My A is my husband. My a's most recent rage was at my 7 year old son about a week ago. I tried to remain calm but he continued to berate my son and was looking for a fight, and I caved and gave it to him. Big Mistake, because I actually gave my control over to him.
Since that night, he and I have been paying ever since. He is paying by my bitching and verbal jabs at his irresponisiblity. "How can you drink when you know your family isn't safe?" I have beenpaying by being depressed and trying to force him into AA meetings and to at least see a therapist. I know he has been drinking but he tells me he hasn't. How stupid am I???? Insanity- continue doing the same thing and expect different results.
My A is a "functioning alcoholic" comes home, before 6 pm, sometimes after stopping for drinks somewhere, each night and drinks by himself. Starts drinking on the weekends in the am and drinks until he passes out at night. His father was an alcoholic .....yada yada yada.
Because I am once again, desperate to get serenity back into my life, .I just started back last night with al-anon. My first meeting was back in August and I was able to detach myself and live peacefully with my A. However, I didn not work the steps or find a sponsor and stopped going to the meetings. I had been studying differenet methods of detachment but I found myself back at square one-reacting to my husbands drunken rants.
Last night at the meetings, I confessed that I have become a self help book junkie. One of the members told me that if I work the step that I won't need the self help books. SO here I am reading in the ODAT book and Courage to Change all passages that relate to step 1.
SO here goes, my understanding of Step 1 is that nothing that I can do, will stop my husbands drinking. However, I have told him that next time he starts in on me and my son that we are leaving. I am also afraid to admit that we will proably have to leave which may or may not cause my husband to stop drinking, but I am getting fed up with dealing and living in a detached marriage. I am really going to try to work the steps this time in an attempt to save our family. How do you work the steps? By reading in the books? ANy advice
kismetstrand said
Feb 19, 2005
Welcome fittrip, glad you're here!
Advice...hmm, no (we're not supposed to give "advice") but I sure will share with you what has helped me! (Take what you like/can use and leave the rest.) Best help is having a sponsor, someone you can talk with one on one who has worked the program and gained the serenity we speak of in Alanon. I just read the daily readers too when I first joined - it was almost a year before I really looked into some of the other books, and wow! wish I had done that sooner. I always refer to Paths to Recovery as an excellent book for learning/understanding the steps. It gives a detailed explanation of each, and then asks questions at the end of each step which helps you to look at the step in a way you might not have. Also, just as you are doing, ask other members how they worked the step, what it means to them, and so on. Then there is our Step Work Board - a link is at the top of this page. That is where members share on each step. We also have Step/Tradition meetings online every Thursday evening at 9 eastern. We start Tradition One on Feb. 24th and if time permits we will review Step One also.
You spoke of Detachment. There is Detachment, and then there is Detachment with Love. When we are able to find the "with Love" part within ourself, that I think, is when the relationship begins to improve. Totally letting go of the issue of their drinking, loving them regardless, unconditionally, realizing that our only business is ourself - not them/their drinking, helps to free us and them both. This of course does not mean allowing unacceptable behavior - I have had to get in my hubby's face and tell him to stop NOW when he was berating one of my sons. Fortunately he realized he was wrong and walked away, but I would not have had any problem in taking my kids and leaving the house for a while if that is what it took to get them away from his drunken rage at the time.
Control - yeah it is a hard thing to really Let Go and Let God. I still have to keep reminding myself that I am not hubby's HP (Higher Power/God), that he has his own, that I need to let HP do His will rather than trying to force My will on everything. But I'm learning that when I do Let Go and Let God, thats when things really start changing/happening. I just have to keep myself out of the way - I have to quit trying to control everything around me. I am powerless over alcohol, people, places, things. That's what I have to remember. And by golly, it works if you work it!!
Keep coming back, come join us in chat and online meetings. Would love to see ya there!
Luv, Kis
cdb said
Feb 20, 2005
Hello fittrip,
If it were me, I would do whatever is needed first to protect my child. It could be from calling an agency for advice or leaving as kis said she has done before. We don't have control over alcohol or the alcoholic but it is our responsiblility to protect our children from harm, physical, mental or verbal. Being a teacher, I was legally obligated to report any suspicions of abuse so why is it different for us with our own kids? Going to your alanon meeting is great! You will gain strength and encouragement there and here. I will say prayers for you that your Higher Powers guides you to do what he/she wants in regards to your child's safety too. cdb
My A is my husband. My a's most recent rage was at my 7 year old son about a week ago. I tried to remain calm but he continued to berate my son and was looking for a fight, and I caved and gave it to him. Big Mistake, because I actually gave my control over to him.
