bankruptcies even.  Yet, here I sit in a home that practically fell into my lap- no money down even. A home on the lake-- two months later, a brand new car, no money down.  :)  I have NO DOUBT God will give us what our heart desires IF it is within His plan for our life.  I also believe that He listens to our prayers and as we persist with a particular prayer He will take it into consideration.  Again though, IF this will benefit His Glory though.  Having trusted Him to my life in ALL situations I am beginning to realize that there is NO OTHER WAY. 

Hang in there and make your relationship with your HP your FIRST priority.  All else WILL fall into place.  :)