Can anyone help? My husband has accepted a job in another town. He says that he wants a divorce. That the purpose of life is happiness and he will be happy without me. He walks around obsessing about his diet, his dissertation, his new job, the price of a membership on the golf course. I ask to talk about our separation on a personal level and we just end up screaming at each other. After 31 years, it seems that we could put more than 15 minutes a week into this. Although he is a recovering A, he doesn't seem to work a program. I go to f2f alanon meetings, I read my books, I try to detach but when push comes to shove I just fall back onto old patterns. I feel like I play right into his hands. If I have an honest emotion like anger, he says that is just even more reason to leave me. I try not to take his inventory but I screamed at him to hold his parents responsible for what they did and not give me all the blame for the dysfunctional parts of this marriage.

As I read what I have written, I think how immature my reactions are but I just can't seem to stay calm and come up with anything better. Last night I just cried myself to sleep. It seems that no matter what I do or say, his reaction is always, "and I am outa here and you are the reason". I just can't seem to view our long marriage ending with anything but emotions.

Thanks for listening.

Nancy

Nancy,

For years my husband told me he will make me divorce him because I was divorced once before. He even told me lately that I'm not the marrying kind. We have been married for 7 years and he has finally gotten his wish whether he likes it or not. He has pushed me too far.

I want to seperate from him. He was drinking last night and pleading with me not to divorce him, but I was disgusted with him swaying back and forth claiming he is the Sun and we should revolve around him.

Give me a break!

I am sorry. It seems you don't want to end your marrige, but also don't lose your own identity in him. You need to give it to God. Let go and let God. I am trying that. Concentrate on yourself and what ever happens, God will get you through it.

Remember God looked at our lives from the end to the beginning and He already knows we will make it through this storm.

You are loved here.

    Thanks for the sharing and advice!  I am in the exact same situation !  I married an "A" 21 years ago and we have been on and off seperated for the last 13 years.  All due to his continuous slips with the bottle.  I always stood by him going to F2F Alanon meetings and supporting him 110% any way I could.  I have learned so much in the Alanon programs I have attended and I have learned so much from all of you guys on here.  But you know I still at times slip back into my stinking thinking.

Everytime my 'A" would come home drinking or not come home at all for say days, weeks, months, whatever he chose I would always take him back and support him through his AA programs.  But I told him the last time if he ever drank again I could not go through what we have been through for the last 13 years.  He made all the promises and told me just what I wanted to hear. 

So Valentines night he came home pretty well on his way to a drunk and I just met him at the door with his clothes bag in hand and said you knew the deal I suggest you find another place to live then I left and went to an Alanon meeting.

Yeah this time I am going to do the best of my ability to stay seperated from him until he can at least show me some changes.  It is hard and lonely and I miss him like crazy because I still love him but you know what I have started to look at the whole picture not just the one I paint.  At this point I have "Let Go and Let God Handle" 

Thanks for letting me share !  I wish everyone the best and keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Ginger

Hello nmike and all,

I will certainly keep you all in my prayers! The A in my life is my 20 year old daughter but some years ago my husband did ask me for a divorce. And it was at the worse time in my life too I may add without him asking me for a divorce! So I can relate to some of what you are talking about. nmike, you are not immature,,you are a human and feeling human emotions. Not only that but alcoholism sure complicates everything which I have learned from living with one. I do know that by venting here and getting some feedback that it has helped me, so keep on coming back. It breaks my heart to see anyone going through such hard things. I did read a book or at least listen to the tapes of James Dobson from Love must Be Tough years ago which helped me through the threat of divorce. It isn't an alanon material but it does talk about taking care of us and does give tips on how to keep the marriage together. Mostly by keeping ourselves together and not falling apart in front of the spouse, or in this case alcoholic. I hope I never have to go through the threat of divorce again, but if I do,,this site is where I will come for support. cdb

Thanks for your post Nancy.

I hear you loud and clear and felt very alone in my situation. My A is coming up 25 years in recovery and last year our  world fell apart.

Old behaviors arose that I had not seen before.  It was like there was no recovery or healing for either one of us.

I slipped back into my old ways of coping and have struggled to come back.  Alanon was my saving grace, and I started to go to meetings kicking and screaming the whole way.

I try very hard to keep my mouth shut, not take the A's inventory but I end up holding it in and it just seems to destroy me.  When I do this I see how far it pulls us apart and sabatoges anything we have worked for.

I am the one that is not sure I want to stay in the relationship, I feel like I have no more to give.

I want to thank you for sharing and giving me some perspective.

Joydon

Thanks to everyone for the awesome support and insights. I just think I am the only one who has a tough time. Duh, Nancy.

((((((hugs and support to you all))))).

Nancy

   Many recovering A's are still Miserable people....if they are not working their program is one instance.  Also, some have dry drunks....No specific advice here....Just stick with Alanon meetings, online work, and figure out what YOU want, need, and what's best for your mental health in the long run.    You have a right to bloom and grow, not wither.  Keep Coming Back!

  P.S. - -  I had to learn all I could about dry drunks...for my decision making in my marriage.  www.hazelden.org has a wonderful pamphlet on The Dry Drunk Syndrom.