Since that night, he and I have been paying ever since. He is paying by my bitching and verbal jabs at his irresponisiblity. "How can you drink when you know your family isn't safe?" I have beenpaying by being depressed and trying to force him into AA meetings and to at least see a therapist. I know he has been drinking but he tells me he hasn't. How stupid am I???? Insanity- continue doing the same thing and expect different results.
My A is a "functioning alcoholic" comes home, before 6 pm, sometimes after stopping for drinks somewhere, each night and drinks by himself. Starts drinking on the weekends in the am and drinks until he passes out at night. His father was an alcoholic .....yada yada yada.
Because I am once again, desperate to get serenity back into my life, .I just started back last night with al-anon. My first meeting was back in August and I was able to detach myself and live peacefully with my A. However, I didn not work the steps or find a sponsor and stopped going to the meetings. I had been studying differenet methods of detachment but I found myself back at square one-reacting to my husbands drunken rants.
Last night at the meetings, I confessed that I have become a self help book junkie. One of the members told me that if I work the step that I won't need the self help books. SO here I am reading in the ODAT book and Courage to Change all passages that relate to step 1.
SO here goes, my understanding of Step 1 is that nothing that I can do, will stop my husbands drinking. However, I have told him that next time he starts in on me and my son that we are leaving. I am also afraid to admit that we will proably have to leave which may or may not cause my husband to stop drinking, but I am getting fed up with dealing and living in a detached marriage. I am really going to try to work the steps this time in an attempt to save our family. How do you work the steps? By reading in the books? ANy advice
Welcome fittrip, glad you're here!
Advice...hmm, no (we're not supposed to give "advice") but I sure will share with you what has helped me! (Take what you like/can use and leave the rest.) Best help is having a sponsor, someone you can talk with one on one who has worked the program and gained the serenity we speak of in Alanon. I just read the daily readers too when I first joined - it was almost a year before I really looked into some of the other books, and wow! wish I had done that sooner. I always refer to Paths to Recovery as an excellent book for learning/understanding the steps. It gives a detailed explanation of each, and then asks questions at the end of each step which helps you to look at the step in a way you might not have. Also, just as you are doing, ask other members how they worked the step, what it means to them, and so on. Then there is our Step Work Board - a link is at the top of this page. That is where members share on each step. We also have Step/Tradition meetings online every Thursday evening at 9 eastern. We start Tradition One on Feb. 24th and if time permits we will review Step One also.
You spoke of Detachment. There is Detachment, and then there is Detachment with Love. When we are able to find the "with Love" part within ourself, that I think, is when the relationship begins to improve. Totally letting go of the issue of their drinking, loving them regardless, unconditionally, realizing that our only business is ourself - not them/their drinking, helps to free us and them both. This of course does not mean allowing unacceptable behavior - I have had to get in my hubby's face and tell him to stop NOW when he was berating one of my sons. Fortunately he realized he was wrong and walked away, but I would not have had any problem in taking my kids and leaving the house for a while if that is what it took to get them away from his drunken rage at the time.
Control - yeah it is a hard thing to really Let Go and Let God. I still have to keep reminding myself that I am not hubby's HP (Higher Power/God), that he has his own, that I need to let HP do His will rather than trying to force My will on everything. But I'm learning that when I do Let Go and Let God, thats when things really start changing/happening. I just have to keep myself out of the way - I have to quit trying to control everything around me. I am powerless over alcohol, people, places, things. That's what I have to remember. And by golly, it works if you work it!!
Keep coming back, come join us in chat and online meetings. Would love to see ya there!
Luv, Kis
Hello fittrip,
If it were me, I would do whatever is needed first to protect my child. It could be from calling an agency for advice or leaving as kis said she has done before. We don't have control over alcohol or the alcoholic but it is our responsiblility to protect our children from harm, physical, mental or verbal. Being a teacher, I was legally obligated to report any suspicions of abuse so why is it different for us with our own kids? Going to your alanon meeting is great! You will gain strength and encouragement there and here. I will say prayers for you that your Higher Powers guides you to do what he/she wants in regards to your child's safety too. cdb